Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for rainbows

[missalexandra]

New thread ladies, hope it brings us all good luck.

It's hard isn't it ducky? Often I said "I'm having a planned section" which either made people stop or ask why. If they asked I told them.

It's hard, they are excited for you, but for us rainbow mums excitement is quite low down the list of emotions we are feeling as the due date approaches.

I think you dealt with it really well by the sounds of it. Try to let it wash over you, you are doing nothing wrong by smiling and nodding. I've done a lot of that over the last year. 'Is it/he your first?' is another hard question to answer. To checkout lady answer yes, to another mum in a group I'm getting to know.... It's not so clear cut.

Other thing to do is say oooh not thinking about that bit yet, hahaha and change the subject?

Thanks owl, I kind of felt bad the way I handled it don't think I can feel excited about this pg at all! I knew it would be difficult but I didn't know it would be this bad! I'm just constantly expecting the worst x

Hi all. Sorry I've been awol again, just really concentrating on keeping my head down and trying to stay as positive as possible. I'll pop in every now and again and I'm reading and keeping up with everyone's news regularly.

We're at 21 weeks now and so far everything seems ok. They didn't manage to get all the measurements they wanted at the 20 week scan last week so we have another scan booked for next week and then our first growth scan two weeks after that.

Not getting regular movements yet (usually lying in bed in the morning and last thing in the evening) but felt nothing for 36 hours last week and convinced myself the worst had happened but my lovely midwife found the heartbeat straight away.

Thinking of you all regularly x

ducky i'm sorry you had that difficult experience. Personally i think you handled it very well, i'm a gobby one at the best of times so i'd probably have shouted that i'd actually been through it already. Luckily if i ever have a rainbow i doubt anyone would say that to me as i do have Jessie and Brian. I'm sending you hugs.

ATM i'm glad things are going ok with your pregnancy, although how worrying for you regarding the movements :( so pleased you have a lovely midwife.

AFM just preparing myself for the meeting at school about Brian, which i'm struggling with as i'm still not over the 6 month mark. I had a full on meltdown at the weekend, which has left me shattered (and i'm starting with a cold which isn't helping.)

Love to all xx

Hi all, just wanted to thank you all for responding to my query about counselling / therapy. I'm seeing a university counsellor later this week, so hopeful that will be of some use. I'm down, and exhausted, and really wishing i had taken some time off. I have to write and give a lecture to 500 students next week - what on earth made me think that it was a good idea to commit to that less than five months after losing my daughter?

Mademoiselle - yes, we are sort of neighbours - perhaps we should meet up for a drink (especially if neither of us conceive this month and require consolation).

ATM great that you are over half way now. Movements are always so unpredictable at that stage, it must be a really difficult time.

Ducky sorry that you are getting hard to handle comments. I'm like Kayleigh - I'd probably just tell them straight out that I'd already done it once before.

And Kayleigh, also thinking of you as you come up to the six month mark. I'm finding this point harder than the immediate aftermath, because we're supposed to be 'over it' by now, the opportunities for talking about our babies get few and far between, and it just feels as if everyone else has moved on.

Kayleigh Hope the meeting at Brians school goes well and you manage to stay calm. It's so hard to do anything when you're in the grip of a bad few days, especially if its something youre already worried about like his school. Hope you managed ok and the outcome was good.

ATM its great to hear things are progressing well, I know how frustrating it can be to have to go back for re-scans though. You get all psyched up and then have to go through it all again. Hope your regular movements start soon, it really helps to reassure.

Madem The obstet is still refusing to say what her exact plan is...she keeps mumbling about 37/38 weeks but said that with the new polyhydramnios thing I could break waters at any time so theres nothing definite. What she ommited to tell me is that apparetnly there is a 30 minute window with a cord prolapse from breaking water to getting baby out, I almost wish I didnt know that but I will have to talk to her about it on Thursday as that defineitly will not give me time to get to the hospital where she is and I would have to go to the one where we lost A as its closer, but something I really wanted to avoid.

Ducky awful situation, sounds like you handled it pretty well. I always find it hard to understand why people want to go into such detail, I mean if its your best friend ok but not someone you barely know. Probably Owls suggestion of just saying "ooh dont want to even think about that yet" is a good one. My worst one is "is it your first?", it just depends on the day really, if I'm having a weepy day I just burst into tears, if not then I just tell them the truth. Hope this week isnt too tough on you

Earth Im only a few mintues away from the hospital where we lost A, but like I said to Madem the idea of going back there just kills me. No I'm not working right now but to tell you the truth I keep myself as busy as possible, I think just staying in bed would probably have me going up the walls (more than I am already). If I could go for fully-unconscious hibernation till its all over I would though.

