The July '19ers - knocked down, but never beaten

[Frazzlerock]

Hey @TinselBee, @Rose68, @BettySwoll0cks

Here is the thread I promised us.

Somewhere for us to help eachother, pick one another up, cry, scream, laugh..

Some of us may be looking to try again, some may be putting things on hold. Whatever our plans, lets get through this together.

(I don't know whether conception was the right choice of topic, I can always have this moved to a more suitable topic if anyone would like me to)

I will look through our threads again and see if I can @mention anyone else who might like to join us

@smerlin I was going to say F&B too. We painted our kitchen in Hague Blue which is pretty similar, and water based too. Or try Earthborn paints, those are good & non toxic too

@TinselBee Sorry you've been feeling so rough. Hormones are such a bugger 😕

Re: pg dates, I can't be that far out, we didn't DTD after I'd O'd so no. I still don't understand how the EPU use the measurements for dating. They told me that 4mm is 5-6 weeks, I read somewhere else that the rule of thumb is 6 plus however many mm's, so that would make me 6+4. Oh fuck knows.

Hope you get good news @BettySwoll0cks but must admit thinking positive is not something I can completely recommend at the moment! Not sure how reliable the dating measurements are though

@Rose68 I haven’t tried progesterone or aspirin but it’s definitely something I’m going to ask the hospital about whenever I get my recurrent miscarriage testing. Anything for a healthy pregnancy. Also, I’ve just turned 25 so naively thought that pregnancy would be straightforward with age being on my side! Sadly not. Fingers crossed for everyone here. So sorry we’re all in this group, although the support is great x

@Frazzlerock thank you. My heart goes out to everyone here, it’s a horrible situation. Just heartbreaking. I’ve just learned how to cope with it sadly. Such a lovely poem btw, brought a tear to my eye 💕

@TinselBee I’m so sorry you’ve started bleeding. It usually does take longer for everything to pass. I’ve miscarried naturally a few times - it is definitely distinct as you pass the gestation sac. With this baby, it was the size of my palm. 1st MMC it was the size/length of my whole hand. It sounds scary but for me, it isn’t as scary as you expect. I doubt you’ll MC naturally though in that short time but if you were to, then try not to worry. You’ll manage it. Wishing you the best of luck that Friday goes as smoothly as possible and a quick recovery, fingers crossed xx

@ratherbeshowjumping that’s so lovely, how thoughtful from your DH ❤️

@Betty I’m sorry you’re going through this. That’s strange, is there definitely no hope? I’m just surprised there’s a heartbeat if the pregnancy isn’t growing properly. Sorry don’t want to seem like I’m trying to get your hopes up just asking out of curiosity. I really hope that you get a definitive answer soon xx

@Hopeful and @smerlin I’m so sorry to hear you’ve both had losses. It’s so sad and I’m sending love. Hope you’re both doing okay 💕

Small update from me: had another blood test today, HCG level down to 400 so I’m confident it was the sac I passed yesterday. Bleeding has almost stopped already. I guess I was measuring 5+3 so I’ve never had a loss at this gestation so how short it’s been has been a surprise.
With my first MMC I was losing way too much blood, it was like turning a tap on (sorry tmi) and was making me faint with the worst pains ever too. & then with my son it was basically giving birth to his little body, just with no life so that felt like an actual birth experience. The contractions, pushing, placenta, everything. So this time around it’s been a surprise and I’m trying to look at it as one positive, that my body hasn’t been too hard on me this time. Previous losses were definitely scarier and way way more painful, so I’m relieved about that.

Now it’s time to look into recurrent miscarriage testing for me! & a break from TTC. I feel like my body deserves a break after all I’ve put it through! 😬

@Betty man I have no idea re dates. Ours measured 3.6mm at our first scan (no heartbeat) and sonographer said I was 6+3weeks (should have been 7 weeks)
Then 10 days later baby measured less at 3.1mm but with a heartbeat this time - though she said I was 6 weeks... (should have been 8+3)
Then 8 days later baby measured 2.8mm and no heartbeat (should have been 9+3)
It makes zero sense to me how a baby can actually shrink at each scan, yet show a beating heart one week and nothing the next.
It is like bay wasn't developing at all (shrinking even) but the heart did develop to a point. Mind fuck.

