Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for rainbows

[missalexandra]

New thread ladies, hope it brings us all good luck.

Congratulations intheory

Firstly, sorry for being AWOL. I've been in such a hole since Sunday after my friend's announcement it's been difficult to think straight.

critter thank you for thinking of me. I'm battling on to be honest. There's still no decorations up in the house, but i have started buying presents and writing cards so i suppose it's a start. I've decided to include Ben on the Christmas cards by putting a little silver star by Jessie and Brian's names. I'm glad your scan went well and that your little bean is growing nicely.

lake sorry you had a rough time at work with your colleague- I hope it's not as hard now. With regard to 'E's grave, i think getting her a decoration of sorts is a lovely idea. We've ordered a teddy flower arrangement, but rather than the waistcoat be blue, we're going to have it like Santa's jacket, and my cousin is doing a potted arrangement for Ben too (he already does this for our grandparents who are also buried at the same church).

betty huge congratulations! I'd had an early scan with Brian (i was around 7 weeks) and they were able to do an external one.

ducky i'm so excited for tomorrow for you, although i'm sorry you've been having the extra worry after the latest scan. I'm sure the people at the hospital don't think you're a nutter at all.

intheory huge congratulations to you also.

Love to all xx

Kayleigh what a lovely way to remember Ben on your Christmas cards.

Ducky not long to go now really hopin that today flies by for you

Intheory congratulations, lovely news.

My week off work is now over and I wish I hadn't bothered tbh. Don't know what's been up with me this week but I've been finding it all really tough. We've had plumbers in all week fixing our boiler before winter really hits so I haven't been able to get out and do anything. AF arrived this week along with no less than 10 pregnancy announcements on FB including an old friend who did it in a very attention seeking way which irrationally annoyed me even more!! She posted something like "OMG just got the most exciting news ever" cue lots of what's happening response until someone put are you pregnant and she replied ;) shhh can't tell anyone yet!! I've decided since it makes me so angry I'm going to try to stop ping on FB so much.

Even my DH seems to have become sick of listening to me talk about E and how jealous I feel of others, I hate feeling like it and feel really guilty as obviously it's no ones fault she died. Equally it's noones fault that I'm not pregnant yet. Told my DH earlier that I want to fast forward a few years and be reassured that we have healthy DCs eventually then I could cope so much better, he told me to stop talking about it and stop thinking about it and that'll make it easier!!

Anyway as you were! Just needed to get it out of my system to people that might actually understand what I'm talking about before I go into work to cover a shift this afternoon

Thank you lake. I for one completely understand where you're coming from regarding the pregnancy announcements. One of my oldest friends announced that she was pregnant on Sunday, at our other friend's daughters christening of all places! Don't get me wrong, she's my friend, but there's speculation she's got pregnant on purpose (she had a miscarriage in June- and it's the same father but they aren't together and by all accounts she doesn't even like him that much) . Sorry about things with your DH, it could be that he too just wants a healthy baby like you, he's just expressing it differently. xx

Just popping in to send hugs to those who need them and to encourage you to ditch Facebook for a while! I feel so much better being off it xxx

Betty and Intheory what great news...a hushed but sincere congratulations to you both. Let's pray for wonderfully healthy babies in August!

Gosh kayleigh - we are both trying to get pregnant on purpose with no luck and then your friend just magically manages it, when she doesn;t even like her partner...sigh. There is no rhyme or reason to any of this. I need to stop sulking every time I hear these kind of stories because it just makes me bitter.

Lake you describe how I feel and how my dh reacts just perfectly. He's very sensitive and really tries to be understanding and give me space to talk about G and vent about ttc and how much it sucks that I am still not pregnant when we are doing everything right, but ultimately he just ended up saying that it might be better if I went 'to see someone' as he was at wits end. Cue lots of angry comments from me telling him he was just trying to bat away the problem and get someone else to deal with it. It is so terribly frustrating... I too have been hit by so many announcements on FB - I have now blocked so many people (newlyweds, long term relationships, parents with one child only...) that it's a miracle there are still things happening on my wall at all! It makes my stomach sink just thinking about it...

