Fuck you TTC

[painintheholeSIL]

Today should be day one of my period. No sign. We've been ttc dc2 since summer 2018. I don't have any tests in the house. I'm trying not to symptom spot, I haven't told anyone in real life that we're trying.
Our son is almost 4. I'm desperate to give him a sibling. I adore him. He's amazing.

But I am aching to have another baby. People keep asking when we're going to and we just laugh off the questions. They hurt. Every one of them hurts. I suppose I'm just looking for people who understand.

Every single thread I look at in relation to this ends up full of BFPs and I'm just not in the space where I can read those and not feel devastated.

So Fuck you to TTC.
Fuck you to months off slightly delayed periods
Fuck you to every fucker that asks me every time they see me if I have any news
Fuck you to the whole fucking lot of it.

Anyone care to add theirs?

@AggieD86 it's good to be able to share what's really going on with women who understand. I can't discuss it at all IRL.
Even DH isn't great for talking about it. Not in a bad way, he's just a focus on the positives kind of guy.

Sometimes I just want to talk about the shit that this is. Knowing that it may never happen. That my period makes me want to cry. I have no idea when I ovulate. Fuck it all.

And bless every single one of you ladies here. It's so good to be understood.

And @AggieD86 I'm sorry for what you're dealing with too.

I HAVE FOUND MY TRIBE

Fuck you, month 37 of ttc for dc2

Fuck you, early perimenopause

Fuck you, career, for not letting me start earlier

Sorry, DS(4) who is being very gentle about his occasional hints

We've decided we'll stop trying in September, just another 8 months of this shit

@QueenRefusenik yes you have! It is fucking shit. Bless your ds. Mine says he doesn't want a sibling😂 maybe the little monkey has jinxed us!

@painintheholeSIL, thank you Dear

@AggieD86 I know what you mean! I'd love Dh to say just once "we'll fuck it, it is shit" he just says "ah if it happens great and if not then that's ok too.
I told him my period had started and he didn't even blink. Is it awful that I wanted him to be as gutted as me for just a second?
I know he is a bit disappointed but he wouldn't upset me by saying it and he knows if he gave me an opening I'd be talking about it all day🙈😂😩

And fuck it to the drinking thing too! Absolutely fuck that shit!!🙌

Ugh. Well not we'll. I really need to proof read

@painintheholeSIL, ohhh how you get me, I know they are dissappinted but all in all it's not them who has to do the ovulation tests, measure their temperature, figure out if the owulation has come or not, get you blood diagnosed every now and then and finally lie on the hospital bed when the pregnancy is miscarried, the burden is mostly on us and let's not be afraid to say it... and then someone tells you to "relax and it will come" damn hahahah

@AggieD86 it absolutely falls to us entirely. I actually try not to discuss it too much at all so he doesn't feel pressured to perform🙈 it is should destroying and as much as they love us, they have not got a ducking clue.

And fuck that too!!!

Or a fucking clue😂😂

@painintheholeSIL Yeah totally! I noticed that the more I involve him and explain there is a approx 5 day fertility window, and now I have the fertile mucus, and e.g. today is the last day we can have a shot at ttc this month, then he somehow cannot perform. So if they knew all we know, they would not be so relaxed too ;)

That is one more reason to fuck this fucking "be relaxed" phrase...

We were talking the other day and he thought that if on the week I do not get my period and am pregnant that is my first week... LOL, so cute and so clueless ;)
I wish it could be me sometimes

@AggieD86 😂 ignorance is bliss isn't it?

With everyone on this! OH is all sympathy for about 10 mins after AF arrives. Then it's all "oh well not to worry" etc and WORST OF ALL he has booked a weekend away to see his brother in March which, if my apps serve me correctly, will be right over ovulation time. Fat lot of use that is with us in different countries! His excuse...we can't put life on hold, this was booked ages ago. I do get that - but also fuck that!

@painintheholeSIL I told my OH when I was ovulating in cycle 1 and I know the pressure to “perform” was too much as he couldn’t. So for the last year I haven’t told him at all. He sees my ovulation sticks but tbh he prob has no feckin clue when or why I do them.

