Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for rainbows

[missalexandra]

New thread ladies, hope it brings us all good luck.

earth you are a wise and kind lady. You're right, there are other ladies on the TTC 10 plus board who did IVF and then wanted a low intervention pregnancy and birth… I think perhaps, at least for me, it was because conceiving my child was so far from how I imagined it would be, and so medicalised - you feel like a science experiment - and I wanted the birth and pregnancy to be 'normal' - and it was all normal basically right to the end. I remember a nurse complimenting me on my low blood pressure right after the birth and me thinking that I wished it had been sky high, because then maybe I'd have had an early c section and he have lived. I did also have a little chuckle at your comment about your DH and the frying pan, mine is also known to come up with such 'helpful' and 'reasonable' comments

Thank you owl earth and critter for you very understanding words, my frustration wasn't helped yesterday after being told someone i know has fallen pregnant without even trying (i have to admit, a rather bitter comment escaped my mouth at the time), but i'm trying not to let it consume me. The irony is that in my mind, we're not all out ttc- but me and dh have been dtd more often, so maybe we've just been putting too much pressure on ourselves.

betty sorry to hear that it'd been a difficult time for you- i would like to say a big well done for finishing your thesis despite how you've been feeling , and i also hope your FIL is doing as ok as can be

ducky sorry your anxiety is still keeping a tight grip, i'm sending you positive thoughts

Waves to all xx

Just a quickie from me will post properly when not on phone!

huff.to/1ssNp7T

Thank you for the article Tulip. A quickie front phone here too, just to say that AF is here....I really thought I got pregnant this month, kept it to myself but had such promising signs. Ah well. At least it's a real, proper period this time so I don't have Asherman's syndrome (!!! I know I totally freaked out for nothing!) and my body is finally kind of getting back to normal...trying to see the silver lining...

Sorry about AF madem.

Madam

Sorry about AF madem xx

Critter glad to hear your pooch is being therapeutic, its been proven that stroking a dog can bring blood pressure down so it must have tons of other benefits too. Have you started preps for ET yet? Its good youre being positive, yes you will get there even if like you say you've taken the long route.

Blue thinking of you and L, hoping you and all the family are still on cloud nine

Kayleigh its just so crap when month after month we dont get the BFP we need, so sorry you have to hear about other peoples announcements too. A few weeks ago someone close to me had a baby, they found out too late or she would have "been gotten rid of". I know she will be loved to bits now she's here, but still...its so very unfair.

Ruby love the idea of you and E having a pyjama day! Glad to hear she's gaining weight.

Madem sorry to hear AF has arrived. It would be so much better if we could just press the "pause" button till we had a rainbow in our arms wouldnt it?

Owl thank you so much for the summary of the programme. Makes me so angry when so much is spent on other (useless) medical research yet not on something so horrendous as stillbirth.

Betty can so understand how finishing your thesis feels linked to losing your precious O. Well done on getting it done though, you must be one strong lady to have been able to do so. Not sure if I find it very sad or very lovely about your DD1 including O in her games etc, must be so hard on you either way. Hope things go well with your DPs Dad.

Ducky sorry to hear youre so anxious, cant offer much support today as I'm in the same boat as you - total nervous wreck obsessing about reduced movements even though on Wednesdays scan /NST he was just fine

Tulip thanks for the link, everything is so very true in the article

AFM The obstet decided I needed to start injecting insulin, she also says that the baby needs a detailed echocardiogram (heart scan) as the macrosomia might have affected it so got that on Tuesday. Just one more thing to stress over. Went for the guided visit to the ward/hospital where we will be having the baby if there are no complications and ended up in floods of tears. It was full of super-happy couples with new babies, they all looked at me like I was mad (of course - why would a heavily pregnant woman be sobbing in the middle of a baby ward??). Just a week now to go before I get to the point where I went into hospital with a viral infection and everything started to go downhill. I thought I had the anxiety more or less under control but realise now that I definitely dont. Ended up crying and shouting at DH so hard this morning I had a massive nosebleed

Hello to everyone else x

Thanks missa. I did speak to my mum yesterday about how i was feeling bitter, and for once she sat and listened and didn't refer to Ben as a "trauma" which i suppose is progress.
Sorry you've got the extra stress over the echocardiogram, i'll be keeping you in my thoughts on Tuesday, and i'm sure the couples with their babies didn't think you're mad- not sure if this will be any consolation to you but they probably just though it was your hormones. I'm sending you positive thoughts for the next week, be gentle to yourself xx

Made I am so sorry about AF. It is a horrible gut punch. I hope this cycle will be the lucky one for you. It's rotten wanting it so badly and having to just trudge on.

