TTC after miscarriage- March 2007

[duchesse]

Sorry, guys, can't leave a redirect at the old one- it's not accepting new messages. I hope nobody's already set a new one up...

myfirstposting HELLO! I hate PG/baby friend situations - I have realised that telling is better as otherwise you hate them for being insensitive and not sympathising or trying not to hurt your feelings. I am trying to be posoitive and hope this will make our friendship stronger (a long time in future . Friend with new baby wants me and PG friends over for lunch...just have a pic in my head of me downing bottles of rose in floods of tears or shouting like a wino to drown out the baby convo they will either be having or not having to save me from it (no win situ) - am thinking their babies will be around a long time so no rush to put myself in that situation (have to cope with not being in their gang though )

Hi Ladies,

I haven't had a chance to catch up on the posts yet,and am being entirely selfish in stepping straight in with my woes.

I am feeling a bit sheepish right now and highly emotional and would greatly appreciate some advice from those saner than me (ie you all!).

I have suspected for 6 weeks that a very good friend of mine is pg, but she just won't tell me (ok, i have to actually admit I haven't asked her- I am entirely crap at confrontations)but I have been probing a mutual friend who has made it obvious she knows but isn't allowed to say. It's been driving me mad (I've sat watching her rub her growing bump and I thought my heart was breaking ) so I've been avoiding her since. She tried to meet me in town but i couldn't face it- I wasn't sure if she'd carry on pretending nothing was happenning or break the news to me in the middle of a shop and I would have to run out in tears.

Anyway, I reached bursting point and just called the mutual friend, ranting, swearing and sobbing and demanding an answer which of course I got and haven't stopped crying since. All this providing great entertainment for work colleagues . I announced in a very dramatic way that neither of them was to contact me and hung up...I'm cringing as I write this.

I am sort of pleased for my friend but oh so angry and jealous too, and of course I'm angry about feeling left out of the loop even though i know they were trying to protect me.

Is it ok to ignore them for a couple of weeks to get my strength up or do you think I won't really be able to ignore it and it will drive me mad so I may as well contact the pg friend now whilst I am already emotionmal and incapable of work? (as soon as I've shed even a single tear I am incapacitated- I am so feeble!)

what do you think? I'm not even sure I know the question any more... I might have rambled the problem out!

popsy - yeah am losing the plot...have most certainly been naughty this month, like you, I felt a "proactive" approach was best way to stay positive
have been having cramps for DAYS now, am totally fed up and very intolerant of 16 year olds who haven't done their homework. Fortunately, I'm not in today as I work part-time.
I'm just so fed up of waiting. I've been having all these weird symptoms but tested on Sat and BFN.
I know it was Stupid to test but then the Stupid Irrational Voice in my head told me to do it...

torres boy are you having a crap day...
frankly, i don't think you'll be able to ignore it, if you let the atmosphere fester, it could get all blown out of proportion.
And if you patch it up, at least you can feel all virtuous and positive and have no bad vibes distracting your body from ttc??

(BB's dodgy attempt at pseudo-science)

brainybasil I am only telling you this to make you feel better (whisper: I have tested 5 times now - 2 crap sainzos tests that came up with a line hours later so not to be believed, 2 clear blue electronic BFN (don't trust computers) and 1 early response this morning (BFN)
Don't tell anyone - this is our little secret. A soon as AF comes I'll be able to quit this obsession and stop spending money on heart break

torres You are doing well as it is. I would write down how you feel (a letter), and then go over it again when you have calmed down and then again to make sure that they see is your hurt rather than their "haves" that are the problem. Then send/email it. Phone convos are too hard and I find I get upset and cry so easily they are not useful. I have a much better relationship with my PG friend after telling her howjealous I am of her- have not spoken on phone yet (i think we keep missing each other on purpose but still can feel we have tried?) huuuuuuuuuuuuuuge hugs

popsy you have made me feel better!

