TTC after pregnancy loss thread 31 - baby penguins are coming!

[strawberrye]

🐧 🐧 🐧 🐧 🐧 🐧 🐧 🐧 🐧 🐧 🐧 🐧 🐧

Welcome to the 🐧 huddle. This is a wonderful supportive group for anyone TTC after the loss of a pregnancy or baby. Together we can get through he rollercoaster of TTC and get our baby penguins xx

@VenusStarr He thinks it is a bit better so hopefully it will improve on its own but we’ll see

@JuniperAndRosd We have had counselling and it helped. TBH I think we’ve mostly become closer since all of this happened but we are grieving, I’m stressing a bit about TTC, also about going back to work, he has two older children and that is causing some tension now, and he left his job in April and that is stressing me out too. I don’t want to force him to work but I also don’t want to feel like I have to go back to work because he won’t and be worrying about the bills. It’s a lot and I think it’s been a bad week.
How long is it since you had Eliza?

Can someone help me with ovulation tests? I’m trying to track my cycle and things as I’ve never did it before. Is this positive? Or negative because the line isn’t stronger than control line

Hi @sweetpea - I started using this type of test this month and downloaded the premom app - you just upload a photo of each test strip and it interprets it for you. I found this really helpful so might be worth checking it out?

Well looks like I'm out for this month. DH and I DTD and afterwards had some pale pink bleeding. I'm about 11 DPO and haven't had a period since my miscarriage 7 weeks ago so waiting to see what it will be like....

@Avocuddles aw thank you so much I’ve just downloaded it there. will be very helpful

Have any of you ladies ever experienced implantation bleeding? I'm confused as thought AF was beginning but it appears to have been a one off for now?

@avocuddles When I had implantation bleeding, I only realised it in retrospect, but it was a little like you describe - very light pink spotting. Fingers crossed for you, and hugs to you and everyone else who's going through tough times at the moment.

AF is now eleven days late, and I have four tests stacked on my bathroom shelf, all negative, which just feels like my body coming up with new and inventive ways to not be pregnant and to torture me in the process. GP said it might just be a really late ovulation, so the tests could take up to three weeks to be conclusive one way or another. Am just fed up of alternating between hope, despair and fear like this, stuck in this limbo. If I'm pregnant, why won't the damned line appear, and if I'm not, why won't AF come and just put me out of my misery?

Thanks @DuvetCaterpillar fingers are still crossed!

How frustrating for you. Are your cycles normally regular? Mine are crazy long, this is my first true TWW as I never managed a positive ovulation test previously so never really knew when AF was coming. To one extent that was easier as it took the pressure off but only having 7 or 8 cycles a year at 35+ wasn't great. I'm hoping that if this isn't my month, the acupuncture sessions I'm having might make my cycles a bit shorter....
Fingers are crossed for you x

@Avocuddles I have been trying since my loss. Didn’t try the very first month because of doctors advice with the dating, but regret that now. And just had a month break because my partner booked a holiday to try and de stress and didn’t want to fall pregnant before flying. But other than that have been trying with no luck. Bearing in mind the first time only took 2 months its very disheartening. On top of all that my sister in law who lives with me announced she’s pregnant and it was unplanned!

I had an extra long cycle of 44 days (mine is always 30-32) and was convinced I was pregnant but it was just late ovulation due to stress. Have you been tracking your ovulation. I recently bought the Ava bracelet and it was amazing @DuvetCaterpillar

@Sarah357 sorry you're having such a frustrating time, your sister in laws news must have been very difficult to take. Since we started our fertility journey 14 months ago I've had so many babies and pregnancies come into my life. We're the only ones of our friendship groups now that don't either have children or one on the way, which is heartbreaking. It's great that it only took you two cycles to conceive initially though, hopefully it won't be long until your next BFP.

