Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for rainbows

[missalexandra]

New thread ladies, hope it brings us all good luck.

Oh critter how tragic much love to your friend, life is so unfair doesn't even bare thinking about.

I know guys. I am so deeply sad for her. It just makes me feel like this is all totally out of our hands. If lightning can strike twice, to a lovely person, then anything can happen. It's all such a crapshoot and we have so little control over it.

owl that must be so hard to have people asking if your rainbow is your first.

madem will you have a nice doctor looking after you for this pregnancy? Hope it's starting to sink in.

ducky I hope you're feeling a little better and your OH is looking after you and your sweet little man. Glad you spoke to them about your poor care, that is not on.

lake thinking of you this Christmas and sending lots of love.

Critter I hope so, I'm calling the Fetal Medicine Unit today as that's what they kindly told me to do as soon as I was pregnant again.

Sending warm and gentle hugs to everyone x

madem i'm happy you got a positive test. How awful about your school friend's daughter, i'm sure your friend will appreciate you being a the funeral after everything you've been through, and yes it will no doubt be hard for both you and your DH.

Tulip sorry you're having a hard time, although i do know what you mean about feeling guilty if you avoid those hard times.

critter how awful for your online friend too, gosh life is so rubbish at times, it really is.

AFM well our Christmas tree is up (partially anyway- DH and the kids are finishing it after school). I'm feeling rubbish, like i'm coming down with something (runny nose and iffy toilet trouble). It's my birthday next Friday and normally i'd be all excitable and this year i'm just not. I suppose it's to be expected.

Sending hugs to those that need them and love to all xx

Madem gentle congratulations to you I'm sorry about your friend, how very awful.

Critter, my heart was thumping so hard in my chest when I read about your friend. How horrendous. How can this happen? Losing one baby is stiflingly painful but two?! I pray your friend gets through this. I am not sure if I would want to live if that happened to me, i remember when I lost 'A' all I could think that I wish God had taken me and not him. Sorry for being so morbid

Kayleigh glad your Christmas tree is up even if partially! I have a birthday coming up too, the second one infact without 'A'. No Happy birthday mummy cards for me again this year, but I am glad we are busying ourselves by visiting relatives. I remember last year too well, only a few months after losing 'A' and the grief still very fresh, so please all be gentle with yourselves this Christmas and New Year and do whatever you need to to get through it

critter I'm lost for words, how utterly utterly terrible. How anyone copes with losing two babies like that is unimaginable. Terrifying too as you always hope lightening doesn't strike twice but I know from hearing stories like this and my own experience that it can. It's just not fair.

madem thrilled for you, it's lovely to hear about good news too to balance all the awful stuff

little I'm sorry you're having a tough time, I recognise those feelings, sending bug hugs x

Sorry not to name check everyone but got to rush off to the docs as it looks like I might have a lovely infection down below. The fun just continues

I hope they can sort out the infection for you very quickly cake.
kayleigh I'm glad you've managed to put at least some of the tree up, well done you brave mama. Having older dc is a blessing I think, in that it has forced me to carry on. So I don't carry on exactly like normal, but from the outside, near enough.

Oh madem, your poor friend how awful.

And critter that was my biggest ever fear. Life can be so cruel. I cannot even imagine the pain she is going through right now.

Owl, I'm getting better at saying no.. Then they go on to say something like ohhh how old is the other one which I usually say 'she was stillborn' most people shut up... Some people don't know how

Cake hope the infection clears quickly
Love to everyone x

tulip it's not morbid - I felt the same after J. I didn't want to die, because I didn't want to leave MrC and my family on their own. But I would quite happily have gone into a six month coma. Having it happen twice is every bereaved parent's worst living nightmare. Weirdly, it does make you realise how little control we have over any of this.

cake so sorry about the infection, it's always miserable having something not right downstairs. Do you make cakes as per your user name?

ducky how are you feeling? Are you healing ok and breastfeeding? It's odd but even having had a baby I have no idea what it's like to care for a newborn!

madem that's great news that you'll be calling the maternal fatal medicine specialists. You will need lots of TLC with this pregnancy.

kayleigh well done for getting the tree up. I'm a December birthday too and like you it is usually my favourite time of year but this year has kind of sucked.

