Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for rainbows

[missalexandra]

New thread ladies, hope it brings us all good luck.

Sorry to hear it's not good news critter. Thinking of you.

I heard about that owl, did any of you watch it? I thought it would be too upsetting so didn't watch.

So sorry critter

Thanks earth, i've downloaded it onto the sky box.

Critter, i've been keeping you in my thoughts, hope you're doing ok x

Thinking of you Critter x

Sorry to hear your news Critter - have been thinking of you x

Blue also thinking of you and hoping that your final few days go quickly. Is the plan to induce?

I finally got AF, so we are now on cycle two of ttc. Trying to convince myself that my body just needed to give itself another month to recover, and that this is a good thing. (It also means that I can go out and celebrate when I finally hand in my thesis, and that I can start my teaching job this term without worrying about morning sickness).

Hi ladies, sorry for being AWOL for so long. Things here have been pretty tough these last two weeks and I havent had time to post.

Critter so sorry about your BFN, its just so rubbish. Licking your wounds for a while before returning for your frosties sounds like a plan x

Blue hope your scan went well today. Gosh you are so close now, is it really just 5 days? So pleased you got past the 36 week mark reasonably well, I'm less than 3 weeks away from when it all started going wrong too and petrified. Good for you demanding whatever you feel you need to stay calm, my obstet aslo seems very reluctant to do much extra monitoring which I just cant understand. I'm with you on the not wanting to "jinx" things by hoping for a live baby - but we should just concentrate on all the success stories we've read about on here for the past year/s...why should it not go the same way for us? Well done on getting some baby things packed, and in the car! Is everything else ready now?

Ruby so pleased you have got E's tongue tie thing sorted, it must have been so worrying. Is she fattening up nicely now? Are you recovering well?

Kayleigh its great that you finally have things in place for Brian, seems like they have moved very slowly though. Fingers crossed your new relaxed state helps with the TTC. Have things improved with your Mum?

Earth thanks for thinking about my friend. The news is not good, thats why I have been AWOL for so long. She is now home from hospital so at least is with her family. Re: the extreme worrying - yes I too am almost 2 years down the line and have become even more of a worrier than I was before (which was quite bad). Even small things really get to me now. I seem to have lost a lot of confidence too, which is pretty crap as I never had an excess of it to start with! How is your littel chap?

Ducky the anxiety is so hard to control isnt it? I too have scary days when he feels a lot quieter than normal. I think its impossible for us to be positive all the time (or even much of the time) after what we've been through.

Spaniel its a double edged sword the "normal" PM result isnt it? Leaves so many unanswered questions. Good luck with the TTC

Mademoiselle sorry to hear about the pregnancy announcements at work, its such hard work putting on a happy face when all youre thinking is "why isnt it me" I hope that at least they are not in your face all the time about it. Sending you ovulatory vibes

Betty how are you, how is the TTC going?

Lake oh I cringed when I read about your encounter with the receptionist. I think we've all had a few of those its so hard yet we always seem to end up worrying about how the other person feels! Well done on getting out for a coffee, taking that first step is so hard, glad it went well.

AFM - have had a difficault couple of weeks, have outwardly had to put my own anxiety on the "back burner" to be able to cope with my friends situation. But its still there and getting worse by the day. Talked to the obstet about a possible date and she says she wants to wait till 38 weeks if all "seems well". When I reminded her that all "seemed well" last time she just said that if I couldnt control my anxiety she would prefer to give me some medication for my anxiety rather than take the baby out earlier. Feel weak with fear just at the thought of waiting to 38 weeks although I know common sense says we probably should. The diabetes is getting harder to control by the day and I've got torn ligaments between my ribs that I can only take paracetomol for, its sooo painful. Next growth scan on Thursday...

Waves to all and apologies for anyone I've forgotten x

Hi MissA, I'm so sorry about your friend. It is testament to your strength that you have been able to support her these last couple of weeks.
How many weeks pg are you now? You never know about the weeks, you might get there and then be able to take it a day at a time to eeek out an extra few days if that is what your dr thinks is best. Either that or stomp your feet and demand a second opinion! Keep plodding on, you are doing so well.

Betty, hurrah for the arrival of AF.

Blue, I'm hoping the silence means that you just have your head down trying to get through the last few days. Thinking of you.

