Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for rainbows

[missalexandra]

New thread ladies, hope it brings us all good luck.

Hi everyone,

Madem, how are you holding up? I'm thinking about you and sending love.

Vicky, it is bringing me so much hope to hear you say you are feeling positive. I'm having some moments of happiness here and there and I'm trying to let myself enjoy those moments. My parents are with us for the holidays and when we went out for some drinks yesterday I actually felt almost happy.

Kayleigh, happy belated. I'm thinking of you and Brian.

I went to the party. Some of my coworkers that I've seen already since we lost our son kindly went with me to a little bar close to the Christmas Party venue before it started to have a drink and talk. By the time I got to the little bar to meet them my hands were sweating for the first time in my life and I really thought I needed to throw up. From there it was easy! I was so surprised. Everyone were so loving and sweet and gave me hugs and told me how much they'd missed me at work. I feel fortunate to say the least to have such compassion around me, returning to work definitely doesn't feel like such a massive task anymore.

Tomorrow will be our sons special Christmas day. We will go for a walk at a beautiful cemetery close-by and when we get home we will make him a little gingerbread house. We have a lovely urn that we will move his ashes into and hopefully I will find some pretty fresh flowers for him too.

Lots of love to everyone.

Xa

anna well done on getting over that particular hurdle, it's great your colleagues have been so supportive. Will be thinking of you tomorrow xxx

Thanks critter all the medical people with Brian are amazing, and his reception teacher (who happens to be the school's senco) is very supportive which is lovely.

Thank you cake for sharing your experience with me. Brian didn't walk until he was 3 due to the hypermobility, and since the diagnosis it just seems to have gone from bad to worse, especially now it's affecting joints that weren't affected 18 months ago. The best bit of all is i worry myself daft about him and he couldn't care less- he just gets on with everything bless him.

anna thank you for the belated wish. Well done for getting through the party, it's so nice to hear you've got extremely supportive colleagues. I too will be thinking of you tomorrow.

AFM i'm currently wading through the present wrapping- which is a slight nightmare seeing as the kids are on school holidays so it's slightly like a stealth mission. Jessie had made a Christmas card at school and when she brought it home i wondered why it was laminated- that was until i looked inside. She's done the card for Ben, so on Saturday we took it up to the grave and tied it around his name plate, and i've told Jessie that after Christmas we'll bring it home and put it in the memory box.

Love to all xx

Kayleigh, that physio appointment does not sound like fun, poor Brian. I hope he's not in too much pain. Is there anything they can do for him other than wait and see? And that's so beautiful that Jessie made Ben a Christmas card.

Tahunny, I definitely think that the baby clinic is a dumb place for berevement counselling. Sounds like you didn't really want it anyway? I've not had any myself, partly because I tried it a few years ago for something else, and the counseller just wound me up. I know it can really help if you get the right person though, Cake it sounds like you've hit the jackpot with yours.

Vicky, I'm so glad you're feeling positive. In general, I am too, although still punctuated with waves of sadness sometimes, only when I'm on my own though. When I'm around other people, I generally feel normal, and it is a nice feeling. Anna it sounds like you will get a similar feeling when you go back to work, especially with nice coworker like yours. The Gingerbread house sounds lovely.

Speaking of waves of sadness, I'm on my own tonight as DP has gone to FIL's house for the Christmas runup, and I've got to work tomorrow so I'm still at home. Found myself crying at 'The Borrowers'. Crazy. I enjoyed the film though! No harm in a little cry sometimes.
We went to G's grave on Sunday, and it was very bleak and a bit sad looking. Her headstone isn't up yet, and we've got lots of flowers in pots but they are not exactly colourful this time of year. I stupidly went and looked at the other baby graves and saw all the christmas decorations, then kicked myself as it hadn't occurred to me to get one for G.

