TTC after miscarriage - February 2020

[TerribleImagination]

Hi to anyone reading 👋🏻

This is a thread for anyone TTC / testing in February, after a miscarriage.

I’ll start off with intros! I’m 37 and my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 5 1/2 weeks in December. I TTC straight afterwards, but AF found me, so here I still am on this crazy, frustrating, rollercoaster of a journey!

I joined the January thread after my miscarriage and it’s been amazing to go there and chat to other women who know how you feel.

So for anyone joining this, I’m so so sorry you find yourself here, but you’re in good company ❤️

Hi @Michette 👋 and others joining from jan board, I found each af almost a repeat of mc from an emotional pov so I feel for you all

I didn’t try for one cycle and am now on cycle 3 TTC after MC. My cycles have been strange with spotting before AF that I never had before so I think my hormones are taking some time to settle down. Trying hard not to stress about it this month as I was so so sure SMEP would work for the last two and was so upset when it didn’t.

Hi all, just following you from Jan ttc.
Am still in the tww for another week and didnt want to get lost somewhere.
I'm going crazy. About to be late for school because I was putting my stick through a photo app. Again.

Hi all, new and others from previous board... I'm back too! So glad we have this support network 💗

Anyone else coming up to OV? I’m CD14 and not even a flashing smiley yet. Didn’t get peak OPK until CD20 last month and was really hoping it would be earlier this month.

@Michette I’m trying everything this month! This is my version of not stressing.

Hi @Michette 👋🏼. We decided at the start of last year to just see how things went. After a few months of nothing I started to use opks and realised our timing had been a bit off so I kind of ruled those months out 😂 we then had a lot planned in the summer to decided to put things on hold. We properly started trying in September, made sure timings were right, put a bit more effort in and ta-da pregnant first time 😄. So even though we were technically trying for a few months I only really count that month as I think the other months were a write off.

We've not tried again since. I have a consultant appointment in feb because of a minor blood condition I have so we're waiting until March once we know what they've said as I really don't want to be in this situation again if there is something different we can do to avoid it.

@stephyrose it's really cruel how cp falsely get your hopes up. I understand your worry about not being able to carry to term. My worry has shifted from ' what if I can't get pregnant' to will my body ever carry a baby full-term. I know at the minute it's slightly irrational as there's nothing to say I won't but I get the worry. This whole thing consumes your life and even tho I'm taking a break from ttc I still think about it everyday 😑

Try and stay positive, even though this is looking like a chemical you must be fertile to have caught again so quickly. Hopefully next time it will be the 'one' 🌈. I hope your appointment goes well with the GP. I basically just told mine I wanted referring to the consultant (even tho I've just had the one loss) and he didn't even try to convince me otherwise 😂 so you may find them supportive and hopefully they can give you some reassurance.

@Michette Including the miscarriage month as a cycle, this will be cycle 4 of TTC. Fell pregnant on the second month of trying before, so really hoping it happens quickly again 🤞🏻 and obviously sticks! 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻

This might seem a little odd but is anyone else struggling with some really random things?

On the whole I've been feeling quite at peace with the whole situation (as much as you can be anyway) and starting to feel more positive about the future but there are still some things which get me. For example, I can't bring myself to wear the dress I was wearing when we went to the scan and found out the heartbeat had stopped. Every time I go to put it on I just get this reminder and can't bring myself to wear it! I used to bloody love that dress as well!

I also live quite near where we went for the scan so drive past it really regularly and I feel myself get choked up as soon as I pass by. I'm sure this will go in time but it still keeps taking me by surprise as on the whole I feel I'm doing ok.

I also can't bring myself to throw away all the positive pregnancy tests (and there's a lot 😂). I feel daft because there's really no point in keeping them but I can't bring myself to throw them away yet.

Anyone else feeling this way about some random things? Especially the dress 🤦🏼‍♀️ I feel like it's a bad luck dress now which is totally ridiculous I know!

@GoldenBauble I was exactly the same!! For a while after I couldn't wear the outfit I wore to the scan where we got the bad news. I also have the pregnancy tests in my drawer and we took pics of us holding them when we first found out, with big smiles on our faces. Every so often I look at them and I think I can't ever delete these. So you are completely normal!!! Or else we are both strange so it depends how we look at it!

I'm now 9 weeks on and feeling much better. Currently CD30, AF was due yesterday and I am too scared to think about whether I might be pregnant again. I can't bring myself to test! Been having some cramp like AF for a few days now but I'm generally very regular unless miscarriage has interfered with this....

Sorry for long post, just wanted to reassure you I've felt the same 😊xx

@goldenbauble

Yes, by coincidence I had an unrelated hospital appt earlier this week in the same hospital and ended up in the same lift only a week later. I ended up getting stupidly emotional about a lift. I hope this passes for you, I also have the thing about the top I was wearing, every time I see it I think about having my scan. I don't know if and when I'll wear that again.