Our first baby (Emily) actually made it to just under 9 weeks according to our final devastating scan at exactly 9 weeks so she had literally died only days before, and had developed normally (in size that is)

I'm no longer convinced that early scans can give you peace of mind because, even with a heartbeat, they can be dead at the next scan.
It's all bullshit.
Even checking stats and probabilities is bullshit. Did I read on this thread? Or somewhere else perhaps that MCs are 1 in 4 (yet every one of my village circle of friends (around 8/9 of us) have had at least one MC. And only 1% of people experience recurrent MC - well blow me.... How have several of us in our July 2019 ante natal thread had recurrent MCs, and now find ourselves here?

Maybe I just don't understand probability and stats... (likely)

@hayleyfx you've been through such a lot. Every MC is so different isn't it?

My two surgeries at 9 weeks have been physically manageable.
But the one we lost mega early - the day we got our BFP - I was haemorrhaging blood, I had to get checked out as was losing so much blood all day everyday. I couldn't work out how such a young pregnancy (must have only been 3-4 weeks as I tested really early) could cause such a lot of bleeding. Again, total mind fuck.
Nothing about this seems 'average'
Are you okay with taking a break? I know I am desperate to be pregnant again, but then we had a 2.5 year break which I didn't want.

FFS, why can't making a baby be simple? Three babies have been born in DP's family in the 3 years since we lost our last two, and nothing, absolutely nothing has gone wrong for them. Not that I'd want it to, but you know...

Oh Frazzle the stats are horrid to look at. I was shocked when I found out it's 1 in 4 (or 1 in 10 for those of us under 30). I couldn't believe it was so high! Only me and my aunt have experience MCs in our extended family which is why I think no one really knows how to support me or what to say, also why I had my family asking me "so when you having your next baby? Why's it taking so long?" Whilst we were TTC for 12 months. I had no idea how hard it can be. I was so naive with DS.

Tinsel I was also very naive with the DSs. I was 26 and 30 when I had them, so very young (one of the youngest of my circles). I knew nothing about MC, just that it happened to other people . Back then I was excited for scans as it meant I could see my baby again. Get this, I was even disappointed when we discovered DS2 was a boy (albeit for a few minutes). I mean, how fucking selfish is that!? If I could go back to that time, I would give myself a very hard slap across the face.

Sorry @HallowsandHorcruxes just realsied I totally missed your post.
Sorry you have had to come over to us too, so many of us have had to move over here

@Frazlerock I am very ashamed to say I had similar feelings with my first son, I found out at the 20 week scan I was having a boy and I was disappointed. I definitely needed a slap. It never occurred to me that he would be anything but healthy.

Fast forward 2.5 years to when my second DS was born and I had seen a lot of very bad shit with my friends and family. So I was just very relieved to have a healthy baby.

@hayleyfx If the mc’s are to do with egg quality, there is lots you can do to improve egg quality. Although you are very young for egg quality to be an issue. I’m sure they will have some answers for you and time is definitely on your side.

@Tinselbee how are you doing? Are you still bleeding?

I’m so sorry @hallowsandhorcruxes, ectopic pregnancy is a nightmare. I really hope your tube can be saved.

And @smerlin, so sorry to see you here. I can’t believe how many of us there are.

I'm also horrified to admit I had similar thoughts with the one we just lost. Everyone told me, you're young, you're fit, you're healthy - it will NEVER happen to you. I really thought she was a girl & was picturing all the fun we'd have together with ponies. I actually never thought for a second "let's just get through this with a healthy baby."
Building on what Tinsel said, to me, mc was something awful & tragic that happened to other people... I find it's not until you open up & you start talking to others, how many people have actually suffered with this.

Morning everyone,

How are we all managing this morning?
I've cried several times, DP has had to go into work but he will be at home tomorrow.

I've just booked my miscarriage referral appointment. It's not until 21st February. It seems so long away. Still, I could get pregnant in that time and, if we lose another, then I still have that appointment in place.

