Let's get this shaggathon on the road! We are breaking out the buzzy friends, lubeing up our fanjo's and prepping the men! Let's make a baby the old fashioned way! It's only f**king JS'ing 63!

[jellypi3]

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
   
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
   
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
   
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.
   
5. Thou shalt not be offended by the word vagina.
   

JSing lingo
~~~~~~~~~

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also known as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a Kitten = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit), or PIATLH (Tea light holder), PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage (Self explanatory)

ROC = Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Optional decorations include photographs of controversial political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Jizz in a bra = how we transport the jizz to the Sperm Queen

Shagging like something = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a hooya = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into TTC obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband (or Cuntraband) = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

SOTM = Shagger of the Month. Awarded with varying regularity to those viroids who go above and beyond EOD shagging in pursuit of that BFP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedingering!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

Doing a Lemon = Testing WAAAAAAAY to early!

Miroid - The male compadre of a viroid

Cat - Compulsory

Skittletits - Killer molten painful tits and nipples

Ghost jizz/goat jazz - When the amazing foof sucks up all the jizz - achieved when coming at the same time/nearly the same time.

The link to Part 62 is HERE

The current Grads Fred is HERE

The current Mumming Fred is HERE

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is HERE

The brilliantly pearl-clutchy Fred about 'how wooode' our Fred is darlings is HERE

Recent research PROVING WE ARE RIGHT is HERE

We are the dark side of MN... Welcome!

[cleanjean]

Jelly at least you have carpets! Hard wooden floors all round here :(

Think we need to ban the cat and the dog from the bedroom. They used to leave the room when we DTD but recently they just stay on the bed even when we tell them to get off. Its pretty off-putting having my dog staring at me over DH's shoulder in the heat of the moment! :P

Once when we were at at, my dog started licking my face, which started us laughing, which got him excited so he ran round and started humping DHs leg. Took a while for us to be able to start DTD again without laughing.

[JessKM]

jelly that's tickled me with the dog how bloody awkward! I deffo couldn't do it with them looking on, let alone joining hahahha.

As for wooden floors? I hope they're polished, or those are gunna be some nasty splinters!!! Do you use a rug or something?? You're gunna catch a cold down there

[JessKM]

I'm currently twiddling my thumbs waiting for husband to get in from work

[cleanjean]

Lol I'd put a blanket down if we were using the floor!

I can feel for ya Jess, also waiting around here and just ate loads of asparagus lol! Don't know if it really is an aphrodisiac, will find out later

[JessKM]

jean thank god!

Asparagus ehhhh? Never tried that one!

DH still not back older kids returned from dance class, that's that window gone think I might go do a passive aggressive food shop to distract me self

choo how are you today?

[cleanjean]

Jess how was the shopping?

I'm sitting in bed next to DH who is now watching Better Call Saul with the cat and dog cuddled up to him. I have 40 mins before he notices me again lol.

[Hobbit19]

Well, today I saw inside my own womble. Coolio! There is a pesky polyp in there that needs whipping out and then we need some womb lining recovery time. So I'm off the ttc train for a bit. Again! Wishing you all of the sperms and BFPs - go shaggers go!

[emwithme]

Hi all!

Name: Emwithme
Age: 40
DC: No. Two furry overlords (Erwin who is black and white, and Eugenie who is calico, rescue litter sibs who are nearly 2...cat tax in photos).
TTC: Cycle 2 post MC in March (got BFP the day before my 40th birthday on our second cycle), currently 3 dpo and trying not to symptom spot too much!

I think I'm going to fit in far better here than some of the other threads. I could possibly be a bit obsessive if I got my hands on OPKs (although I have always been able to tell when I ovulate) and honestly just want to enjoy shagging DH rather than it becoming a chore. Plus, I swear like a trooper and have no filter for TMI!

[jellypi3]

em no filter is perfect here. We are pretty filthy at times.

No shag today, I'm pretty sore from last night.

