#makeithappen TTC through Donor IUI or Donor IVF or just undecided – all welcome!

[kwick]

This thread is for anyone trying to conceive... or thinking about doing so through donor IUI or donor IVF. Nothing TMI - feel free to join, we are a lovely group here to support and help keep the cray-cray away!
Here is the link to the previous thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2769549-TTC-through-Donor-IUI-or-Donor-IVF-or-just-undecided-all-welcome-makeithappen-loadsofBFPs
Here is the link to the thread before that: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2688511-TTC-through-Donor-IUI-or-Donor-IVF-or-just-undecided-all-welcome-makeithappen
Here is the link to the one before that one: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2587046-TTC-through-Donor-IUI-or-Donor-IVF-or-just-undecided-all-welcome
And the one before that!: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/1877198-Donor-IUI

And sorry witch I spelled your name wrong earlier!

shoes, my brain's not working today! I'm working from home and thought today was Saturday!! Sorry

No worries Pez, I kind of like that you can read it either way!

I had the one night stand suggestions too. Bizarre, isn't it, I suppose people just don't think through the implications, or genuinely think it wouldn't matter. I suppose lots of people do get pregnant that way and the world doesn't end, but it wasn't for me!

The oddest responses I've had were that I "could spend all that money on holidays instead" and "didn't you think about adoption" (having just told her I had already frozen embryos). I think the adoption one annoyed me because if anyone in a couple told you they were pregnant your first response would NEVER be "didn't you think about adoption". It came from someone with a one year old that she really struggled to conceive, so not like she didn't want to carry a baby and give birth herself!

I know, just the financial sacrificeeffort alone demonstrates how responsible and serious we are about this process. One night stands are free but I could never raise a child conceived this way (unless it was a genuine accident but I've always been careful in these situations!)

I personally believe that I'll meet someone later once the pressure of having a family is gone. There will be plenty yummy single/divorced parents picking their children up from school or swimming classes

shoes - I know. Some of the usernames are slightly indicative of what the men are looking for. I do wonder at the motivation of the people who donate on there. I can see the attraction from women and couple's points of view but the risks are high - not only STIs but legally it could open up all sorts of cans of worms.

The age I'm at now, even if I meet someone today then I don't think the relationship would survive the time pressures of needing to start thinking of ttc immediately. That's why I'm starting this journey now and not 5 years ago. I just hoped I'd meet the right person but haven't.

I'm in mid Wales snork so my closest clinics are in South Wales.

Did anyone else go through anxiety before embarking on this process? I struggle with anxiety anyway but I woke up worrying about it this morning. I seem to be shuttling between elation that this is the right decision and terror that it isn't.

tygr absolutely. I worry about it a lot. I think that's totally normal when considering to have children, no matter what situation you are in.

Welcome witch. Thank you for your kind words.

I did actually think about adoption, and after I had the appointment where the doctor suggested IVF I sent away for a pack from the local authority. I want to try this first, but if it doesn't work I know I have options, and options that are open to me for a lot longer than fertility treatment is...

The only person who has made a point of talking about adoption with me is someone who has just finalised her own adoption as a single parent and wanted to make sure I knew it was possible. I have never seen a GP about this, and only a few people know that I'm going ahead - I'll break the news further afield if and when! I have been amazingly lucky with the responses I've received, everyone has been so supportive and encouraging (although my Dad is a bit baffled).

tygr This time last year I was being treated for moderate depression and I get very anxious about some of the big decisions. I do find that once I have made a decision and accepted it I feel a lot lighter and it all feels right. I spent a few days after being told to try IVF wondering about the ethics of this and was right back where I had been last year. Now I've made the decision lots of those panics have lifted, but I have no doubt they'll be back!

Tygr - I struggle with anxiety too, I spent the first few hours of 2017 lying awake questioning myself and coming up with a hundred and one 'what if' questions! But as karen says, I think that's quite normal for anyone deciding to have a child. But I know anxiety can really exacerbate those feelings, I struggle with uncertainty, and it's such a massive leap into the unknown! Feel free to DM me anytime :)

I've started a blog here: solomama.co.uk/blog/ if anyone is interested! Tygr, my last post was specifically about anxiety!

Stupid newbie question - how do you tag people in a post? Or are you all just making names bold? Sorry!!

Thanks snork. I've just read your last two blog posts. Excellent stuff.

I'm currently researching clinics. Wondering whether to book in for open evenings at more than one. It's about a 90 minute drive down so not round the corner but worth finding the right one.

Put a * either side of their name x

Will try and catch up with posts later, not feeling great so will post properly. Happy Friday everyone x

pez i know exactly what you mean about it taking the pressure off meeting someone. I feel completely different about it since making this decision. Part of my decision making process came about through realising that the only reason I was forcing myself to 'date' is because I want a baby, not cus I want a partner! Which didn't seem a healthy basis to be seeking/starting a relationship.

Thanks pickle (look at me go!) X

I turn away for half a day people and my oh my 2 additional pages to read!

