Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for rainbows

[missalexandra]

New thread ladies, hope it brings us all good luck.

Thinking of you Ducky xx

Hello All, I'm new!
I've just started ttc my rainbow, and am pretty nervous.
Anyone else there still ttc? I see lots of nice pregnant comments out there, which is lovely. Good luck Ducky!!!
Due BFP around Dec 14th, I hope (totally irregular cycle, so no clue really).

Hi ladies, can I join please?

My husband and I lost our little girl, Edith, at 36+3 in September this year. We have a DS already who is 4. Last week we got an answer as to what had caused Edie's stillbirth from the placenta, a fatal feto maternal haemorrhage. Not just a little bleed, anything over 10ml is severe apparently, 15ml is fatal, we had 190ml!

The 12 weeks since have been almost surreal, the change of emotions etc. at times I'm not sure how I'm going to cope going back to work etc, not because I don't want to, but I think the trauma has affected my brain somewhat, in terms of memory, dealing with stress or perceived stressful situations and as mad as it sounds word retrieval during conversations at times... Can anyone assure me on this that I am not going mad and have had similar things with them?

Our little boy has been amazing and totally understood and accepted the situation in the most graceful and wonderful of ways, possibly making me even sadder about it all if that was possible.

Is there anyone else with the same reason as ours? Thinking of TTC again, sooner rather than later hopefully, but AF seems messed up still.

Thanks ladies, going to carry on reading back through the thread now as only just found it xx

Hi all im new. I have read all the thread and am elated at the new arrivals and recent bfp. I was up until 4am yesterday reading from beginnig to end. Good luck ducky. I hope baby has arrived by now and having lots of cuddles.

I lost my little girl at 35weeks. It was more or less a problem free pregnancy. The 20 wk scan had shown a low placenta so I was booked in for a 32wk scan to check if it had moved and if not it would be cs delivery. From 20_32weeks It was all I could worry about no thanks to google. The 32wk scan was fine. Placenta moved, no need for interventions. I felt a big weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Dd aged 4 was excited for new baby sister and I was excited for her. 35 weeks at mw appointment and struggling to find hb, sent to hospital where it was confirmed that our little girl had gone. Our world just fell apart. I was too shocked to even cry. How can that happen just 3 weeks after a scan saying everything was fine? The worst was telling dd her sister had gone to be a star. The look of disappointment ripped my heart right out.
We conceived 3months later and as promised, had extra scans. But what really peed me off was I had to fight to see the mw. She didnt see me until 10weeks. Then she said ok I'll see you at 18 weeks!! Previously, I had seen her a hand full of times, due to she books you in every 4-5 weeks. I didn't mind that last time because I was still working nights, and I had a 4 yr old keeping me busy. But, after losing our little girl like that, my priorities changed so I asked to be seen weekly. We were induced at 37wk 5days and dd was born in the early hours morning after.
During rainbow pregnancy, we didnt tell dd1 anything because I just kept expecting things to go wrong and didnt want to disappoint her a second time. We didnt even announce to friends about new arrival until 31weeks and we did that via fb. by then, I only had 6 weeks left to induction.
Dd 1 was first visitor. She walked in holding dads hand, I think she thought I had just been poorly. Her face was an absolute picture when she saw new baby and she gasped, "aww whose is the baby, is she ours?" I just nodded and welled up. Baby is now 8months old and always chasing big sister in her walker. This time last year, I couldnt picture any of this and it still feels surreal now.

I hope to see many more bfp announcements soon. Sending positive vibes to you all x
Sorry if I have hijacked your thread

Hi Vicky,

A warm but sad welcome. I'm so sorry for your loss, and for everyone one this thread.

I lost our son at the very end of August and although we haven't yet received the final results from the autopsy, our doctor have told us that we will probably never know the reason why my placenta ruptured. It happened in the middle of the night and although I didn't understand fully what had happened right then I knew instantly it was over. I was 40 weeks exactly on the day.

I wanted to tell you that everything you are experiencing, I am too. The first month was like living in an alternative reality and since then I've gone through an insane roller coaster of emotions. I'm definitely a different person now, which has been hard to accept. I used to be one of those who could always find something good in the worst of situations. No more. When people tell me now "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" I just laugh (or cry). What a cruel joke.

Sometimes I feel like I've been through a massive car crash that damaged my ability to focus, remember and "keep myself together". I'm due to go back to work in January and I'm terrified. I always used to be able to write impeccable emails and now when I read them over they're full of spelling mistakes and incorrect grammar.