Today I went to meet two friends in central London and it really hit me that I really am the only one left with just the one child. They are all either heavily pregnant or have already had their 2nd. Everyone. It makes me so sad that there will be such a massive age gap between dd and her sibling(s) - provided we are blessed enough to even have more! Oh and Lake I said the exact same thing to the therapist about fast forwarding - I wish I could just take a sneak peek into our future and see that all is well and we are happy and then I could relax a little. That or just putting me to sleep, impregnate me and keep me asleep until dc#2 is born healthy and alive. But obviously prevent dd from growing up during that time. (All very sensible ideas...!) It's the total lack of control that I find the hardest to deal with.

Wow. I was actually feeling ok this week, despite being in the dreaded 2ww! Better busy myself with something asap and fight those darks thoughts.

Love to you all x

PS: Critter I am so, so pleased everything is still going well and bean is growing. I think of you all the time x

Kayleigh sorry your feeling down at the moment you have had a lot to deal with recently. I have put dd on cards on presents but then didn't know wether I should have done it should be her first Christmas, and I felt that if I missed her off then it's kind of leaving her out but then I didn't know whether to start tags/cards again. Who knew such a simple thing could turn into such a big thing. Think I am going to name a star after dd for Christmas.

Lake, hope you start feeling better soon. Fb can be evil, I can't stand all the announcements and then people updating every step of their pregnancy, it sounds cruel but I kind of feel angry that they can be that relaxed about pregnancy and enjoying it! When I went for my monitoring this after noon there was a lady opposite who was talking to a dr and the dr asked if the baby had been moving and she kind of paused and said 'erm yea I think she moved this morning' and even that made me angry, I panic if my baby goes quiet for 10 mins let alone a whole afternoon, and she was so calm! Sorry went off on a different rant there! Can you avoid fb for a bit? Your husband sounds similar to mine, it can be difficult to talk to them about things

Madem when will you be testing? Will keep my fingers crossed for you.

Well I'm going to be induced tomorrow. Now the thoughts have started creeping in, what if something goes wrong

Was anyone on here induced? Or did you opt for c sections? I'm terrified of the thought of a c section, surgery scares me

ATM are you ok? You haven't updated in a while.

Love to everyone x

You would not beleive how much you have all helped me through te last few months x

Ducky good luck for your induction tomorrow- we will all be thinking of you and your little man. Not long now until he is safely in your arms and you're enjoying newborn snuggles.

Cake I know what you mean about wishing the year away. I remember one of the worst things about losing J was the realization that the rest of the year was going to be really awful and that I was going to be sad and angry and in the black out for a long time. Normally when you think of the future you can be optimistic but you can't when you've been through losing a child. It just stretches out ahead in a miserable greyness. January is a terrible month anyway and all the worse when there's W's due date. It will be J's birthday on the 18th (he was due in the 22nd January) and I'm planning to light a candle for him and just have a quiet day.

Lake and madem I totally relate to wanting to fast forward time and see into the future. The present is so horrible that I think it's natural.

Ugh at pregnancies announced by people in obnoxious ways. And also I hate that this experience has made me feel bitter about other people's happy announcements. The envy is really hard. I don't like to feel jealous and sad that my luck was so bad.

I had more red bleeding last night, was terrifying, but went for a scan and the baby seems ok for the moment. This is so stressful. I never had any bleeding with J though and that all ended in the worst possible way in the final hours, so I will take a risky scary stressful pregnancy if I can just have a living child at the end.

In theory - Congratulations on your BFP. I hope this baby will bring you some joy to counteract the loss of little T.

ducky thinking of you lots, tomorrow you will hold your little one and I feel so pleased for you xx I can't help on induction but I've had two emergency c sections and honestly they were fine, the labour part was a lot more scary for me as both my labours were a thousand miles an hour which isn't good for bodies or babies. The only time I felt relaxed was in theatre which I know sounds odd but I was so well looked after by the lovely staff I just felt in good hands. However your little one arrives you will be fine, sending you lots of positive thoughts for tomorrow x

critter I'll make sure I take a little a pause on 18th and think of you x

As for Christmas, today I bought two hand painted baubles with my dd's name on one and W's name on the other. I wanted to have something personal for them and although it's only a small thing I like the idea of them being together on the tree each Christmas. That probably sounds a bit naff but as they can't be together in real life at least I can put them on the tree and as dd gets older we can always talk about W when we decorate the tree at Christmas.