Missalex geez what a nightmare. You must be beside yourself, I am not surprised you burst into tears. I so wish this was plain sailing for you, heaven knows you so deserve it. Will be wishing you and your little one all the luck in the world - hang in there. You will get through this together.

Kayleigh I am glad your mum listened to you. Sometimes it helps to talk about thing and just feel like people are registering what you're saying.

Little tulip thanks for the link, I could relate to a lot of that.

Hope everyone else is ok. We have formally adopted our beagle mix! I love him so much.

Feeling very grateful for you all tonight. I know we'd all much rather not know each other, given the circumstances, but to quote something j read around here a while ago: "this is the best cr*p place to be in"! I'm feeling so much stronger than I did even just a few weeks ago, and I know you all, every single one of you with your kind and thoughtful comments, played a part in this.

Missalex, I'm so sorry you had such a hard time at the ward and a huge row with dh. How awful - and completely understandable. I'm sending you strength, love and cuddles.

Critter: you wonderful lady. Thank you for your kindness. Hurray for your lovely dog and spend all the time in the world cuddling him! Happiness= endorphins = sticky bean

Love To all xx

critter you're spot on about people registering what you're saying, it does help. Although i've found recently that there are only 2 people i can be truly honest with in RL (3 including DH) and that's my mum and best friend of 16 years- when my other friend (who doesn't have children herself and isn't likely to) came round and i was saying about feeling bitter at the lady i know falling PG without even trying, her response was-"well as long as you don't get bitter with me" which i didn't find helpful to be honest. Lovely news about your lovely dog, i hope he brings you many hours of happy times.

madem i feel grateful for all you ladies every single day! And this truly is the best cr*p place to be in, and for me personally you ladies have helped me because i know i can get things off my chest here and there's no judgement

AFM well we've been DTD regularly, although the past couple of days i've been having this strange heavy feeling- like AF is due, but that's not for 3 weeks so i'm wondering if the feeling is because i'm ovulating

Love to all xx

Kayeligh oh I'm so glad your Mum just once sat and really listened to you. Let's hope its the beginning of a new trend for her. Thank you for the idea that those parents might just think I was just being hormonal, I hadnt thought of that and it makes me feel better!

Critter oh lucky beagle! Thank you for caring about a little crossbred that would maybe have ended his days in a tiny cage all alone, I'm sure you will give each other much happiness and having a pet will be great when your frostie is old enough to enjoy him too!

Madem I totally agree with you about the support from all these wonderful ladies, it really has been a lifeline for many of us I think. Wouldnt it be great to be able to have a RL massive group hug! Sending love and strength right back at you

Hope everyone has a gentle Sunday x

MissA-I'm so sorry about all this added stress and worry you are having, especially as it is coming up to the time you became poorly with A. I hope and pray that the echo shows your little mans heart is just perfect. Are you on the insulin now? Is it keeping your sugar levels in check?

Madem-so sorry about AF, for the first few months I felt like a new wave of grief hit me about losing F every time AF arrived.

Kayleigh-I'm glad your mum listened, makes such a difference.

Waves to everyone else x

Another quickie from me!

Wish me luck I am just getting ready to go to a christening. Dreading it but need to keep in mind that this is not about me!! I need to keep it together. Anybody else feel super paranoid at these kind of events?

Critter my referral has only just gone through so I am now officially waiting. Have been reading stats on ivf and it doesn't bode well with my confidence! Lovely that you have a pooch to keep you company.

MissA sorry to hear you have been having a shit time of it. You will get through his and it will be great. I'm sure the heart scan will come back fine.

Hope you're getting lots of rainbow cuddles blue! Hope we all get there eventually.

Madam sorry AF has arrived! Know just how you feel, I'm still there 13 months later I'm sure it won't take you long!

Waves to everybody else!

