The July '19ers - knocked down, but never beaten

[Frazzlerock]

Hey @TinselBee, @Rose68, @BettySwoll0cks

Here is the thread I promised us.

Somewhere for us to help eachother, pick one another up, cry, scream, laugh..

Some of us may be looking to try again, some may be putting things on hold. Whatever our plans, lets get through this together.

(I don't know whether conception was the right choice of topic, I can always have this moved to a more suitable topic if anyone would like me to)

I will look through our threads again and see if I can @mention anyone else who might like to join us

@TinselBee that's really hard holding a baby.

I had a friend announce her pregnancy the day I suspected the start of miscarriage last week and then last night, watching some action film, there was a whole part where the protagonist's wife finds out she is pregnant and they are going to baby scans together. Wtf- thought I had been punched in the stomach!

Oh Tinsel 🙈 as if you haven't enough to deal with... what a rubbish start to the day. I hope your little one is ok, poor thing.
That must have been awful for you 😢😢
Sending lots of hugs. Hope you get home soon!

Judging from the day I started bleeding, if I conceived this month, I'd be due on the 28th August... that doesn't even seem too far from my original due date of 5th July. I am desperately trying to remain positive that it will happen quickly.

@smerlin that's really shit it's not too early for this, is it?!

@edidxb I am so so sorry, it hurts like hell and there is nothing anyone can say to make it any better. The D&C was definitely the right choice for me, the doctors & nurses were all lovely and very supportive. It was done very quickly and I had very little bleeding after. It’s a shame your husband is away, can your friend stay with you after? I was told someone should be with me for 48 hours after the operation. I think it’s cause of the general anaesthetic.

It really seems that measuring behind is not good.

My DH won’t commit to trying again, but he seems to be quite happy to have contraceptive free sex. I feel like I’m waiting for him to pull the plug.

Oh @tinselbee that’s so hard. I can’t imagine being able to hold a little one just now. You’ve some strength (and hubby too). Hope he’s ok?

@edidxb I’m sorry you’ve had to join us.

@rather and @rose sending luck and dust your way. I’ve my fingers and toes crossed all of us fall quickly!

I’m still at the “this is shit phase” as I’m still bleeding, meaning we can’t try just yet. And...I also have a head cold and this mornings new addition of a cold sore - so not exactly feeling good on the attractive stakes either! (Although it’s been strange to see my shape return!).

@Merlin I know how you feel. Two of my close friends have announced their pregnancies, sensitively at least, since I’ve shared my news. Their both due June and July. While I’m delighted for them, we’ve had a rocky road ttc and I can’t help but be a bit green eyed monster too!

@Rose68 - that must be really tough. Are you keen to try again ASAP?

Thank you @hopefulirishmammy, sorry to hear you're feeling rubbish. Cold sores are the sign of being rundown, make sure you're looking after yourself.

An ex client of mine has just put a video on Facebook this morning of her riding her horse bareback at 6 months pregnant. I'm not judging yes I am but just think I did everything right, I took no risks, I was so careful... why did it happen to me...? I feel awful saying this as have absolutely no idea what this girl has been through but riding a horse bare back when you ride like a sack of potatoes at the best of times 6 months pregnant... why would you take that risk.

I think I’m struggling to keep up a bit here... so sorry if I have missed things.

@Tinsel, I’m so sorry you had to take your DS to hospital, and holding a baby must have been so hard. I feel sure you will hold your own baby in the not too distant future.

@Ratherbe DH and I are getting on a bit, I am by far the oldest here at 43. Hence the reason for my mc I suspect, so if we are to try again it needs to be soon. It took me a year and a half to talk DH into trying this time totally wasted time that we didn’t have. I have a little voice in my head telling me I should be grateful for what I already have, but another that is so desperate for another baby. Maybe I should walk away and find a more constructive use for my time and energy. Trouble is, I don’t look my age, I don’t feel my age, all my blood tests were great. I do feel like it’s still possible. It’s a tricky one.

@Rose68 you're certainly not too old... My SIL had my DN a few years back, at 42. I don't think that's considered old at all. She did have a mc at 5 weeks before him. Keep faith. Surely if you're DH is happy to have contraception free sex then he should be aware of what could happen, regardless of whether you're "trying" or not?!

Oh @edidxb I can't bear it, such fucking heartache for the July 19ers. What on earth is going on? I'm so so so sorry for you. Reading your post, it seems you have been through the same as me this time, and I believe @rose68 too. Though we've all been through absolute shit

However, I am pleased you found us

ratherbe I just couldn't have gone. We live relatively quite far out so just the thought of having to get to the train station, then on the train into London fills me with dread right now. Especially for just a couple of hours. Though I am aiming to go back to work on Monday so I need to psych myself up.