Hola witch, welcome!

Re the audacious questions I've had about doing this solo, they came from my mum and she thinks I'm mental having kids, but has actually been incredibly supportive despite the fact she thinks I'm crazy! Everyone else has just said, well done, you'll be awesome and bloody hell aren't you brave!

Yes, we are all brave, and tenacious, and awesome. But isn't every mother?!

snork I love the look of your blog. I also felt so much better when I stopped feeling that I should be dating and decided I just wanted to go ahead alone. I have two books about solo parenting - Choosing Single Motherhood and another that I must check when I get home. I'll investigate that one too!

snork pez yes that's exactly what I think about meeting partner now / in future - perhaps I didn't get that across in earlier post well.

I also had anxiety when I decided to book on open day as it became
Real. Even though I have been thinking about it for four years all of a sudden I had a panic of all the what ifs - especially if the child would hate me for denying them a father. My mate was great and said I could n't that or any of the other what ifs and more importantly I can't plan for everything ( she added that my child could hate me lots of other reasons - no green hair, no weekend trip to X, school I send them to, Internet usage. I should add she didn't trivialise not having a dad but thought I would be good mum and I had thought of male role models in the child's life and plenty other family split up/ don't have father around) I felt a lot better accepting I can't control the outcome of future.

I also agree to comments said to single woman versus married woman re having a child.

Not sure if I mentioned this before but when I started looking into this seriously about two years ago I liked groups on Facebook about single mum, sperm donation, free sperm donation and private sperm donation ( I was shocked by costs but quickly decided against random man giving me sperm - especially as most said explicitly they would only do it through sex not giving you a cup of it) so anyway then I found out all my Facebook contacts got updates when I was liking these groups!

How did I find out? I nervously broached subject to mum about wanting to try and she mentioned my nan had mentioned it to her after my aunt had seen my updates and mentioned it. Luckily family were so supportive but I was so embarrassed at the time that basically everyone I know were alerted to what I was thinking - not how I was planning on telling people lol X

Realised one has an open day tomorrow (one to one rather than seminar) but unsurprisingly all the appointments are already booked. I have a telephone call booked in with them for next week instead though.

There are another two clinics that have open days in Feb so I'll book in for both probably as actually going down to get a feel will help me I think.

Sorry to be posting so much. It's helping to have a virtual handhold. I haven't told anyone IRL yet that I'm contemplating this.

Snork, I suffer with mental health problems too. I have Bipolar Disorder, so my whole teenage years were up and down; a total rollercoaster ride. I'm nearly 26 now, and feel so much better and have been "episode" free for a good few years; hence deciding I'm ready for this now. I do worry about how I'd cope without my meds sometimes but I'm barely on any at the moment so I know I'll be fine.
If you ever need anyone to talk to, I'm here :)

Re one night stands - I also got told to just go out and have one - by my dad! He's really supportive now but wasn't to begin with. It's crazy how people suggest it though, eh?

I too get anxious in thinking about whether this is the right decision or not... But we all have gut feelings don't we, and who are we to contest our guts?!

Great strategy pez maybe you could launch a dating app for this target market
I have been asked about adopting too... one of my cousins has adopted after years of TTC - am I am sure I might consider it if this process fails but I want to have the experience if carrying a child.

I worry more tygr that it will not work. I so desperately want to be a mummy.

pickle get well soon darling

hoping and that is why I do not like FB!!!

Am absolutely shattered!!! What a day! What a week! On my way home - I am planning a hot soup and jimjams and some TV and then bed!!!!

Hi all - just checking back in to new thread

Stats:

DP and I are doing this together (both women); DP is actually having the treatment (I had cancer in 2014; am now infertile).
I am 31; DP is 33. We are having unmedicated IUI with Create Fertility.

Cycles 1 & 2: BFN
Cycle 3: BFP but ectopic; lost at 7 weeks
Cycle 4: BFN
Cycle 5: currently in 2ww; will know this time next week whether or not it worked.

If this is a BFN, we will have 1 cycle of medicated IUI, then move on to IVF. Hoping it doesn't come to that.

Fingers crossed for you Miri! Hopefully 5th time lucky :)

tygr and latenight thanks for your kind words about my blog! I've been a bit scared to share with people, it's so nice to find some other people in a similar boat though, I never would have believed how many people there are going it alone when I first started thinking about it. Seems like most people I mention it to know of someone else who's done it or is thinking about it.

Kwik you just EXACTLY destined my evening, pajamas, soup, TV, bed! My idea of a perfect Friday night tbh. Have a lovely restful eve.

X

caution thank you, like wise if you ever need a chat or an offload! My problems started in my teenage years too, it's a hard time :-/ I've been pretty stable for a few years now too, but I feel like it's always going to be some thing I have to 'manage' to keep myself in good nick mental health wise. I've got so much better at self care these days. I think my biggest worry is how lack of sleep could affect me, but it's just something I'm going to have to be aware of and manage as best I can.