Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for rainbows

[missalexandra]

New thread ladies, hope it brings us all good luck.

They said if he had one lamp he could of been with me but as he needed two he has to be in scbu am going again in a bit to feed him an they will take some more blood to see if one of the lamps can come off but for some reason he still can't be with me. He's been so brave.

Just to rub salt in the wound the midwife that does the night shifts here is vile, she's constantly patronising me and telling me off like a child, I had no sleep since Saturday night (where I had 2 hours) I managed to get some today but it meant I took my tablets late so she's gone mad at me I was shaking with anger!

Am going to be putting in one hefty letter once I get out of here some of the staff have been amazing but some have been absolutely awful

Sorry to not check in on everyone, I'm all over the place at the moment

Am just hoping these next tests show he's making a good recovery and hopefully we won't be stuck in here for too long

X

Congrats madem, a line is a line however faint!

Cake, so sorry, didnt realise your loss was so recent. Sorry to hear you have a lump to worry over aswell. Try not to worry, lumps that come up quickly tend to disappear just as quick, I know, easier said than done ??

Vicky, good luck. I hope this month can also be your month along with madem.

Kayleigh, I feel the same as you. This is the second christmas our angel will miss. I couldnt wait to get past last christmas. If it hadnt been for dd, the tree wouldnt have even gone up. Im making the effort this year, but I feel sad that our special little girl cant be with us.

Ducky, wow. You are a trooper. I cant imagine how fightened you were going through that! The crash team rushing in would freak anyone out, let alone someone who has already lost a baby. Im so glad you got your happy ending after all that. I had 3 stitches with dd1 for superficial tears, and they hurt like hell. Couldnt sit down proper for 4weeks. Couldnt even go for a poo without feeling my insides were trying to escape! And it Felt like she did them with a knitting needle.
Hope baby ducky is back with you soon and you both make a speedy recovery

Hello everyone, it's getting late but I wanted to check in and see how Ducky was doing...
Ducky, thankyou for sharing your story, god knows how you have the energy to type after all that. Thinking of you and baby Ducky. You must have died inside when you saw he wasn't moving :-( horrible horrible horrible.

Ellie and Vicky, this will be our month!

Hello. Haven't been around for a long while (just keeping my head down and trying to keep going/stay positive) but I keep up to date with the thread every few days so I just wanted to post to wish Ducky huge congratulations on your rainbow. Sounds like you've had a horrific time and I really hope baby ducky is back out of scbu very soon so you can just cuddle him endlessly! I'm pretty sure we started our very sad journey as angel Mammys around the same time and it's so nice and reassuring to know that you now have your rainbow.

So saddening to see so many new people joining the thread, I wish none of us had to be here. But, it's a very supportive place to be. Wishing peace to everyone new and old to the thread.

Madem exciting news, keeping everything crossed for you!

AFM, we're 28+3 and some days I'm fine as baby is now moving a lot, however other days the anxiety is just too much and I get into such a negative tailspin and can't beleieve that things will work out. We're being scanned every two weeks which is reassuring and since transferring to a larger (much better hospital) an hour away, I've felt like the care is much better.

Sorry it's a quick post and run (really should be up and showered for work by now but been catching up on the thread and couldn't leave without posting!). Hoping everyone is as well as can be expected. Sending hugs x

Atm, hang in there. I remember bring 28weeks like it was yesterday and thinking how fast it had gone. Your baby will be here before you know it. I just wish we could fast forward the weeks for you. Wishing you well

Good luck also townsender and ellie and vicky

Hi ATM, we did lose our angels around the same time, I have been thinking of you. I found that time very difficult in my pregnancy and you sound just like me around 28 weeks. Are you having ctgs etc imbetween? X

Posted this earlier but it didn't post properly.....

Had soem good news last night, I went to feed him at 2 am after my first proper kip which made me feel like a completely different person! His levels are doing good and he has gone down to one lamp instead of 2 and he is eating really really well. He looks amazing.

When I first came up to this ward I was given a bottle and left to it with feeding (despite a horrible midwife waking me up every 3 hours shouting at me to feed and when he wouldn't just generally shouting some more instead of doing anything helpful) he was having 15 - 20ml an hour which is less than half the bottle. When he went to scbu it turns out I wasn't feeding him right, the ladies in scbu were amazing and sat down with me and showed me how to feed and burp him etc. he's now having a whole bottle and got that down really really quick. He's eatin so well thy were going to try his 5am feed as a 4 hourly one instead of 3 hourly.'they have offered to feed him then to allow me to get some sleep. They said the lack of food would have been a factor in him getting jaundice.

I feel like as a new mum you should be taught this stuff but on this ward they don't tell you anything! It's difficult because even though I have had a baby before, this is all very very new to me and I have no idea what I am doing!

