The July '19ers - knocked down, but never beaten

[Frazzlerock]

Hey @TinselBee, @Rose68, @BettySwoll0cks

Here is the thread I promised us.

Somewhere for us to help eachother, pick one another up, cry, scream, laugh..

Some of us may be looking to try again, some may be putting things on hold. Whatever our plans, lets get through this together.

(I don't know whether conception was the right choice of topic, I can always have this moved to a more suitable topic if anyone would like me to)

I will look through our threads again and see if I can @mention anyone else who might like to join us

@Tinsel... has it stopped properly? My bleeding stopped 24 hours after surgery, but I had brown spotting for 9 or 10 dats after that. It might be sensible to wait a bit longer, but who wants to be sensible.... I think you know your body best xxx

Rose I'm not bothering wearing a pad as not even anything when wiping? Maybe I'll put something on tomorrow when I go to work just in case then. And maybe we shouldn't DTD tonight then just in case. I am surprised as thought I was to expect at least a weeks bleeding. Wonder if its because I started bleeding a few days prior the surgery anyway though?

@TinselBee @Rose68 my bleeding stopped after 3 days & I had spotting for another day or so after. I genuinely thought it would be for longer too but guess it's completely individual.

How's everyone feeling today?
I had a really lovely weekend - went out on Saturday night with the girls & took my horse to the beach to blow out the cobwebs on Sunday (thought I'd show you all a pic as it really was beautiful!).

Trying to keep myself busy... I'm desperately trying to not to symptom spot & have basically convinced myself it's not going to happen this month, so enjoying wine & Saint Agur while I can.

It seems I only get myself down whilst I'm either alone 😩 or tired. I had the weirdest dream last night - really violent - which really scared me. God knows what that was about!!

So lucky @ratherbeshowjumping

I rode on the beach for the first time earlier this year (school horse not my own sadly) and it was one of the most exhilarating riding experiences I have had.

Have a riding lesson tomorrow and think some horse cuddles are going to be a good way of taking my mind off things.

we ended up DTD last night, idk if that was foolish but still no bleeding this morning so taking that as a good sign.

already spent this morning crying to my colleague at work, she's been through this a few times now too sadly. Is kind of nice to have her as a support though

Ratherbe that looks so poetic, glad that was a lovely time for you. Horrid about the dream though. I understand what you mean about being alone, it is certainly then that it all hits more. Really hope you can stay sane this "cycle"

smerlin enjoy your horse cuddles tomorrow! how are you holding up?

@TinselBee just get suddenly sad every so often which is not great. Absolutely cannot concentrate on work. Only took one day off as physically am obviously ok but it is more of a struggle than I thought it would be.

Being able to start dtd again has helped though as at least I feel like it is now possible to get pg again. Although how I would cope with the anxiety if it happened is anyone's guess

@smerlin - that's exciting, where are you riding? Horse cuddles are the best way to take your mind off things - think that is a proven fact

@TinselBee it was really lovely. The dream was awful. I dreamt there were frogs all over the kitchen floor then I attacked this girl who was in our house trying to kiss DH - all very gory and very vivid. It only just occurred to me that vivid dreams were the first symptom I had with the last pregnancy but only 4/5dpo I highly doubt it is - very wishful thinking!!

I genuinely don't know how I will deal with the anxiety next time round.

@ratherbeshowjumping I ride in S London/Kent. Can only jump about 70cm on a good day though so not quite at competition standard unfortunately!

I am such an overthinker- now pregnancy has become something to massively overthink and stress about (and it's not exactly low stress under normal circumstances!)

@Ratherbe I love that photo, I wish I had something I love to do in my life. I do love skiing, but we have only been once in the last 10 years. We are going at Easter, yay! Good news about the bad dream... if you know what I mean... it sounds promising.

@Tinsel I’m sure it will be okay, it’s just following surgery the risks are slightly higher.

I’m glad I’m not the only one who decided not to wait following the op, I am now waiting for pmt to get me, usually 4 days after ovulation, except in October when I had no pmt followed by my bfp.

