TTC after miscarriage - new thread

[InsufficientlyCaffeinated]

I just spotted that the old thread was now closed to new messages so thought I'd start another. The old thread for reference: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2457787-TTC-1-after-miscarriage-looking-for-some-buddies

Right now I am just not coping well. I know it is all good intentions on his part and that it comes from his need to be able to do something to change things for this time. But I was caffeine and alcohol free last time, taking vitamins, fit and healthy and resting as much as I could. I did nothing wrong and it happened anyway. He has absolutely no idea how stressful I am finding it, no matter how much I tell him and is just getting frustrated that I don't want to 'try harder' this time. I feel bad for him as he was affected by the miscarriage too and he has no control over how things go this time. That must be hard. But he is talking about going on a weeks course next month. He has that luxury. He can eat and drink what he wants and go where he wants. The only thing he 'has' to do is have sex with me at the right time. So he doesn't have it that hard.

I suspect I would be a lot calmer if it wasn't for the death of my friend but that has been hard. I had to psych myself up to go and visit her in the hospital and hospice as it was really horrible seeing her agitated and in pain and disabled and dying. I couldn't sleep the night before each trip and now she is gone and it is better for her but horrible for us. I realised today that DH hasn't actually asked how I feel about this. I know I have been through several similar scenarios over the last few years, including losing my Dad, BIL and sister (not at the same time) and he has lost a friend too, so by now I should be able to cope with it but I am just not. And I am far too mad at him to say I am not.

That does sound incredibly difficult to deal with Brenna. I can understand wanting to be extra cautious but you have to have some semblance of a life too. I did all the right things and still miscarried and my one regret is that I didn't allow myself enjoy the short time that I was pregnant more because I was too anxious the whole time. The worst happened anyway and none of the worrying and trying to be careful made any bit of difference.

Is there anyway you can channel your DH's need to take control and do something in a more positive direction? Perhaps if you did tell him you're not coping it would help? My DP is trying to keep me focused on everyday normal things but it's not always what I want, sometimes I want to grieve and let myself feel the pain but I have to tell him otherwise I'll just get increasingly angry at his attempts to cheer me up or get me to do something.

Brenna that sounds really tough. I'm wondering if your husband has any real idea of how his behaviour is making you feel? It sounds like you've tried to talk logically to him about the biology of it and why your hobbies and interests, along with the odd glass of wine, would be safe until around the 5 week stage (when you'd know and be able to choose to stop then to avoid risks if you wanted), but that he doesn't seem to have taken it on board. Have you pointed out to him that there's a disconnect between being a scientist and not applying those skills to getting pregnant? Wondering is the disconnect is due to all the emotions that go with getting pregnant, and most of us are less able to be logical when our emotions run high, men are less good than women sometimes at expressing themselves, don't know how your DH has been? I know I enjoy being active and would find it hard to completely give up that for TTC, I have stopped running (like you, to appease my DH, although I've kept other activities going) but plenty women continue to run during pregnancy - one woman I know ran a marathon in the early stages and had a healthy child at the end of her pregnancy.There's no way I could stop driving, and no evidence I know of that it's bad during pregnancy. Bonxie has a good point that the stress of doing without what you enjoy would probably be worse than doing what you need to do for a decent quality of life.

I'm on CD28, hopefully coming to the end of TWW now and will know soon either way. This weekend I've still been enjoying walking in the snow, a glass of wine on Fri and another one last night, and a big bowl of mussels for lunch today. If I knew I was pregnant I wouldn't have done those things, but I'm happy that the risk was low and I'm not willing to put my life on hold for an indefinite number of months "just in case", not least because I'd be concerned that carrying pain, frustration and (worst case scenario) resentment from a possibly lengthy TTC journey with life on hold could affect the emotional state I'd be in for bonding with my child, and I want to be able to be free to love them unconditionally (when I'm lucky enough to meet them) without any grudges or resentments.

Thank you Bonxie, Elderberries IC and Lucky. It is nice to know I am not being unreasonable or stupid. I have pointed out to him the stress is going to be far worse. Hopefully he takes things on board.

I am still only spotting a tiny bit of red about 3 times a day and no AF. This is nothing like a normal AF for me and she still isn't due until between next thursday and saturday. My nipples are sore too. I had some horrible cramps this afternoon and evening though. Although around my ovaries rather than around my vagina. Not my normal place. Plus around my back but that is quite normal.

Will keep you all posted with updates about spotting and DrivingGate. This week could be quite lively.

DDog is making full use of the extra space in the bed he thinks that we should continue the status quo.

Brenna could it be implantation? Hopefully AF doesn't arrive full force!

