Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for rainbows

[missalexandra]

New thread ladies, hope it brings us all good luck.

Cake Sorry to hear you're having a tough time too. I totally understand about the results being a milestone to get through. I think maybe it's easier to cope by taking things day by day or milestone by milestone. I can't imagine how heartbreaking it must be to deal with your daughter asking those questions. But just remind yourself of the amazing strength you've had to have gotten through these first 7 weeks, just take things day by day.

If there is anything that I have learnt it's not to think about the what ifs. It's very easy to think if you'd just done this or not done that then it might not have happened. I've found it has just caused more pain than it's worth.

I hope the appointment is of some comfort for you. It's difficult being supportive when you are struggling your self so hopefully seeing the psychologist will help you both with coping/support strategies. I think it's normal to have high and low points, I'm feeling more positive today but was absolutely bereft the other day and others I just feel numb. I don't think tgere is a right or wrong way to grieve but we need to be mindful not to be taken over by it completely.

x

Hi all,

After a few days of pondering the autopsy results I'm still in an emotional black hole. I have this nagging feeling that something has been overlooked. I feel nauseous just thinking about it.

Madem, I do think it is a step. At least there were no obvious medical reasons for our sons death. But it still hurts just as much, and now I can't stop thinking about the fact that I worked until the day before he died and that I was really stressed at work. This was the first question I asked my doctor at the hospital and she said that stress will not be the reason. But who can say for sure when there's no other answers? I just know if I ever get pregnant again I will do things differently.

Kayleigh, my doctor said the same thing to me. But you're right, there's no comfort in that. She actually tried to prepare me for this - she said the autopsy would most likely not give any more clues. I had an ultrasound just a few days before it happened and everything looked normal so there was no reason to worry. I can't tell you how much I wish we knew better.

We chose not to have a funeral but to keep our sons ashes at home in a beautiful urn. We have a sunlit single shelf in our bedroom just for him, where we can put fresh flowers and grieve in peace and quiet. Did anyone else choose not to have a funeral? When he died I was so crazy with sorrow that I think trying to plan a funeral and letting go of our sons remains would have just finished me off completely. We just don't have a special place that felt right to spread the ashes and we are not religious. Maybe at some point we will have a memorial for friends and family but for now he stays with us. Will this make our grief harder to work with? I've been told that it is important to have a funeral but my gut told me it wasn't the right time or place.

This morning I was trying to think of a way to honor our son and how to incorporate him into our Christmas Celebrations this year but everything I could think of just felt so forced. So instead I've decided that the 23rd will be his day and on that day we can think of him and let ourselves be sad. Maybe give him some fresh flowers and just grieve. I couldn't imagine going to a church I'd never been to before to light a candle for him in a place without meaning to us. I was thinking about a special Christmas ornament but that felt forced too. Maybe trying to map all these things out is too soon for me. I just try to do what feels honest.

Love and thanks to you all.

Xa

Annaelisabeth we didn't have a funeral either for Edie. We had a cremation service. Her ashes are at home with us, we originally did think we would scatter her ashes somewhere but once we had them returned we've just kept them at home. Feels right to have them here, don't see that changing anytime soon. Hope that helps x

We had a funeral but it was only as my family had a lot of involvement with her too so wanted somewhere everyone could visit, we had her ashes buried with my nan.

Am not religious but it just felt right that they were together.

X

We went alone to have her cremated, we carried her coffin in together and had a few minutes to say goodbye. Her ashes are in her room, like you we couldn't think of a place special enough to scatter them. I don't feel having that small service has made any difference to our grieving process. You do what is right for you at the time. I'm so sorry the results haven't brought you any answers or comfort.

Thank you ellie xx

anna absolutely do what feels right for you, as you say nothing forced and you can only go with your gut instinct, there is no right or wrong. I'll be thinking of you on 23rd xx

We had a service for family and friends and a cremation, and have kept W's ashes at home. It's just what felt right at the time, I changed my mind many times over the few days we had to think about it but just went with what dh and I felt suited us. We're not religious at all so it was just a short but personal service. My dh read W a bedtime story, I don't know how he got through it but it's one our dd loves and he wanted it to the part of the service. Funeral or not, I honestly don't think it makes a difference to how your grieve. Xx

Been a hectic weekend as I've been working nights again! Makes it hard when you are TTC feels a bit forced at the moment as we are struggling to even find time when we are both at home together!!