At smerlin and @Tinsel I’m sorry to hear you have been feeling sad. I am the same, I haven’t been crying recently, but I feel so low. I’m not working at the moment which isn’t great for me as I don’t feel like I have a purpose or a focus. Probably hence the desperate longing for another baby. I have so much regret about not managing to talk DH into this sooner, I am trying not to be resentful towards him, I know I can’t let it affect our relationship, but bloody hell its hard.

So I typed at instead of doing @ sorry @smerlin 🙄😁

Thanks @Rose, I really needed that yesterday. I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so low. I understand exactly how frustrating it is when they are.... compliant?... I guess?... to ttc. I know I felt really resentful towards DH last year when I was desperate and he wanted to wait.

Skiing sounds fantastic though - lucky you!!! I absolutely love skiing but DH spends most of his time flat on his bum doesn't really enjoy it so always vetoes it

@smerlin I don't think it matters what level you're at, I think it's just a great feeling to be out and about and enjoying yourself!

smerlin it is so hard isn't it, the random bouts of sadness. I just can't justify having any time off despite just wanting to cry in a ball but I know being at work is probably better mentally for us, even if we aren't concentrating at least we aren't on our own and trying to move on.

ratherbe so likely to be wishful thinking at only 4/5dpo annoyingly for you! Almost forgot how horrid the symptom spot and TWW can be! Probably just you mind being crazy as it has been and is going through so much. So odd about the frogs though! Are you scared of frogs?

Rose thank you lovely and I am so sorry you've been the same. I can imagine it is hard not being resentful to DH but you could very well have been going through this if you had tried earlier, or something else in your life could have happened which might have even made your DH resentful for persuading him to TTC earlier than he wanted to. It is a joint thing, as you know, and no one is to blame. Just try and look for comfort from him, maybe that will help you. I am sorry, must be so tough xx

I've demolished a large bar of fruit & nut dairy milk for my lunch whilst crying into it. Most of my work colleagues are out but think one may have awkwardly seen me in that state.

I've a family roast with my parents and grandparents tonight at least. That should help cheer me up. Just so bloody hard not feeling jealousy towards my sister and her newborn right now. Especially when everyone keeps talking and sharing photos about them. I still havent mananged more than a single text to her, i feel like such a bitch.

TLDR; (as usual!)

Hi everyone,

Sorry went quiet for a few days. We had a weekend in London that we weren't sure if we could cope with, but actually glad we did. More on that later. I need to catch up with everyone.

Firstly, I wanted to respond to you @Tinselbee and your concerns about anything you might have done or not. With my pregnancy with our little Emily I continued running, continued sit ups and fairly light weights. I also kept very mobile and didn't worry about anything much. When we lost her, I blamed myself. I've blamed myself ever since, until I feel pregnant with Popsy.
This tie around I did nothing. I didn't even run when I knew I'd ovulated (just in case), I stayed as still as I could. DP refused to let me do anything around the house. When at home I was basically sofa bound from day dot. I didn't even breath coffee, let alone drink it.
We still lost our baby.
Honestly, some women run marathons at 8 months pregnant and do Cross Fit and still give birth to healthy babies. Look at all the selfish twats women who drink and smoke throughout their pregnancies yet still go to full term and have healthy babies. Then you get people like us who are so careful and do everything right, yet have loss after loss. There is no rhyme nor reason to MC. As much as it sucks, you can only do your best. There is just no control over the outcome whatever you do . But I get it. I know full well that if we are lucky enough to get pregnant again, I will be sofa bound yet again and avoiding 'bad things' like the plague, even though I know it makes no difference.

@Rachyrach83 Welcome this his lovely group, I'm so sorry you're with us, but pleased you found us. Our baby also stopped growing at about 6 weeks but maintained a heartbeat until 8+2. We found out at a scan at 9+3 that our little one had died. I also had surgical management. I'm now 11 days on from that. I don't know about HCG levels as mine have not been tested. But my core temp is still fairly high. We are TTC again. We started the day I stopped bleeding! I don't think it matters TBH. After our first loss we TTC as soon as we could and was pregnant within a couple of months. But we lost that one too.
Then we had a 2.5 year break and fell pregnant with our most recent little one, but lost that one too. (three now). So we are going full steam ahead again. Though, now and again, I get brown spotting still
Re ovulation kits, I have mentioned this several times on this thread and our ante natal thread, I use Ovusense (no I am not affiliated with them ) which is a little device you insert into your vagina over night and then connect it to your phone in the morning. There is an app that charts your temps for you. It's pricey, but I have PCOS and it was developed specifically for that so I figured it was worth it. I fell pregnant on my first cycle of using it, so I am using it again now. Though I have started a new cycle from the day of my op, seeing as that is when I started bleeding. I'm not sure if that will confuse the thing, as it is telling me I am in my fertile window...