Hi @GoldenBauble I have the exact same feeling about the top I was wearing for my scan when we found out. I can’t even look at the top and have safely hidden it somewhere I don’t have to see it everyday. I am even contemplating giving it away! It isn’t a top I really loved though, so wouldn’t mind not wearing it again...
I did throw away the pregnancy tests though almost immediately after finding out and deleted all the pics i had taken (of the tests) as I didn’t want to be sad looking at them...
I have also hidden away my pregnancy multivitamins!
So don’t worry you are not alone, feelings like this are completely normal. Just do what you think will help you cope and recover.

Same here...
You are not alone.
I had to cancel all the appt including the 12 scan and now i have my colposcopy appt in the same place and it just feels weird. Just feels like i am back in time...

I couldnt throw away pregnancy test and won’t delete or been all the pictures including the instant ones which are in our album.
We decided to keep them as it is a prt of us and we cannot/don’t want to deny it...

As for pregnancy test we agreed to throw away when we get another one :)

But yes i feel your pain @GoldenBauble it just feels weird to be weird about things.

Hopefully all these negative emotions will be replaced with new positive ones once we get a sticky bfp.

@GoldenBauble I totally get where you are coming from! I have kept the pregnancy tests but haven't been able to look at them. And I have the flashbacks when I see the clothes I was wearing.

And even more random but the music in the EPU waiting room was depressing 80s ballads, played really loudly (complete with Christmas decorations to fully set the scene for you!) It's not really my kind of music but I have such a reaction now if something like that comes on the radio.

I think I am 5DPO so not 'there' yet but actually can't imagine testing. Like my nerves can't handle it!!

You are brilliant @GoldenBauble. Thank you for taking the time to write your message, you have lifted my spirits a lot these past few days.

The visit to the GP was good in one way as she has sent me for a myriad of different blood tests to check all kinds of conditions and has referred me for an ultrasound. I'm going to go for the blood tests this week and I just spoke to my Mum and she said that if I haven't been referred for the ultrasound within two weeks she will pay privately. We are not made of money but I just want to know quickly if there is an issue. Always after a quick fix me. 🤣

But it was bad in another way as she was very cold and clinical and not very reassuring but then what did I expect? She isn't a counsellor. It was pretty awful seeing 'Miscarriage x2' on the blood request forms aswell, not going to lie. Never thought that would be me.

But onwards and upwards and this a new month. 🌈🌈 Not ridiculous at all about the dress. I wore a pink dress to work on the day I started having my MC and I haven't worn it since. And I was in and out of my local hospital so much the week that it happened, I get knots in my stomach whenever we drive past.

Wishing you lots of luck for you upcoming tests @GoldenBauble and lots of baby dust when you do start TTC.💗💙👶🏼🎉

I hope it is okay to do this but I'd like to post one of my early scan photos. I was 7 weeks 1 day here and saw the heartbeat on the scan. I left the scan place with my Mum on a sunny October Saturday afternoon on the biggest high, with the biggest smile on both of our faces and we shared the biggest hug outside.

Would give anything to have that back. 🙏🙏

@stephyRose the poem is beautiful ❤️

Thanks all for reassuring me it's not just me!

@newmum2020 hah yes you're right we might all be strange but I think when you've been in the situation yourself you get it! Other people might not. Fingers crossed the late af is a positive sign for you! My cycle also seems to have gone back fairly quick. I've had one period 4.5 weeks post surgery and I'm pretty sure Ive ovulated on either cd 15 or 16 which is right for me but I am half expecting my cycles to be a bit all over the place for a while.

@Annie0425 throwing it out isn't a bad idea actually. I don't think I'll ever want to wear it again and it just holds bad memories so maybe I'm better to just get rid. I also ordered a shed load of pregnancy vitamins to last me the rest of the 9months just before we found out. At the same time I ordered stretch mark cream 😳 I wanted to prepare and start using it early to try and avoid stretch marks if I could (all seems to insignificant now and I'd rather have a 100 stretch marks from a healthy pregnancy). I can remember thinking at the time it was all a bit premature but as we'd had one scan already I assumed all would be well as I hadn't had any bleeding or pain (oh the naivety!)

@michette I think I kind of feel the same. Like I don't really want to look at them as it just makes me sad but at the same time it was part of us that we'll never be able to forget and I feel strangely attached to them. As if binning them is erasing the memory of it all and it feels a little odd.

@cinderrose ahh I remember the Christmas songs playing and everything seeming so cheery and Christmassy. When you're feeling as far from Christmassy and cheerful as you could possibly be. Although I also remember looking out the window of my room following the surgery and there was one pitiful Christmas tree that had been blown over in the wind and the Christmas decs were all wafting around. It did make me smile as I remember thinking it looked more sorry for itself than me! 😂

@stephyrose that sounds really positive about your GP appointment. I have the same mindset that if there is something which can be 'fixed' I want to know now before I try again. Hopefully you will get some answers (or not as hopefully there isn't anything and we've just been incredibly unlucky on this occasion). You might also find you feel a bit better now you're being proactive and doing something. I LOVE being in control of situations and start to freak a bit when I'm not so I find doing anything which makes me feel more in control of a situation really helps.
Thank you for sharing your scan photo 💛. I have mine too from when I was almost 7 weeks. I never collected the photo from my scan at almost 10 weeks when we found out. It was a 3D scan and I remember the image of a tiny baby being so clear. Part of me wishes I had it because it's mine but the other part of me thinks it's just too heartbreaking and I don't want to see that image again.