Betty, hope this month is your month! X

Missa, really sorry about your friend. What a difficult time for you. About your date, could you possibly speak to another consultant? Mine has said (like yours) if 'all is well' she wants me to go to 38 but if I am getting stressed she will ok it for me to be induced at 37 weeks but she will need to go through all the risks with me. My last consultant said they wouldn't consider it before 38 which made me extremely anxious. They need to consider your mental health as well as your baby. It really sucks having to fight for care after what we have gone through hope you end up getting the care plan you want/need! Your a few weeks ahead of me aren't you? X

Waves to everyone x

missa the situation with my mum has gotten worse i'm afraid, but thank you for asking. I've given up on hoping she's ever going to change now, this is the reality at the current time. So sorry your friend's news wasn't good, i'm sending hugs for you, and i'm also sorry to hear your obstet doesn't seem to listening to you.

AFM- AF arrived like expected; although didn't happen until this afternoon, so i had begun to wonder if it was coming at all. Even though deep down i was expecting AF to come (as i'd posted the other week) it still made me sad. I'm not sure how much longer i can carry on TTC- with every unsuccessful cycle i just seem to get more disheartened. Sorry if that sounds selfish (i wholeheartedly appreciate that there are people who endure years of TTC) it's just how i'm feeling right now

Waves to all xx

H all
Critter so sorry to here of your BFN. Take all the time u need. We r all here to support u when u r ready x

Blue how r you doing? It's days now isn't it? Well done for getting some bits ready. This babe will b in your arms b4 you know it x

MissA so sorry to hear of your friends news and that u r struggling. I know when they suggested to is at the end they may bring it forward to 37 weeks we were so hopeful but then all looked 'good' so we went back to 38 weeks and it was hard even though we knew it was best for the baby. Thinking of you and oping the days flu by x

Thanks for all the understanding on the tongue tie. Since it was snipped on Thursday she is feeding like a different baby and by Sunday had gained 2oz in 3 days, so feeling much happier. DH has gone back to work and had thought I would struggle but so far so good! We had a lovely card from the bereavement midwife to say she would raise a glass to both our daughters. Everybody is so desperate for us to 'move on' and 'look to the future' why is it so bad to want to remember the children we have lost? My mum excitedly announced the other day she has 2 granddaughters now ( my brother has a little girl) I resisted the urge to hit her with a brick and just muttered '3' under my breath. I think the move forward thing is horn other peoples comfort not ours....... Ho hum x

Sorry for text abbreviations, very naughty, posting on my phone with one hand whilst trying to support breast feeding baby with the other. Apologies x

ruby i'm so pleased for you that things have been much improved since the tongue tie was snipped, and how nice of the bereavement midwife to send you the card. I'm so sorry about what your mum said though, i know all too well that particular feeling x

Hi all, sounds like lots is going on.

ruby glad the tongue tie has got sorted, well done on 2oz weight gain. Such a worry when they don't gain weight.

blue not long, thinking of you.

ducky and missa I can only begin to imagine your anxiety, my own was terrible even though it was the birth that was the issue for me. Try to take it a day at a time. I must admit I found the last few weeks the hardest, thinking 'he's alright now, can't he be born now?'. It really is better for the baby to wait till 38 weeks, but that's so hard for us rainbow mums. I am thinking of you and your beans every day.

kayleigh glad it's going a bit better at the school. Try not to get too down about TTC, give your body a chance. It's so hard to wait though isn't it? madem I sympathise, it's so hard to stay positive about other people's happy news. Just nod and smile.

I watched the stillbirth programme last night. Obviously very emotional. If people would like I can give a bit of a summary of what was said?

Earth I am almost 32 weeks now. I asked two seperate midwives and they both said that under the circumstances they thought 36 weeks would be fine, although 37 would be preferable. But it wont be their decision as I'm under obstet care.

Ducky I think we're about 4 weeks apart, right? My obstet directly says that her primary concern is the baby - my mental health lags way behind apparently. She doesnt seem to realise its NOT my worrying that I'm worried about - its leaving junior in there too long. We lost A at 35 weeks so surely if it were going to happen again it would be at the same weeks? Hope your ok and havent had any major scares lately.

Kayleigh sorry to hear AF came, I think unfortunately every single month brings disappointment when we are TTC so its natural you feel down. Also sorry to hear your Mums attitude is not improving, just one more worry for you. At least things with Brian seem to be going ok.

Ruby so lovely to hear your little girl is gaining weight and you are managing all alone! Very touching that your midwife should send a car mentioning your two daughters, those little things mean so much dont they? Definietly agree that the "moving forward" thing is for other people's benefit - lets them off the hook for not having to mention anything "unpleasant" like our other children. Ggggrrrrr to your Mums comment! Now I have a huge bump I am getting "oh is it your first" all the time (even from strangers!) and I refuse to say yes, so hence the awkward silence when I say we lost our first daughter. I took the cowards way out once (and said yes) and then felt guilty for days so now its the truth or nothing!