I have cried a lot since getting pregnant again - fear of losing this one, the scariness of the on-off bleeding, painful memories of how innocently joyful and excited I was during my first pregnancy with J - but I am finding it easier to be pregnant again than to still be TTC and doing IVF frozen cycles post-loss. I feel like at least I am moving towards something, some hope at the end of the blackness, even though now I know that it is in no way guaranteed that I will have a baby at the end of this. I really hope that our TTC ladies get good news soon. It is unbelievably horrible to have TTC and fertility misery on top of a loss. Sending you ladies extra special hugs. Hang in there.

I'm doing good now I'm back at home, but I think the way everything happened in the birth has traumatised me. I can't stand anyone else touching ds and I want to hold him constantly, other people holding/touching him makes me want to scream. I think it's because of them whisking him away and I didn't know where he was. Am waiting for an appointment to find out more about my birth and why certain things happened.

The other day I was lying in bed with ds on my chest and all of a sudden I started really panicking and I thought 'omg I haven't felt him kick all day!!!' :,) took me a few mins to realise! Oh dear I'm really losing it!

Love to everyone x

Thank you all, the docs gave me a thorough check and think I've an infection of the womb lining, yuck, so penicillin for me. She prescribed me the type you can drink with as she said after what I've been through a couple of drinks at Christmas should be the least I can expect! My GP is very nice.

critter yes I bake a lot of cakes, love love doing it and eating them too. I don't do it professionally but have considered it once or twice.

ducky glad you're home x after everything you've been through I think it sounds totally understandable and normal to feel like you do. I had a traumatic time when I had dd and found the birth afterthoughts meeting incredibly useful to understand what went on and I felt alot calmer after it, I really hope you do too. Just keep talking, keep telling us and anyone in rl how you feel x

ducky I think how you're feeling must be normal, it's certainly how I felt too, without the traumatic delivery. I still don't really like anyone I'm not close to holding her but its eased off so I'm alright with family and good friends. I'd just go with it for now & don't push yourself to do something you're not comfortable with. And the 'oh no, I've not felt her move!' panicky thoughts have gradually calmed down too.

cakeyour gp sounds great! Hope you're feeling better soon.

madem congratulations so pleased for you :)

critter that's just so awful :( your poor friend.

Waves to all

I feel awful... Especially as the feeling is worse when my husband holds him

Aww ducky, hope that soon passes. I know I used to wake up a lot afterwards to check baby wS still there. I was panicky the first few weeks. That soon passed when the colic set in. Didnt have time to panic as the only thing to settle her was a walk in the pram or car drive.

Critter, that is so awful about your friend. Everyones worst nightmare. To lose one is devestating. To lose two, I cannot even imagine. The drs always say how your chances are low of it happening again, but luck wasnt on our side that time so I take nothing for granted anymore.

Owl, it is always difficult when people ask if its your first, or how many you got, and then interrogate you of ages. I have 3 girls but only have two now. One lady asked me if it was first whilst I was pregnant so I said third. Of course she asked ages and I had no choice to then tell her that dd was stillborn. She was upset and a nice lady, I felt so bad afterwards as she then told me she was pregnant. It doesnt get easier anytime a stranger asks my heart literally stops and I have to think how to word what I have to say.

Cake, sorry about infection. Its a pile of crap , one thing after another. 10 weeks after I had given birth I suddenly started bleeding very heavily. Clots were just falling out if me, big ones. I rang my dr in a panic, I felt I was bleeding to death. She palmed me off. Told me it was normal and to ring back after weekend if it was still heavy, or go a&e if colour changed or smelt. Luckily monday it started to ease off and let up. Did anyone else experience a bleed like that after 10 weeks of any birth?

Congrats madem. I had a gut feeling when I started reading this thread that by the time id caught up to the current day that youd be breaking the good news. Even after you posted about the day after being no line I just knew this was your time. Its weird as I dont even know you. But im so happy for you! Congrats again

Thanks tulip I'll be really busy on my actual birthday as Brian has a physio assessment and me and DH will go up and visit Ben's grave at some point and there'll be family wanting to pop round too, then i'll be having drinks with friends on the Saturday.

ducky glad you're back home now, but sorry to hear you're finding it hard after the trauma of the birth. I hope that feeling eases off for you.

cake sorry to hear about your infection, although how nice of your gp to give you medication you can have a drink on- as you say it's the least you deserve.

AFM well the Christmas tree is up, with the ceramic decoration featuring Ben's footprints taking pride of place. I didn't think placing a decoration on the tree would upset me but it did. Me and DH went up to the grave today to place the lovely winter arrangement my cousin did for Ben, and it was horrible- i shouldn't be buying presents for 3 DC's instead of thinking of what time on Christmas day we'll be going to the grave. I just wish none of us had gone through this

xxx

Hi all, TGIF. Long couple of days at work.