About trying to conceive again, my period came back about two weeks ago and it was such a relief. It took three full months for it to return. I'm using a digital monitor to test for ovulation but with my current distant mind I forgot to test right about when I should have been ovulating and the machine never showed peak. I'm hoping I will see the peak in December instead.

I've seen two different therapists and they assure me I'm not going postal although that's what it feels like.

We have a little daughter who is 2,5 and she's been our savior. Although I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for loosing her little brother. Just this evening she said "mommy does not have a baby boy in the belly" and I said "yes, that's right darling, mommy does not have a baby boy in the belly anymore". She does not seem at all upset about it, I think she's just stating what she's come to understand, but in that moment I die inside. And then I have to pick myself up again, for her.

Ducky, I'm thinking about you and sending love.

Waves to everyone else.

Xa

A sad welcome to the new poeople.

Tahunny your post made me well up! X

Sorry not to name check am a bit tierd. Contractions got to 2 mins apart and I was examined to be told I am 2cm then 4 hours later (still having strong contractions) I was examined again to be told there's no change then they seem to have completely worn off. I decided to try and get some sleep as I was shattered but didn't manage much.

Am just being monitored now which is showing small contractions but not a fat lot happening. Am hoping they don't give anther pessary as that was so painful

Sorry not to name check but feel a bit like a zombie!

Love to everyone x

Keep going Ducky, you can do it! I was induced with F and the second pessary is nowhere near as painful as the first, so don't worry if you do need another one x

How long did it take for you earth? Did you need a third pessary? X

(Sorry of this has posted loads my internet is playing up!)

A warm but sad welcome to townsender, vicky and tahunny.

townsender i'm still ttc my rainbow, my cycle is pretty regular but for some unknown reason a bfp hasn't happened yet. I really hope yours happens soon.

vicky you're not going mad at all, i was experiencing some of the things you've described when it was still so fresh.

ducky been thinking of you, i hope you're managing to get some rest.

Love to all xx

Vicky and Annaelisabeth, I totally know what you mean about feeling more forgetful, you are not going mad. I think grief acts in funny ways and feeling less resilient and more 'brain-tired' are definitely how I felt, and still feel a lot of the time. I lost my little girl in February and went back to work at the end of July, and for the first few weeks back I felt like I was inside a surreal bubble at work. My brain did eventually switch back into gear though. And it was nice to be back in a lot of ways, helped me feel more normal. Just prepare yourself for the questions about where you've been. Sometimes you'll feel like explaining, but most of the time I didn't.

tahunny I love your story, thankyou for sharing. I've read all the stats, I know its pretty unlikely that what happened first time will repeat itself, but its difficult to know that in my heart. The more positive stories I hear about rainbows the better. lovely!

kayleigh, I've got my fingers crossed for your bfp soon.

I have such mixed feelings about TTC. I was so chilled out about it all first time round. Pregnancy was so exciting - a little bit sick at first but then I enjoyed it, dreaming of the future, going to classes.... Its going to be so different next time. And first, I need to get the bfp so there will BE a next time. Finding it very difficult to picture having a healthy baby at the end of it all.

We were advised to wait 9 months before trying again. At first, I was so desperate to get going, I just had a massive longing to be pregnant. After about 4 months I mellowed a bit and accepted the wait, and it has been quite nice to not have to worry, enjoy a few nights out, get back into shape, eat some random foods, settle back to work without 1st trimester sickness. So it's been a long wait, and I'm just praying it won't be too long until bfp. Now I'm TTC, the longing seems to be back.

Sorry for the rant, so nice to share sometimes.

x

Welcome Vicky tahunny and townsender

I lost our little girl 25th August and went back to work at the start of November. I did a sort of gradual return to work and certainly at the beginning needed to run my clinical decisions past someone else. However recently the ward I work on has been really busy and I've been in charge with very little support and actually have felt much happier about how quickly I can make safe decisions.

I am struggling with the TTC journey and I don't know why really. We conceived our angel very quickly, within 6 weeks so the first month of trying. Naively I guess I thought I would be pregnant after my first AF again. For a few days now I get very sad when AF comes. I'm trying to relax knowing that I'm 'only' 31 and I have plenty of time to have my rainbow. I am trying to be sensible about it and if our angel was here I probably wouldn't be considering having a second child so soon so need to accept my body may not be ready to go through all of that again.

The next chance I have at a BFP would be the 4th Jan which would then still only give me a 13 month gap between Angel and Rainbow. I wish I could really not worry about it but it stays on my mind most of the time. We delayed starting our family so we could get everything perfect!

