#makeithappen TTC through Donor IUI or Donor IVF or just undecided – all welcome!

[kwick]

This thread is for anyone trying to conceive... or thinking about doing so through donor IUI or donor IVF. Nothing TMI - feel free to join, we are a lovely group here to support and help keep the cray-cray away!
Here is the link to the previous thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2769549-TTC-through-Donor-IUI-or-Donor-IVF-or-just-undecided-all-welcome-makeithappen-loadsofBFPs
Here is the link to the thread before that: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2688511-TTC-through-Donor-IUI-or-Donor-IVF-or-just-undecided-all-welcome-makeithappen
Here is the link to the one before that one: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2587046-TTC-through-Donor-IUI-or-Donor-IVF-or-just-undecided-all-welcome
And the one before that!: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/1877198-Donor-IUI

cherry best of luck with IUI tomorrow. In terms of water drinking I think it will depend on your bladder - I mean it only takes a cup of tea to fill mine in about 5 minutes!!!

Kwick I'm so sorry you've had such a crappy day and that the dr was unhelpful too. Sending lots of hugs.

Cherry, best of luck for tomorrow! No idea on the whole 'how much water to drink' thing, as it depends on your bladder... I agree with Hoping though, they recommend 1 litre of water.

Did an "off the bat" ovulation test today (I haven't been tracking, but probably should start seeing as I plan to go ahead in six months time) because my period tracker app told me I was most fertile today and nearly got a positive. I never seem to get a positive on opks because I'm rubbish at doing them - so will be testing tomorrow to see what results I get

Hugs to you kwick, and please don't apologise for being on a downer! It's a horrid thing to go through and I'm so glad this thread exists so we can support each other. I hope you're as OK as can be.

Best of luck tomorrow cherry!

Can I ask the other folks with mental health issues, is this something the clinic delved into much? I've been filling out all the clinic paperwork, there's a 'welfare of the child: patient history form' that asks about mental health - I've been honest about my anxiety/ocd but it's making me feel a bit nervous, there's a bit for the clinic to fill out about whether they have concerns or refuse treatment, or are seeking further info.... it's freaking me out as it reminds me of when I got my mortgage and they tried to sell me some kind of payment protection, I disclosed my mental health stuff and they kept going backwards and forwards with my GP and then said I couldn't have it!

I'm nervous that could happen here and they'll refuse to treat me.... I mean, I wouldn't say my mental health issues are 'serious' but they have been worse in the past.

I disclosed a suicide attempt from my teens in that form and the clinic wrote to my gp asking them to agree i was mentally capable of having a child. I was a bit but it's just routine.
Getting the reply from my gp was a 2 month ordeal but they sent it an hour before I was due to start my first scan at the beginning of this cycle. The clinic were going t cancel the whole thing if it didn't arrive.

Thanks guys, I have a very strong bladder (teacher who gets to wee before and after school) so will just try a litre.

I second what Cherry says, Snork. Its just box ticking I think. I disclosed a relatively significant physical health problem to my clinic and they just required a letter from my GP stating that my medical condition was well managed and that my GP did not have any concerns about the condition affecting my ability to look after a child.

snork I had the same thing with mortgage protection thing they refused due to depression and self harm.....yet again lack
Of understanding with mental health & vicious cycle with then making u feel shot that can't even do normal activities

I disclosed about mental health and implications counsellor said I could get free extra sessions throughout my treatments to help me through but think cos last episode was 2014 they weren't too worried. I'm trying not to show how OCD I am with things but it crops up quite evidently along the way,once I have answers (to some ridiculous questions) it usually settles down.

I'm away on a course at the mo and everywhere has been so friggin hot overnight with big thick duvets-I'm used to 4.5tog. I hate being hot at night 😱

Good luck tomorrow cherry

My iui should be in 12weeks exactly 😁

*Shit not shot

It hadn't occurred to me that they could refuse treatment on MH grounds. Seems unfair in that anyone can theoretically go out and get pregnant without pre-vetting and yet we're preparing to spend a small fortune so hopefully that shows a certain level of commitment and forward planning.

If my bloody GP scuppers my chances of being a mother.

I haven't made my initial clinic appointment yet. I thought I'd get the GP appt on Wed out of the way first just in case the progesterone test is bad news. Then I really have to decide whether I'm biting the bullet and going for it.