Anyway I think that's officially my longest post ever on mumsnet! Good luck to all of you who are testing soon. Stay positive those going into your fertile weeks. I'll be with you soon 😄.

@stephyrose oh and I get what you mean about them being very clinical and not reassuring. The GP I saw after our private scan was (in my husbands words) a complete doughnut. Despite me explaining really clearly what had just happened he kept saying 'I don't understand' until I had to eventually just read the note I'd been sent with which said the words 'early demise' and I felt sick but he then understood.

All he was then bothered about was whether we'd seen the image in 4D as the letter header stated something about 4D baby scanning! I knew what I wanted to say to him but I was very polite. The only reassurances he could offer was that miscarriage is really common and to just crack on trying again. I'd literally found out 30minutes before that our baby had died! I look back now and laugh slightly in disbelief at how insensitive he was about the whole thing.

The GP I saw more recently was actually better. He didn't really say much but listened to me waffle for 5minutes about why I wanted him to refer me to the consultant and he just quickly agreed and sent me on my way.

@StephyRose I am so sorry you have had a CP on top of everything. The world can be really cruel😔 It sounds good now that the GP is proactively looking into it.

I’ve been toying with the idea of insisting on trying to find a reason before ttc again but I think the waiting for those tests would stress me as I’m turning 37 this year and this would be our first. I’d love to have more than 1 so I’m keen to ttc again ASAP. Also I was told at time of ERPC I had a fibroid but they never gave any details about fibroid location or size. I was told to get a scan in 6 weeks if I wanted to look into it further but I don’t know if focusing on that would be beneficial as I know also plenty of ppl with fibroids have no problems with pregnancy and the risk of surgery for the fibroid seems to outweigh the risk of MC. In an ideal world I’d reverse a few years and I wouldn’t be stressed about my age on top of it all and another couple months wait wouldn’t seem to take up such a large chunk of time.
DH and I always wanted to be financially stable with our own house before TTC but now I wish we maybe hadn’t waited so long. I remember in my late 20s thinking friends who were having babies were just mad and now I can’t help be jealous that they had their s**t so together whilst I was blowing all my savings on god knows what!

@GoldenBauble you poor thing, that doc sounds terrible and so insensitive. You would think it’s human nature to have empathy and not act like a doughnut (great description!!) and especially in that profession but unfortunately sometimes they are terrible..maybe it’s compassion fatigue. I’m a vet and know it’s def a big problem in our profession and the doctor who spoke to me after the ERPC was showing all the signs of this when she spoke to me after the procedure..she had a severe lack of compassion which really upset me at the time but when I think back on it now she looked so drained and exhausted it must have been that. Sometimes they are just plain doughnuts though!

Sending everyone strength to battle through another month of TTC and the TWW.

Let's do this xxxxxxx

@GoldenBauble definitely not just you! I’ve built up these ridiculous superstitions about the mc and I know they make no sense but I can’t help making all these associations.

With keeping stuff or not, maybe it’s too early to decide though, when (positive vibes!) you get that bfp and this is all a distant memory you might want to remember more than you do now.

I miscarried twins in September at 11 weeks. I'm desperately hoping that this will be our month. I feel such waves of sadness every week I get closer to what would have been their due date. Wishing everyone good luck in their journey recovering & conceiving.

@GoldenBauble your sad little Christmas tree story made me smile. It's funny the things that stick in our minds. And utterly bizarre that life just goes on around us when it feels like our own life is falling apart.

@StephyRose your scan is lovely, what a bitter sweet memory to hold on. Hopefully in time when it feels less raw, it will just be a nice memory for you.

@Jonathancreek I'm so sorry you miscarried your twins. Mine were 16 weeks and I gave birth to them after a MMC on 27th September. Tomorrow would have been the last possible date on which they could have been born. They were MCMA, going to be born by elective c section at 34 weeks and died from complications of the MCMA.

It takes time to heal. Good luck xx

I'm officially joining this thread now, AF has arrived on CD25. My cycles were 33 days before MC, and based on opks Im only 10dpo so wasn't expecting it yet.

Bring on February! Is anyone trying anything in particular this time?
In going to try the clear blue digital ovulation sticks in this next cycle as I didn't really get on with the little strip things x

@BS9790 was that AF since MC? Ovulation stick wise I used PreMom where you scan it into the app and it gives you a reading. I'm a bit of a novice with OPK so maybe this is something they all do, but I can actually recommend this one. And they are way cheaper than Clear Blue! I got pregnant straight away with those.