Can't believe how normal I'm feeling already. I'm sure I'll have my moments over the next few weeks/months but am really grateful to be feeling back to my old self. I started having spotting on Saturday and pregnancy tests are getting fainter so I'll just keep an eye on those and I'm hoping things are back to normal by the end of the week. I have been wearing pads for the past 6 weeks and am so over it!! And most excitingly, I want to have sex again, which is great. I was worried it was going to take a few weeks (and wasn't going to force it if I didn't want to) but last night we both really wanted to but didn't do anything because of the spotting. We're going to give it a go next weekend as long as I'm not bleeding or spotting anymore. That'll be almost 2 weeks post ERPC so hoping things are okay and we'll just go very slowly. Can't wait to resume normal service, it's been almost 10 weeks since we've had sex!

Totally agree with IC, I too did all the "right things" but still miscarried. I actually found that quite hard to deal with in that others seemingly not trying or sacrificing any of the things I was, were somehow able to stay pregnant.

I'm trying to take a more relaxed approach this month, going to the gym, seeing friends etc although still taking the vitamins and not drinking and trying desperately to give up my full fat coke addiction which crept back in after mc.

Hopefully it's just the nerves/need to feel in control of something for your DH Brenna.

It could either be implantation or nerves that is causing the spotting. 13 dpo. AF due 15 dpo. Still spotting. No temperature drop. symptoms could be either AF or pregnancy. No idea really. Negative test again this morning.

DH starting to thaw. I think tonight I have a chance of getting a proper talk and some form of compromise.

Glad things are getting better Elderberries.

Good luck talking to your DH, Brenna

I'll be day 30/11dpo tomorrow morning and just been debating with my DH whether that's too early to test (he says it is, logically I agree, tempted though!) I got my highest ever temp this morning, have creamy CM still, I'm still feeling good (my mood dips reliably pre-AF), my boobs are still inflated (they deflate reliably for AF) .. so it still seems possible I have a chance this month. On the other hand, no sore nipples (I had sore nipples when I was pregnant), and a few low level cramps with some backache earlier driving home (which I'd get in the lead up to AF usually). So the jury is out. At this stage I just want to know either way. Do you ladies wait to test or cave?

Last time I tested but I think next time around I might wait a bit longer because I think I'll find a negative extra disappointing. Saying that, I am VERY weak willed so that might go out the window if I suspect I might get a BFP. Raised temps look positive and last time my only real 'symptom' was a lack of my normal AF symptoms, especially my normal pre-AF mood dip so fingers crossed for you!

Have awful nausea at the moment, like early pregnancy level nausea. I'm assuming this is my body dealing with the rapidly lowering HCG levels which just feels cruel to deal with it in the same way as when it is rising!

Everything crossed brenna and lucky!

Just pottering on here, waiting for AF (not started trying again yet,) and feeling much more positive.

Trying to eat more protein and I've started taking co-enzyme q10 alongside my preconception vitamin, some extra vitamin c, dha, spatone, probiotic... Possibly too much faffing but at least I feel I'm doing something. Have also ordered the it starts with the egg book. (Am nearly 40)

Insufficiently I had that nausea too - it seems really cruel, doesn't it?

It really is Bonxie! Grapes and ginger cordial got me through pregnancy cordial but somehow it feels wrong to have them now. At least this time it should decrease in intensity rather than increase

I know what you mean with needing to feel like you're doing something.

Got me through pregnancy nausea not cordial. Brain fog! Probably because I'm supposed to be working and definitely not loitering here! Must regain work ethic!

Have whatever it takes insufficiently, if you feel sick, you feel sick.

AF is here - hurray! Day 1

Glad AF is here Bronxie

I hope the nausea fades IC

DH and I did talk last night. He has backed down and is behaving more sensibly. He reckons I should just ignore him if he is being a twonk. CD 14. No spotting since first thing yesterday morning. Some cramps but nothing major. AF due between tomorrow and Friday. I don't think I am pregnant this month but can't say definitively I am not either. Time will tell. Off out to another friend's for pizza tonight. Arranged by DH. I hope he is not stupid enough to mention that pizza is not the healthiest thing to eat after he arranged it. If he does I shall eat all of his as well as mine even though I don't like pizza that much.

Thanks Bonxie and insufficiently. My temperature went up again this morning, prob still too early to test though. Will know soon enough I suppose! Brenna when are you testing next? Enjoy the pizza, and glad that it sounds like you and DH had a good talk and he's taken your feelings on board.

Hi all,
Just signed up to this site so im very confused how to use this lol.
Anyway, im 21 years old, and my fiancee proposed to me on NYE, which caught me off guard and i obviously said yes! Thought that was the happiest moment of my life and didnt think 2016 could get any better until i found out last monday that i was pregnant! We were over the moon, started the ball rolling with doctors and work etc, anyway- whilst at work last thursday i had like period cramps, and light bleeding, 111 said to contact my doctors in the morning (the other choice was a&e and noone wants that!) so in the morning i saw i filled a pad (tmi i know sorry) so went to the doctors. They sent me to the Early Pregnancy unit where they took a blood test and did a pregnancy test. Unfortunatley both came back negative, so she examined me but couldnt see my cervix. The doctor said to go back 48 hours later for another blood test to see if my hgc levels were dropping, which they were which obviously ment i had lost our first baby at 5 weeks. We were both distraught. But we both said we will try again as soon as the bleeding stops.
Well today, my bleeding stopped and we are now trying again.
I just wanted to know if its true that you are more fertile after a miscarraige and when would be best to do a pregnancy test as i have no idea when my period should be?
Thanks in advance

Hi Lucky. I will probably test on Thursday morning. I'll see how my temps look in the morning. They had dropped a bit this morning.