Kwick sorry about the scan experience. How are you today?

Tygr I'm surprised the clinic you went to for the open evening didn't give you a price list with the rest of the bumpf - the two I went to were pretty up front about costs! If you ring or email you'll be able to get one before your appointment, but I found having it explained at the appointment was quite useful to me. However if you get one we can probably help you decipher it. I actually don't know what my spend was finally, haven't added it up.

When I saw that section on the form about mental health etc I have to say my reaction was "none of your bloody business"! Exactly because no one getting a pregnant with a male partner is checked up on, and finding a partner in the first place is no filter for issues. I didn't declare anything, although there is no paper trail of anything for me because I've never asked for help from a GP, I just took myself off to a therapist and paid because I was fortunate enough to able to afford it (and desperate enough to prioritise it over everything else!). I think if you don't declare anything then they don't check (I don't remember them checking with my GP at least - what does it say they will do?) and personally I'd have no qualms about omitting information because the question is unreasonable in the first place.

Mortgage protection insurance is a bit different because they are always going to be reluctant to insure a condition which might well recur and can't be physically verified - it would be the same if you put down a history of back pain or something like that. If you do want income protection insurance (which I've got precisely because I am single and no one else will pay my mortgage and other living expenses if something happens) then don't get it from your mortgage lender. You'll get a better deal going to a broker who can probably also recommend a provider who will either insure previously suffered conditions at a higher premium or find you a policy that will cover you for everything apart from those conditions. I used Lifesearch who were really helpful.

Good luck today Cherry!

Fingers crossed for the next few days Karen.

The best of luck, Cherry !

Karen , you've mentioned that one of the things you are looking for in a donor is CMV negativ. I've had a look at my possible donors and I cannot see their status (I use a sperm bank created by my clinic). ON the website, it's written that they are screened for it, but I can't access the info about the result. I find it improbable that those with CMV would be automatically excluded, since it's rather common and other sperm banks (like Cryos) offer donors with CMV positive.
Shoes , did your clinic provided this info? Or you didn't care? The thing is, that my blood test showed that I've never had CMV, so negative with no antibodies, which is kind of scary (yes, I did Google CMV during pregnancy ), so I'm more confused than ever. Actually, there was a note in my blood test, next to the CMV result, that in case of pregnancy a follow-up is needed.
I really don't know what to make of this. Should I just let it be and find something else to obsess over or really should I look for a donor that is officially CMV free? I'll have an appointment with my OBGYN in April, so I'll check with her, but in the meantime I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. Thanks a million!

Hi Paisley, I'm in the same situation, not a single trace of a past CMV infection. I did a lot of research on this and decided to go ahead with a cmv+ donor as the risks are so low. You would need the donor to have some active strain of the virus, catch that virus, pass it onto the foetus (30% chance) and even after that it's only a small % that could result in any congenital defect at birth.
The way I thought about it is that if I have never contracted the virus while certainly being exposed to it in many occasions (I grew up in the countryside within a large family and travelled round the world), then it's very likely I've developed my own immunity for CMV. None of the doctors I spoke to had any issue with me using a cmv+ donor.
Also, in real life, your partner wouldn't have been screened for it...

This said, everyone has their own attitude towards risk so this is only my personal take on this topic...

Paisley - my clinic don't offer information on CMV status, but both Cryos and ESB will send you a list of CMV- donors (narrows it down to around 10 contactable donors!) if you email them to ask. This is because in Denmark they take a much more relaxed view on the CMV issue.

It would only be if the virus was actually active at the point the donor donated that it might cause a problem and that shouldn't be the case because of the health checks in place. Then I gather the sperm being frozen then washed removes or at least lessens the risk of infection.

In the end I decided not to worry about CMV. You can catch it from the saliva/snot etc. of someone who has it. The main carriers of active CMV virus are toddlers and young children! It seemed daft for me to go to great lengths (and more expense than using my clinic's donors) to have a CMV- donor when all of my friends have young children who I couldn't spend 9 months avoiding.

Obviously CMV is serious in pregnancy and that shouldn't be belittled, but I do find myself wondering why we worry about it when a normal couple starting TTC wouldn't even think to get the bloke tested.

I also wonder whether some of us just aren't susceptible to catching CMV given that the vast majority of the population are positive and we must be constantly coming into contact with the virus yet we haven't picked it up.