I've just given up my running place in the London Landmarks Half for Tommys. I love running and have done many races, but I haven't trained for this one as was too scared to move during my pregnancy with Popsy, and if I get pregnant again there is no way I'm doing any running, especially not race quality. Not that it made the slightest bit of difference this time.

We've another gloomy day here in Sevenoaks. I'm still in my PJs, sitting in the nursing chair, watching Jeremy Kyle - Oh how I've changed

It is my work xmas party tonight, which I organised! My colleagues have been asking me if I will go but there is no way I'm ready for any of that. Plus I bought a beautiful dress from Jojomaman Bebe which i was going to wear and proudly show off my little bump - which was already pretty big if you remember my pics on the ante natal thread.
It would have been so much fun. It was at one of those temporary big tops along the South Bank in London. It is shared with lots of other companies and with a Vegas Theme, so loads of entertainment to watch along with a full xmas dinner and free drinks.
Gutted I've had to miss out.
When we lost Emily, the same thing happened. I'd bought a gorgeous summer maternity dress for the summer party, and I had to duck out of that one too. I now have two dresses in my wardrobe that haven't been worn. I wonder if I will ever get to wear them...

What to do today...
I could just sit here all day and fester. I do have a bit of cleaning to do (fun!). I may even brave Bluewater to get DP some birthday/xmas presents but that seems to be the place that all pregnant women congregate. In the time DP refused to try again, I really struggled being there. I often came home and cried my eyes out.

Maybe I could go back to my new favourite shop instead - B&M

Tinsel how's the bleeding today?
Betty - any progression today?

Oh Frazzle it sounds like you're being so, so brave. I really wish I could just bring you a cup of tea and give you a huge hug.

Is there no way you can go tonight? It sounds like a fantastic night (kudos to you for organising that!) and may make you feel a little better just to get out and see what you've achieved...?
One of my best friends is 20 weeks, I was so excited to be off on mat leave at the same time as her - on the weekend, we'd arranged for her, her DH & DS to come for Sunday lunch. DH and I were absolutely dreading it and I had even picked up the phone a few times ready to cancel during the week. We ended up having a lovely afternoon and I'm so pleased I didn't cancel the plans.

Hope you have a lovely day, whatever you end up doing.

I'm working but in honesty am finding it tough to concentrate (hence why I'm here...). All I want to do is curl up with my dogs and a good book and just pretend the past 2 weeks have been a horrible nightmare.

A huge hug to you @Frazzlerock I'm so sorry you won't get it enjoy your organisational wizardry tonight it sounds like an amazing Christmas do. Like ratherbe, we had friends round at the weekend and although I definitely didn't feel at my sparkly best, I am glad we did it. Much easier when DP is around to support I think.

I have just given up at work. I feel so ill - like the worst ever hangover, and shaking all over - I don't remember feeling as bad as this with my first but maybe I've forgotten. I have a laptop for work so I can keep on top of things but first I'm going to have a sleep. 😴

..... For 3 hours. Whoops

Frazzle, I’m so sorry that’s so tough. It sounds like YOU know what you need to do for you. That’s all you can do. But sending hugs your way!
And well done on organizing. It sounds fab!!

I went to part of my work do on Friday, mainly as some colleagues are friends, partly as I had also organized it. And partly as it helped break the news for me before I officially return and am expected to work “like normal” (most people knew as it’s a social environment and I was obviously not drinking and fairly ill, plus frontline healthcare so was risk assessed!). I had a line prepped that I was comfortable saying when people said something (mainly comforting comments but still hard to hear) and for me it worked. I felt more supported after and have even got a few nice texts/emails. BUT you know what you can manage and what you need. I’m sorry it’s not as you had hoped. It’s not a nice reminder

To the others at work...I’ve no idea how your there! I’ve been so emotionally exhausted I’ve slept past ten most mornings and napped most days!! I’m back in tomorrow to organize my timetable for the following week. I spent this morning leaving my house (which I really haven’t done in the last week) and then cleaning and dancing to cheesy songs. Now I’m shattered. I’m kinda in awe of your bravery!

