Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for rainbows

[missalexandra]

New thread ladies, hope it brings us all good luck.

I had the whooping cough jab, similar to earth I felt the risk of whooping cough to the baby was greater than the risk of the jab.

It's a hard decision to make tho.

Thanks ladies, right now I am leaning towards not having it. No doubt in a few minutes I will have changed my mind again and DH isnt being much help he is just saying if I think its ok then to go ahead and have it. Talk about sitting on the fence.

Hope you feel better soon Ducky. I wasnt offered the vaccine when pregnant with A either.

Earth yes I had the GD appointment this morning she has upped my dose of insulin as at the present dose it doesnt seem to have made any difference. Wish they would hurry up and get it sorted I feel like every day that passes it might be affecting his heart. Echocardiogram late tomorrow so we'll see.

Owl yes its very hard to decide, I think I'll be dithering right up until the moment she asks me what Ive decided

Would love to hear what the rest of ladies on here think they will decide when they are pregnant (which hopefully will be soon) and offered the vaccine ?

missa i had the flu jab with Ben, honestly cannot remember if i had the whooping cough one (mind like a sieve) but as others have said, if it was offered to me in another pregnancy i'd probably have it more so to prevent the baby getting it than anything else. That said, i can understand your concerns too xx

I had the whooping cough vaccine with E. I'm going to totally out myself now but I'm a childrens intensive care nurse (fx not many people would just happen to be reading this thread) so that swayed me as I have seen children get really sick from whooping cough and it's really scary. But because of my job I'd immunise against everything as I have a warped sense of what illnesses do to babies!!
I hope they get your GD sorted soon can't imagine how hard it must be after everything your been through. Hopefully the echo will be fine.

I've been enjoying the wonderful joy of my first proper AF since losing E!! Absolutely hideous still hopefully it means all my hormones are settling down. Spoke to my boss today about going back for a few shifts next month to see how I feel, they are being very accommodating and letting me dictate what I want to do. I feel like I just want to shake people and tell them not to feel so awkward about it all, it's like people worry about saying they are sorry in case I burst into years I guess but they worry they will look insensitive if they don't bring her up.

missalex I had the whooping cough vaccine too, when I was 38 weeks pregnant with J - here they also encourage everyone who will be in close contact with the newborn to have it (e.g. grandparents). I think these choices are all bound to just be mega stressful - but you are doing everything right to keep your baby safe. I wish I could magic away the rest of this time away for you!

lake good news that your cycle is back. And really good luck for going back to work next month. It is miserable and you feel like everyone is being weird with you. I would take it as easy as you can at first, you may find it very exhausting having to be 'normal' around people all day, especially in a high stress job like yours. I arranged to work from home a couple of days a week when I went back after 8 weeks, and it made a massive difference. I still had a couple of episodes where I burst into tears, and there may be people who don't know yet which is excruciating. The only thing I can say is that it does get easier. It just becomes part of your story, just like your little girl is a quintessential part of you.

Sorry for incomplete catch up. Oh and missalex my furry lodger is called Doug - it suits him perfectly! Love to all.

MissA, I wasn't offered the whooping cough vaccine, but I did have a flu vaccine in the first trimester with O. How frustrating that your consultant and DH won't offer an opinion one way or the other. Are you able to look into any peer reviewed studies (BMJ or similar) that give evidence of the % risks of the vaccine? I think that if it was me, I would take the vaccine, (then worry about it until my baby was out - not helpful I know).

Critter, Doug is a lovely name for a puppy, I have always liked it for a boy, but we have friends with a similarly named child, so had to strike it off the list.

Lake, good luck with going back to work, it seems very soon, I hope that you find you can handle it ok.

Did any of you have bereavement counselling after losing your babies? We had a few sessions (as a couple), but because we were functioning quite well (both back at work etc), she seemed to have the attitude that we were 'cured' and didn't need her services anymore - she made us feel as if we were wasting her time, basically. Even though I'm functioning really well, I still feel very battered by the whole thing, and would really appreciate the chance to be able to talk things through with someone on a regular basis, but can't afford to pay for private counselling myself. Am finding that the support of friends has very much died down now that we are five months out - we are basically expected to be 'over it'. Had a new yoga teacher last week, and I ended up having to explain that I had recently had a baby that died. She was so concerned for me and emailed me a list of yoga poses that are supposed to be good for conception and bereavement. I was really touched, and it just brought home to me the fact that we / I have have very little support of any kind (physical, emotional or otherwise) since the first month or so after O's death. PILs were very supportive over the summer, but are now dealing with FIL being ill, so we are having to be strong for them. My own parents can't bring themselves to mention O, and visibly freeze whenever DD1 mentions her name - I don't blame them, it's just their own way of dealing with things (and possibly generational too). Am just so bloody exhausted emotionally, I wish that there was someone I could lean on a bit. Thanks to everyone who responded the other night x