Its interesting though that so many of us on this thread are CMV- ...

Pez , Shoes - Thank you so much for your insight!
I have similar views on it, that if I got my child "the usual way", I would probably never be screened for it (or the father of the child). Plus I've been in contact with babies and toddlers since ever - babysitting, au-pair, overly active aunt of 2.

I just need to, among other things, stop looking for a every single detail and obsess over it and just stay relaxed, while keeping tabs on my cycle and wait for May.
I have to say, ladies, that your company is very inspiring and it really does help me an enormous amount.

paisley it was really just a way to narrow down the list. I could go with a positive if there were no negatives. But like someone else mentioned, when I first started looking it felt like on line dating. I just wanted a few choices, otherwise I felt overwhelmed. This isn't my life partner, just some genetic material. Like everyone else said, the risk is very low. And you are right, in a normal situation partners don't get screened prior to attempting to have a child.

Jesus cherry that must have been so stressful - hope today runs much smoother.

As you will be going into 2ww - see below for my "patent pending" tips

witch I think it might be a duvet day today... currently watching a documentary on OJ Simpson - slept through first 3 hours on and off and now fully awake for trial bit.
I tried to sort pending work issue but have to get lawyers to check over. It is like the neverending story.

Just to add to CMV discussion: my FC, CRGH, only allow CMV negative donors - made it very hard for me to get a donor with physical profile I wanted.

Thanks all, I think I'm just feeling paranoid cus of having just referred myself for more cbt. But that shows I take managing my mental health seriously!

I totally get why they ask but it does feel a but it does feel a bit strange all the things we have to do because of doing it this way. I'm struck by the irony that I could have had a child with my ex, when I was MUCH iller with my mental health (also with his alcohol/mental health issues), no questions asked!

Speaking of irony, finding the Durex advert placement at the bottom of this thread highly amusing :D

Kwick - enjoy your duvet day, snuggle up with lots of tea

My opinion- it's none of their business if you have had previous mental illness. You are paying for a service. They don't make couples go through this, or single moms that have gotten pregnant by accident. I've had dark times in my life but consider myself a very stable person. Everyone goes through things. I don't know how they can even ask those sorts of questions.

I have heard back from CRGH - apparently HEFA do not require cmv negative donors for cmv negative patients and the US bank I used before (Xytex) is still open for use.
I am going to take a look at what magic potion they have.
I know I spoke about changing to IVI in Spain but not sure I can handle all that that will entail...

God not sure how it got to 3pm...

Yeh my clinic said that hfea no longer specify cmv tests/what you should use

Well that proves that the risk is really low so it's good news 😊

By the way snork the ad on my screen is for Fairy detergent so you and I clearly don't share the same browsing history 😉 (maybe they're suggesting getting a child is synonym of non stop laundry!)

Ha ha ha must just be me then Pez! My phone's word predictions have gone a bit mad since I started this whole process too, very nearly sent someone a text with the word 'sperm' innapropriately out of context the other day!

Yeh I had an advert for lovehoney website last night eeek!!!
Today it's how to get your baby to sleep and Harvey jones kitchen ....random advertising

Mine is footasylum haha. I was on there last night looking at shoes!!

I was wondering if anybody could help me make head or tails of my opks...
I took one last night randomly because my period tracker app told me I was fertile and I decided now is about right for me to start tracking my LH surge; and I got two lines, but not a positive.
I got two lines at 11am, and 2pm - again, neither positive - but I've just taken another one and it's clearly negative - no line at all! Have I missed it within four hours? I'm so confused

karen I've got mixed feelings about it I think, my issues are 'current' in that I know I'll always have anxiety and ocd, but I still consider myself pretty stable as I'm able to manage them, but I do sometimes need extra support to do that... For that reason I usually do disclose (to work etc) as it means I'm able to ask for extra help when I need it. So I don't mind, I feel more comfortable being up front about it so that I can talk about it with the counsellor etc if I want to.

It's more that it makes me nervous that they might ask my GP as they obviously only have a limited picture (especially as some of the previous times I've seen them would have been at lower points!), but I'm sure they (hopefully!) wouldn't caution against treatment unless they had very good reason to. Like you say, everyone goes through stuff. If mental health issues excluded people from having children the population would be seriously under threat!!