@Rose68 I'm sorry things are shit right now as if things weren't shit enough . How are you feeling today? Re your DH, I know this feeling well. I think I told you that DP refused to try again after our 2nd loss. Told me he never wanted children anyway. I thought that was it and fell into a terrible dark hole. Then he changed his mind on my birthday this year. Granted, 2.5 years was a terribly long time but don't lose hope!

@ratherbeshowjumping what a gorgeous picture! Sorry about your dream. I too have had some distrubing dreams, I think it is just all the shit going on in our minds right now. I don't know about you but I constantly think about the MC. But before I was constantly thinking about the baby so my head just can't let go just yet. Hence the horrid dreams. Or maybe we still have hormones floating about?

I'm writing this as I catch up through posts so @tinselbee, back to you again, you're not a bitch! If your sister has a decent bone in her body then she will totally understand your feelings. Be kind to yourself and only do what you feel capable of xx

Right so this weekend was a pre-booked stay in Dalston Premier Inn (glamorous! ) and then a pre booked 90's indie club night to relive our youth. It was just DP and me and we had such a good time. We were utter Shoreditch Wankers and ate the most delicious food at Boxpark and drank way too much. Then went back to the hotel to kill a few hours before the club (we still weren't sure if we had the club in us). We took advantage of those few hours (if you know what I mean ) then got ready and went out. We danced until 3am and crashed out.
Needless to say, we ere finished on Sunday. We were so ill.
I can't remember the last time I drank that much and had such a good time. Though a few songs had me in tears (If you're an Inde head like me - Tomorrow by James, and Chasing Rainbows by Shed Seven )
It was weird as I never imagined I'd even have a sniff of alcohol before July

So today, I've been at the hospital for an ultrasound appointment for a lump in my groin, which I'd totally forgotten about so forgot to cancel - the lump has gone but went anyway. Lucky I did as they fond a femoral hernia. I've no idea what this is or how it will effect me as I can't even feel it anymore . The sonographer said I'd have to be operated on if it doesn't go on its own. Though I'm not sure how I will know it's gone if I can't feel it .

I cheekily asked him to roll the probe over my tummy to check everything was healthy after my surgery. He did have a look but he said with my retroverted uterus he'd have to go internally so he couldn't do it. Though he did say there are no big cysts or anything so I guess that is something...

Sorry, my usual essay! Shame I was no good at writing essays at school....

Hi @frazzlerock, I'm glad you're back I was starting to worry about you.
What a lovely weekend you had... you sound so much more upbeat, I'm really pleased for you!! I'm sorry to hear about your hernia - that's really shit and probably the last thing you need.
Completely agree with you & Tinsel, it's far too early for new pg symptoms, it must be hormones still hanging around. I've never given frogs much thought (a sentence I never thought I'd write...) so not sure if I am scared of them. It was all just very realistic and bizarre.
I'm certainly thinking of the mc, it's something I think about constantly... not in a depressed way, but as if it's just part of my internal make up now. Without being too metaphorical, it feels like a rucksack that I've always got on and can't take off. Sometimes it's really heavy, sometimes it's quite light, sometimes it gets in the way but most of the time, it's just there.

Does your sister know about your mc @TinselBee? If so, I think she will understand how you're feeling. I wouldn't beat yourself up too much xxxx

@ratherbeshowjumping the rucksack analogy is so apt

@Frazzlerock which Indie night did you go to? That sounds right up my street and exactly what I need!

I got completely drunk on Fri night- 3days after mc confirmed. Was exactly what I needed to put it out of my mind for a bit.

@Frazzlerock

Thanks for the warm welcome
I honestly feel so glad to have found this thread.

