Bring along any luck you can find ..This BESHly fred is brought to you by the magic number 3 - come on Hags, we can Foo it!

[Blue2014]

You know the drill by now ...

Rules of Entry - must be over 30, TTC no. 1 for over a year, be suitably evil and Hag like, willing to shout Cunt at the moon on regular occasions, consume extra gin when our fellow hags are unable to, and to get the nipple tassles out for any successful Hag ...

and now we've been trained by the government in our new MI5 roles, we are likely to get a little Ninja on your ass if you babydust round here ...

No admittance without a complete BESHtionnaire - see below.

Barking really sorry to hear about your dad. Hope he makes a speedy recovery. Also fingers crossed for your NK cells results.

Blue hope things are ok & that you're back soon.

No news here, I can't get my blood tests done until HWHNN's spaff results are back so I'm twiddling my thumbs at the moment.

barking, sorry to hear about your dad. I hope he'll recover quickly and strongly.

Blue - thinking of you, hope you get through whatever has happened.

I'm doing ok - symptom obsessing like crazy. Nothing really significant, except sore boobs - no nausea or anything. Have a scan next week, I'll be 8 weeks (if all is well).

Sending good vibes to all of you amazing hags.

cave time ticks so slowly when you're just waiting...

erica how are you doing?

bad wow, good luck for the scan

Blue , come back when you're ready

My dad now has a chest infection, anemia, is still on the oxygen and has blood pressure too low for the physio to work with him . bad he's got Multiple Systems Atrophy anyway, so getting back to being 'strong' is sadly never going to happen. He was managing to move around the house with a frame and just needed a wheelchair outside, but we're worried he'll not walk again now, and he doesn't have the upper body strength anymore to move the wheelchair himself, so my previously very fit and active father who never smoked, drank alcohol or ate meat will be completely dependant. And he can't talk coherently any more either. Life fucking stinks.

blue I hope you're OK hag .

barking so sorry about your Dad, I don't know anything about his condition but it sounds cruel, both for him to endure and for you guys to observe as a family. When will your NK results come back? What did they have to do to you?

bad good luck for next week, sending you pollocks of positivity for a happy healthy scan!

cave barking is so right about time crawling when you're waiting! Hope you get the results back soon so you can move on to the next step.

coop how are you doing? My droids are 1 or 2 days of carrie blood and then 3-4 of spotting - I've never had any GP/doc say that's anything other than normal.

We have our first IVF appointment tomorrow. Just got through a shit ton of forms I hadn't filled in and have just spotted they want a passport photo of each of us. Er, don't have one and can't really get one before tomorrow now - hoping that's not a critical thing!!! I am assuming we're going to be looking at starting on my cycle after next (droid is due next Friday). Fingers crossed!!!

blue hope you're ok hag..

barking so sorry about your dad, life really is shit sometimes isn't it? Best wishes and sneaky hugs to you and your fam

Waits patiently with cave and bad

rain I'm fine, thanks for asking. Had the rage last week (post droid) but am ok again for now. When I was on the pill my periods were always three days of real blood, and prior to that (a loooooong time ago...) they were very painful and lasted a whole week. So it's not that they're short I'm worried about, it's that they've gotten shorter for me...

Eeek, exciting/scary for tomorrow! Hope it goes well, sure you'll be fine without the photos. How do you feel about it?

I think the droid does change as you get older - mine is definitely darker/clottier these days (sorry for tmi!)

Feeling equal parts scared and then weirdly ambivalent about tomorrow. Scared because this is it, you know? We go down this path and it either works or that's it, game over. Ambivalent because what will be will be, and I really don't want to stress myself out over all the what ifs that go with ivf (ha! Famous last words).

Rain Thinking of you today, hag. I know what you mean, I am looking forward to starting the IVF process but at the same time thinking about it too much takes me down the 'what if it doesn't work ...?' path, which takes me down the 'how many times do you try before you just give up?' which then leads me to 'how old is too old to adopt..?. And then my head explodes.