Owl lovely to hear from you, hope you are all doing well? I missed the programme and would find it a lot easier if you gave us a summary, but only if everyone else is happy with that?

AFM had the growth scan last night and it shows the baby has macrosomia, which apparently means he is growing too big, too fast. The scariest part is that if he keeps growing at this rate he will need heart scans to make sure its not affecting his heart. She said it is almost definitely related to the diabetes and although I have it controlled sometimes these things "just happen". Seeing the endocrinologist on Tuesday, see what she suggests. For a moment I almost got excited at the thought "ooh big baby...earlier section date" but she explained that even though he is bigger than normal (100% percentil) that doesnt mean he is any more developed than a normal size baby and he would have all the preemie probs Still, everything else sems to be fine for the moment. Another growth scan/monitoring in two weeks

Waves to everyone else x

missa sorry to hear you've now got the added worries regarding baby's growth. I hope your appointment on Tuesday is productive for you. Glad everything else seems ok at the moment.

Thanks to you ladies for your kind words regarding my mum. She knew AF was due on Tuesday and hasn't asked me since if it arrived, which i'm not sure how to take really- especially since she's recently taken to referring to Ben as "a trauma" :( I was angry when she said it the first time, but i ranted to my best friend about it all (instead of yet another mother fuelled rant on here)

Hope all the other ladies are doing ok xx

Kayleigh sorry your mum is being insensitive whilst we know losing a child is traumatic this isn't the dum of who they were is it? I feel the same when HCP refer to H as an 'IUD'. I feel like saying, no, she suffered an IUD, I suffered an IUD, but she was a little girl. It's only happened once but it's enough isn't it. If it's any consolation my mum has never said h name since the day she died and had only referred to her once as 'last time'. Sorry about AF, even though we know it takes a whole it doesn't make the disappointment any easier does it?

MissA 32 weeks! Have everything crossed for you and your little one. Sorry the scans are giving you cause for concern, you are nearly there, I just hope the next few weeks are as gentle on you as possible and your little one is in your arms soon x

Owl lovely to hear from you, hope all us well in the Owl household. Like MissA I would be happy to have the abridged version of the documentary but only if others feel ok about this.

AFM we r doing ok. Attended a memorial service this evening organised by the hospital for families who have lost babies. There was 1 lady there who lost 2 babies 50 years ago. Tonight was the first time she has had any opportunity to mark their loss. It's unbelievable how stillbirth was handled all that time ago I think.

Up late tonight as DD finished her 12.30 feed at 01.30 but is very reluctant to sleep in her cot. It's so much nicer if mummy will sit all night and cuddle you. It's no hardship really is it though? Waves and love to all x

Thanks ruby you're so right, it only takes the one time of someone saying something. I'm so thankful i found this thread and all of you wonderful ladies. Glad you're doing ok, and how nice that the lady at the service could finally do something to mark her loss. A lady i know had told me about her stillborn son (happened many years ago) and even though she lives in the same place as me things were quite different. Her baby was cremated and his ashes put at one of the cemetaries however there is no marker or such thing to indicate where. It makes me thankful that we could have Ben buried at the church he would have been christened at really, at least i know where he is.

Love to all xx

Those of you who are pregnant are doing such an amazing job, it's scary enough being pregnant but being pregnant after this is even harder I imagine.

kayleigh it's so hard when people are insensitive. My dad always says there must have been something wrong with E for her to die and it drives me mad, although he's never said her name and refuses to look at photos of her.

AFM I have a work colleague who is pregnant and seems to be going crazy on Facebook about it, I had to stop following her as within 3 hours she'd posted about five different things about her baby, decorating the nursery and everything else. Just reminds me of how innocent I was and now here I am with a lovely little unused nursery upstairs.
We got a temporary grave marker for E's grave this week as I hate it just being a mound of dirt but can't place a headstone for 9 months until the ground settles. I got one from ebay of all places but we were able to completely personalise the words. I went to the grave on Friday and someone had put flowers on her grave. I felt really sad about it like whoever did it thought I had been neglecting her grave as it had been 9 days since I visited. I'm sure it was a nice gesture I think they were from the family who have a little girl next to E as they had some similar flowers on her grave. I don't really like having flowers on her grave as they die so quickly. We got a little butterfly on a stick to put there the other week.
I'm taking my pregnancy vitamins this month as I'm hoping when we get the PM results on the 30th we will work on TTC it's a little bit scary as E was conceived at the end of November in our first month of trying so we might be at risk of completely repeating history. I find it more scary that if we don't go for it soon it could be more than a year before I hopefully get to bring home a baby.