Owl I dont feel like I'm being strong - I feel like a pathetic quivering jelly-like mess! This morning ended up in floods of tears at the endocrinologist, poor woman she ended up being so nice and that only made me even worse.

Finally got round to packing my hospital bag but as I hadnt touched it since losing A found all sorts of documents and stuff in there which brought back so many memories

Apologies for not name checking everyone but thinking of you all x

Thanks Betty i know what you mean, i only feel comfortable talking about Ben with my best friend now, everyone else seems to avoid talking about him.

And thank you also MissA. Sorry that you had to deal with the documents in your hospital bag, i'm sending love and strength to you.

AFM the meting for Brian went ok, although the educational psychologist can't guarantee that he'll get his statement, which is a worry. Also, legally i don't have a leg to stand on regarding the lies his old nursery told, as on paper they did their jobs, so i'm not happy about that at all, so i've just got to carry on fighting for him, but at least i have the backing of his school now, so i'm not fighting alone xx

Sorry for not posting much recently, I've been thinking of you all though.

missalex so sorry to hear about the gb and growth, and how hard you're finding things around the milestone of things going wrong before. It's so hard isn't it - I did feel a little bit better after that milestone, a bit like getting through an anniversary, the lead up to it was worse. I kept telling myself there was no magic about that particular point in time, it was no more likely to go wrong then than at all the other times I'd been worried. I'm sure you don't feel strong - I think a rainbow pg is one of the hardest things to live through - but you are doing so well, in such difficult circumstances. Can you ask for an end date by which you'll definitely have your section? i did find it helpful to have that, especially once I was counting in days not weeks. Well done for packing your hospital bag. I had to use a different bag, I'd bought a new one for E and it's still in the back of a cupboard. And I did find I was so unprepared with L, her hat didn't fit and I had packed so little it really wasn't enough but it was as much as I could manage at the time. Keep going - not long now.

betty hope the uni counsellor is someone you click with & that it helps. And good luck with the lecture! Will you be able to take any time off after that do you think? Yes, I found in some ways things got harder as time went on as so many people expected me to be alright again somehow. Well, they'd moved on anyway, so obviously I should have. The number of people who understood that the grief is ongoing really wasn't many. Our society really is rubbish about these things.

kayleigh good luck with the meeting, and with fighting that cold off x

atm totally understand hiding away. That stage with the movements was really stressful, a few more weeks at least you'll have a bit more reassurance which should help some of the time at least.

ducky you sound exactly like I was - I expected it to be hard, but it just got harder as the stage at which I lost E approached which for some reason I hadn't expected. A bit up thread you posted about movement anxiety & I'd been meaning to say what helped me. I know you didn't want a foetal Doppler, but if you think it would help at all I'd be happy to send you mine. I found it useful for calming the panic when I woke in the morning (or the middle of the night) and didn't feel any movement for a few minutes, I used it loads towards the end. It meant I knew she was ok at that moment and I was able to wait a little bit to feel something. Other things which helped were to count movements over say 20mins, at a few different times of day so I knew what was normal for active times and what was for quiet times, then I could count every couple of hours for a chunk of time and knowifit was in her normal range, which meant I could allow myself to not think about it (as much) for the next hour or so (I know that sounds a lot, but before I did that I was trying to monitor movements constantly, which made doing anything else at all a bit difficult). The most helpful thing though was having booked in ctg monitorings, which actually allowed me to relax for a bit as it was someone else's responsibility for a little while. Not sure if this is any use to you, but just thought I'd share in case.
With the things people say about labour etc, I didn't have quite that, as I have other children, but I was and am still often asked if L is my first, especially as my others are at school so I'm often on my own with her. Sometimes I'm just vague ('no, she's not') and sometimes I state the full facts, depends a bit how I feel at the time. But I never really know what to say, it's difficult, and I think I will always find that sort of thing sneaking into conversation and making me feel sad. It sounds like you handled it really well tbh.
about people being excited - I have one friend who was really excited for me - she's lovely, but just didn't get that I wasn't excited, she couldn't grasp it I don't think, even said it was sad that I wasn't excited - I'd have given anything to just be without the constant feeling of dread!!

Waves to all, sorry not to name check more but I have yet another load of laundry to do x

Oops cross posted kayleigh - glad the meeting was some help,sorry to hear it wasn't as good as it could have been. Fingers crossed about the statement - it's rubbish you have to fight so hard for it tho.

