TTC for 10 months, and all the rest. 10 plussers welcome.

[MuddyWellyNelly]

New thread full of the most amazing women.

Well, he might have designed it so no embryo would fall out, but then he also designed dh so as to have very few sperm.

My clinic would scan me and then I'd have to say oh but I'm away on the crucial dates. I know this sounds ridiculous but I have started to hate appointments and scans because of all the negative associations and I just can't be bothered to have one if it's not leading to anything. I'm also trying to limit time off from work because if I end up doing a full ivf again I'm going to have to call in sick short notice or rearrange loads of things. I think my minds made up to forget about a November cycle and go for dec instead. We had wanted to go away in jan but I'm not going to book anything until I'm certain about cycle dates. I hate putting life on hold though.

Fox, intriguing about the lines. It does sound like something. Will you test again?

I could say at lot of things about god here but it's probably not the place. They're not very polite though...

Re appointments: It's not ridiculous to say at all. It's all part of the exhausting process. I've had to do so much calculating and lying and manipulating and evading to get us to Greece at the right time. My only saving grace on previous rounds was that I can sometimes work at home and have quite a lot of autonomy so I'd try to do that on scan days, even though it meant longer journeys. But it's very hard work, and like you the scans never seem to be "brilliant it's going just to plan" so they are triply stressful. It's also one of the great injustices that even for a sperm issue it's still the woman who does all the crap. I wish I could wave a magic wand for you. Xx

I do think on some level I'm a bit traumatised by the clinic visits. I realise that sounds pathetic considering I've never had a miscarriage or anything awful at that level but it always seems to be bad news or that things aren't as expected. When I sit in the waiting room, I feel very panicky. They have an unusual ring tone on their phones and I heard it when I was out somewhere and it triggered that panicky feeling. This makes me sounds slightly unhinged, I'm not I promise! I think it's because there has never been a positive outcome and so its hard to remember what I'm trying to achieve. I do think DH gets off very lightly, I've tried to explain how it makes me feel but I'm not sure he totally gets it.

The logistics of fitting it around work is also very stressful. There are some things I can't miss, and because of the nature of the cycles it's impossible to plan and I hate having to rearrange things last minute. We also both travel an awful lot which adds to the complexity of timings. If I had got pregnant from the first ivf cycle then I would have thought it was slightly awkward but relatively easy. It gets harder and harder. Sigh.

I hear you both on the timings and scheduling of ivf rounds. I have found this and the costs involved to be one of the most stressful parts of the process. It is all the lying and making excuses even when just running 20 minutes late and having to inform managers. It’s the saving up of holiday all year for ivf rounds and trying to work out whether there is enough leave. 65% of my holiday time over the last 4.5yrs has been for medical appointments. Ray, you don’t need a miscarriage to be traumatised by the clinic settings. Infertility and going through ivf is a gruelling process and you feel like you are in a sausage factory...you fall off and you go to the back of the queue again. I had intrallipids at my clinic yesterday and had to sit in the clinic waiting room and it was heaving. I felt very panicky and felt this deep fear within me. Even when circumstances seemingly change, it doesn’t leave you. There are just too many bad memories for all of us.

Ray – it sounds like you need to focus on a December cycle and perhaps clear your diary for Dec/Jan if you can. It is infuriating another month has been scuppered but perhaps it’s all happening for a reason just like my ivf cycle being cancelled (when i thought the world was conspiring against me). I know it’s hard to see it like that but perhaps the golden egg and sperm are lined up for you in Dec...

Nelly – uuum about testing. Can you ask Penny when she thinks the pregnyl will be out of your system. Having a false positive would be awful but surely a blood test would show the same thing...It sounds like it should be out of your system in 10 days anyway. 1500 isn’t close to 10000.

Fox – aaahhh, any update on the line today? What are you now , 16 or 17dpo? Lines can be extremely faint this early on whether it’s normal or CP so it’s difficult to tell but I just find this so intriguing that as well as Cos, something has happened when you used progesterone. So sperm are meeting eggs....oh my goodness, i am wishing so much that this is really very significant.