Hope you all find some normal moments this Christmas, and some quiet moments to reflect on your angels. x

town as far as we can tell Brian isn't in any pain at the moment- in fact while i was wincing at the ways the physio was manipulating his joints Brian was laughing his head off! The physio is going to be keeping a close eye on him and is going to speak to Brian's main peadiatrician to request a hip x-ray so they can see what's going on in there.
You're so right, there's nothing wrong with a cry sometimes.

MissA sending you lots of love for tomorrow

AFM a bit of an emotional day for me. AF is due today and as of yet hasn't appeared (it's 11:00pm where i am right now), but i'm refusing to think about hoping for a BFP as we've had the very upsetting news that my great autie passed away this afternoon . I'm just glad DH is off work for the Xmas period as he'll be able to hold me up while i'm trying to hold my grandma and mum up.

Love to all xx

kayleigh sorry to hear about your great auntie

town I cried at the nativity play on this morning the other day. I'm blaming it on left over pregnancy hormones, there is no way I'd cry at stuff like that normally! I'm glad you are getting positive times x don't be too hard on yourself over visiting G grave. She is in your thoughts and hearts, as she always will be x

Anna I really hope yesterday went as well as it could for you both and hat you were kind to yourself and each other x

AFM we want to see the pantomime at Bhangra hippodrome yesterday, it was brilliant! For those of you who live close enough I would suggest going, I'm far from a panto fan but it was bloody brilliant and genuinely made me laugh and forget about everything else.
I'm not a church goer in the slightest, normally I would say atheist to be honest, however since having E I have mellowed a little. There is a beautiful church down the road from where we live and I am thinking of taking my son to christmas eve carols there later, might make it a bit of a tradition, go and say a little prayer or something to E, we will see though.

Oh dear Bhangra should read Birmingham x

Thank you vicky. Your idea of going to the carols at the church sounds lovely.

AFM quick update- curiosity got the better of me at 5am this morning when i awoke needing to wee and still no sign of AF. Did a test and got a faint BFP so off to the chemist soon to ransack them of tests just to make sure.

Love to all xx

kayleigh I'm sitting here quietly with my fingers crossed for you. report back when you have time x x

Sorry I haven't been reading guys, I'm not in the UK at the moment.

Wanted to say I'm thinking of you missa, hope you are having a peaceful day.

Happy Christmas to all you angel mums. I do hope you are able to get through the festivities, I will be raising a glass to all on this thread tomorrow.

Just logging in to say I'm thinking of you today missalex and wishing you & dh a gentle day, with lots of smiles from J to help you through xx

Sorry to be brief but also thinking of all on this thread, even though I'm out of touch with all that's happening at the moment x

Sorry for not keeping up, but I'm thinking of you MissA. Love and floaty kisses to A xxx

Thinking of you all and crossing my fingers for you kayleigh. Report back soon!

I've had to admit defeat to my family today and let them manage all things festive as I'm just mentally and physically exhausted by the mc. I just hope the old wives tales about increased fertility etc post mc are true. Just having a little cry about this bummer of a year before I put my brave face back on and go to church.

Lots of love to you all xx

And of course a gentle and loving hug to you and your family MissA xx

Sorry I haven't updated much either! Have been trying to keep up when I'm up at all hours feeding ds

Am thinking of you today missa x

Fingers crossed for you Kayleigh, what a lovely Christmas present that would be

Hugs to you madem, you have had a tough year x

Visited dd's grave today and took ds for the first time.

Waves to everyone, hope everyone is as ok as can be x

Just popping in to wish you all as merry a Christmas as possible, I won't be able to log on tomorrow but just wanted to say I'll be thinking of you all and your angels tomorrow. Wishing you all so so much luck in your ttc quests for 2015 and for better years ahead. I'm hoping that I'll get the all clear to ttc again and will be able to pluck up the courage too.

It's 8 weeks today since we lost W, feels like a lifetime. I'm determined to be as upbeat as I can over Christmas for my dd's sake but I will have a quiet moment to myself tomorrow and shed a tear for our beautiful boy.

Lots of love to you all x

madem i'm not at all shocked to hear the mc has left you exhausted, and i'm glad you've been able to have a bit of time and space to yourself, i hope that has helped a little.