when we get our AFs, we will raise a virtual toast to eachother and get tiddly at opposite ends of this fine isle...

y

wise words basil and popsy- thank you so much. You are right, it will fester and I will spend every evening moaning to DH which will hardly set the mood for ttc. I've let it fester for 6 weeks hence the emotional outburst at work. I am soo sooo embarrassed- my boss obviously heard and came over and said he needed to do my appraisal, did i think i would be able to pull myself together for half an hour?

good idea to write it out and re-read it (was going to fire off email but feel i could say something awful that would be hard to take back- popsy- am with you on avoiding telephone calls- far far too hard and painful

sorry you pair are still waiting for AF. I'm hoping your grumpiness and cramps are a good sign- popsy you must be skint with all those tests!

thanks for being so kind!

Isn't it odd, how we can feel like we're coping fine, though a little numb (or I can, anyway) and we have all the relevant shields in place for seeing babies in the street, seeing pregnant women on the tube, watching adverts for baby wipes, etc, and something can sneak under the radar and make us bawl in the street.

Torres - Bizarrely, I've got a similar 'avoiding the phone' issue with a friend who had a miscarriage in December after IVF. As we've got a shared experience you'd think we'd want to talk about it, esp as we've known each other 20 years, but I'm finding I don't want to see her, as if in some way her experience throws mine into focus. I can't deny to myself it happened. Or something. As for your situation, no-one's expecting you to be rational and your usually no doubt all-forgiving self. I'm sure it can be easily sorted, and you'll feel so much better...

basil i will raise a gordons gin if you raise a wee dram
Torres - here is my email so you can see how i tried to do it (poor you r.e. appraisal but did make me chuckle bloody bosses eh?) and I am skint - going to have to scrap the plan for a madonna/angelina malawian baby at this rate

email:
I love getting your messages but I end up taunting myself with
images of big tummies and baby paraphernalia - I wish I hadn't got

pregnant at same time as you ladies cos then I could really enjoy your
time and not be feeling like this bugger LIFE IS SO
UNFAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was hoping that by telling you how I feel (insanely jealous) I won't
end up sobbing all over you at Annas Birthday yet not being able to be
honest about why?

I have asked my fellow miscarriage colleague and she said she too was
jealous of her pregnant best friend but that it was fine after some
time phew!!!!!!!!!!!!!I have a desperate stupid need to get pregnant
before I see you so I don't feel crushed by what I do not have? Of
course this is madness as I may not be able to and it puts a bit of
pressure on ttc for Mid May (rabits with thermometres spring to
mind) but I think I'll feel better if we are at least trying (he is
less keen at mo as business not doing well and he does not like to see
me ill and stressed (I would be much iller just to have a baby though)
Can I shout LIFE IS SO UNFAIR again? :-(

I am sure that you feel totally shit about this too and I am aware that
my miscarriage is ruining what should have been a lovely time for us as
friends (whether I was PG at same time or not) - I am really really
sorry about it

Hope you don't hate me - I just needed to tell you this rather than
bottle it all up? Hopefully I can stop obsessing and be more normal now
I know you know how I am feeling (inside) even if I sound fine on the
outside (:-)) Love you Xxxxxx P.s. please do send photos and tell me
about when things happen - is better to hear/see it all rather than
know is happening and imagine everything?
P.p.s. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH you will hate me I know it! Have spent
an hour doing the "shall I? shan't I?" send it thing

torres definitely think you should patch up. after my m/c, i couldn't make myself ring and talk to my bestfriend who is also pg. it was too heartbreaking for me and i find it very painful to ask how baby doing etc whilst wishing that i was still pg. i hate myself for being this way-so unlike me to be ungenerous. but it hurts bloody too much! unfortunately i've let situation with my b/friend deteriorated so badly that it might be beyond repair. don't make the same mistake.

popsy great email. wish i had the courage and sense of mind to do that...

thanks myfirst was just sitting here regretting sharing must learn not to dive straight in! Maybe you can send a letter to your friend too. Could take your time planning it - to be fair if the relationship is ruined then the letter won't matter but it may help her see how you have been feeling and help you find each other again? You will also feel a massive weight off your shoulders just having done something "good"

popsy- thank you for that email- I might just cut and paste . I totally agree with the bit about being kept informed- its far far more stressful to let our minds start imagining stuff and feeling left out, which is why i got so wound up with my friends. Also the bit about the mc spoiling a lovely time in your friendship really hit home.