Toes – a trip to Venice sounds perfect and something lovely to look forward to. Hopefully you will be with a bump as well.

Euro – goodness, well thank goodness for FMC. I wonder whether the NHS would have picked it up.

Can’t remember who asked but no big milestone this end. The big scan is on Monday. I’ve got plenty of fears myself but my mum asked me out of the blue, “so what would you do if one had Downs or both of them?”. Thanks Mum. I can see where I get my negative genes from.

Nelly - keep me updated on cat activities

Pokes head around the door Sorry for being a crap ten plusser but I feel like I am at a bit of a crossroads and ought to seize the growing inclination in me to "move on" from TTC. That's not to say moving on from you lovely ladies but I just need to take a step back for a bit. My 39th birthday was a bit of a bucket of cold water and a wake up call that the jig really is up and I can't keep hoping against experience. I'm also considering taking some migraine drugs that are contra indicated for TTC which is progress of sorts! I have some counselling booked for Friday which I am hoping will be helpful.

I just wanted to say how pleased I am joy that things seem to be well with you. You so deserve it to be plain sailing from now. Good luck Monday.

critter your news is fantastic and I am willing stickiness your way. How is your furry baby? Big Dog has had to have doggy Diazepan because of the fireworks (we had to bite the bullet and take him to the vet following his persistent attempts at tunneling into the walls every time a firework went off??!!!). He also has had an absess in his neck which looks suspiciously like it was caused by a certain Little Dog's fang!

Nelly Good luck with this cycle, I have good feelings about this and you too deserve a fecking break!

fox All I will do is describe that when I read your last two posts I had a distinctly "mmmmm" look going on. Fertility Gods please let this be it.

ray Drats to long cycles, I blardy hate those anyway & can imagine how much more frustrating they are when you are trying to shoehorn in a cycle of treatment.

It's so nice to see the thread busy with lots of new people. As ever it's also nice to see so many grads still here too.

Ray I so hope that a Dec cycle is possible for you. I don't think you're being silly at all - I agree that the IVF clinic visits are traumatic. I have been in that sodding waiting room so many times. I feel like a dog at the vets that knows something bad is going to happen.

pout it is lovely to hear from you - the furry lodger is doing well, he has thoroughly got the run of the place and has indeed covered everything will a fine mist of fur. He's quietly snoozing in his little dog tent now, surrounded by his squeaky toys that he's carefully carried in with him. I've been spoiling him with beef marrow bones which he loves to chew on. Sorry to hear about poor Big Dog and his abscess, naughty Little Dog if he is the culprit. I do always laugh at your tales of the fake chokes and the spats between the two of them. I am sorry that you feel like you're at the end of your TTC road. Am assuming you're not considering DE and/or further rounds (sorry if this is a super insensitive question). I don't think being 39 means the gig is up age-wise, but I can understand being tired of all this exhausting crap. I hope that the counselling is helpful and please do chat to us if it's helpful but I also understand if it isn't.

joy at your mother. Less than a week until your scan and I will have everything crossed that everything will be ok with your twins. I do deeply understand the fear though. This whole experience has been so traumatic and it's the fear that it will all be whipped away from you that is so awful.

Nelly it's tricky about knowing when to test. If you're doing HCG injections then there is no point in early testing until that's out of your system. I know it's a nightmare waiting but I guess the only good thing is that the time WILL pass, albeit slowly.

AFM all ok but still cramping quite a bit and still horribly anxious (but I know this is totally normal). In my head I'm thinking about a February cycle because am assuming this one will fail some time next week like the last one did and I'm travelling loads over the next few months. I'm actually doing a long flight for work next week (7 hours, for a day's work.. kind of ridiculous) and am somewhat dreading what if I miscarry at the work event as it would be around the same point in the pregnancy as last time. Do you guys know if there is anything special you need to do in early early pregnancy before a long haul flight?