Hope everybody is doing well

lake you're right it is hard, i've had to fight the urge to thump someone on more than one occasion now. I'm sorry to hear about what your dad said about E, that must have been so awful for you. I know what you mean about the flowers dying on E's grave, we now use a local florist for Ben's flowers, as they last a little longer that supermarket ones, although we bought a little blue windmill so that's next to the grave too.

AFM well AF is coming to an end, so another cycle starts. I've noticed in the last couple of weeks my face seem to get a new spot almost every day, which i'm less than impressed with as my skin was clear while PG with Ben. I had a good old moan at my friend about it the other day and she said the spots could be yet another indication my body's getting back to normal. I live ever hopeful ha

Love to all xx

•Lake• sorry about your colleague and her insensitive behaviour. While we all understand their naive excitement, it's hard to join in when they are buying whole maternity wardrobes at 5 weeks isn't it? We will never see things in the same way but I have always felt that of all the things we have to remember H by, the footprints, photos etc the most significant reminder she left me with us the way she changed me forever. Although it's is in sad ways, it also includes the way I see the world. After we lost her I promised myself I would live a bit more 'mindfully' seize the day more and sweat the details less. I completely get the 'scared of being pregnant but more scared of not being pregnant thing'. When it happens we are all here to support you x

•Kayleigh* if it's any consolation I am completely with your friend on the spots front. I have always got spots, particularly around my mouth before my period and not really understood why. While TTC after losing H I read that it's a sign that your progesterone level is dropping because you haven't got pregnant that cycle so your body is getting ready to go round again. So it does indicate that all is hopefully 'working'. This was a big anxiety of mine so it did give me comfort. Fingers crossed for you this cycle x

•Ducky* how is the anxiety, hope your little one is being super wriggly for you!

Blue thinking about you, hope all is going well?

Hi Blue, I'm thinking of you, is tomorrow the day?
I hope we haven't heard from you because you are just keeping your head down trying to get through the days. Praying that you are cuddling your rainbow soon x

Thanks for thinking of me guys - you're right earth I've just been keeping my head down and trying to get through the time. Sorry not to post, have become a recluse irl as well as on here! The anxiety has really ramped up - keep thinking how awful if I lost her now, at the 11th hr. I have this weird idea whenever anyone asks how I am that if I say ok then it'll all go wrong afterwards. Can't even post it - but right now she's wriggling, I can manage that much. Finding the nights so hard to get through, only one more thankfully.

kayleigh your hormones sound just like mine - I need antibiotics normally but when pg my skin is so much better. Hope you're feeling a bit better as af ends, I know I always do.

Lake I'm sure they didn't think you'd neglected E's grave, they probably just felt sad someone else is in the early stages of grief and wanted to express that in some way iyswim? We bought some crocus bulbs to plant on E's grave so they'll come up each year around his birthday, although as I can't bend atm we havent planted them yet. I think I'll feel ok about those flowers dying as I know they'll come up again the next year.

missalex so sorry there's yet another thing to worry about with this pg. I know what you mean about wanting them out before the stage your loss was at - my consultant was very firm tho that we should do whatever is actually best for this baby which I understand, but bloody hell it's difficult, isn't it?! I lurked on a thread about prematurity a few weeks ago, which helped me a lot actually - people posted about the probs their babies had and how it's always assumed that prem babies will be fine once they're out of scbu etc, but many were saying there are ongoing probs and worries. Helped me keep going for her sake even tho its been harder for me iyswim.

Will post with any news as soon as I can... Really scared it'll be bad news tho, can't let my self hope otherwise. Waves to all x

Blue, I really feel for you, I was spared "the final night" because my waters went 3 days early, I can't even begin to imagine how you're feeling. Keep wiggling little one, try and keep mummy calm tonight. I'll be thinking of you tonight and tomorrow Blue. Sending huge amounts of strength and love your way, you can do it.

Thanks ruby it does help to hear those reassuring words regarding the spots. I'm currently waging war on my face, armed with my trusty anti-blemish exfoliating pads

blue thanks for your words of reassurance also. I'm feeling a bit better than last week, still disheartened if i'm honest but trying not to let it get me down too much. I'll also be thinking of you tomorrow- sending love.

AFM well today is DD's (Jessie) birthday, yet another thing Ben isn't here for. Poor Jessie had a little cry on me when i was putting her to bed because she said she missed Ben :( all i could do was hug her, and tell her that we all miss him. I have to admit that while i'm scared about another pregnancy for my own reasons, i'm worried also about how Jess will cope, as she's old enough to understand about Ben and she's such a worrier at the best of times

Waves to all xx

Thinking of you today Blue. Your little one will be in your arms before you know it. You have been so brave, stay strong x