It’s such a mind fuck for us ladies. Sending you all love 💕

@painintheholeSIL - yup :D
I'm thinking, maybe this month I should stop tracking my LH,
and ovu and also be clueless ;)

Also @Lnix - yeah, you're right FUCK that !
Isn't it the same thing we are doing?
Putting our life on hold in some way?
I almost do not drink alcohol, I hear everyday I should quit vaping (so I did restrict it greatly), I do not eat gluten or fast foods.
Taking blood tests and supplements...

Come one what did they have to change?
Nothing - there is practically no impact on their lives, and they cannot even miss out on game night with the guys! - Fuck you TTC...

@ChelleF123 I don't tell Dh either. Definitely works better🙈🤣

@Lnix I feel your pain, it's hard to explain to them why it's so frustrating to miss an opportunity.

@AggieD86 it's the way to go! I don't have any ovulation tests anymore. I just don't want to think about it.

@AggieD86 before my MC I told my OH my period was late he looked at me in horror because he thought I was blocked up and needed to go to the hospital!!! Men 🙄🙄

Also FUCK the daydreams I have every month thinking about how if I get pregnant this month I’d be so far along at this event... blah blah blah

@ChelleF123 I do that too. Every fucking month.

@ChelleF123 - OMG how do they even exist in this world ? :P
And it's said the "men rule the world"... hope not for much longer ;)

yeah, I do that too, and something else...
I am thinking that if I had not miscarried, my baby would be 5 days with me already... this month is tough on me... chemical on the day my baby would be born, cruel universe ugh

Fuck this! I will take your advice and not track anything...

@AggieD86 sending hugs. I know the feeling.
I am so desperate to be pregnancy again before my MC due date comes around (13th May) xxx

@ChelleF123, sending big hugs to you too xxx

Fuck not knowing when I actually ovulated, am I 6 or 3dpo??
Fuck the voice in my head telling me to test at 9dpo- no I don’t need to do that to myself (although I could be 12dpo therefore more chance of getting a BFP- fuck off)
Fuck that it’s doing my head in
Fuck that’s it’s looking more likely that I missed ovulation by ONE FUCKING DAY because last cycle decided to fuck me over & be a lot shorter than “normal”
Fuck that it’s all consuming even though I’m trying to “relax”
Fuck you to the woman who’s just had her 7th, 2 not in her care & OH is in prison for DV
Fuck coming to the realisation that this just might not happen for me & fuck trying to accept it

Oh god @ChelleF123 that is so true for me too!

First of all I had to take all the responsibility for "jumping him" as he didn't want to know when i was ovulating and then when he didn't feel like it I would get THE RAGE. Then we tried me telling him when I ovulated and that meant he couldn't perform and then I couldn't help but feel frustrated and cross with him.

Where we are now is I tell him I'm approaching my fertile period and we are generally at it every 2-3 days (if we can - he does shifts and if he's doing nights AND he's feeling poorly he can't perform either) but then for the last few cycles once my fertile period is over we generally don't do it - it's like I've fucking worn him out. So we won't have sex for the last 7-14 days of my cycle then not until my period is over so it's often 2-2.5 weeks by which point I am GAGGING FOR IT.

Also fuck his fucking shift work which effects his ability to perform and often means we don't even see each other for more than 30 mins a day when he's working nights unless I can wangle a morning working from home and then fuck the fact that somehow I have to take responsibility for us having sex at the right fucking time.

Also fuck my job I did for 14 years which put so much responsibility and stress on me, and was so precarious, I couldn't even think about trying for a baby until I got a new job. At 39 years old.

God this is the best ttc thread ever

@sh84 I hear you! Every word.

@TigerJoy my OH can’t “finish” if we do it too much so what’s the fucking point.

Fuck the “trying is the best part”. Is it fuck.

I joined mumsnet because of this thread and I’ve found my TTC support group! xxx

@TigerJoy I could have written your last post myself.
So fuck all the Dh's and their awkwardness around "performing"😂