I love that our thread is busy. I did a stick this morning and it was white, regardless of which light I looked at it under. So I now have three, sad, diminishing sticks by my bedside. I felt totally ok with it all as after four years I think my heart has hardened but I suspect the crash off progesterone has had an impact as I came home tonight and cried. A lot. I walked in the dark to find wine and am now drinking it and crying into it! Someone at work was sharp today and normally it would have barely registered but I could feel that throat lump in a flash - fucking hormones. I've been super healthy this past two weeks so balls to that. And I'm not in work tomorrow phew. I feel sad and angry and fed up as all I want is what most people rustle up over a shag. Meh. So, plan A (instadiff) B (waiting a while) C (ivf) have passed and now it's donor (D) I should just man up about that and accept it properly. For whatever reason I can't get pregnant though egg and sperm obviously give it a try. I fail to see how every single one of my 40 plus ovulated eggs are all shite since age 33. It's scary to think too hard about it.

Anyway. Pout I am so glad to see you here though I realise talking to us probably feels counter intuitive if you feel like not thinking about babies. However, we are now a firm community and are here for you for whatever. I don't know how my journey will end, I still have no commitment to adoption and often read gateway women for child free living inspiration. I like to think that even if this is the path I end up taking that ten plussers will always be good friends. And who better to talk to about buying craft things that I get excited about and never use? Taking the meds might give you a clear spell from period waiting (and a happier head) but you know all of your tests have shown there's no reason and I have always always thought that one day you will get the biggest surprise ever. Big big love trouty pout. 39 is positively youthful!

Sam I have now had three or four so called chemical pregnancies and possibly a few more as I don't like tests. It isn't a very nice term. Mine seem to follow a particular pattern of a long luteal phase and I know my cycle very well through charting. So, my period consistently starts 12-13 days after ov. On cp months it has started 17-19 days and I've tested when late, got a very faint line which proceeds to vanish over the next day or two. One month I had a super light period and then a few days later had a massive bleed, during which I tested and found a faint line. Periods after are painful, heavy and clotty and I normally get away with easy periods. It's nothing I'd know about if I wasn't heavily focused on ttc. I think charting is so so useful but I know it's not for everyone.

Critter I'm sorry about the super anxiety but it's so very understandable. I hate to think of you wondering where you'll be at the time of your last mc, that must be very stressful. I feel it like a warm feeling that this is all going to be ok for you. I love the dog at the vets analogy. And ray there was a vile picture of teddies playing cricket at my NHS clinic and sometimes when I'm sad I see that picture. The mind is amazing at holding onto things. I rarely speak of my battles with ed here but I've been having intense therapy over the last few months that processes traumatic events, called EMDR. It's been the best thing I've ever spent money on and I could talk about it for ages if it didn't feel so public! So the ringtone would trigger all those feelings and my god we've all been through so many traumas here. As you know my strategy is to shelve ivf until it feels doable. It means longer waiting but I can't face any cycle that will be hugely problematic. The only person who can teach my stuff is me and with hundreds of people arriving and paying, I don't get to move them without a lot of lying. So I think taking a month out is a good plan. Glad you're feeling better.

Intermediate posting!

Fox, I think you are amazing. You always have kind words and advice for us all, even now, when you're obviously having a tough time yourself.
I can't really relate to what your going through, but I know what you mean about the hormone drop... I feel like I was in some sort of trance for a few days before, and at the beginning of, af! It's cleared now though, and having a couple of glasses of wine helped, so enjoy yours Xx

Thanks Sam. It's just super disappointing and also so frustrating as I want to know exactly why it happens and I never will.

Toes I do like the Venice planning

Joycep's mum! That was a thinking aloud not needing to be said moment if I ever heard one. I feel so happy for you as I think this is it Joy. The joylets are coming! Have you even started to think of twin life yet?

Nellington - how's today been? Have you got three cats on your lap?!

Just marking my space to catch up tomorrow :)

Foxy I am so sorry it has happened again, drink wine and fucking cry

joy I would be quite peeved with that comment, not what you need to hear and no reason to really think that it will happen to the twins either

nelly you better hope its a cat that sits in your lap and not one of your hobbles

pout lovely to see you :) oh poor big dog, naughty little dog if he is the culprit

Oh fox. I am so sorry for the tears and the dashed hopes and the feeling that this is so close and yet you keep having your bruised dreams whisked away. I wish this were fair. If babies were given as prizes for being a good and kind and generous hearted person, you'd have a dozen. I hate the thought of you crying in the dark. And I wish I knew what was the deal with the chemical pregnancies (horrible term) and why this part of the puzzle doesn't fit. I think taking time off for the next cycle, when you have strength for that, is a good thing. As others have said the timing and lying is very difficult. Better to be able to do it in a more low pressure way. I am thinking of you here and hoping you had a good sleep and with nice dreams.