Hi Betty,
I had counselling. F died in Sept and I went back to work part time in Jan, I had counselling from the hospital from Sept to Feb and then started I up again in Oct when I was about 16wks pg. I started seeing an acupuncturist who specialised in fertility from the April and she was very much like a counsellor for me, I spent most of the session talking to her rather than having the needles, so although I wasn't having counselling in that time I did feel like I had support. I obviously had to pay for that though.
Have you mentioned to the counsellor that you feel you still need support? What about your local Sands group? Your yoga instructor sounds so lovely, it makes such a difference when people are kind.

Thanks for replying, Earth. Your acupuncturist sounds like the ideal kind of situation - someone to look after you in both a physical and emotional sense. The fact that the counsellor seemed me think that we were wasting her time means that I don't really feel keen on going back to her (although she did say that we could go back when I am pregnant again). I've contacted my uni's counselling service, but I have preconceptions about the kind of issues that a university counsellor is likely to have experience dealing with. I keep meaning to go to Sands, we have one not that far away from us, but we are very time poor - DP often travels for work, I sometimes teach in the evenings and try to go to yoga a few times a a week, and that's all our free time taken up. I don't seem to know how to slow down and make time to grieving, but I'm aware that I'm getting burned out; I suppose I want to see a counsellor to give me the strength and energy to keep all the plates spinning.

Betty, I wonder if an acupuncturist might be ideal then? Someone to talk to but also to help with the energy? Of course it is all more money and more time. There is a British Acupuncture Council so if you do go down that route make sure they are registered. Apparently acupuncturists don't need a license/qualification over and above hygiene in the same way a tattoo artist would so being a member of the BAC gives a little more comfort as to their credentials. I understand about the hospital counsellor and also the Uni one-night be worth chatting to them though to see what you think? I doubt they would have experience of baby loss but they probably do have general bereavement experience.

MissA-I'm thinking of you today and your little man's echo. Really hope all is well x

I have 6 free counselling sessions through the hospital with a charity called petals. Not sure if they work all over the country they specialise in counselling for trauma or loss during pregnancy and birth, the charity is called petals and the counsellor I see has been great I had a wobble with her the first time I saw he as I didn't agree with some of what she said but now I like talking to her.
MissA hope everything goes well today, thinking of you.
Thank you for your thoughts and well wishes with going back I work. I'm only going back on special keep in touch days. I've organised two for the first week of November and I have some training days next week. I'm supposed to be supernumary on these days, in theory I can have 10 of these 7.5 hour shifts whilst on maternity leave and then I'll make a decision with my boss about how I feel. My plan for the moment would be to eventually build up to working two 12.5 hour shifts a week and use the holiday I have saved to keep my hours at full time. They have been very understanding and I still have 7 weeks of holiday so they said if I'm finding it hard at any point I can have a couple of weeks holiday at very short notice. I'm quite looking forward to going back I've really missed work, but I've promised everyone I'll take it very easy and gradually build myself up taking a day at a time!!
I'm annoyed at the moment and having to hunt out the bereavement midwifes email address. She called me on Friday and said some photos we consented to had arrived. She told me they post them on Monday and that they would arrive Tuesday Morning before 12 and would need to be signed for. As yet no photos!! I don't mind if they didn't post them or if it's just Royal Mail being rubbish but she really got my hopes up that they'd be here this morning and I can't wait to see them!!!

lake i'm pleased for you that your cycle is settling, and that your work are being so accommodating to you. I hope the return to work is a gentle one.

betty we didn't have counselling, but we did see our hospital bereavement nurse twice (once when registering the birth/death and again when we saw the consultant for my blood results) and we had a lengthy chat with her both times. I've not spoken to her since, but i do have her card on the kitchen wall and she told me to ring her if i ever need to, and she's also said that if i'm struggling once i'm pregnant again she'll still be there to offer support, which is nice to know.

missa how did your appointment today go?

Love to all xx

Hello, sorry it's taken me a while to post... All been a bit busy. L was born on weds last week and we were discharged thurs, but my mum was admitted thurs with heart probs (it's ongoing but my dps have downplayed it a bit whilst I was pg). So I went straight from the ward to visit my dm! Anyway, she's doing ok & home now, although will need further investigations to work out what's going on.