Absolutely do not blame you @BettySwoll0cks
I'm working from home in my pjs and the desire to curl into a ball and not adult today is beyond tempting

Afternoon everyone, hope you're all as well as you can be xx

Frazzle I am so sorry you've been crying. It's good to get it all out. How does you DH feel about TTC again? Did you get out shopping? Hope you enjoyed yourself. I totally understand how you feel about work and the dress, in the same boat here. Foolishly have had same dress for past 2 christmassy now unworn.

Rather that's how I've been feeling too at work. Taken rest of the week off, didn't go in today. It's tough isn't it? Good on you from managing to work from home and powering through

So sorry to read how poorly you've felt Betty and it's good to have time away from work and rest.

Bleeding is so odd, it's just like brown blood in with CM now. It's so light. But cramping and back pain is awful.

Spoken to DH and I think we will actually TTC straight away

That's good to hear @TinselBee. Do you chart your cycles? Could be useful if you do conceive without having had a period in between

Betty have done at start of TTC journey by BBT but ended up just going by CM. But think I'll start BBT again from this weekend

Btw is anyone else finding they are super hot one second then super cold? Been winding me up all yesterday and last night!

Hi all. I'm here to join the party too from the July ante-natal boards. Had my scan this morning (3rd one) and it was bad news. Another missed miscarriage. I should have been 9+4 but was actually 6+2.
I had my last scan and was 6 weeks even though I thought I was 7. There was a heartbeat so the doctor thought everything was fine but asked me to come back in 2 weeks which I did.
I was reasonably hopeful. Still having some nausea even though I wasn't as tired and boobs not as senstitve. But it wasn't to be.
I had mentally prepared myself but still burst into tears and am devastated.
Last time I went for the natural miscarriage which I found out at 10 weeks but it was 8+3. I ended up in an ambulance and hospital in so much pain having a D&C so this time I am going straight for the operation.
I live in Dubai so it's a bit different here with insurance so my doctor told me to go to A&E tomorrow morning and they should be able to do it tomorrow. If I make an appointment for surgery it has to get preapproval from the insurance company which takes days.
So I'll take my dog to boarding today and head to the hospital tomorrow and hopefully they do it and I don't have to wait too long. Just have to fast after dinner tonight.
Was taking the progesterone and aspirn this time. I am convinced the progesterone just masks a miscarriage and if I get pregnant again (hopefully) then I don't think I'll take it next time.
My husband is away (typical) but I have a friend who can come and pick me up at least. I am signed off work for a week so I'll head to the supermarket in moment, buy a croissant and then maybe come home and have a full caffeine tea!
urgghhhhhhhh, so unfair for us all.
xxxxx

I'm so sorry to see you here @edidxb
That sounds awful, I'm glad you have a friend you can be with. Your poor DH too, it must be awful for him being away from you right now.
You sound like you're being so strong ❤️
Sending lots of love to you xxxx

We're "seeing how things go" this cycle then back to tracking properly next I think. Judging by EWCM, I think now is about right. Typical that I spent months tracking everything then the month I did fall pg, I recorded nothing, so I don't have much to really go on. We dtd Mon & yesterday, I think I'll pounce on DH tomorrow too.
We did try on Tuesday but poor DH put himself under so much pressure & it wouldn't work 🙈

Oh I am so so sorry to see you join us edidxb glad you've found your way here though. Certainly seems like going for the D&C option straight away is a good choice this time. Hope all goes smoothly for you xx

Ratherbe I hope you get lucky first time and we can all join you on the Antenatal board. What month would we all be due in if we were all lucky 1st time? I haven't worked that out actually.

So in A&E atm, DS tried drinking a a hot cup of tea and spilt it all over himself.... He's fine but was told to come in just in case. Anyway, I Dad is here with his newborn who is really sick. He asked me to hold his newborn for him whilst he cleared up the sick and I could have cried. DH saw how much pain I was in. Was such an odd sensation to be holding someone else's newborn whilst I've got a dead baby in me

Sorry to see you here @edidxb

Hope you can get op sorted quickly. x