Sam I hope the clouds are beginning to lift a little. Thinking of you. Good luck with this cycle, I would keep a beady eye out for the famed egg white cervical fluid and then leap on your DH. I hope the referral comes through soon.

I have an image of nelly laying there covered in cats?!

Critter, thing is I never really see much in the way if ewcm... I wonder if that is our problem? X

Phone ate my long catch up :( but now at work, so will love and leave you...

Hello again all. Heavy red bleeding this morning so went in for a scan. The sac was still there and the doc couldn't see a source for the bleeding. They gave me a progesterone in oil shot and told me to take the shots until they can work out what's going on. I had a blood test and go in in a couple of days for another to see if it's still hanging in there. Told people at work I was having another mc so now at home on the sofa with the dog. It's not looking good but not absolutely all over yet.

Also sam there is a product called 'pre seed' you can get off Amazon that's meant to mimic EWCM.

Aw critter holds your hand FX that this is a glitch & all be will be well. Thinking of you and shaking my head at how shitty the universe is for putting you through the wringer some more.

sam I second preseed as a good choice. It's pretty expensive but is quite good (doesn't smell or feel yuk) and is very handy when you should be shagging but don't want to IYSWIM!

fox Oh FGS at arctic stick. I was so hopeful for you. I second critter's sentiments and think that buzzy's advice is spot on. I will be thinking of you too.

Waves to lemons

Oh Critter, I'm keeping my fingers firmly crossed for you. Hope the dog is taking care of you ??

Critter and Pout, thank you. I actually bought preseed last month but didn't actually use it, will give it a go this month

Forgot to say, my thermometer arrived so will start temping from tomorrow morning...

Critter - oh I can't believe this is happening. It's good they saw a sac and your levels were going up really well so this all seems odd. They never found the source of my bleeding either and it was bright red and a lot. Are you cramping? I am just so sorry, it is absolutely ghastly and I am just praying IT is one of those mystery bleeds that so many pregnant women get. Has the bleeding stopped?

Fox- argh I am so sorry. It is so odd that you have had so many cps. I wish a doctor had really been interested in your case and taken you under his wing and bothered to find out more. When you look at the age you started etc, it does seem ridiculous that this is all egg issues. I hope you are ok or best that you can be.

Hey ladies

Just heard back from the clinic. HCG is around 2150 which is apparently a little low for 5 weeks, and my progesterone was 6.1 which is low too. I have to go back on Monday morning before my flight for another scan and blood test and just carry on with the shots and candles and tablets until then. The nurse said to call them if anything happens over the weekend that I'm concerned about, but there really isn't anything they can do. Just have to wait it out. Kind of hate that I have to continue with the drugs even though it's almost certainly a bust.

joy I have been having cramps, not too bad at the moment but on and off all week. Was worried about them.

I think it's probably going to be a February cycle next. I want to put both the last two in together although I don't think the odds are good for them either. Just want to get these frozen rounds over with.

Critter, I can't believe this. I'm so sorry that this isn't looking good and I can't tell you how much I'm hoping that everything will be ok with this one, my hand is here to squeeze xx

Oh Critter FFS not more crap to deal with. Massive hand hold. I hope you manage to get through the weekend ok, and am really really hoping all will be ok. I can't believe you're not having an easy ride again. If it does come to doing another round, do you need to do another frozen, could you opt to go straight to fresh keeping the others in the freezer?

Fox am giving you a squeeze too. I'm so sorry for more heartache. We've all had more than our fair share.

Honestly I can't believe this could be happening again critter. You must be beside yourself. Is mrC with you? I will just continue to hope that extra progesterone does something. It's all so unfair.