Barking I am so sorry about your dad. Sending you hugs. Unfair doesn't cover it.

Coop I had the crying fit last week when the droid arrived. Such an emotional roller coaster. I do think the droid changes over time. Doctors seem to find most things normal as long as they are fairly consistent. A few years ago I started to get spotting before the droid arrived-arrived and made me super paranoid that I had low progesterone levels. I didn't, according to the tests, and apparently such changes are normal in your late twenties/early thirties.

Hags, Mr Erica is going through a 'it may never happen to us and I am fine with it' phase, which is annoying because I am trying to be positive in a 'other people struggled and got there in the end, why not us?' way. I know they are not miles away from each other but it makes us so sad when we are not on the same page, if that makes sense. I feel sad that he's not feeling more hopeful and he feels sad because he thinks I may be setting myself for (more) heartbreak. This SUCKS!

erica that's a difficult combination. Given we all rotate through various phases on a regular basis hopefully you'll both naturally find yourselves back in sync at some point soon. The acceptance phase for me is all about self-preservation - I know if i scratch below the surface I am NOT Ok with the prospect of it never happening but it's a hell of a lot less stressful to continue behaving as if I am. I am continually amazed at how sane us barren hags manage to be for the most part!

Appointment today was good! We are provisionally booked in to start with my July cycle (which should be around July 10th). Given my age and hormone/AMH results I'll be on long protocol and all stabbing, no sniffing. If all goes to plan EC/ET should be August!
I asked whether we could go ahead with booking a trip to Mexico in November and the nurse basically said we shouldn't in case it is successful as they don't recommend travel in first trimester. Feels foolish to even be asking about that sort of thing, the first cycle isn't likely to work is it!!!
OMG, sort it out woman, if I can't think positively now when will I!

Glad it went ok rain, I'm not up to much on ivf procedures (mostly because I'm not sure I'll ever go through with it if it comes to that) - what's stabbing/sniffing/differences of/ and how long is long or short protocol?
Think positive thoughts hag

Thanks erica, when I mentioned it to my gp he referred me to my prog levels (which I didn't know before that point, but are fine) and told me not to worry. Now that two of you have said it, maybe it is just my age. Not had a natural droid for a long time before started ttc.

Sorry about Mr Erica, I know what you mean about not being on the same page. MrC has always been calm about the whole thing and still maintains it will happen, "at some point". Although sometimes it's infuriating because you want someone to agree with you, logically I think it's for the best if you're on different pages, as there's always one of you cheerleading and the other can mope. I know it doesn't feel like that now, but in a few days it probably will.

If we both acted/thought like me we'd never get anything done especially shagging

Erica if it's any consolation I always seem to be at the opposite end of the scale to DCW! Last year when I was ready to quit after the 2nd mc he said we had to keep trying. Now he wants to stop and I feel like starting the ivf train then jumping off after one attempt is too soon and it feels like unfinished business. I guess it's better than both of us getting down about it at the same time?! Until we're both ready to stop, we'll keep going.

coop I said I'd never go through Ivf...

rain, Ooo, we could be have Et at similar times, we should get our results around the time you start, and all being well should be able to do the FET in August. I'm guessing there shouldn't be a problem fitting us in at the clinic as they don't have to do as many scans and there's no EC?
The biopsy was bloody horrible. Cranked open with a speculum (always hate that bit) and then he goes in with a sharp implement and starts hacking out part of my womb! It seemed to take fucking forever, I was in absolute agony and there was no bloody gas and air!! Just the paracetamol and ibuprofen I took before leaving the house (glad I double dosed...) He said he needed to get enough out as otherwise they'd say the sample wasn't big enough and he'd have to do it again. It goes off to two different places, one to look at nk cells and the other to see the quality of the lining and progesterone content etc.
If my nk cells are raised they want to put me on steroids for a month and then do another biopsy. I really, honestly don't know if I could willingly do that again without pain relief unless I got very drunk first...