Tulip will be thinking of you at the christening, and yes I too feel like a fish out of water at these things now. Just keep in mind that in a year or so it will be YOU having a christening for your rainbow x

Sorry Earth I didnt see your post! Yes I am on insulin now, and no its not keeping the blood sugar levels in check, not made any difference. So I imagine tomorrow they will want to up the dose. Makes you feel so very guilty that what you are eating is affecting the baby negatively, even though I have been super, super strict in sticking to the diet

missa i'm glad you feel a bit better, i remember being extremely emotional with Jessie, DH had left me alone in an office at his work while he went to see his sargent (he was in the army at the time) and came back 5 minutes later to find me in floods of tears, but i couldn't explain why. DH panicked and went to get his corporal, who took one look at me and just said: "hormones" haha.
Thanks earth it really makes a difference as up until then i'd not spoken to mum much about things because i was worried if she called Ben "a trauma" again i'd say something i'd regret.
tulip i'll be thinking of you today, and it's not just you. I had to attend a 1st birthday party 2 months after Ben (i really couldn't not go) and all the adults there kept staring at me, or at least thats how it felt

xxx

How did it go, Tulip? Been thinking of you xx

missa sorry that the tour of the hospital was so difficult, it is so hard to plan ahead with a rainbow pg, just feels like you are tempting fate. I hope the echo goes well, we are thinking of you, Mr Owl was asking after you and sends love too. When I went to see the delivery suite when pg the first time I cried, so everyone will think it's hormones as kayleigh said.

madem glad you are getting some comfort from the thread, it really does help doesn't it? I'm very lucky in that I have some great friends and family, but talking on here to people who know what it feels like has helped me so much. It's so frustrating TTC, I hope it happens soon for you.

kayleigh, glad you had that chat with your mum. It's not easy for parents to see us go through this, but sometimes being able to just talk about it without having to worry about their upset helps, I find.

tulip, hope the christening went OK. You have been very strong going to that. critter, glad you are bonding with the little dog, what is he called?

Waves to ducky, earth, blue. Hope you are all OK. We are doing well, I'm having a tooth pulled on Thursday... Not looking forward to that!

Thanks owl it did help to have the chat with my mum, although i'm being careful not to say too much due to mum's own health concerns. Also, i hope your dentist appointment goes ok xx

Kayeligh oh I cringe at the thought of you having to go to a 1st birthday party so soon after losing Ben, you were very brave to go through with it. Yes I suppose even those of us who have been through what we have still have "normal" pregnancy hormones too - sometimes it feels like these pregnancies are so far from normal that you forget about all the "normal" stuff.

Tulip hope the christening wasnt too tough on you

Owl Glad you cried too at the delivery suite (well, you know what I mean) makes me feel less of a freak! Thank Mr Owl for asking after me, thats very sweet of him. Hope the tooth-pulling is painless and recovery is quick.

I wanted to ask Owl Ruby Blue and any other rainbow mums who might be reading a question: did you have the whooping cough vaccine while pregnant? I am making myself even more anxious trying to decide what to do...the obstet suggests I have it as does the midwife, but I have read some negative stuff too and I just dont know whether to add to our worries by having it. That said, it seems whooping cough can be very dangerous if the baby gets it while still small. My appointment to have it (or not) is on Wednesday. Oh I dont know what to do ...any advice please?

Missa I am making the same decision at the mo, my consultant has given me the choice to have it or not and the flu jab. I have read a lot about the whooping cough vaccine and it looks like there is a slight increase in the risk of stillbirth (from what I have read) I have therefore decided against having it. And the consultant said she is happy for me to decide this. My friend had a low risk pregnancy just before me and she wasn't even offered it and her dd was fine. But saying that obviously most women have this injection and go on to have healthy babies

Jeez I'm right rambling there!

First day of no work today and have an awful cold

Am going to read back over the previous posts as it looks like I've missed a bit.

Waves to everyone x

MissA, I had the jab and I too agonised over whether to have it or not. I can't remember what swayed me to have it in the end, but I did force myself to stop reading things about it once I had made up my mind-that way doth madness lie!
Did you have a GD appointment today? Hope it went well if you did x

Just remembered as I pressed post, I think I decided that the "risk" to the baby of having the jab was unknown and speculative (as far as I could tell from my reading) whereas the risk to the baby of whopping cough (if the baby caught it) was real and very serious so I decided to have the jab. Also-my doctor friend had it-very scientific!
It is a very personal choice though, I've agonised over wether or not to give him jabs now he is here too, the worry never stops.