Betty I'm sorry you feel ill. I hope the long nap yesterday helped a bit, you must have needed it.
I'm in awe at those of you who have had to go into work, even WFH makes me anxious, but I think I have just built this all up in my head by not working.

Tinsel We are also TTC right away, and had lovely sex last night for the first time in a couple of weeks. Literally the second the brown blood stopped we pounced on eachother!

Although, I don't trust my ovaries which basically do as they please because of PCOS We've been 'lucky' as our little Emily was conceived by surprise when we'd only been together 6 months. We only had unprotected sex a handful of times so it was a bit of a shock to say the least. Especially given my history with TTC - DS1 took 2.5 years as I just wasn't having periods or ovulating. DS2 took 11 months of obsessive temping and researching and symptom spotting. But they were with my ex-H so not sure if that made any difference. Though doubt it was down to him as he has since had another child with his GF very quickly.

After we lost Emily, I fell pregnant within a month or two. So, again, I was shocked given my struggles.

Then 2.5 horribly long years later we TTC again and it only took 4 months to conceive Popsy.

I just don't know what my body will do, but I am so desperate to be pregnant again. I just cannot think about whether or not we will conceive this month or next month or next year or whatever. I am, however, going to start using my Ovusense thingie again tonight now that bleeding has officially stopped - you can't use it when bleeding, not sure why.
I'm so desperate for it to happen quickly but I know I won't trust another pregnancy ever again. I feel so sad that if/when we get another BFP, we just can't allow ourselves to be happy about it. Three losses just cannot be shit luck, there has to be something more sinister going on

I have also gone back to my reduced dairy, reduced, gluten, and reduced sugar diet that I was on when we were TTC Popsy. PCOS creates an insulin production problem and also hates dairy so I do believe that helped us to conceive our little one.
God, it is boring though!

Sorry, I've waffled on about me again and not even asked you how your little boy is! And I cannot imagine how it felt to have to hold that baby. I'd have had to say no and let DH hold the baby. You're a real trooper I have to say.

smerlin I think I will stay away from anything that might have a trigger. I have learnt to spot these a mile off in those horrid 2.5 years that we weren't TTC.

ratherbe Oh god, I know what you mean about people taking risks. I barely moved a muscle in fear this time around, didn't even sniff coffee. Yet you see all these people just doing what the hell they want and all is fine. I was driving in town the other day and I saw a very young woman (babies having babies) pushing a pram and she was puffing away on a fag - I was so angry I screamed "you selfish fucking C**t" and burst into tears - she wouldn't have heard me but it still made me feel better.

Talking of losing my shit, I did that again yesterday at home. We have a fridge in the utility room and the boys keep leaving the fridge door open as they just swing it shut but it is old and needs to be pushed close properly.

I had a small plastic basket in the hands and I yelled so loud I hurt my throat and smashed the basket over and over again on the kitchen work surface - I was like an animal. Then I sat in the utility room with the door closed and sobbed. My poor boys didn't know what to do, I told them to get out of my sight. What a horrible mummy I am. I did apologise afterwards and gave them hugs. They know I'm not really angry at them. And there I go, moaning at others for being selfish c**ts when I treat my own children like that...

This is turning me into such a freak. I think nearly 3 years of heartache is actually causing a nervous breakdown. I'm like a ticking time bomb How much more heartache do we have to go through before I'm sectioned....

Anyway, today, DP is at home with me and his friend, who is a plumber, is over fixing our new taps and a few other bits that need doing. He's a really funny guy, and has the same humour as us (very very dark and dry) so I have actually cracked a few smiles today which is nice

Sorry, another long post from me!

@Rose68 You're not old. I am 39 (40 in June - I still can't understand how that has happened) and I understand that fear but, like I said, I don't trust my stupid ovaries to give up an egg so could take years for us anyway. I know that our chances of MC go up so we have that against us, but so many women have healthy babies in their 40's. Some even begin their baby making in their 40's. Your DH is like mine so I also have that fear that he will pull the plug at any moment. It is very very hard xx

Thank you everyone. You're right, it's pretty shit and really unfair.
I am 36, 37 in Jan and from everything I have read it is harder but not impossible at all. So many people have babies in late 30s and early 40s. Even if some sort of assistance is required. I don't have any children yet so I don't even have the evidence that I can carry one to full term which is awful but will just have to keep on trying.
@Rose68, you are right. There are lots of stories out there saying that people measured behind and it was all good. However, if it happens to me again or to someone else I would err on the cautious side that it probably won't be OK.
Thanks @Frazzlerock for setting up the new thread. I read your blog too which I thought was very truthful and well written.
I just need to prepare for tomorrow now. It's quite unnerving not having an appointment or a firm arrangement. The whole "turn up and hopefully they'll operate if you say you have bleeding" thing unnerves me as I like a plan. However, the doctor must have been through it before so I believe her it will all be OK. I am just going to take my kindle and phone charger and hopefully it will get me through the day! I hate hospitals so much - they scare me.