pud you will be back soon! Mwuah!

[JessKM]

Well jean we're not going to say it was a success. My 4 year decided asda was the perfect forum to air his issues about having to go back to school on Monday - I don't know whether he thought this holiday was a permanent thing and we had just cancelled the whole school thing??? He throws himself on the floor in the fruit ailse, I bend down to pick him up (and hiss in his ear that his next move should be very carefully thought out, should he want to live til Monday) - my handbag plops of my shoulder, I drop the melon thAt was in my hand, which promptly LANDS ON DS's head, in front of about 50 people. So clearly now I'm the mother who throws melons at her children when they're having a tantrum.
I'm now expecting a knock on the door from social services or the daily mail any second now - so have firmly instructed DH to put his pants back on.

Thanks for asking

[pretzelpieces]

Chuck and dicken! Sorry jess but I'm also laughing at your handbag "plopping" off your shoulder. Love it.

jelly got a yoga mat you could put down? Those jigsaw floor mat thingies? Or a rug?

We had the chance to dtd this evening (toddler asleep) and DP turned me down. Too late in my cycle to conceive but still a bit disappointed. We need to get back on the shagging wagon!

[pretzelpieces]

Also, welcome to the new viroids! Am I allowed to welcome, since I only rejoined this week? I am, anyway. Welcome!

Sorry to hear you'll have to wait a bit pud but glad you got some answers and seeing inside your own womble sounds pretty interesting.

[JessKM]

Jelly a yoga mat is inspired!! A bit warmer, wipe clean and sound proof!!! Incredibly thinking pretzel!!!

[emwithme]

jess cantaloupe, honeydew or water?

I am absolutely pissing myself laughing over the image of a small boy being unable to tantrum because he's got overripe melon bits oozing down his face...

[JessKM]

cantaloupe, Christ I'd be in handcuffs if it were water

Helped by DD repeatedly shouting mummy why did you do that? Why did you throw the melon at him? You never threw a melon at me mummy? So so many raised eye brows

My son's going to grow up with an overwhelming fear of melons insert own jokes here

[JessKM]

So far this evening DH has thrown two tomatoes, cheese and a shoe at me this evening in some form of hilarious retribution act

[cleanjean]

Jess really sorry for you but man that gave me a good laugh! Maybe he was just trying to make you feel better about not DTD and showing you what happens when you do? Hope he's okay after the melon incident!

If the social services come round you can just pelt them with fruit till they go away.

Look for the positives, he may never have a supermarket meltdown again after this!

[cleanjean]

Pretzel no yoga mat yet but I have been intending to take it up for the last year or so, so I should really get one... I do have a LOT of blankets I can put down. Or I could just stop hoovering and let the pet hair build up into a natural rug (ew, sorry! Lol). We have a guest over ATM (for over a month ) and I finally managed to clean under his bed yesterday, eurgh. It was like there was a whole new dog under there.

[JessKM]

I laughed but also threw up in my mouth a little with the rug

We managed to get it on nicely this morning and as an extra treat, it was in our own bed!! as post melon-hate DS is not speaking to me and so slept in his own bed! If I'd known that's all it took I would have pelted him with fruit years ago he announced he was going to work with daddy this morning...we'll see how that plays out hahahah

[Flashinthepan]

Ohhh Jess the melon story made me laugh out loud, at my desk. I had to stifle it as a weird cough.

POAS at 14 dpo and CD30, BFN. Longest cycle ever.

[JessKM]

I'm on another thread and having a disagreement with some stuck up mare and she's just used 'I bet you read take a break' as an insult....

WTFs wrong with take a break .
Honestly these people!!

I hope you're all having a very fertile afternoon

[Flashinthepan]

The bloody (literally) witch arrived this morning! So no fertility for me. Wine and pizza tonight though!

[cleanjean]

Flash sorry to hear that! Enjoy the wine and pizza!

Jess haha I haven't read Take A Break in years so no idea what she means by that!

I've been super healthy today, let's see how long it lasts.y friend mentioned that the queen would be having cake today and just hearing the word nearly had me running out to the bakery. Have put some banana in the freezer to make ice cream with instead...

[JessKM]

You know what goes really well with ice cream jean?
CAKE

[TriJo]

C's MMR rescheduled AGAIN, fever at nursery yesterday meant no jabs today. He's been having an afternoon of tantrums here as well and I'm about ready for some wine.

CD16 and I got a clear positive when I tried some cuntraband of the OPK kind. We had a Naptime Shag yesterday...