Love to all xx

madem my friend wouldn't even class the father as "partner" in any sense of the word. She's actually enraged me because i have a feeling she's going to stop the dad being involved. I can't deal with it, but then i probably wouldn't have dealt with it any differently due to the fact i'm very close to the dad (our mums have been good friends for 30 years and he and his brother are the closest thing i have to siblings). Also, sorry your meeting with friends left you feeling deflated, keeping my fingers crossed for your 2ww.

ducky the star is a lovely idea. This should be Ben's first Christmas too, and instead of thinking what presents to get him we're planning wreaths- it sucks really. Also, different situation i know but they'd induced me with Ben (i'd started with contractions but they weren't strong enough to be productive so i had 2 lots of the vaginal gel). Some people say being induced is more painful, but i couldn't honestly say as i was doped up on morphine. I really hope it goes smoothly for you

critter so sorry to hear about the bleeding happening again, i'm not at all surprised you were terrified. I'm glad you got another scan though. Make sure you get lots of rest

Love to all xx

Ducky, best of luck for tomorrow, I'll be thinking of you. I think Ruby had an induction didn't she?

Critter, really sorry that you've had yet more worry, but in glad the scan was fine.

Sorry not to name check everyone and that there have been some difficult things to deal with recently. Love and light to all.

Ps-this should have been "F"'s 3rd Christmas, how is that even possible?

cake the baubles sound lovely, and certainly not naff- it's beautiful to think that they'll be together on the tree.

earth sorry to hear things have been difficult recently, i hope things improve soon

Hi all,

Hope you've had a decent week. My mother in law has/is visiting so I'm a little on the edge to say the least. She has all these ideas on how to "move on". Mostly I just want to slap her in the face. But she means well and I don't do violence.

Cakebaker, I get those feelings too. I so desperately wanted to give our daughter a little sibling and it's the most painful thing that he never made it home. We had gotten a book for her about having a little brother and we had bought her a little cuddly boy doll that she loved. Those things haunt me now.

Our daughter wasn't quite understanding what happened when it happened. I think if it had happened just a few months later she would have. We explained to her that the baby died and that's pretty much all she had the capacity for at the time. Now, just three months later, she's suddenly so grown up and we have even started to be able to reason with her which was impossible back then. She never met her brother but I don't think she would remember it if she had. I guess it would have been nice to be able to tell her later in life that she got to meet him but those days in the hospital were so turbulent and I was in such a state of complete darkness.

Critter, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and knowledge. I'm so sorry for your loss, it's so cruel and awful. We had a normal birth and considering the severity of the situation it went well and very fast. I got induced and opted for the epidural and that's all. I'm so happy you are pregnant again and I'm crossing my fingers all will be well this time. How terrible it must have been for you to miscarry. I totally understand that could bring on further dimensions to ones grief.

Ducky, good luck tomorrow! I was induced with my daughter and it was fine, quick and easy. I hear it's completely different for everyone but it worked for me. She was turned sunny side up and wouldn't get labor started properly so we had no choice but it was great for me.

Betty, thanks for the warm welcome and I'm so sorry for your loss. Yes, meeting others in the same situation has helped me more than anything else. I think I'd be lost without the women on this thread, thanks again, you are all incredible in your compassion and ability to share your experiences and advice. I wish I could meet you all in person and give you a big hug.

Much love to everyone.

Xa

Just a quickie from me, sorry I can't name check you all. Just want to wish Ducky all the very best for tomorrow! Not long till all them newborn cuddles, it would be great if you could keep us updated

Welcome to giant and intheory, I am so sorry to hear of your losses. All the women on this thread are at various stages in this horrible journey, feel free to share whatever you feel. I lost my first baby last year at 25 weeks, they didn't find a cause and I am now 8 weeks pregnant with my rainbow after ttc for 14 months.

Kayleigh and lake I'm sorry you have been feeling crap - all these announcements are like a knife through the heart! I am not on facebook and so glad of it.

Critter I'm so sorry you're bleeding bet it is so scary, but delighted your scan has gone well. Looks like me and you are only a few days apart I'm still so edgy and scared and I know that isn't going to disappear after the '12' week scan. Some days I have easing symptoms and that's the day I'm convinced I have miscarried or something is wrong. Not sure how I am going to cope to be honest.