I am going to ‘see what happens’ this cycle without ‘TRYING’ if u know what I mean.

I wouldn’t have my hcg done if I didn’t demand it from my gp but now she’s on board and knows it helps my anxiety.

I started trying to ‘temp’ with bb thermometer but it’s a bit all over the place.... dropped a whole half degreee this morning (11 days after ERPC)

I’m still brown spotting for last 3 days (it’s VERY brown and sticky) and VERY little - very little ends up in panyliner but there on wiping every time.
It’s ckearly the end of things but my goodness I wish it would go away now I just want to wear nice pants!!!

I read about Ovusense, but it wasn’t dispatched until 7th Dec and I would be cycle day 8 by then so thought I’d try manual temping and start the clearblue digital opk next cycle .
It’s deffo on my watch list though and good to hear someone who it works for!

@Frazlerock good to see you back lovely! Trouble is I can’t wait for DH for 2.5 years. It has to be now or never. I feel that dark hole looming in front of me and I’m not sure how to avoid it. Anyway it’s good to hear you had a good weekend, we also had a late drunken one with lots of dancing on Saturday. I’m still knackered. I’m not sure about the hernia.... i’m guessing they will need to get you back in to check it out.

@Tinselbee thank you for your advice, I know you are right, it does have to be a joint decision. I fell off my chair when DH announced in the summer that he was up for trying. But... knowing something is right and getting ones feelings in order to stop the relationship being affected seems to be a whole different matter.

Also @Tinslebee I have had a very similar situation with one of my sisters, she has two boys like me and then she had a little girl last year. We weren’t trying at the time, but it still hurt like hell and I still struggle with it over a year later. It was made worse because they named her a very similar name to my DS. I was so pissed off, and hurt, and my sister was devastated because she knew I was upset. But they stuck with it, and now we have similar names, and it does cause confusion. Why does someone do that? She made no effort to contact me at the time and I understood that she was struggling with a new baby plus her 2 boys and plus all the hormones that are all over the place after having a new baby. I suppose what I’m trying to say is it might not be so easy for your sister at the moment, does she know about your mc? If not she might not understand why you are being a bit off? But anyway, you are not a bitch, you are grieving and trying to navigate your way through a very difficult time. Sending you hugs and

Hi ladies, hope this is ok to post. I would have been due next July however i miscarried last month. I have no idea what to do with myself at the minute im driving myself crazy. I think i had a positve opk last Monday therefore think?? I am in tie TWW period. If i am pregnant will i get simula symptoms to my previous pregnancy i.e very tired and dizziness or could it be different. I have this almost sciatic pain in my right side of my back could this have anything to do with implantation or am i just crazy and looking into everything too much??

Morning all.
I am still off work - I got signed off for a whole week and I probably could back tomorrow and Thursday as I think I am OK now. But have just been taking the time to feel better physically and emotionally. Have read most of the internet, although not about miscarriage and TTC which is nice for a little break. I started posting on the 35+ and TTC number 1 board earlier this year on Mumsnet and it really helped me. I never thought I would be one for internet forums as haven't really dallied before but then I joined the Antenatal one for July and now I'm here! I'm going to have a read of the TTC after miscarriage today too.
So I am looking forward to posting again, although I am going away over Christmas so I will be pretty quiet for a bit, but then I'll be back.

I had my D&C on Friday and today is Tuesday and the bleeding is almost gone which is good. I have a follow up on Thursday morning to check everything is OK.

Good to see you back @Frazzlerock. Your weekend sounds amazing. I had my first drink last night and it was an amazing Gin and Tonic. Looking forward to a really nice glass of red wine now too! But weird as wasn't expecting any alcohol for a long time! This morning I went to Starbucks and had my first caffeine coffee. Had a latte and now I am buzzing! I don't drink much coffee anyway, usually only one a week so it will hit me this morning!

@idratherbeshowjumping - what a fantastic picture. I used to ride all the time when younger and I even started it up again about 4 years ago and went for a year, but I find at this age if you haven't been using the muscles you need to go regularly to build it up again and I could only afford once a week and even that was expensive so I stopped again which is a shame. But I'll always have a love for horses.