I couldn't reply yesterday as critter your post made me so sad. I've heard so many sad stories over the last year, and I don't know if I'm just more sensitive because of losing my own, or because I've hit the mid-30s and more of my friends are going through these awful things. Having gone through hell myself this year I still feel lost for words at others stories.

cake I hope you feel better soon.
ducky give him all the cuddles you need and try not to give yourself a hard time about it. These first few weeks must be so precious.

madam, how exciting!! I'm really hoping I can join your bfp this month.

kayleigh the footprint decoration sounds lovely, and of course its going to make you emotional, but so right that he will be there to be visibly remembered and part of Christmas. Can I ask for a description of it? I may be copying ideas...

AFM I'm trying to stay chilled about ttc, but has already poas twice this week despite knowing its too early. Problem is, I'm really irregular. My last 3 cycles were 32,32,36 days in length. I'm 30 days in today, poas yesterday at 29 days and it was a bfn, not unsurprisingly. I was so chilled out for number one, and now I'm kicking myself because I just want to know and I'm becoming slightly too obsessive for my liking. Think I'm going to try and hold out until Sunday (32 days) before poas again... unless AF arrives of course and then I won't need to bother.

Bizarrely, one of my biggest 'little' worries about getting pregnant (the 'big' ones being going in to labour early and the health of my child) is what do I say when people ask 'is this your first'? Makes me feel sad thinking about it. Still, got to get past the ttc hurdle first!

We're going to G's grave on 21st December. We've moved house since she was born, and so she's buried about 1h 15 drive away, so we only go every month or so. Her headstone should be up by then, so it will be an emotional visit.

I've thought of a few ways round the 'is he your first' question. Sometimes I say, 'yes he's my oldest'. Sometimes I say 'he's my only at the moment'. Sometimes I just say yes if the person asking is just being polite, like if its a passer by or shop assistant or the like. Toddler and baby group mums are the hardest to judge, when is the right time to mention it? Now rainbow is 9 months I feel I've got the balance right, most of my mum friends know but hopefully it's not the only thing they think of when they see me. I don't feel too bad when i say yes to people I'll never see again, they are only being polite and making conversion, but I do feel a bit bad when it's people I know a bit better. I hope I've explained that OK.

ducky you need to give yourself a chance to recover. I felt traumatised reading about your birth experience, so I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling. As cake said, maybe consider talking it though with the hospital just to clarify what happened? I hope you are enjoying the cuddles through.

Waves to everyone else, and cuddles to the rainbows.

Hi everyone,

I'm sorry about going straight to the point. Our sons final autopsy results just came back. Nothing was wrong with him. Nothing was wrong with my placenta. Nothing was wrong with me. How can you have a full placental Abruption when NOTHING is wrong? I don't get it.

So much love to you all and huge thanks to the ladies who let me know they are also suffering from bonkers symptoms like me this week. You got me through another few days in the world of the living. Thank you.

Xxa

Oh Anna , your words are so poignant. It is so unfair. That everything, EVERYTHING should be totally normal and fine and healthy and that at the last second, it's not. How awful. It's a haunting thought. None of us will ever be able to relax whilst pregnant ever again.

I hope that although the autopsy didn't bring any answer at all, it is at least some form of a step. I'm not sure in which direction and grief, as we know, is anything but linear, but it's a step all the same.

Ducky how are you feeling? How is your little man? I think of you lots and hope that you can speak to the hospital about everything.

Tahunny , at the risk of sounding completely bonkers, you're now the third person who says they knew. A friend told me last week that I was going to be pregnant very soon - she often has dreams that turn out to be premonitory. Another friend, who lives in Scotland, knows nothing about baby G and with whom we rarely speak, texted me on the day of the test with no line to say that I better watch out as a baby was coming. So weird! I hope this means that all sorts of uncontrollable energies of the universe are working positively to give us our much longed for rainbow.

Love to all x

Mademg, so happy to hear your wonderful news, fingers crossed for a boringly uneventful 8 months.
I'm so sorry to hear about your friends little girl, utterly heartbreaking.

I'm now at 34weeks and have my elcs booked for 15th jan, very anxious about it all. Still very hard to imagine bringing a live baby home.