In some ways it has helped me going back to work as I am much busier and do think of it less than when I was still on my maternity leave. If I could just get my little man from the future to say it's ok lake by this date You'll have a lovely healthy little rainbow I could probably relax but that's obviously not going to happen and I realise that once I do successfully conceive I will start a whole new even more stressful journey!!

Cakebaker I've just read back and seen your story. I'm a fellow 27 weeker, born by EMCS, and we had 12 days in the NICU with our little girl before she left us. It's so horrible, there are no words to describe it, and my heart goes out to you.
I just wanted to say, good luck with the consultant. If you want any advice on what to expect, just shout.

Thank you all. It's good to know others feel sae way with some of these 'symptoms'. I'm not back at work yet, not sure when I will return, but my job involves lots and lots of talking to others, on a daily basis so really need to fix this conversation block thing that happens.

It's so nice to read through the thread and see the rainbow babies arriving, gives hope for us all.

My husband said after our daughter was born and all we felt was sadness "life is a fragile thing" how right he is.

Hugs to all

Just checking in to see how Ducky is getting on, hope things are moving for you now

Welcome Vicky, tahunny and town sender

Ducky, I'm really sorry, I've only just seen this. I didn't need a third one and it was 13hours from first pessary to birth, but apparently the labour is quite different from a normal live birth, so my useful knowledge of induction is just how painful the pessaries were. Really really hope that you are either much further along or already have your rainbow in your arms. Loads of love x

Not yet still stuck at 2cm

Am on drip with epidural but not much happening. I just want him in my arms

Thinking of you ducky - so soon!

ducky sorry things aren't moving as quickly as you'd hoped, i'll keep my fingers crossed that your little man gets a wriggle on soon xx

Thank you all for the warm welcome, sorry not to name check but im still very new and confused how to do it.
Totally feel for you stuck at 2cm ducky, I was stuck at 3 for 9hours but contractions were so strong and coming every minute that they sent me down to delivery so the rest of the ward could sleep. Was on delivery for 3hours sucking on the good stuff and contractions pain getting worse, she checked and still at 3cm. I was just ready to cry. She popped my waters to speed things up, but she also turned up the pain dial. Under 2hours after breaking waters baby was here. I swear if she hadnt broke my waters I would probBly still be in labour now! Ask them if breaking waters would speed things up for you maybe?

After we lost our daughter I too seemed to be in my own world struggling to concentrate. For me I think it was because so many people offering advice and condolences I was zoning them out if you get what I mean. I dreaded going anywhere because I knew I would be known as the woman that lost the baby. That's how I felt anyway. For months after, I avoided local shops. I drove to another town to pay bills and do shopping and I avoided my work place.
I shut as many people out as I could and avoided fb. A few people had been due the same time as me. One had her baby exactly one week after me and another the month after, which is when I was due. Im happy for them both, but everytime I see their pictures posted, it reminds me of the milestones my little girl should be reaching.

I also longed for another girl during rainbow pregnancy. I think I got so used to having a girl that my mind wanted nothing else. I feel so bad about that now.

Hi guys just an update

Baby arrived this morning, it was horrific.

Crash team, stirrups, cuts, yanking and baby carted off to scbu.

He's now back with me and doing well. Am hoping to update more later. Am in too much pain at the moment x

Ducky, that sounds horrible and very scary, but I'm glad he is with you now and doing well. Wishing you a speedy recovery, I'm so glad you've got your rainbow boy with you xxx

Oh god, ducky, well done. Huge admiration here

Wow ducky that sounds awful. Thank goodness he is here safely and you're both ok, the birth sounds really traumatic. Wish you could have had a smooth ride. Sending lots of love.

Waves and love to the newbies, so sorry you're here but glad you have found us.

Congratulations to ducky, I'm sorry it was all so horrible but so delighted your rainbow has arrived. Hoping you're being very well looked after, rest up and enjoy the new born cuddles x

A sad but warm welcome to all the new people, you'll find the lovely ladies on this thread so very kind and understanding when you need to rant or just need a virtual hug x

townsender thank you and I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, it's awful but I really appreciate being able to come on here and chat to others who understand. I'd really like to hear about your consultant appointment if you wouldn't mind sharing? I see you were told to wait 9 months to ttc, was that due to the emcs? I wonder if I'll be given the same advice then or if they'll tell me to crack on as I'm an old bird! (38)

Waves to everyone and hope you're all having an okay Monday x

Congratulations on the birth of your baby Ducky