OMG why am I feeling so ill? I am so nauseous, my head hurts, my whole body feels like it's pulsating. I want to climb out of my own skin. I am sure I never felt like this when I was pg with DS or with either of my mc's

@BettySwoll0cks do you have a high temp?

No temperature, although I had hot flushes all night and hardly slept. Maybe I do have a bug of some sort 🤷‍♀️ this isn't normal

@edidxb thinking of you, that sounds rubbish. I would hate to just "stroll in" too, and hate thinking of you alone afterwards. Is there anyone who can stay with you for a bit?

@BettySwoll0cks - there's so much going around at the minute. It could be a bug. Hope you feel better soon.

I've had a much better day today. One of my best friends knocked on my door earlier in tears, she's got so much on her plate at the minute and has been fighting back talking as she's not wanted to put anything else on me, but I'm glad she came round and I was able to make her feel better. It does put things into perspective sometimes when you listen to other people and I think I'm starting to snap out of the "woe is me" mode I've been in for the past 10 days.

I'm really trying hard to be grateful for what I do have as opposed to what I've lost - not particularly into mindfulness but it is making me feel a lot more positive.

No clue those of you are or have MC naturally do it. In agony today, still being sick and have slept most the day away. Feel so tough. So grateful DH is home to help with DS today as I wouldn't cope at all. Scared for tomorrow but also just want it over with.

DS is completely fine, he has some pinprick marks on him from the burn but doesn't seem bothered by it.

Still feeling so horribly bitter towards my DSis every time she uploads a photo or video of her newborn (she gave birth day before my confirmed MMC)

Frazzle I think considering every thing you're going through your behaviour was pretty normal. I've struggled to contain my anger and frustration. Had a go at someone in the car park the other day, completely out of character and not needed.

edidxb and Rose odds aren't against you yet lovelies. Neither of you are old at all, half my NCT mum's are your ages. I hope you get your snuggly newborns soon.

edidxb is pretty unnerving the whole turn up processes! Hope they do fit you in and it isn't as scary for you as you fear.

Sorry to hear you're feeling rough too Betty ! Hope it passes quickly

@Bettyswoll0cks could it be pregnancy hormones still? Or an infection maybe?

@edidxb I hope it goes okay for tomorrow, I guess it could be today now where you are. Is this your second mc?

@Tinselbee I hope it goes okay for you as well tomorrow. You should start feeling better after the surgery hopefully.

@Frazlerock I hope you are doing okay, this is such a hard journey. Do your boys know what’s happened? I didn’t tell mine, but I very nearly told my older son. I have started changing my diet again too, mostly trying to reduce sugar and red meat, and eat lots of bean salads, chicken and vegetable broth, avocado, nuts and blueberries. I haven’t cut out gluten or dairy, but I was having hardly any last time as I was mostly living on the above foods (plus cereal and milk for breakfast). I am finding it much harder to cut out sugar this time plus with Christmas coming it’s gonna be tough.

Hi all. Just waiting to go to surgery now. Been here for 3 and half hours so far but apparently it should be soon.
Nervous bit just want it done. X

Just turned up for my surgery too edidxb good luck for yours!

Can't believe I've had to wait a week for this surgery since confirmed MMC and now I'm being told as I'm the youngest on the ward I'm going to be last to be seen so should expect to not be operated on till this afternoon. I feel like crying. I'm still experiencing morning sickness and not having eaten or drunk anything since last night is so difficult. It's also all so real now. So fricking hard to think how some of you have done this more than once.

@edidxb & @TinselBee thinking of you both today. Sending lots of love to both of you xxxxx

@TinselBee and @edidxb I am thinking of you too.
Lots of love xxx

Thanks all. I am out of surgery now with some juice and water. As long as I don't vomit I can have some food.
It was really sad as I remember the journey down the hospital.corridors to the theatre from March and I am.in almost the same room again.
But at least here I get my own private room. Think it will be another hour or two before I can go home. Need some food and then my friend will come.collect me.
Sorry my.phone is giving lots of full stops. Or it's me getting over the general anaesthetic.
Good luck @tinslebee you'll feel better once it is done x

Thinking of you both - such a horrible thing to have to go through.

@TinselBee what does age have to do with it? Am I missing something? Feeling cross for you xxx

Hope you start to feel better after today @TinselBee and @edidxb

@TinselBee I’m so sorry this is made even harder. Hope your as ok as can be and that the wait is over sooner than they say!

@edidxb hoping your en route home with your friend. Take care of yourself.

Thinking of both of you x