Thanks blue, it is rubbish that we've had to fight so hard to get to this point, but i'm used to it now. As i'm sure you can all understand i'd fight to the death for any of my DC's, but as i said earlier at least i have the school behind me now too.

Glad you and the school are on the same side kayleigh. Sounds like a useful meeting. I'm sorry you are finding it so tough at the moment. It comes and goes, the grief. I had to go and look at my son last night for a bit, I was so overwhelmed thinking about my daughter. I worry about things happening to him all the time, although in reality when things happen I'm pretty calm about it (like when a waitress spilled hot chocolate on him last week!).

It is hard, the rest of the world does move on, but people on here are always happy to hear about our babies and our feelings. I'm thinking of you and your little one tonight.

Kayleigh, glad the meeting went ok, hope Brian manages to get his statement, my friend went through something similar recently and i know how very difficult it was for her.

Missa, how do you feel after packing the bag? Does it make it seem any more 'real'? I don't know about you but every time they tell me he's ok I kind of feel like it's not real sorry you had to deal with te documents

Blue, that is a lovely offer, but I'm not sure if I would become too obsessed with a Doppler, I have that kind of personality! I would be sat here 24/7 with it on! I am currently having weekly ctg monitoring which is helping a little, although the mac I go to for it tends to be very busy so when the alarms go off I panic and usually don't get anyone coming round for a good 10 - 15 mins. Last time the heart beat thing changed to '?', I had a heart attack and burst into tears and it took 45 mins for someone to come round

ATM glad to hear that everything is going ok

Waves and hugs to everyone x

Ducky yes i think packing the bag makes it feel more real...more scary. Your experience in the hospital sounds hideous, cant believe they take so long to come and see whats wrong!! No wonder you end up in tears for goodness sake. The same often happens when I'm having the cgt too - he changes postion and then the heartbeat disappears and the beeper goes off like mad. They ususally come straight in to see whats going on though.

Blue every time we have an appointment DH and I we discuss it beforehand and go in there determined to get a date out of her but she is such a sergeant major and refuses! I would love to have a date to work towards but up till now its just a vague "could be any time between now and 37/38 weeks if your waters break early". I think I would feel a bit better if everything was going smoothly, but now we have new complications to cope with that have nothing to do with last time, so its sort of double anxiety this time iyswim. I've washed and ironed all the baby clothes today, but cant bring myself to put any into his bag yet. We never got round to packing a bag for A, so at least thats something I dont have to unpack and re-do.

Owl I think it must be a bit inevitable to worry more about these children (and probably the ones you already have too?) after living through something like this. I can imagine there must be times when its hard to believe you really have a rainbow, or at least thats what a couple of rainbow mums have told me. Must be so hard to look at them and not be overwhelmed with sadness for what should have been, while feeling blessed at the same time.

Kayleigh the problems with Brians school/nursery all sound very complicated and frustrating, so sorry you have to cope with all that at such a difficult time.

AFM my next appointment for scan/ctg is on Monday but I cant hold out till then and am going in for a checkup soon as DH gets home today. With the new complications I just dont feel confident that I know exactly what I'm supposed to do if my waters do break early, and I've scared myself silly looking on the internet. Apart from the fact I've been having pains around my c-section scar and am scared I'm going to explode with all that extra fluid

Hugs to all x

Missa I'm hoping at my next consultant appt I will get my date, I was originally told I wouldnt get it until 34 weeks, I will be 33 weeks at my next appt but the one after there is a different consultant on who is pretty useless.

Hope you get the answers you need when you go to hospital, what a difficult situation for you. The hospital really can be useless at times can't they x

Hi everyone, sorry for absence. missalex I dreamt about you last night! You were with your little boy and with your little girl, you were all smiling and calm. So strange, I can't remember what you all looked like in the dream, just that it was definitely you and you were all together, even though A had passed away she was still there with you. Are you having a scheduled c section?

kayleigh how are things going with your little ones and your mum? Hope you're feeling a little less blue. I think of you and Ben often.

betty really glad you're getting to see a counsellor and you are a hero for taking on this presentation. Sometimes a busy work period can be a good distraction even when it's stressful, at other times it can make the grief more overwhelming. Hope you're managing alright.

ducky 33 weeks is great! Less than two months to go.

madem how're things?

