Oh betty - sorry you are feeling rubbish today. Rubbish doesn't even touch the sides of how you're feeling, I am sure, but you know what I mean. We done for doing the lecture. Well done for your stamina. Well done for your resilience. You have been incredibly strong to be able to pull it together and now you are mentally and physically exhausted; totally normal. I have such empathy for what you said about wanting to scream to new colleagues about your baby dying 6 months ago. That is exactly how I felt going back to work in September, 6 weeks after losing G (in very different circumstances, of course). It's hard. I can't be bothered with small talk, polite smiles and 'how are yous'. I am so pleased for you that the counsellor was helpful. Will you be seeing him/her again?
Sorry I have gone a little awol - again. Sometimes coming on here just makes me feel so much more sad all over again and I need to distance myself. 3 months down the line and I also begin to realise the ramifications of our grief - and how totally different it is to any of what you wonderful women have been through. Thank you for having all welcome me with open arms despite the very different circumstances in which we lost our baby. I think it began to hit me a few weeks ago just how much worse it would have been to lose him at the same-ish stage as you all. I can't even face thinking about it.
Not much happening here. I had my first, full on period a couple of weeks ago and should have ovulated at the week-end. Got the positive opks etc but my temperature only rose for 2 days, then plummeted again, so I don't think I ovulated. Part of me doesn't care, because I almost feel numb, but part of me is hurt all over again. I guess I don't really care when I get pregnant again, I just can't cope with this being in limbo anymore. I feel like my body is letting me down completely and I feel that my grief is preventing me from enjoying what I already have, i.e. my dd who will be 3 very soon. I wish I could just 'unplug' myself from the pain and the constant worrying and just be in the 'now' and enjoy what I have, rather than wishing the next two weeks away til I can test, or the next two weeks til we can ttc, then start all over again and suddenly 3 months have passed and my dd is not getting any younger.
I am also rambling. I find that grief has anaesthetised my brains and I am unable to be concise, to analyse, to think things through, to think full stop. I've become a slower, thicker and sadder version of my old self. Oh and more cynical and totally bitter too.
Wow. I guess I really did do the right thing when I called the bereavement midwife and asked for a counsellor appointment (next week) after all! Sorry thread - my dh just doesn't know what to say to me anymore and my friends seem to think I should have moved on.