Anna we still haven't found a way to involve E in our Christmas time, I like to think I'll either find something that suddenly seems perfect or more likely just muddle through and eventually figure something out.

We had a funeral for E although I wouldn't really call it a funeral it was really just a graveside burial. There was just me, DH, the hospital chaplain who blessed E when she was born and a man who I think was from the funeral director. We didn't really plan any of it the bereavement midwives at the hospital took care of all of it for us. The chaplain emailed me with some poems, bible verses and readings and asked if I wanted to pick some. I chose a couple of poems and my DH wanted the chaplain to chose a couple of bible verses for us. We have a little order of service that the chaplain made for us which is in E's memory box. I think you just need to take things slow, everything will fall into place at some point. I certainly had a tendency to rush myself to get to the otherside of this grief only to realise there is no otherside, it's not something I'll ever be over. I certainly cope better generally as the weeks go by but I too an still very early in this journey, E would have been 16 weeks old yesterday and 4 months on Xmas day!
One thing that has helped me process things now that I'm back at work is makin sure I have a weeks holiday every 4-6 weeks at the moment. It gives me chance to be able to focus on my grief and our little girl as I sometimes feel with going back to work full time that life is rushing on by and I don't always have the time to think about E as much as I'd like to.

Hope the run up to Christmas is going well for everybody

Vicky, Ducky, EllieandAnna, Cake, Lake and all of the ladies on this thread, I don't know how I'd get through the days without you. I've never seen such dignity and grace as I do in your words of compassion. Some say that good things happen to good people but on this thread it is evident that the worst of the crappy things that can happen in life happens to the very best of people. I know many of you think you're not very strong and that you don't have a choice but to carry on, but it takes a whole lot of courage and heart to help others like you do. Thank you. Xxa

ellie i'll be thinking of you tomorrow, i hope your appointment goes as ok as it can. I also put a brave face on things after Ben, but that was my coping. I've always been the person others come to with their worries- but i won't burden anyone with mine. The only problem with that is i do tend to have the odd meltdown when everything gets too much, which probably isn't very productive but hey.

cake sorry to hear you're having a tough time at the moment. I hope your appointment with the psychologist helps

anna we had a funeral for Ben, but it was only close family and friends. The funeral took place at the church both my older children were christened at, and i have family also buried there. I think what bereaved parents choose to do with their child's remains is a very private decision- there's no right or wrong thing to do. I'll be thinking of you and your family on the 23rd

AFM i'm still in the process of decorating the house. DH did try to do it but it all looked wrong so i've had to rectify it (personally i think he did it wrong on purpose). I've had to take Ben's footprint tree decoration off the Christmas tree as DD wouldn't stop messing around the tree and if the tree fell over it would be sod's law that Ben's would be the one that got broken.

Love to all xx

Just got back from the consultant, there was no reason for why it happened. I just don't get it, no reason at all?! All this time I have put it down to placental abruption as they said that at the time and at least it wasn't anything I had control over. It's really knocked me off my stride that it was just 'one of those things'. Can't face going back to work today and seeing all the babies, feel as though it's taken me right back to the beginning. He recommended I wait 6 months before we try again, didn't bother to tell him we are trying now though. Currently surrounded by my animals....cuddling furry things makes it better!

Hope everyone else is doing ok x

Sorry you didn't get any answers Ellie, they also told me there was no reason and my placenta 'just stopped working', my consultant (who was not good with words) said to me 'it's just bad luck' they also told me to wait months before TTC but I fell pregnant after one AF. I think they say that more for your mental health to make sure you are ready to deal with another pregnancy but I think it's a completely personal decision. X

EllieandAnna, I'm seeing a high risk doctor/consultant in January but as I've already received all the facts from my doctor I know we will hear the same thing as you. They don't know why it happened to me either and it really sucks. I had a perfect pregnancy and there were no warnings at all of my abruption. I was given the last of our test results last week and since then I've been confused and sad. My husband and I were told to wait three months and at least one cycle before trying again. I think we will start in January. I'm now on CD4 of my second period since we lost our beautiful boy and although I couldn't detect ovulation last month I'm hopeful for December even if we're not trying yet. I have a digital monitor and I would LOVE to see a little egg on that screen in around ten days.