Oh Blizy, we were together on the January thread! I am wishing the time away for both of us. I can't wait to hear your happy news, please keep us posted. Thank you for your kind words x

townsender the tree decoration is a ceramic disk on some string that has Ben's footprints on. DH's work paid for a lady to go to the funeral home and she printed Ben's feet and got moulds done of his feet (the mould is in a wooden frame in our hallway now). With regard to your question about what to answer people who ask how many DC's you have- i always say 3 now, and if they ask ages i'm open and honest about Ben, as i love my angel baby just as much as the older 2.

anna so sorry the autopsy results haven't given you any answers. We chose not to have an autopsy, despite me also having a rupture of the placenta. I do know that my consultant had tests done on my placenta and asked me to have bloods done 7 weeks after birth, and like you all results were normal. The doctor said it was "one of those things" but words cannot explain how unhelpful i found that.

Hi everyone. Maybe I need to come on more often, struggling to keep track so hope I don't miss anyone.

Little Sorry to hear you've been struggling. I often look through A's photos and think the same. At least we got to spend that precious time our your babies, nobody can ever take that away from us.
Ducky So glad you and your little one are back home. Don't worry about how you are feeling, after what you have been through I can imagine it must be very stressful. I don't think there is a right or wrong way to feel. If it makes you feel better my sil is the same and her baby was a perfect pregnancy and birth. And she is most uneasy with her partner too!
Madem I'm so so pleased you got your bfp, wishing you a stress free 8months. I am also so sorry for your friend, my heart goes out to her.
Kayleigh Glad you are managing the strength for your children to decorate the house, I've no idea how on earth you manage it.
Critter I really feel for your poor friend, I think it is all our worst nightmare, can't imagine what they're going through.
Townsender If you find out how to stay calm whilst ttc let me know! I tested too early too (mainly as we were purposely not too careful before actively ttc) As I fell pregnant within the first month for the last two pregnancies it really got to me when I got the negative. I'm also struggling with the 'is it your first' question as I work with mums and pregnant ladies. I don't want to upset them but I never want to deny the fact she existed. So difficult isn't it.
Anna I'm so sorry about not getting any answers. I to and fro between wanting there to be a reason and not. At least if there is no reason then there is nothing to say it would happen again. I'm sure that's no comfort to you at the moment though.
Blizy Hello and I wish you all the best for January.

I got a phonecall from the consultant yesterday. My appointment is Wed morning, not sure how to feel about it. I was in town finishing starting my Christmas shopping and I walked home with tears silently rolling down my face. I must have looked unhinged to anyone who noticed me, so glad it was dark! I feel very lonely at the moment, problem is it's all my own doing. I've spent so much time convincing everyone I'm fine so as not to upset them that I don't get so much as a 'how are you?' from anyone now. We're seeing sil next weekend and I'm dreading seeing her so happy with her baby whilst trying to act as if I'm fine. All this on top of looking after a struggling dh who can't eat or sleep and is absolutely foul at the moment!! Feels better to get it all out!

ellie just wanted to say I know that feeling of being lonely, grief is a very lonely place I've realised xx you can't be strong and try and protect everyone else all the time, sometimes you just need to say I'm really struggling which is so hard to do but sometimes it feels like a weight off your shoulders I think and those who really care for you will understand xx just wanted to send you hugs and to say I hope your appointment on weds goes well. I'm still waiting for a date and am getting more and more keen to do this, it feels like another milestone that needs to be dealt with to me.

As for what to say to people asking how many children/if it's your first, I'm also struggling with what to say. My dd will be starting a new pre school in jan and although I've told the staff there what has happened, I do wonder what to say when other parents ask. I think I will have to tell them as I don't want to pretend W never existed and also I'm going to know these people for a few years while dd is there so it would feel awkward to have to tell them later. It's crap any of us have to think about this.

It's almost 7 weeks since we lost W but feels like a lifetime, I can't remember how things used to feel when they were ok. And it seems to be getting harder, I'm really struggling to get out of bed . It's not been the best week generally with dd being full of cold so broken sleep, as well as asking lots of questions about why we can't bring our baby home. I'm taking antibiotics for an infection and it's made me wonder if I haven't had this for longer that I realised and perhaps that's why I went into labour early. Dh is also starting to struggle with everything is quite withdrawn. He's coped very well so far and I think it's catching up with him. I'm trying to encourage him to talk but he just says he's exhausted by it all and doesn't want to. It's hard, I know what he means but it feels very lonely at the moment. We have another psychologist appointment on Thursday so I hope that gives some comfort to us both.

Sorry for the self absorbed post, hugs to everyone who needs one today x