Well AF appears to have arrived properly this morning and I'm far more upset than I'd expected. It's taken 7 weeks post MC to arrive although not a surprise it took so long as my pre pregnancy cycles were at least 6 weeks. I'd had numerous friends tell me anecdotes about conceiving immediately after loss, including one who got her own BFP just six weeks later, so I guess I was kind of pinning my hopes to the fact that this miscarriage would miraculously solve my fertility issues and give us the baby we long for. All of the emotions are hitting me this morning and there are a lot of tears, both for the fact we haven't succeeded this time round and for the fact that I should be 14 weeks by now, maybe even with a tiny bump showing. I just feel completely broken. We've still got another six days of holiday left but I just feel like locking myself away from the world at the moment. Have sent DH off to have some breakfast as I can't bear his sympathy and misguided attempts at saying it was probably his fault when I know that the issues lie with me. Life was so much easier a few months ago when I thought I was infertile and that we'd need help to achieve our dreams, knowing that I did manage to get pregnant but couldn't keep it is agony.

@Avocuddles I don't post on here a lot, but I just wanted to say that completely understand how you are feeling today and it's crap. I too had read stories and imagined a BFP, which was not meant to be for me either. I am now into my 4th cycle after MC and no hint of a BFP. What you are feeling is normal.

For me that first AF (and the two others I have subsequently had) have been major triggers. I though I was moving on with my grief but they have sene backwards for at least a few days when they have arrived. I think it's natural that our hopes are up (even if the prospect of a BFP is scary) and then it's devastating when it doesn't happen. I would have been 19 weeks last Monday and AF was cruelly a day late and arrived on Tuesday. I sobbed my heart out that morning thinking how bloody unfair life can be. I too want hide away and not see anyone, I think it's a kind of natural instinct to protect yourself when you are vulnerable and wounded (animals certainly do it when hurt and in pain). It's only today (end of af) that my sensible head has come back.

Be gentle with yourself, have that glass of wine/bar of chocolate, do anything that you feel will help. (My crap food consumption this week has been huge). You are not alone in this, the support I read on this thread is immense and I for one truly appreciate it

@Avocuddles I totally sympathise. We are also the only ones in our friendship group without children or one on the way. We also have infertility issues making conceiving naturally very difficult. When we did it seemed like a miracle, and when it all went wrong it felt all our hopes and dreams were being snatched away. When history repeated itself a year later I felt deeply sad, and totally alone. But what I keep telling myself, and what I will tell you, is there is so much hope. Some women who have infertility issues never see a second line. From a medical perspective the fact you can conceive is hugely positive. I know it’s a cliche but when I feel like you do I try to be logical and think- I’ve got a new cycle to look forward to. You will always feel at your worst when af arrives, all the hormones and reminders. It will get better and tomorrow you will wake up ready to enjoy the rest of your holiday. You deserve it!

Thanks @Kayjay2018 and @Mistymeow, I'm sorry that you're going through the same experiences but it does make me feel comforted to know that there are others who understand the pain. I thought I was dealing well with the grief, but the way I reacted this morning made me realise I've actually just been doing a great job at bottling it up. Determined to not let it drag down the rest of our holiday, am chilling on the balcony now and we're going to Dubrovnik later where I plan to enjoy more than a couple of glasses of chilled white wine. I guess on the plus side AF arrived a couple of days earlier than I expected which means that the next cycle is already starting, the first true one since my miscarriage. I've got more acupuncture booked once we're back home and I'm taking all the supplements that I've been recommended, so once we're back to 'reality' next week we'll get our healthy heads back on and hopefully within the coming weeks we'll get the opportunity give it another try. I think the fact that this was the first time I'd ever seen a positive ovulation test makes it feel worse, I'd pinned all my hopes on knowing that I had ovulated when prior to my pregnancy we were of the belief that I hadn't ovulated at all in the 11 months since I'd stopped taking the pill. But tomorrow is another day, I'm 35 (36 this year) so although time isn't completely on my side I hopefully have a few more years yet, and hopefully one day I'll not only see another BFP but get to hold my healthy, beautiful baby in my arms.....