Like Ducky we were told that loosing our son was really "bad luck". Knowing now all too well how common stillbirth is I find it shocking how little research has been done to try to find more answers. Especially "unexplained" placental problems make my blood boil.

Kayleigh, thanks for sharing. I think you're right. My husband and I don't have family anywhere near where we live but if we did I think a funeral might have made more sense.

Getting ready to see my boss to discuss my return to work in January. Cross fingers it goes well.

Love to everyone.

Xxa

It's a week of consultants then as I have a meeting tomorrow as well! Mainly to find out results for bloods to see if my antiphospholipid level was still raised 12 weeks after birth or not. He sent placenta report in the post so know what happened there. I spoke to a lovely kind lady at Tommy's after Edie's birth and she said she refuses to accept that this is one of those things and just bad luck. She was passionate about it and truly believes more talking about the issue and research needs doing, such a kind lady.

Sending hugs to all x

ellie I'm sorry the consultants meeting didn't give you any answers, it seems so many people are told it's just one of those things which I'm sure it us in some cases but surely not so many? Or perhaps I'm just desperately wanting more answers like you. Still no consultant appointment here, I really hoped to hear something before Christmas just so we gave a fixed date to focus on ahead, but I doubt we will hear now. I'm very much expecting to be told it was just one of those things about why I went into labour early but I have a list of questions I want ask, even if the answer is 'we don't know' I think it will help me to simply air those questions. I also really want to ask about ttc as I had an emcs in the end but I'm now 38 so time is not on my side if we do decide to ttc...

anna how did your meeting with your boss go? Hope it was ok and they're being supportive x

vicky fingers crossed for your meeting tomorrow x

Afm, psychologist appointment tomorrow which I'm glad about as I do find the sessions help and dh is struggling a lot at the moment so hope it will help him. Dd has been asking again why we can't bring our baby home, it breaks my heart.

Thanks everyone. Not sure what I was expecting, suppose I just wanted a reason. It almost feels like he said she died for nothing. I feel terrible but I can't help but feel angry and jealous of all these people who have had a child with no difficulty, I know I shouldn't. Seeing my 6mo niece on Sunday, she will be the first baby I'll have held since it happened, really hoping it doesn't set me off! Work have been lovely though so that's a positive! Had one pregnant lady ask how Anneliese was and I felt awful having to tell her as not only was it awkward for her but I can imagine it preyed on her mind, being pregnant her self.

Ducky Hope you and baby are doing well! Consultants don't have the best bedside manner do they! I'm not bothering with waiting to ttc, don't think I can. Also the main point he pressed was mental health and help with dating the pregnancy, I don't feel as though that's an issue for me.

Anna I hope your wait to see the consultant isn't too bad and you have lots of lovely things to distract you during your wait. My husband is returning to work in January too, at least you get Christmas and new year out of the way. My husband keeps saying new year, new start, think that's a nice way to think of it.

Vicky I will be thinking of you tomorrow. I think any kind of appointment related to what happened can easily bring up feelings you thought you had dealt with, I hope it goes well for you. I feel the same about it too, surely nobody dies for no reason. It is only by coming on here and seeing how many poor ladies have joined in such a short space of time that I have realised how often it happens. It's just terrible.

Love to everybody else, hope you're all more organised than me- have a feeling I'll be finishing my Christmas shopping at Christmas Eve at this rate!

Cakebaker if you don't mind me asking how early did you go into labour? I ask because my DS was born at 33 weeks after a textbook pregnancy until that point, they never found a reason why I went into labour early with him x

Cake Sorry, I missed your post. Sorry to hear you haven't had a date through yet. I chased it up and I think it did make a difference as to when igot seen. I hope you get your answers soon, like you said even if it is 'we don't know', at least you have an answer and start to move on. Hope the psychologist appointment goes well, my husband is also struggling and I really feel for you having to answer your little girls questions along with supporting your husband and dealing with your own grief.