@wishesfor2018 - welcome to the group. I'm sorry you are here like the rest of us. I don't know about your symptoms but when I was TTC before I had every single pregnancy symptom for about 6 months a BFN each time. Unfortunately so many of the period symptoms are the same as pregnancy symptoms.

I have started my BBT the last two mornings and it was still high - 36.6 which is the highest it is after ovulation. So I still have a lot of hormones in my system. Which is understandable. I'm going to try and not get too frustrated as it took almost 3 months after my last mmc for my cycle to come back.

I have taken a trip out of the house this morning and went to Boots and bought lots of vitamins including Coenzyme Q10 which is meant to be great for egg quality. I took it the cycle I conceived last time so hoping for positive things again.

@Tinslebee - I hope the family roast was good. Sounds like just the tonic.

Right, off to see what I can watch on Netflix and google on the internet!

@edidxb
What dose of coenzyme q10 do you take hun?
Xx

Frazzle that sounds like my kind of weekend! What a time! Not surprised those were the songs that got you in tears though Thank you for your lovely words btw, you are always so helpful at saying exactly what I (and I am sure everyone else too) needs to hear. Hope the femoral hernia isn't anything sinister? Is it a muscle thing?

ratherbe and rose Yeah my sister does know, everyone bloomin knows. Although I am grateful everyone does know so they know why I am in this state.

Wishes welcome! Sorry you have found yourself here with us but glad you can join us for the ride.

edidxb hey again, glad you are feeling a little bit better lovely! My bleeding has totally gone too from Friday. Hoping that is a good sign for us. Great you are getting a check up to ensure all has gone well. I feel so left in the dark with it all tbh! Enjoy you netflix day

Hello everyone, still in limbo over here completely clueless as to what's going on inside my body. Another week til my follow up scan so just not getting my hopes up in the meantime. Back at work and just trying to pretend that nothing is going on.

Really pleased to read that some are feeling positive about ttc straight away. For what it's worth, I had started taking Viridian fertility aid supplements and maca powder about a month before I conceived this time, and I fell pregnant literally the first time I tried pre-seed (fertility lubricant - q hilarious if, like me, you're not used to using lube 😂). Could be total coincidence of course but it's all supposed to help.

Re BBT, what do you expect after mc? Does your temp stay above the cover line until the hormones have died down, and then you expect a temp rise as usual after you O? I don't have my copy of TCOYF to hand!!

Hi @Wishesfor2018 I'm really sorry to see you here, but glad that you've found us. I hope you're doing OK as can be expected? I genuinely don't have a clue if you'll get similar symptoms or not. How many dpo are you? I've found myself overanalysing every little ache/pain etc - the TWW is awful and I really sympathise with you.
I know that CD20, which is tomorrow, is the day I began to suspect I was pg on the month I fell pg, but trying SO hard not to expect anything.

@BettySwoll0cks glad you're still here. Sorry to hear you're feeling rubbish still. I fell pg first time using pre-seed too! Could be coincidence as well but there are a lot of stories saying that people have been trying for ages then started using it and got a BFP imminently. Would definitely recommend it.

Is anyone taking aspirin? My godmother had 4 mcs in between her 2 children - just before she fell pg with her DS, she started taking aspirin and had a healthy pregnancy. Again, unsure if it's coincidence or not?

Morning,

@ratherbeshowjumping I think I am more upbeat. But then feel like shit for being upbeat, which is ridiculous. I feel like I almost want to be miserable, does that make sense? I did have a cry on the Sunday as I felt weird for having such a good time.
I don't know about new pregnancy symptoms. It hadn't even crossed my mind that any of us would be pregnant again so quickly. I, for one, am only on CD12 (if I have calculated this cycle correctly) but we must all be at different stages depending on when we lost our little ones . Your rucksack analogy is spot on. I have definitely been carrying around this load since our first one. But weirdly, it feels lighter this time. I almost feel like an expert in all this, despite also feeling completely lost - what a strange bunch of feelings all this creates. I don't know if it is because DP is on board with TTC again this time, or the investigations or what.

@smerlin it was a one off indie night. It was an event on FB called 'Resurrection: Indie, Britpop, Madchester 89-99'. Worth a 'like' if you enjoy that sort of thing as I imagine they will do another one. I am glad you got to let your hair down too. I think we all need it TBF.