Oh @Avocuddles, I hear you, I'm so sorry. You have a damned good cry if you want to and let it all out. We've all been there too, and you will get past today. I completely understand thinking about what might have been - I check the NHS due date calculator for my ectopic pregnancy regularly too, and it's painful but also a way of keeping them close. It's OK to cry and be down, you're grieving - spend this morning letting it all out, then get yourself down to that pool this afternoon and treat yourself and that poor suffering body of yours kindly. You're both trying your best, and that's all you can do.

@Sarah357 Your sister in law's pregnancy must be tough on you, I'm sorry. We're among the last of our friends to not have kids too, and I know what you mean about feeling left behind - I feel it too, watching their lives and priorities change while we feel stuck.

My cycles are normally regular and about 35/36 days, so hitting the 47 day or so mark now. Thanks for the tip on the Ava bracelet - I might give that a try next cycle if this isn't a lucky one. I've not been charting or doing ov sticks because it's not good for my mental state (plus the one month I tried the ov sticks, my LH levels were high enough to score positive from days 6-26, rendering the strips pointless) but maybe at least I'd feel like I was doing something with the bracelet!

Ah, cross posted because I'm such a slow typist, but Dubrovnik and white wine in the sunshine sounds like exactly the way forward! Grieve, relax and cherish yourself for now, then when you get home, new cycle, new sperm, new egg, new hope. The hope is painful, but what other option is there? Hoping we all have lovely, healthy and happy babies in our arms one day.

@Mistymeow thank you!! Just got repeat HCG results back, it increased to 587.2. Shaking like a leaf here and absolutely praying it works out this time around!

@Russkispy that's fantastic news hun xx Fx for a h & h 40 weeks
@AliceRR thanks for asking after me. Got an almost positive opk today so Fx the big O happens soon.

Hugs to all you lovely ladies x

Just done another opk I'd say its positive, what do you ladies think?

@Sweetpea12 I would say very nearly there, few more hours and it will be darker than the control line. Remember no fluids for at least 2-3 hours before testing to get the best result. I moved away from that brand to easy@home ones they are more expensive but the quality is much better.

@Sweetpea12 ah just realised that the pic was from yesterday have you tested again today?

@Lilimum7 yes I tested again today and uploaded it to Premom it showed a peak earlier in the day and a high a few hours ago. I don’t know if the result is right as I didn’t realise it’s best to not have had fluids. I’ve never tracked ovulation before this is all very new to me

@Russkispy so pleased for you! I hope you get to see your little one on a scan in a few weeks. Keep in touch.
@Lilimum7 definitely positive. Looks like your cycles are settling down :)
@Sweetpea12 I’d agree and say your opk is pretty much there. Would dtd today and tomorrow if you can.

@Russkispy that's great news, hope those numbers keep on increasing.

@Lilimum7 @Sweetpea12 glad you've got your positive OPKs, fingers crossed these are the eggs that grow into your rainbows!

On what cycle day do you all start testing with OPKs? Historically my cycles have been 40+ days long, but I'm hoping that acupuncture will bring this down. It's pretty disheartening going weeks without any positive though.
I've just booked a doctors appointment for about a month's time to find out whether our fertility clinic referral still stands or whether we need to start the clock again from when I miscarried. If only my cycles were 'normal' length I'd get 3 or 4 more shots a year! In the year between stopping the pill and falling pregnant I only bled four times and they were so light that a single box of tampons lasted the full 12 months - I really hope my body sorts itself out as it's not doing my mind any good at all....

@DuvetCaterpillar thanks for your kind words yesterday. It was tough at first but ultimately we had a great day. CD2 now, onwards and upwards. DH is rather enthused by the thought of more 'trying' (which as far as he's concerned should happen all month round regardless of how many times I try to explain... ) and I'm not working away this month so fingers crossed for a better outcome.

Hope you are all well and have a relaxing weekend x