Hi Gia. Sorry to hear about your loss. I don't think there is any conclusive proof that your are more fertile, but it shouldn't have dropped either. It depends on how well your body recovers how quickly your cycle recovers. I had 5 days of bleeding then went straight back into a normal cycle so my next period was only 5 days later than usual. My niece is still waiting for one after 2 months. You could look into taking your basal body temperature (BBT) each morning and charting that. That can tell you quite a lot about your cycle. There are two popular apps for tracking your fertility, Ovia and Fertility Friend. Both allow you to input BBT as well as other symptoms and track throughout the month. You could also get some ovulation predictor kits (OPKs) to see if/when you ovulate. That will tell you a lot about whether your cycle is back and when you could test. You can test from about 14 days after ovulation. Some people get a positive test earlier than that, some need a bit more time but for most people you should be able to see by then. The results from thos can go in the apps too.

Brenna so glad you had a good chat to your DH and things have calmed down!

Lucky have you tested yet?! The temp jump and creamy CM sound like great signs!!

Bonxie is this your first period post-MC? Glad you're happy about a new cycle

As for me, I had a whisper of a second line still last night, fainter than Sunday's test (side by side it was obvious) so am testing tomorrow morning hoping that I'll finally get a BFN. I'm 9 days post surgery and after having a bit of bleeding over the weekend, I'm now just having a tiny bit of very light brown CM. Which means I'm pretty sure DH and I are going to try and have sex this weekend. Possibly Friday night because I'm not sure how much longer I can wait!

elderberries sounds like your body and mind are starting to heal, hope you and DH have a lovely weekend when it comes!

I've started spotting today which I suspect means AF will turn up perfectly on time tomorrow. Would love to be wrong though! If I'm wrong will definitely be testing.

Brenna good luck testing tomorrow!

Thinking of Brenna & Lucky today.

Im now cd12 but have had a horrendous sickness bug this week and been off work.

I have 30-31 days cycles so don't usually ovulate until around day 16 (based on the 14 days rule and discharge nothing more scientific) but tmi... I'm having thick, stringy clear discharge today. Could the virus have sped things up?

I'll be devastated if I've missed my chance this month because of this virus.

fed up thanks for the kind thoughts. I had a temp dip this morning, did test as only a small amount of spotting then but BFN. This afternoon I got my pre-AF mood dip and AF is gearing up now I think as getting unmistakable strong cramps. Not too disappointed as we were lucky enough to get pregnant straight off the pill, so prob not a bad thing for me to have had these two cycles after my miscarriage to let my hormones all settle down and my body recover before my (hopefully anyway!) second pregnancy soon. At least I know from my tracking that my cycle is regular and that I'm ovulating at roughly the right point in my cycle.

Cd12 sounds very early for ovulation on your cycle length, but maybe it could be the start of your fertile window? Are you recovering enough to face dtd over the next week do you think? If so hopefully you could still be in with a chance!

Brenna did you test today?

That's a shame Lucky but it certainly took me a few cycles to feel really normal again after mc. Fingers crossed for next month.

Yes I agree, feels far to early but perhaps you're right and it's just the start of the window. I wanted to dtd last night but DH has had a rough week and went to bed early.

I hate feeling like I need to make him have sex, I desperately don't want to lose the spontaneity but due to our working hours we can easily (sadly) go a week without dtd and if I don't say "it's time" we will likely miss it.

I need to remember this is only cycle 2, but 23rd Feb was the date of my scan where we saw baby with no heartbeat and I'd love to have something positive to think about on that date.

Hi everyone, big wave! Recognising lots of names.

I'm so glad I found you. I'm relatively new to mums net and when the last thread filled up I wasn't sure where to look (kept looking in antenatal). Then I thought you might have ditched me as I spoke about the miscarriage when it happened and in hindsight I wanted to apologise. This thread is about moving forward (but not forgetting ofcourse) and I had posted my initial feelings thoughts emotions about the trauma I was going through.

It has been 2.5 weeks since I had medical management to miscarry at 12 weeks. The bleeding has stopped but I'm getting a discharge which is a little red. Did anyone else experience this? Desperate for it to stop. Feeling optimistic about trying again today. Started back at work yesterday and although I have bumpy moments I'm trying to lookafter myself. Eat well etc. Not got much energy at the moment and still feeling drained from the sepsis and miscarriage.

Really enjoyed reading your posts and hoping we can help each other in our journeys. Xx