Gt to keep my fingers crossed for his infection rate blood results to come back clear

Thank you to everyone on here for your support x

15 - 20 ml every 3+ hours not every hour*

Just been to see him and she said he's eaten more than a 4 hour feed

Will read back but just a quick update - no line this morning. Devastated.

Ducky, that's brilliant, well done. My LO had jaundice too, although he just managed to avoid the lamps. He had a tongue tie (which I asked the midwives at the hospital to check for and they said he didn't) and I also had trouble feeding, the midwives on the postnatal ward where I was really weren't very helpful with feeding, but luckily I got help from a breastfeeding clinic a week later (at the hospital). So glad that the midwives and nurses in SCBU have helped you and that he is doing well. A massive well done to you, it's not easy at the best of times let alone with a traumatic birth and SCBU to contend with x

Sorry madem, how early are you testing?

Sounds like it's going wellducky, you'll be home soon with any luck!

Ducky so sorry your little man is away from you but sounds like he is doing an amazing job. Hope you are recovering well hopefully you and your little man will be leaving hospital soon.

Madem are you testing very early? Fx that it's just a blip and you have your BFP

Much love to everyone else, I've been working nights again so will catch up properly soon

Madem did you use fmu? Maybe try again tomorrow morning? My BFP got lighter te second/third day of testing but then got darker again. Hope it is good news for you.

Someone from pals came round earlier and I had a bit of a breakdown about how horrible the night midwife has been and how I can't stand being away from my baby as it feels like last time. She left the room then came back a few mins later with the head midwife who apologised loads, sorted another midwife for the nights and then arranged for ds to be checked ASAP by the baby dr who agreed he can come off the lights and come back to my room I couldn't stand being away from him.

We have to go at midnight just to check his jaundice levels again and see if his infection results are back and hopefully it's good news and we can get out tomorrow

They said they think it will be good news as if there were any signs of infection it would have come back quicker.

So in love with my little man

Hugs to everyone x

Hi everyone,

Very happy for you Ducky! I told my husband about you when you were going to get induced and now he's asking to hear your updates. It's comforting to be able to talk about someone's success after knowing how it feels to loose a baby. So sorry about the idiot midwife and the scary delivery but so happy your little boy is getting better, I'm sure you will have him with you in no time.

Feeling so sad today. It's almost as if the grieving has gone from roller coaster to an even, persistent steady low. Does that mean progress or the opposite? It was a long time since I smiled and meant it. I get these little "shocks" of sadness through the day and they seem to release a bit of adrenaline every time so I find myself constantly on the edge, does that sound familiar to anyone? Really sensitive to loud noise too. I miss my old self but I guess I will never be that woman again.

Love to everyone.

Xa

Anna just wanted to say that I lost my little girl 10 weeks ago yesterday and I'm feeling exactly the same as you and I wasn't sure whether that was normal either-you aren't alone! I feel a constant sadness then have the realisation she's gone throughout the day. I feel like the constant sadness feels is but I do think it is progress.

Madem My heart sank when I read you got a negative, like others have said I hope it is just a blip.

Ducky So pleased you are finally with your little boy, such a shame that your hospital experience hasn't been very good. At least you'll be able to put it all behind you soon and enjoy your son.

Townsender Yes lets hope it's our month, fingers crossed for everyone ttc.

Well I spoke to work today and I'm going back next week, I'm nervous but have been wanting to go back for a couple of weeks. Hopefully dh will be ok, we got a kitten the other day so hopefully that will keep him distracted. Chased up the consultant agsin soon, will hopefully hear something by Friday about when our appointment will be. Was hoping we'd see someone before Christmas but it's not looking likely.

Hope everyone is doing ok, especially with it coming up to Christmas.

anna yes those feelings sound really familiar, you're not alone. I've had days if just strange numbness, then days of rollercoaster emotions and days of just raw awful grief, plus some moments of happiness which I almost feel guilty about but I know I must be glad to have them (they're mostly created by my dd) it's just 6 weeks ago that W passed away so it's all incredibly early days here, I just wish I had a fast forward button to the point where it feels a bit more okay. I'm so tired and worn out by my feelings and I too miss my old self.

ellie wishing you lots of luck for your return to work, very much hope your employer lets you ease into things gently. We too are waiting on a consultants appointment with the neonatal team, the waiting is frustrating isn't it as like you I think it will be the new year now. It turns out I should've been seen by obstetrics already but that appointment fell into a black hole, thankfully my gp noticed and chased up for me.

ducky fingers crossed you're able to go home soon, so lovely x

madem so sorry you're having a rollercoaster with testing, keeping everything crossed for you x

Annaelisabeth I know what you are saying about the old noises, it's silly isn't it how this awful experience we have all had not only has left emotional and psychological changes but physical as well. I find it really bizarre. I am normal ya really confident person when speaking, have to be for work, yet currently it makes me think twice before having do it. Something that I would never have had second thoughts about previously.