AFM well i did a first response test this afternoon and got a BFP! Going to do another first response in the morning with fmu to confirm though. I'm in a bit of shock i think as i really hadn't given ttc much thought this month what with school plays, choir concerts, birthdays and Christmas.

I'll be thinking of all of you wonderful ladies, and of course our angels, and i truly hope that the festive period is gentle to you all. Lots of love xx

Thinking of you missa

Kayleigh!!! Gentle congratulations, so so pleased for you.

Wishing everybody a peaceful Christmas tomorrow and thinking of all our angel babies x

Kayleigh!!! That's brilliant news. Am pleased as punch for you. Hoping for a smooth ride for Ben's little brother or sister.

Vicky I love panto (autocorrect wanted to change that to 'pants' ) sometimes a little silliness and distraction is just the ticket for a broken heart. Carols sound lovely.

Madem it's been a shitter of a year and I just hope that 2015 will be better. Really hope you're being lovingly and gently looked after. The aftermath of a mc after a loss really is the pits. Sending love.

Missalex I have been thinking of your baby girl all day. Sending peace and light to your little family, J and A, linked together through time and space.

Cake I forget sometimes how recent and fresh your loss is - you write so eloquently but your pain must be so vivid. I look back and you could not pay me all the money in the world to go through those awful first months again. They are so vivid and so painful. You must still be reeling from it. Hope you're getting lots of support from family this Christmas. It is a bloody hard time of year when someone so precious is missing. Also, I thought of you the other day when watching a GBBO episode on iplayer and felt inspired to do a little baking. Xx

Brilliant Kayleigh . X

Just a quick stop to hope that Christmas is gentle to everyone.

Congratulations on your BFP Kayleigh that's lovely news

Oh kayleigh you so deserve this! It's been a lucky few weeks on this thread in terms of BFPs. Let's all pray and hope it continues and they all end with healthy babies. Merry Christmas to you xx

Please send love and hope to some other friends of ours whose 2nd son, about 9 months old, has just been diagnosed with bacterial meningitis. He is having all sorts of scans and tests done and seems stable now but the swelling in his brain is very serious, as was his temperature for several days. We are all so worried.
What is it with this year? Why do all our babies seem so unsafe? Or is that just life?
On dark days, I wonder whether we actually should even bother trying for another one. Everything about having a baby exposes you to so much pain and the chance for such huge loss and ache. But the counterpart, the love and the joy, are just incredible. I shed several tears of utter love, amazement and joy watching our little girl understand and "get" Christmas for the first time this year. So bittersweet, but ultimately so touching.
Sorry I'm rambling. I'm ok really, I'm just sad for our close friends who lost their little girl this month, it's really so haunting... and now our friends who tonight are watching their baby boy fighting meningitis, whilst I am at home and surrounded by my loving family and listening to the sound of my daughter squealing with delight. Life is good, but hard, but good.

Sending love to all of you and particularly to all the new names I feel I haven't taken the time to connect with yet. You are all incredibly inspirational and I'm so very grateful to have found this thread. x

What lovely news to see at christmas kayleigh. Congrats.

Just popping by to say im Hoping christmas is kind to everyone and im thinking of all our angels. X

madem i'm sending lots of get well wishes to your friends and their son today, please keep us updated when you can.

Well the first response test this morning also gave a BFP so i'm certain now. So i'll be ringing the doctors first thing Monday morning as my consultant will want to see me asap. My mum's thrilled, the news gave her something to smile about after my Auntie passing.

I hope today is gentle to everyone, lots of love xx

Kayleigh wow what a fantastic Christmas gift, I am absolutely thrilled for you, will be praying for an uneventful nine months for you.

Madem so sorry to hear about your friends, please let their LO pull through

Thank you to the lovely ladies who were thinking of our precious A yesterday. It was an incredibly tough day, made bearable by having J with us. Hope you all manage to get through today with at least some moments of happiness, however they may happen.

Thinking of you all xx