Hi everyone,

Cake, the meeting went surprisingly well. My boss was so accommodating and willing to listen to what I had to say. I will start working from home in January on a couple of projects and maybe start coming to the office a few days a week later in the month. It was a huge hurdle for me and I'm so happy it went well.

I've seen a bunch of people now since our son died, and I've come to realize that the moment right before you meet your friend/relative/coworker is the scariest. After that it gets easier. I'm fortunate enough to be working for a smallish company and everyone knows what happened so at least there won't be any horrible "how's the baby" moments when I'm there. I'm planning to go to the Christmas Party on Friday just to show my face but the nearer we get to Friday the crazier I think it is of me to go. I thought it would be nice to see everyone outside of work at time when the focus isn't on me. Tell me if you think I'm mad.

Sending love to everyone.

Xxa

vicky no I don't mind you asking at all, I went into labour at 27 wks, super fast labour resulting in an emcs as they think I had a placental abruption, but that was during labour, not the cause if that makes sense. I'd had very heavy bleeding in early pregnancy, from weeks 6-15, as I had a clot and so thought i miscarried many times during that time. I had scans pretty much every week and W was amazingly fine in there. From week 15 onwards I was fine, no issues at all. Only about 2 weeks before I went into labour did I really let myself believe it was all going to be ok and to start planning for our new ds. How wrong can you be.

I also had an mmc of twins in March this year, so to say I'll be glad to see the back of 2014 is an understatement. I can't help feeling there must be some connection between the mmc, the bleeding and ultimately why I went into labour early, but I was told at the time there's probably no connection. As I've had a healthy dd born at full term they suggested it's even more likely that it's just one of those things. My GP said she will chase my appointments for me if I've heard nothing after Christmas as I'm meant to see obstetrics and neonatal consultants for reviews.

ellie thank you, yes dealing with dd is really tough but it's a double edged sword as some days she is the only reason to get out of bed and she is so funny and busy and crazy like all 3 year olds that she does bring light into the dark days. But some days it is so so hard to deal with her questions and to just try and be normal mummy. Today she was drawing and I asked her what it was and she said oh this is baby W, this is his special bed and that's his doctor. Broke my heart but at the same time I'm so glad she has a memory of her brother too.

anna that's great news your meeting went so well, what a relief x and no of course you're not crazy to go to the party, it's a good way of getting that first 'meeting' with everyone done and you can always just leave if it suddenly feels too much. As you say, it's that first thought of seeing everyone that's hard and it's ok on you do it. And of course if on the day you change your mind and don't want to,then that's fine too, they will understand. X

Sorry for the essay everyone, I had planned on an early night but just can't sleep. X

cakebaker thank you for sharing your story with me x doesn't it just suck to be one of the people who all these 'special' rare things happen to!

I've just got back from consultant, my bloods are back to normal now so no Hughes or antiphospholipid syndrome going on there. A different consultant I've been speaking to did say just to take baby aspirin if we get pregnant again in the future anyway. We do know how Edie died, the fetal haemorrhage was just massive, she lost nearly all her blood into me my poor little girl. I did quite angrily pick my consultant up when he called her a he during the appointment today. No reason for why she lost her blood, one of the parts that should have worked just failed, like any of our bodies could do at any time. Apparently it is so rare there are no percentages about recurrence etc. not sure whether to find that heartening or not!

Cake, thanks. I may just bail on the whole thing. Like you say hopefully they won't blame me if I do.

It is a double edged sword to try keeping things together for our daughter. I try to focus on the positives but it is so damn hard. Her little brother should have been four months now and she would have loved him so much. She's the most amazing little girl and I feel I've robbed her of the most precious gift one could ever wish for. He looked exactly like she did when she was born - only more boyish. He was so beautiful and chubby and prefect in every way. Such a waste.

I can't wait to wave goodbye to 2014. What a horrible year.

Just been to the gym. Tears started rolling on the treadmill. I don't think anyone saw me. The baby weight is starting to come off which is both so sad and relieving. I feel like everything I do and say these days has a double meaning.