I'm actually laughing about the appraisal. It's odd how even when you are really down you can often find some black humour. Anyway, my boss hasn't come back to do my appraisal. He has literally been tiptoeing around the office sneaking peeks in my direction. I am quite enjoying waving my tissue box and watching him look the other way!! very very sorry you can't afford a jaunt to malawi

herby- I agree totally with you. It can be the oddest and slightest thing that sets me off even if i have just dealt with much tougher stuff. Then of course RL friends tend to look really puzzled that something so minor produced such an emotional response and then give each other that 'oh dear, here she goes again' look which makes it much much worse in my opinion.

torres I agree - me and friend were having a lovley drink and she just said "it is okay to be sad" and I just burst into floods but couldn't explain just how that one little phrase encompassed so much about how i felt - as I often felt it was not okay to be sad and that I could only really do that at home cos if i was openly sad in RL days i would just be a snivelling mess and sectionned within minutes!LOVE the boss image - you could start using it as a get out clause for other difficult situations like having to be at work on time and not spending all day MNing ha ha (you could also put a box of tampax on your desk and start really howling if uit gets very bad)

myfirstbaby- hello! and sorry to hear how things have gone with your friend. I am extremely stubborn and can easily see myself cutting her out in my current self righteous mode as she's hurt me.. but have calmed down a little, and agree with your advice. She's still going to be pg and have a baby, she's still going to have fun and be friends with all my other friends and I am just going to end up exploding with anger and self pity. It does bloody hurt though doesn't it? and the thoughts of 'its so unfair' keep spinning round my head. I think an email (with much re-reading) is the way to go.

Are you sure its really too late with your friendship?

Incredibly trivial midst the drama but have posted a profile now if any of you are interested in my riveting life...

Going to find a cooking thread now in detirmined effort to stop thinking about ovaries....DH's birthday party this weekend and need some nibble inspiration

I'm in a slightly eccentric am dram group. Last October, auditions were going on for the Christmas show, and I didn't get a part. I really wasn't bothered, but everyone kept saying 'are you alright? Are you sure? Etc etc', until I burst into tears. They all thought it was because I was a primadonna who didn't get to sing a solo, but in fact it was because I'd just had last September's miscarriage, and was fragile. I had to find someone to explain to. All a bit embarrassing.

torres perhaps not too late... things hasn't been too rosy between us for awhile before my m/c. i rang her the next morning after m/c and bawled my eyes out on the phone. she was very sympathetic and then told me about all her friends back home that suffered the same fate and got pg again. strangely enough it made me feel worse. prob because ive been ttc for 8mths before hitting the jackpot and already almost 41. she and her friends are much younger than me. i suppose i feel pressure as time is not on my side. i lost my job 3 years ago and am now working from home. quite happy with what i'm doing but the big problem is that i don't get to go out much. so slim chance of making new friends. don't want to be a sad miserable witch in my old age so i guess i will try to make it up to her at some point.