Betty and Intheory gentle congratulations to you both, Betty I have had an early scan at 6+3 and that was external, they managed to see a heartbeat.

Made I said the exact same thing as you when I lost 'A', I wish I could see into the future, my future with or without kids I just wanted to know I was going to be ok. Like almost wishing time away.

Sorry it's a quickie, I have a busy weekend coming up with visiting relatives, I'm quite looking forward to the distraction.

Hi everyone, come back as finding things tough at the minute-just when you think you're doing ok something always comes along to bring you down! If I miss anyone out I apologise.

critter So glad the scan went well for you. I know what you mean about getting a sense of who they would have been. A was so like her dad, even down to ger little frown, I take comfort in the fact I got to meet her.

ducky I wish you all the best for your induction tomorrow. I understand how nerve wracking it must be but you are so closr, try not to worry. I wouldn't feel silly for going in for monitoring. In my line of work it is surprising how many first time mums with no complications go in for extra monitoring- you are not the only one!

betty and intheory massive congratulations on your bfp, I'm really pleased for you. I wish you both a happy and stress free pregnancy (if that is possible after shat you both have been through)

cake I understand what you mean about getting through the milestones, I wish you all the strength to get through it. For me Christmas will ve a sad time as it would have been our first with a child.

Kayleigh I love your way of remembering and honoring Ben, I think I may just do that to remember my daughter.

Lake totally understand how earth shattering pregnancy announcements can be. As much as I am happy for these people I am shocjed at how jealous and angry I can be. I am not that kind of person and it upsets me how bitter I can be!

Yesterday I saw a lady who comes to my work. She congratulated me on the birth of my daughter and I had to tell her my beautiful girl has died. She cried and I just didn't know what to do. Another lady saw me, I said congratulations on the birth of her daughter and she just walked away. I understand people ginf it difficult and don't know what yo say but sometimes I feel like a leper! Every time I have to tell someone it feels like I'm reliving it all over again. I got a response from the complaint I made (more of a comment) to the doctors. They say they are sorry for the three times they have put their foot in it and assumed my A is still alive, I don't feel I should have to correct them every time I see them just look in my notes!!! I think I'm just feeling sorry for myself today! I'm hoping for a bfp before Christmas, maybe that'll cheer me up. Anyway, rant over-feel a bit better now!

Ellie it's awful that your GP haven't got such an important fact sorted, did they give you any idea of whether they would change anything for the future so it doesn't keep happening?

People are so strange when you have to tell them, I'm not sure how I'd have reacted if it had been someone else. I'd like to think I could be compassionate at least!! I would rather have people walk away than people crying. It's strange but I'm so private I feel like they are stealing my grief. E only 'met' me my DH and my DM it wasn't like other people knew her the same way they do with an older child. I find when others cry for my baby they are actually crying for themselves. One of my community midwives came around the day after we were discharged from hospital, burst into tears on my sofa and told me all about her stillbirth and how she knew I would get through it. I felt like I spent so long comforting her that she didn't even ask how I was doing!

I find it gets easier to talk about E dying and then for no obvious reason at all I'll tell someone else and my heart breaks all over again. I was showing some colleagues her pics as she was beautiful. It's the first time I've really shown people her photo, they are black and white pics and as she's mixed race she still sort of looks an ok colour.

Work was fine today although unfortunately very busy but it keeps me occupied which is better than sitting at home thinking too much!! My colleagues think I'm mad as I keep offering to work Xmas day but I think my DH will work and if I can't spend it with my own baby as I should have been then I may as well see if I can make other peoples sick babies and children better. DH has decided he doesn't want to decorate for Xmas so hopefully it'll fly by without me noticing and we can say goodbye to 2014 which was supposed to be such an exciting year for us!

Lake, that's a lovely sentiment. Hopefully doing something to help others will help you and keep you occupied through what will no doubt be a difficult day.

GP says it is on my records and was human error so not much can be done. Just a little frustrating! I have made a point of it though as in the future there could be some parents who don't have a good support system and something like that could do some real damage if you aren't in a very good frame of mind.

I know what you mean about being the one to comfort others. I find I'm their shoulder to cry on instead of the other way round. It really does do strange things to people. Like you I am very private and so probably don't show a lot of emotion which could be seen as odd, that's why it's so nice to have a thread like this to pour out all my crazy thoughts!