AFM all is ok, working a lot and enjoying my little dog. I fed him some grapes a couple of nights ago without realising they are toxic to dogs and had to take him to the animal hospital emergency room to make him puke them up... I was beside myself thinking I had managed to poison my little hound within less than a month of adopting him, I was nearly in tears. Luckily all was ok, he vomited the grapes up (they can cause kidney failure in dogs) and he seems to be alright now. Next frozen embryo transfer is coming up on Tuesday. Not feeling especially hopeful about it but pleased to be jumping through the hoops that I need to jump through, IYSWIM. Sorry to all I've missed.

Thank you ladies for asking after me and thinking of me, i think of all of you too.

MissA i hope you're ok after your checkup the other day.

Critter i'm feeling a bit better thanks, i don't think i'd anticipated how hard the 6 months mark would hit me. Sorry you had that worry with dog, but pleased he's ok now, and i'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you on Tuesday.

AFM my mum's still driving me potty (nothing changes)- she sent me to get her fags the other day and her card didn't work, so i had to go back the next day with a different card . It's been a hectic week with Brian's meeting, DH's grandparents came to visit, and DC's school breaking up for half term. Then Brian started tonight with a sickness bug :( he's asleep now so i'm hoping that's the last of it and that nobody else in the house starts with it.

Love to all xx

Blue, could I still take you up on the Doppler offer? Am havig another bad day today

Problem is he has no pattern of movement at all so I never know when to be worried

Hope your dog has made a full recovery critter

Hope everyone is ok x

ducky sorry to hear you're having a bad day, i'm sending hugs your way xx

Ducky I think its a good idea to take Blue up on her Doppler offer - by this time you should find it fairly easy to find the HB (although not always which has its own risk of causing more anxiety) but it really helps you to wait for a few more minutes/hours until you feel definite movement again. Sorry youre having such a worrying time

Critter oh poor Doug! thank goodness he's ok, I'm sure he knows you didnt do it on purpose I knew raisins were toxic to dogs but stupidly hadnt realised that grapes would be too. I used to throw out dry fruit scones for the birds before I knew about raisins, thankfully our little dog didnt hoover them up like she does just about everything else I put out for birds/cat! Anyway its good to know. Thanks for telling me about your dream - its a lovely idea that A is still here with us in some shape or form. I want to take something of hers with us to the hospital so she's "included" in his birth too - does that sound really wierd/creepy? Not long now for ET, my fingers are super-crossed for you.

Kayleigh hope Brian is ok, there is a nasty sickness bug going round the schools here too. I'm afraid your Mum sounds as if she needs a stern talking-to from someone (not you) wish I could do it for you. She just needs to see that YOU too need some support after what youve been through.

Ruby havent heard from you for a few days is all ok?

AFM went in for a checkup and all was fine, apart from the amniotic fluid which has gone up a bit more. My usual grumpy obstet was out so got to see another, what a difference it makes when someone listens with empathy and doesnt make you feel hysterical for being nervous. Got the proper visit on Monday, hopefully get some idea of a date!

Waves to everyone else x

ducky of course you can, pm me your address & I'll post it - prob not tomorrow but will do on Mon. Sorry you're struggling with the anxiety, it's awful isn't it? You're getting there tho, not long now, even if it seems like it x

missalex glad you had a relatively nice appointment for once! Good luck for mon x

Waves to all sorry not to namecheck

MissA Brian's ok now, poor Jessie got sick too, so we had a small epidemic on our hands, but both are overit now thankfully. I'm glad your checkup was good

Waves to all xx

Blue its very kind of you to lend Ducky your Doppler, hope it helps you Ducky

Kayleigh great your mini-epidemic is over

Earth have sent you various PMs but havent received a reply...is your inbox full? Is everything ok?

Thank you so much blue

Glad you have all made a recovery kayleigh!

X

Thanks MissA and Ducky. I had thought i was starting with the bug last night while out with friends (had to come home early) but was fine thankfully. Me and my friends who were out were in a busy bar and it was really warm, i felt like i was going to faint and went really dizzy and started to "space out". I made the mistake of telling this to my mum who is now assuming i'm pregnant (i had similar episodes when pg with Jessie and the baby we lost at 7 weeks) however i'm doubtful it's happened this month, but no doubt now my mum's going to hound me until AF arrives xx

MissA, I am SO sorry. I use the app and the bl**dy thing didn't tell me I had any messages. You've been in my thoughts so much this week, you too Ducky.

Kayleigh-glad things are progressing with Brian and school and that your house is back on the mend health wise.

Ruby, Blue, hope you are both ok.

About to head off to bed so ill try an post properly tomorrow.