Because we'd got absolutely nothing sorted in advance as we just couldn't face it we've had to do all that - little L nearly had nothing to sleep in on her first night home poor thing. The house is chaos tbh, but in a lovely way, the other dcs are just delighted that L is here safely & want to cuddle her all the time :)

missalex I'm still catching up on the thread (& what day of the week it is) is your scan today? Thinking of you. With the whooping cough vaccine I found that a hard decision too, and I'm normally v pro vaccination. I looked at this research though which seems v thorough & on that basis went ahead with it. I felt that if she got wc after she was born & I hadn't, it wouldn't be something I could live with, but if I had another abruption I'd blame anything and everything I'd done in pg in any case iyswim.

betty I didn't have bereavement counselling, but did during pg for anxiety. Tbh, I really didn't find it v useful, but I am lucky that I have several friends who are understanding listeners & I found that more useful. Do you have any friends who are't necessarily local you can be in touch with? One friend has been my long distance encourager, I've only seen her once in the last year, but offloading via email & even text has been helpful. I seem to feel a lot better when someone 'gets' how I feel, even tho it doesn't change anything, and the counsellor I saw didn't always get it any better than anyone else, which just annoyed me at times!

lake commiserations on af but glad your body's getting back to normal. Good luck with the return to work. I would suggest, if your workplace is anything like mine, asking someone to make sure people know your baby died on your behalf before you go back. People, as we know dont like to mention it... so I had so many people who didn't know (& one who had forgotten!) and because you then have to tell them they tend to put their foot in it all the more because of their awkwardness ('did you have a boy or a girl?' 'A boy, but he died...' 'Oh, let me tell you all about the abortions I saw when I worked at x hospital...'. Yes really, that conversation happened on my first day back

Sorry for another essay. Will catch up on the thread properly now. Waves to all x

We had no counseling. Went to the doctors to request it, but nothing. The midwife team were amazing, they chatted to us loads in the early days, and the hospital bereavement midwifes called every other day. Not sure what you have to do to get NHS counselling round here. I think this thread was my counselling to be honest!

blue glad to hear you and L are settling in, but sorry to hear about your mum. I'm feel like i'm a veteran where it comes to mothers with heart problems now thanks to my mum. I hope your mum's doctors find out what's wrong quickly for you all xx

We had the fetal echocardiogram this afternoon and although the baby is in such an awkward position (transverse and face down) she was able to see enough to tell us that she sees no problem for the time being To say that we are relieved would be an understatement! Thank you all for asking and thinking about us. Now we just have to keep the GD under control for the next few weeks and maybe have another echocardio at 35 weeks if they think its necessary.

Lake sounds like your body is settling back into normal rythyms which is great, even though getting AF is not what you'd have wanted right now. Good luck with going back to work, hope you can ease back into it as gently as possible. I think Blues suggestion of getting someone to 'prepare the ground' is probably a good idea, might avoid at least some of those inevitable tough moments. Must be a difficult place to work, especially after what you've been through. Grrr at the non-arrival of the photos, can imagine how frustrating that must be.

Critter Hope you and Doug (cute name) are still happily getting to know each other and all those endorphins are creating a snug environment for your frostie. When is ET?

Betty I started seeing a psycologist after losing A but she was so clueless I eventually stopped going as I used to feel worse afterwards than before. I think you definitely have to 'click' with someone to be able to talk about something so awful. I later changed to another one and am still seeing her, she specialises in child loss and I feel she 'gets' what I talk about. I think the main advantage is that I dont have to 'offload' on friends/family who mostly seem to think I should have 'moved on' so I go to her and have a good old cry and just talk about A for a while, plus my fears about this pregnancy which nobody in RL seems to want to hear. Hope things with your FIL improve, its so hard when you have to put on a brave face for someone when youre a mess yourself on the inside.

I agree with Earth about acupuncture, I am convinced it helped me start to see the light at the end of the tunnel when it had diminished to almost non-existent.

Earth I can imagine that once a rainbow arrives there is a whole new set of worries! What are you going to do about vaccines, will your little man be having them all? How is he?

Kayleigh Are things still calm with your mum? Hope all is going smoothly at school with Brian.

Blue lovely to hear things are going well with L, and that your DCs are excited and happy about the new family member. What a shock for you about your Mum. Hope she is ok. Re: the unpreparedness, I have a feeling things will be similar for us (if we get there) as we have hardly anything ready, I still have to unpack my hospital bag from when we lost A and repack it (bit of a mental block about doing that) buy tons of stuff, wash baby clothes etc. Thanks for the vaccine link, I have read it (and many others) and what hits me is that there seems to be so little evidence of its safety, which is quite normal as its only 2 years since they started using it, in the UK at least. I just go weak at the knees thinking I might be allowing myself to be injected with something that holds even the slightest risk - I think after having that massive viral infection with A I now have a (probably unrealistic) fear of catching/exposing myself to anything that could affect the pregnancy.