I hope being able to show people photo's was a positive experience. Like you, I love to show people photos of our daughter. I've found that most aren't comfortable seeing photos as they find it upsetting. I felt I needed to show people, why shouldn't I show off my beautiful daughter? She existed and I will never deny that but I feel that is maybe one experience many of us lose out on. I often feel I can't celebrate the life we created as it makes others uncomfortable, I sometimes find that difficult.

I'm also hoping for Christmas to pass quickly. Here's to a better new year!

Lake and Ellie, I totally know what you mean about comforting others - it's funny but I feel like you can tell when people really empathize and when people are just upset about something in their own lives and your baby's death is just the catalyst. The head midwife who was supposed to be looking after me told me all about her stillbirth when she finally came to see me three days after J died while I was still in hospital. She cried and I could just tell that she was crying for her loss not mine, not least because she got my son's name wrong. I ended up having to comfort her and make her feel better. It was weird. Afterwards I was really annoyed that she'd put me in that position when I was so vulnerable three days after my child died. So unprofessional and selfish. But other people cried and I knew they were crying for me and J. I could feel their sadness was not just about their own stuff.

Tulip we are a few days apart yes... Am shitting it that I'm going to lose this one, just like you said so eloquently the other week! Will you have another scan between now and 12 weeks?

Sorry for short post and crap name check. So grateful I can share on here.

Good women of this thread,

I cannot name-check and I am in awe of those who can. I've tried to write here earlier and felt so selfish because I was unloading all of my own shit without paying fair attention to yours. But it's not that I'm not here and listening, I'm just finding my feet here and learning who you are. I'm so sorry, this is so inadequate.

I'm reading all of your words and finding points of connection. I'm feeling, deeply, your moments of pain and uncertainty. I'm so grateful for the mentions when kayleigh, critter and anyone else cares to respond to my words. I'm so sorry I'm such a flimsy part of the conversation thus far.

I'm trying to maintain a commitment I made to raise awareness of Twin To Twin Transfusion Syndrome, because December is the month of their choosing. So, if you know anyone who is expecting more than one, I would be happy to direct them to some very well-informed, very supportive people who were a source of great comfort (but also crucial information) to me.

My due date is looming. I'm feeling especially protective of anyone who's going through a similar ordeal. Baby-bombs, family celebrations, at this time we're up against a lot of cultural norms that really test our coping abilities. I'm here for you.

Giantmama, the best thing I've found about being here is you can use this place as you wish. No one minds people coming to use here as a sounding board. It's hard to find many people who you can be truly honest with in real life. Noones contributions are inadequate.

Ducky good luck for today hope everything goes smoothly and you get to enjoy newborn cuddles soon. Thinking of you and your family

Thank you ellie. I'm sorry you've had a bad time recently, and i'm gobsmacked at your doctors! My doctors have been really good, and it's now on my notes that i'm ttc again, so if i need antibiotics at any point they'll give me safer ones. I've also had my share of people who don't know how to react, i try not to pay it too much mind.

Lake that's a truly lovely thought about working over Christmas. I can understand your DH's not wanting to decorate the house as i'm not wanting to decorate either- although i'll probably have to at some point because of the older DC's.

giant feel free to "unload your shit" as you put it- i've done it often enough as i'm sure we all have. This thread is amazing for saying what you really feel and having nobody judge you. We're here for you and to listen to as much or as little as you need.

ducky i hope things are going smoothly today and that you're soon having newborn cuddles.

Love to all xx

Just a very quick one to send ducky good dilating vibes

giant don't worry one second about not name checking or venting. I found that's all I could do at the start and gradually, I was able to interact and respond to others. No one will judge you here. You're safe xx

Ducky just wanted to say I hope all is going really well and you have your little one in your arms already or if not really soon xx

Waves to everyone promise to catch up soon x

Thanks everyone

Just A quick update, had the pessary () in at 11. Am now just having another ctg before they see if they can break my waters (fingers crossed because I don't think I can handle another one of them things )

Am having what felt like irregular contractions but look pretty regular on the monitor!

Pretty scared of the feeling of having my waters broken

Will update when I can.

Love to everyone x