Cakebaker35 it's been 13 weeks for us, since having our placenta report back I have felt a lot more settled about it all. I feel better on the days when I force myself to focus on something, silly things like food shopping or housework, also I enjoy baking (great British bake off I am not) spending time during the day on things that I enjoy and get pleasure from which I wouldn't normally have time to do.

ducky sorry to hear about the awful midwife- i have to admit she sounds horrid, i'm glad things have improved after your talk with pals. I keep my fingers crossed that both you and baby can go home soon.

Madem sorry you've had a negative are you sure it's not a duff test so to speak?

ellie sorry to hear your appointment date still hasn't come through, that's frustrating in itself- i hope you get a date asap. I also hope your return to work is gentle

Well Brian's nativity was good, and i didn't feel too sad, although had Brian been anything other than the cutest donkey i've ever seen that may have been a different story . Love to all xx

Madem I'm sorry the result wasn't the one you were hoping for.

Ducky hope you and little one are doing well and possibly home now?

I have just been looking through 'A's old pictures on my phone. I took quite a few with DH, me cuddling and kissing him. I'm still in awe of how utterly gorgeous he was and I still can't believe we had him. 15 months on I still can't believe we lost him. It's crazy how some nights the feelings come back like I only just lost him. He looks so peaceful in his pictures. I am so glad I got to spend that time with him. I hope he is at peace now.

Sorry I think I'm rambling a bit but just wanted to get some thoughts down. Life has been so busy and hectic that sometimes I want to sit down and feel the pain I felt when I lost him. I want to smell his clothes and go through his memory box and cry. Today is one of them days, if I avoid it then I will just feel guilty.

Love you so much little one x

Little, sorry you are having a difficult time I find that I have those a lot... Especially as this week not only has it been an extremely emotional one but I was repeatedly asked 'is this your first?' It's lovely that you have so many pictures x

We are now back home

So many things that ring so true and absolutely spot on for me too: the loud noises, the difficulty to concentrate, feeling at loss for words... Grief does indeed feel like a physical sensation sometimes, like a very heavy, engulfing, stifling cloak. It feels so strange when it randomly lifts and you get moments of normal.

Little, I am so sorry it is one of those days. I get them a lot. I find them bitter sweet... I love remembering, dreaming, looking at our scan pictures and all the pages I have written about G. All the hope, the anticipation, the joy, the innocence... It's time I feel I owe our baby - not that I ever force myself. But it takes a while to recover from these days.

AFM... I just found out a dear friend from school lost her little girl, who died at 18 months from a simple viral infection that her body didn't overcome. We are going to her little girl's funeral and scattering of the ashes in a couple of days, if we can find someone to watch dd. I'm terrified. I know I will relieve all these painful moments we went through, only it must be so, so, so much worse from them. I can't even begin to try and engage with how awful it is because it makes me feel physically sick and lightheaded. I cannot comprehend this. Why? Why do so many people I know suffer so much grief? Why do such incredible people have to go through this?

And in the midst of all of this, it turns out I just tested too early. I got a isi tube test on a digital test today and according to my calculations, I am 4 weeks tomorrow...
Life gives and takes so much, so haphazardly.

Oh and ducky how wonderful that you're home with your little man. This must just be the best ever feeling. I am just over the moon for you, you brave mum you. Big big squeeze, you are amazing x

Madem that is wonderful news about your positive test. How awful for your poor friend and her little girl. Horrible news.

Little I am sorry you're struggling. Your little man is always with you in your heart, carrying him and loving him has changed you forever and you will grow around him. Big big hug, it's so painful.

Kayleigh glad you got through the nativity ok. I am sure Brian looked a total cutie!

I am very shaken at the moment because I just heard last night that an online friend, who lost her son to perinatal oxygen deprivation a month before I lost mine, has just lost her rainbow daughter. She had her little son in December last year, got pregnant three months after her loss and had her little girl a couple of days ago, full-term. Her daughter was perfect and healthy but she had some minor breathing problems after birth. There were complications and the poor little baby girl has passed away. I am devastated for her. I can't understand how it would be possible to survive losing two healthy babies within a year. I have been thinking of her all day and am just consumed with sadness and horror for her.

No no no no Critter, no way. I can't believe this. It can't be. Your poor friend. How can this be?

Critter how terrible for your friend. I can't imagine.

Congratulations madem!

Glad you are home and enjoying your baby ducky. You will have to get used to the 'is it your first' comments I'm afraid. Your answer will probably depend on who's asking.