Hi myfirst hmm maybe wait and think about what you want to get out of this friendship before you invest alot of emotion and energy into rekindling it. You could just send a letter to make yourself feel better but understand that the relationship may not have been the healthiest to begin with
Defo time to get yourself out there - if working from home is so important to do some hobby or something to interact and make lovley friends and they really are the support you need. I bet there is something you have done/always wanted to do that you could look into - then you can use the shit MC as a positive spring board into getting out and meeting people again (do you have a dh/dp?)
xxxxxx

herby- I love am dram! I'm very impressed, I would be more crap dram. Cringing reading your story, how utterly embarrassing for you. Do they really think you would be that upset by losing a part?? Last week my boss thought i was crying because I was working too slowly !!??

myfirstbaby- I've had comments about how people fall pg easily after mc. I swing between finding it positive and encouraging and badly wanting to believe it will apply to me, and then finding it just puts so much pressure on and no one can guarantee anything. Tough tough times for us. Working in an office might bring you into contact with more people, but if its anything like my office, I wouldn't say new friend potential has increased (oh I'm so picky!), so perhaps making up with friend is a good idea. Still, being an old witch could be fun!

basil- love the post- hummus homebirth dreams sound fab- although slightly scared by your placental abruption- sounds awful! love love your music colection,, I was so pleased when they re-released 500miles.. my DH (a Scots man at that) was not. He wouldn't let us have it at our wedding would you believe!

hello popsy yes, have a fabulous and very supportive dh. am very very lucky to have him. poor dh, he'd just left for a much awaited and planned for ice climbing trip in norway in the morning and i m/c in a walk-in surgery toilet in the evening. he'd just arrived and driven all the way to the base camp, about to sleep when i rang. drove all the way to airport again and flew back. he's sad about losing the baby but i think he's more sad for me IYKWIM? even though i love him to bits, it's nice to have girlfriends that you can natter with. i miss work colleagues and now could appreciate how going to work and have something else to focus could help. i just mope about at home in between doing bits of work. i do go into an office in london to do a bit of work occasionally. problem is there's only 4 of them in the office and they are all gay!!! there's only that much i can hear about their sex life!

i have thought about joining a club. tried book club once, was a disaster

Wow - you've been chatty! sorry I haven't posted for a couple of days. Had to work hard yesterday and today has been all about medical tests - more on that later. I'll try and catch up, just wanted you to know that I am here Hope everyone is doing well?

just a quickie as dashing off to yoga in an attempt to regain some sanity-- mrsmc glad you're back and hope the tests were ok. please do let us know

myfirst- so sorry to hear about your mc and the circumstances, how awful for you to be on your own but what a wonderful Dh to rush straight back. Did have to laugh about your colleagues though - your office sounds great!! far mre exciting than hear where evryone just moans about each other.

My dear Jules ? I?m glad you are feeling a bit calmer poor you, all a nightmare for you. Thought it might cheer you up to know that your body can start getting back to normal and ovulating again when your HCG levels drop below 40-50 so whilst I know you can?t make use of those eggies, at least your body can start returning to normal fertility in good time for you trying again You have been so brave, you don?t have to be with us! very chuffed at the epic post just for me

That?s lovely that you saved Ava?s poem next to Annabelle?s letter maybe we should collect all these things together and make a ?coping with the loss? pack for those who have suffered this? I know it has helped me to read the emotions that others have had as I have realized I am not odd but totally normal (or we are all barking! ) It does help to get the emotions out doesn?t it?

The BDing hasn?t happened quite as planned DH has been in a terrible mood since Tuesday. There was no BD that night or last night. We had a huge row and I slept in the spare room and cried for hours. Maybe I needed to. I realized that I am never going to be able to move on from this or feel better until I am pregnant again and then as if by some ironic twist, I got the results back from my blood clotting tests this afternoon and I am positive for thrombophilia so my hope that my loss of Ava was a horrible one off might not be as blood clotting issues can lead to recurrent miscarriages and stillbirths I am trying not to get too scared until I see a consultant but I don?t know when that will be, several months the GP said.