Ouch, sounds horrible barking
I've been reading about nk cells a lot recently - did you self-refer privately? If so, how much is it costing (if you don't mind me asking), and whereabouts in the country are you? It seems quite specialist and wondering if I'd have to go to London if it was something I were to go into...

Sweet baby jeebus barking I crossed my legs tightly reading that!! Cant think of a better cycle buddy, I think we joined the BESH at a fairly similar time, would be fitting if we graduated to PESH at the same time too!

Cooper The main place for nk cells testing is Coventry, they charge £350 for a consultation, the test, and a follow up phone call. I went to Thornbury hospital in Sheffield, that cost £320 (I think, can't remember off the top of my head but it was between 310-340...)

Oh, that's not as much as I was expecting, thanks barking
Has everyone got exciting plans for the weekend?

I was, but just heard from my mum that the doctor is worried about my dad's chest as it's still congested and hasn't responded to the antibiotics. He thinks it's aspiration so is putting him on diuretics and intravenious feed. This is one week on from breaking his hip, and he just seems to be getting worse . Going over to see him tomorrow.

I'm so sorry to hear it barking, life is so unfair sometimes

I'm back Hags, all sorted. I fell off the Fred and I've only been gone a week!

Welcome back Blue!

I am so sorry to hear about your dad Barking.

Hags, I am really struggling with anxiety at the moment. It's the grieving process, the fucking TTC and other changes in life and nameless fear. I have my meditation mp3s, yoga etc but I just want to cry, which I do, a lot, but I need to get a grip at some point, right?

Thanks

I say cry it out Erica, you can try to get a grip but I reckon that will just bubble away as anxiety underneath.

You've had a hard time, if you can cry then do it. If not, is the meditation mindfulness? If not give that a try. And check in with your body and find out what it needs, to run, hit something, be soothed?? Whatever it is, give it. You'll get through this hag, it'll be ok

it's only a Kirby one tho. blue (hey blue! welcome back hag) speaks wisely. You don't need to be or feel anything other than what you do, if that's not too woo.
I'm trying some of this mindfulness malarkey for work anxiety, it does help (although my primary tactic at the moment is to just think 'none of this shit even fucking matters - not sure that's a sustainable strategy....)

barking so sorry your dad isn't getting any better. squid of solace for you - talk it out here if it helps?

Thanks Blue and Rain for wise words and grips! I feel much better today. I go onto 'crisis' mode sometimes and when it's happening, it feels that everything is going to be crap, forever, and I panic.

I do mindfulness meditation and yoga, they both help. Also drinking lots of wine with my girlfriends and moaning and laughing and bitching. And BESH of course.

How is everyone else doing? Barking, how is your dad?

barking so sorry to hear about your poor dad, hope everything's ok...

Welcome back blue you sorted hag?

erica cry if you need to, I generally feel better after doing so, for a whole at least. I've gotten into meditation and yoga in the past year or so, and if done constantly enough they do help some. If I could be doing one or the other my whole waking life that'd be great..

rain, that's my exact strategy at work not sure how long it'll last either but hey...

Hello all, apologies for the absence .

Barking I hope your dad is improving.

Erica when I hit rock bottom after my chemical pregnancy I took up the clinic's offer of a free counselling session. It really did help a lot. Is that an option open to you?

HWHNN had his spaff test today, we should get the results in about a week then it's my turn for blood tests, again

Thanks everyone for the advice.

Bugs Would you say acupuncture would be helpful even if I hate needles? I just find the idea a bit eeeeek but so many people are recommending it, I may have to reconsider my semi-phobia.

Coop & Cave I have cried, done lots of yoga and meditation and contacted my therapist again and I feel way better for it. I am a bit resentful though, that so many people just pop one baby after another and I have to go through all this drama, and then all the effort and money and time to recover from the drama, and not baby yet. Grrr.

Cave Good luck with the tests, wishing you a speedy process. I suspect we may have to go through them again before IVF. We are in process of choosing clinics to start end of the summer... Really need to get my mental balance back before then, otherwise I will be a wreck!