Do any of you have thyroid problems? My mum said she did when she was younger and apparently so did my grandmother. She said it can worsen confusion, forgetfulness etc. I just think it's grief.

Vicky, sorry about the consultant getting the gender wrong. You'd think they'd look at your files BEFORE you get there. My doctor hinted at me that I should take baby aspirin if I were to get pregnant again but I didn't have a clot? I don't quite get why it would help me.

Xxa

Hello all,

I've just had the time to read back on all your stories, heartbreaking and heartwarming.
It's so sad that there's been a few of us join very recently. But on a positive note, I've counted 5 BFPs in the last month or so, really lovely to see. Lets hope the post brings luck to the rest of us.
A common theme in the last few posts is how many of have no explanation for what went wrong - and were told it was baad luck. Me too - 'I think you were just very unlucky' were my consultants words.
Cake don't stop chasing for your appointment, I also chased and got it moved earlier, I think it definitely helps. I really hope they offer you an internal scan to look at your uterus, hearing about your mmc and bleeding I am not at all surprised that you suspect as a connection, as I would feel exactly the same.
I spent quite a lot of time reading stories on the Bliss website after G died, and I remember a couple of people who had lost not one but two babies due to incompetent cervix, and then sucessfully carried the third to term with a cervical stitch. It made me so angry that they weren't checked after they lost number one, and I did NOT want that to be me.
Plus, I hope your psychologist appt went well today and you get a good nights sleep tonight.

Anna I'm glad to hear your work meeting went well. I reckon, just see what you feel like on Friday. Don't put pressure on yourself to go if you don't feel like it. Or who knows, you might be in the mood for a party, or at least getting those first meetings out the way so you don't stress about it over Christmas.

Vicky glad to hear that your bloods are back to normal, and sorry that you had such an inconsiderate consultant

I've just about given up on a bpf this month, as I can feel AF grumbles and had a bit of spotting. Hopefully she'll turnup tomorrow, as the sooner she arrives the sooner I'll be on a new cycle. Tested bfn on CD 29,31,33 and 35, now on CD36, so my cycles seem to be getting longer and longer . I'm looking on the bright side (or at least trying to) - Christmas boozing and not feeling sick, then a fresh start in the new year as I think my shaggathon will need to start around the 1st Jan.

SIL had her first baby yesterday, so DP is now an uncle. I'm relieved that mum and baby are both doing well, but finding the photos really tough to see. G's first cousin. A little girl as well. We will meet her on New Years Eve, so I hope I will have the strength to give her a cuddle and fall in love with my new niece. Ellie I'll think of you on Sunday.

Waves to everyone
x

Town, my friend lost a boy due to an incompetent cervix but carried to term with a stitch after, she was on bed rest most of her pg with it.
Hope it goes ok meeting SIL baby x

ellie sorry the consultant meeting wasn't as helpful as you'd have liked, it's really rubbish when nobody can give you a definite reason why. I hope Sunday is gentle on you.

anna glad to hear your meeting with your boss went well. Personally i don't think you're mad for wanting to go to the Christmas party, but on the flip side if you really don't feel up to it when the time comes i'm sure your colleagues will understand.

vicky i'm pleased for you that your bloods are back to normal, but how awful with regards to the consultant saying he instead of she! I don't blame you at all for correcting him.

town i can completely relate to you finding the baby photos hard- i still find them difficult to deal with to be honest. I'll be thinking of you on New Years Eve.

Love to all xx

Thanks Ducky, that's very good to hear. It just goes to show what the docs can do if they find a cause... which is why it's so frustrating when they can't.
Luckily my cervix is fine, but I only know that because I went to see a second consultant who recommended the scan for me. The first consultant just played the 'you were unlucky' tune and was happy to leave it at that. Ok, so they didn't actually find anything new...but I feel a lot more comfortable TTC knowing that the obvious stuff has been checked.
Cake, I was given an excellent free book from Tommys website called 'having a premature baby' that went through a lot of the common causes. I used it to prepare for my consultant meeting. Although be warned, of course it has a lot of stuff about babies and surviving the NICU/taking them home, which you may not want to read.
x