I?m not surprised your DP feels the way he does about sex, he must feel so awful for you that you have been through so much. I remember thinking that something had changed in my sister?s face after she had my nephew; it was like the experience changed the way she looked. I feel that has happened to me too, I feel I?ll never be the person I was before, you must feel that amplified. I?m sorry about all your stress over DP?s kids too ? that can?t help the situation for you. I hope it gets resolved soon (huge hugs) That was lovely what you said about your DP

Oh Basil at the image of you crying for us all, we?re all so much better for meeting each other on here though

Alittlebitshy ? so glad you got past the anniversary ok and I?m delighted to hear that the counseling is being so successful that?s great news. Don?t feel guilty about not posting much, we all need to live in real life too and sometimes being on here too much stops us from interacting with the people on the outside, I find anyway.

Hey Popsy ? sorry to hear that you were in a foul mood. I hope you are feeling much better now emotionally and physically. A weekend of chilling sounds like a plan. Re the tests, yes, I think the lines that form are called evaporation lines and they are not real so that?s why they tell you to disregard them.

Patkica ? I?m sorry that you don?t feel that way about DP, here to listen if you ever want to talk about it, I hope you are getting the support you need through all this, and I know that without my DH, I would have crumbled. Sending huge hugs. How did the trip to the homeopath go? Learn anything interesting?

Just going to come up for air and post this and then I?ll come back!

Torres ? glad AF arrived. Let?s hope it?s your last one for a long while! re supplements, I take B6 (for short luteal phase), Evening Primrose Oil (for hormones generally) and pregnacare pre-OV and Flaxseed Oil (for hormones generally but safer than EPO if pg) and pregnacare after OV.

Poor you with the friends situation ? we have been having similar recently being left out of annoucments because they might hurt uis but in fact, they just isolate you even more! My advise would be to wait a few days and if you feel like it, drop them a note in the post! You could even write the notes and not send them, just get it off your chest.

Alittlebitshy ? the blow out at the Hen was probably what you needed, granted that the hangover was not! Agree about a new thread, this one is so long now! What shall we call it? Sensible approach re AF, don?t think you need more hormones adding to the mix right now.

Jules I am the Mother Ship (well my egg is/was) so no chance of abduction by her but hopefully there?s a large risk of Mother Ship being shot down to nearest planet (ovary) by stormtrooper missles - excuse me, child of the 70s, Star Wars has a lot to answer for!

Popsy ? you are definalty on my wavelength (in a galaxy far, far away! ) Love the idea of emergency drinks that is so SITC, miss that so much! I have so few friends I can do that with these days! Know the song and totally agree with you about the lyrics ? just wish I could be fixed. What a strange coincidence Feedmenow. Popsy - Your obsession with peeing on sticks is one shared by us all and your secret is safe with us! I think your email was fab, it?ll totally clear the air. I am just not brave enough to voice that to my friends

Hello Wheely ? how big was your friend?

Hey MissNatalie ? wise decision. Sorry that the HPT is still showing positive It?s like a rite of passage getting a ?ive, its awful but so needed. I know that HCG has a half life of 36 hours so the levels could take a few weeks since the 1st ERPC but you should be there soon. I got a ?ive a couple of weeks after my MC (I was 10 weeks). You can start to OV again with less than 50mg in your system and as some tests can detect less than that, it might mean that you can still OV with a +ive HPT. Hope that all happens for you soon

Becklespeckledlittlebump so lovely to see you how are you feeling? Positive?

Oh my1stbaby it is so sad for us all when someone new has to join but I hope we can look after you and help you feel much better I?m so sorry for your loss, I really am. Your story is so like mine it?s spooky! We were trying for 8 months too and we lost our baby at 10 weeks. It is so hard to have pg friends, I think they find it harder than us though because of the guilt they feel for still being pg. Talk to us anytime

Basil ? that Scottish Hug better not be anything like a Glasgow Kiss for my1stbaby?s sake! joking aside, some of the best hugs I have ever had have been Scottish ones! Then again, apart from my Dad?s, most of the hugs I have ever had have been Scottish ones! I have heard before about the creamy stuff from the nipples, seems they take more time to get the message to stop production.

Hey Herby ? in a better position to talk blood clotting with you now hope you are ok hon.