Owl I agree I think the best counselling I've had has been this thread!

Ducky you still feeling poorly with your cold? Hows the anxiety?

Thank you all so much for giving me your opinions about the whooping cough vaccine. I still have a few hours left before I need to decide and I'm still dithering!

Hugs to all x

missa i'm so pleased for you that the echo went well, and i hope the GD is under control asap for you. Thanks for asking about mum and Brian. Things are still calm with mum, and Brian appears to be liking school, although the school still have concerns about whether he'll cope there.

AFM today is 6 months since Ben was born, and i've already teared up once. It really doesn't seem like it was all that time ago, i can remember everything like it was yesterday. I'm planning to go up to the grave today to tidy him up (and probably bawl my eyes out) :(

Love to all xx

Kayleigh Remembering everything in detail and allowing our emotions free rein (so I've been told by the psycologist) is an important and positive part of the grieving process. So you have a good cry. Hugs for today

MissA, I'm so glad that the echo was fine, what a relief. Fingers crossed this new dose of insulin keeps the GD under control. Good luck with your decision on the vaccine, it's so hard isn't it? My DH was very pro the WC jab so that, together with my reading, swayed me. From what you've said I had the same thought process and fears and worries. Whatever you decide, try not to dwell on it, it will be a considered choice and one that you think is best and safest for your little man based on the info available to you now. Therefore it is the RIGHT decision!
Thanks for asking about M, he is great, he had brought happiness back into my life and I totally adore him. I have vaccinated him against most things, but I agonised over it. I try to tell myself what I've just told you, I made the right decision based on the info I had at the time. Doesn't help much!

Kayleigh-happy 6mths to your gorgeous Ben. It is International baby loss day today, there will be a wave of light around the world. People will light a candle at 7pm local time wherever they are and burn it for an hour to remember all the babies taken too soon. I'll be burning my candle for F and Ben and all the mums and babies on this thread.

Blue, so glad you are settling in at home and the other children are thrilled to have a new baby sister. Sorry to hear about your mum, I hope she starts to feel better soon.

Lake-what an amazing job you do. I hope the transition back to work is as smooth as possible. Blue's advice re making sure people know is good. I would also add that you should expect set backs along the way, you will have good days and bad days, I think that's totally normal.

I'm sure I've forgotten to reply to someone so will no sign post again a bit later!

Thank you missa and earth. I'm going to be lighting my candles for Ben and all our babies at 7pm, as is my best friend. So far only my best friend has remembered that today marks 6 months, which i have to admit stings a little, but makes me all the more thankful to have her in my life xx

Kayleigh and everyone else: I lit a candle too.
It's 3 months for baby G today. I'm feeling flat, sad, so empty. So not pregnant at all. I foolishly assumed I'd be pregnant again by now and therefore better. How wrong I was!
MissA I'm so relieved for your rainbow's little heart!!

kayleigh today must be really hard for you... I wish you had a little six month old. It isn't fair and you've done amazingly to get through this awful period. Thinking of you and Ben.

missalex so glad that the scan was ok. I think earth has such wise advice, you just have to go with the best decision you can make based on the info you have available at the time.

ET will be the last week of the month so a way off yet.

betty how are you doing? euro, a lovely poster on my other thread, the TTC 10 plusser one, had acupuncture with a wonderful woman who she said acted as a therapist too. I didn't have counselling, but I did have support from my parents as they had experienced the death of their first baby, and I regularly text with a couple of women I've met here who've also lost babies. And I chat to you guys and the 10 plussers who are also dealing with sucky infertility ishos, and a couple of other lovely people who email me. If you ever want to chat IRL, do just PM me - I'm far far away on the other side of the Atlantic but that also means I'm around late UK time if you ever want to talk late at night.

xpost mademoiselle - I'll be lighting a candle at 7pm my time tonight and thinking of baby G and all our lost little ones. Hang in there, you're doing so well surviving this.

X

For all our babies gone too soon x

Oh and Betty, I seem to remember or know, but don't know how, that we are pretty much neighbours. So if you want to meet up for coffee - or something stronger!-, I'm pretty shitty right now but I'm here and I kind of get you. I'm not at all claiming having a TFMR at 15 weeks is the same as having a stillborn baby, but I'm here. PM me any time xx