@Rachyrach83 I'm the same with the odd brown spotting. My 'proper' bleeding stopped after 5 days but I've had this icky brown stuff everyday ever since. But it is getting much less now. Barely even noticeable, long may it continue.I deffo recommend Ovusense. It records your core temp rather than basal so (allegedly) more accurate. Like I say, I got pregnant first cycle of using it, which was our 4th cycle of TTC. With PCOS I am usually TTC a lot longer!
Maybe coincidence of course.

@Rose68 I know you can't wait and I hope so much you don't have to. They just don't understand how much this effects us do they? What exactly bothers your DH about having another? does he think his thoughts are really worth risking your mental health over?

Hi @WishesFor2018, sorry you find yourself here. I don't know about new pregnancies already as I'm not even at ovulation yet (only been 12 days since my op). From what I have learnt from the TWW symptoms can mean anything or nothing. I've had strong pregnancy symptoms and not been pregnant. I have also had no symptoms and been pregnant. But, I will be like you when my time comes and be questioning everything as usual. With our latest little one, I didn't really have any symptoms for the first couple of weeks after BFP. Just metal mouth and thirst which still came after BFP - I only tested as my temp stayed high.

@edidxb I am in the TTC after miscarriage group. I joined when we started TTC and then buggered off when I got my BFP, then felt bad that I'd buggered off. Though I popped my head in the other day just to update people. It's a lovely group, but there are a few pregnancies on there which I am not ready to be a part of yet. I'm not sure how I'll cope on here when you guys start getting your BFPs, but I will cross that bridge when I get to it! Re high temps, yup, mine are still high too, so I think I still have hormones, but I think it is dropping now so I will assume ovulation will be delayed while things go back to normal. Mine has been between 36.62 and 36.68 which was my luteal phase temps with my pregnancy cycle. Before ovulation I was between 36.16 and 36.32 so I must have these hormones still hanging about. I've not done a test though. I wonder if I should? Have you? I just don't think I can cope with the BFN - such a kick in the teeth. Talking of which, the day I went to my GP to ask for MC clinic referral, there was a car in the car park with BFN on its reg plate - I was like REALLY!?
coffee, yep, I was a bit jumpy after my first caffeine coffee. I'm only going to allow myself one a day until my next BFP I think. Makes it easier to come off it! I am a coffee fanatic so I would usually have about 3 a day.
Oooh Coenzyme Q10 eh? I need to get me some of that. I swear my eggs are crap which is why we keep losing our babies Which one did you get?

@TinselBee I don't really know what this hernia thing is TBH, I googled and it said something about it being part of the bowel being somewhere it should be - Sonographer said pregnancy can cause it - great!

@BettySwoll0cks oh man, it must be driving you mad!
Re pre-seed, I have some and was gonna dig it out last night but I am worried these extra 'things' will put pressure on, you know? I want to make sex about sex and not about baby making - though it is just as much baby making! I've not told DP that I have some in my bedside drawer, I don't want to be like "ta-da!" but also haven't found the opportunity to say I have bought some.
BBT - like I have said above somewhere in my (yet again) huge post , I am pre-ovulation and my temps are still very high so I am expecting ovulation to be delayed until my temps drop down. I guess we are all different though, right?

I have to say I am so proud of all of you and your amazing strength. I feel like I'm still pulling myself along and I do wonder if I am deliberately, but not deliberately, clinging onto this sadness. Like, if I let go, then I am letting go of our little Popsy. Mad isn't it...

So today, I am back in the office for the first time. I was really apprehensive but it is okay. I've had a couple of hugs and had a lovely chat with our receptionist. One of my colleagues was like "Oh hi Fraz, good to see you back, have you been off or WFH?" I didn't have the heart to shit on his parade so I just told him I was resting after an operation. He didn't ask anymore. I honestly thought everyone knew

Right, I had better stop there as you must all be falling asleep - I've no idea why I write such huge posts!
also, it has taken me all morning to write this as I have been flitting from working to back here again so I might have even crossed posts a few times...

Oh and it has taken me that long that I forgot I'd attached that little inspirational quote. I think it is one of my favourites