TTC a lot longer than 10 months past and present

[Cosmonaut1]

A thread full of the loveliest people

Ray, so you have done it on the sly as well? It’s bloody hard and adds to the stress doesn’t it. The way my scans are organised at my new clinic means i could be in as late as 11am every other day so it’s now impossible to get away with it now.
I totally understand that negative feeling for yourself but feeling optimistic for others. You probably think i have a shot at getting pregnat because i’ve been pregnant before whereas I feel that i’ve had failed pregnancies and nothing to freeze, so I feel pretty negative about my chances. Whereas for you, I feel optimistic because I really believe sperm issues are easier to overcome than egg issues and I just really think it is a matter of time for you. But hey after more than 4 years of precisely getting no where, I don’t think it’s any surprise we are negative! My acu commented on my negativity a few weeks ago and asked, ‘if you don’t think it’ll work, why you doing ivf?’ It’s difficult to explain to someone who hasn’t gone through it.

Joy that would piss me off. You're doing IVF because a vulnerable, small, fragile part of you is hopeful. But the rest of you has been kicked in the teeth so many times that of course you feel negative.

It's very easy to say keep positive if you haven't been through the trauma of long term TTC.

I will hope for you and ray. But I completely understand your trepidation.

Cos's advice on telling work was spot on I think.

That would have pissed me off too joy, people don't get it do they? You're right about me feeling positive for you. You've never tried long protocol before, have you? I do wonder if trying something different might be the key for you and I suspect with long you'll get lots of eggs so lots of chances. I think I just feel that it's not going to work for everyone and that I'm probably one of the ones who never do get to the other side. I've been here for what seems like an age and see others come and go and yet I'm still at the starting blocks. It's bloody frustrating. Even dh says that he has hope of the next round working but not expectation of it working.

Fitting it around work is so stressful. We can't do flexi time but there is a fairly relaxed attitude of you need to attend medical appointments. It's still difficult and I find I always seem to have meetings scheduled at the times when I need to be at the clinic. My colleagues must think i have a mouth full of wisdom teeth! I also felt that I should have rested more in the 2ww. But it was manic at work and I was working flat out. I regret that now even though I know it didn't make any difference.

Rabbit that's fantastic news, well done you. I'm so pleased you haven't had a further nightmare, you've had more than your fair share of tough times.

Euro she looks great, well done again. Any news on a name yet? Keep the photos coming over the next few weeks.

Joy, so you're off with the downregging, great stuff. Hmm, yes I would ignore the acu lady, you know why you're doing it, and I'm sure someone at some point on here found a study that showed positivity was not linked to outcomes. I think you feel the way you feel at the end of the day, surely it can't affect things that much biologically? I am feeling very positive on your behalf. Critter summed it up very well.

Ray I do wonder what a different specialist / clinic would say about your case. Do you feel you've seen someone who specialises in male issues? Some places do phone consultations I think. When I see your lovely photos on the other place of the two of you, I can exactly see why friends and family wouldn't guess there was an issue, I wouldn't have. I'm sure there is a missing piece of your jigsaw you haven't found yet.

Critter I'm so sad for you at all the tears, this was so not what you needed. But I'm so excited for you that you will soon be on your way to twibling. Like you say time to move beyond this shitty shitty chapter.

I had one of those great holidays where we met quite a few people, mostly older, who because of where we were I think the focus was all on the holiday and what people were doing and places to go etc - conversing with new people on an equal footing in terms of sharing holiday stories, both past and present, was such a welcome relief and reminded me of who I am when I'm not being someone who is long term ttc. It's such baggage and affects you in so many ways.

Oops, that should have been bunny shouldn't it, am getting my monikers wrong. Holiday brain?

Cos, we found the same on our holiday. We weren't surrounded by families or small kids and it was so nice not to have conversations that revolved around that. I do think that if we can survive past the thirties stage then we will reach a point when that isn't everyone's focus. We are somewhere at the minute that is a very family type of place. Totally lovely but small children, babies and bumps everywhere. Today we were eating lunch, there were two couples sat at the table next to us, I'd guess the same age and both the women were pregnant, even dh commented on there being babies and bumps everywhere so it must have been bad because he goes around in a bubble most of the time.

It's interesting that you say you wouldn't guess at our issues from photos, I was looking at some photos taken just before he ttc crap and I thought how much happier I looked.

We will get a second opinion before he next round. My clinic is annoying in terms of admin but we've no reason to think the clinical judgement isn't spot on. Fresh eyes are never a bad thing though. What are your next steps now cos?

Critter. I can see why you don't want to wait, if you're physically ok of course. I do think you've had the shittiest of bad luck, I hope with every part of me that the next twibling is the one.

critter I still can't remember what it was and to be honest it probably wasn't that profound, I'm sorry you've had tears, it took me some time to get over my miscarriages, the second I actually had alot of time of work, you need to grieve as it is a loss, I did have another thought that perhaps your twibling had attached to scar tissue?? The thing is you'll never really know, which is the hard part

ray I'm sorry you feel so negative about it, the whole process is exhausting, you and your husband are both good looking so when it happens for you, you'll have beautiful babies, I have to say the 'mouth full of wisdom teeth' did make me smile, its such a personal thing that wanting to keep it private is hard when you have to be at work

joy dring is getting you one step closer to your baby, my work already knew that I was trying for a baby due to miscarriages so I suppose it was easier to tell them, having the support from some people did really help, one of the ladies said 'I feel like I've been on this mammoth journey with you so you better come back and show us this baby' and to be honest she had, through all the ups and downs and I really appreciated the handhold when I felt it was all going wrong.

bunny massive congrats on bunny 2, fingers crossed that all goes well over the coming months

foxy what is happening with your cycle

cos I am a bit behind on the thread so can I ask where are you at with your journey??

My fridge is broken :( I am eating odd combinations of food, hopefully I won't give myself food poisoning

buzz as we are celebrating bunny's number two, this might seem crazy - but don't you have another frostie twibling for mini-bee on ice? Do you think you'd ever try again? I hear it is super hot in the UK, hope you're managing to stay cool!

cos I love getting time where babies are not the focus. Being in your thirties/early forties is just a time of life when everyone is having kids and it's hard to be around it all the time. Glad you had a nice break away from it all. You asked about timelines - I don't know - my doctor said that he'd keep testing once a week until HCG got to zero and then do a blood test to find out where I was in my cycle and then plan to start the oestrogen in anticipation of a transfer. No idea whether that means I would need to wait to have a period in between or not. My natural cycles (which seem to have returned post-baby) are 7 weeks long, so if I do have to wait for a period that could be some time off. How are you feeling? You have a six month natural trying period coming up, don't you?

ray I can imagine how immensely frustrated you must feel. But you WILL get there. You will! And as buzz says, your kids will be gorgeous. I know what you mean about the next 2ww, if you can take it easy I would, it may not make a difference but the whole period is stressful enough as it is. Did you decide on August as a cycle or are you guys waiting a bit because of work stuff?

fox how are things?

Also nelly are you gearing up for your next cycle soon?

euro hope you're enjoying baby snuggles.

critter tis tres hot here in the UK, but not as stinky hot as last year when it was in the 30's, keeping cool as the hot water has just gone joy of joys. Yes I have one frostie and yes I will go back and try, I feel I have to, I couldn't live with myself if I didn't as I would be wondering what if, but what ever will be will be, no matter what I will always have my beautiful baby and we are both open to adoption so who knows what will happen, my biggest concern is my age, i'm already 41

what was your hcg last time it was tested critter it feels like forever for it to reach 0

Thanks ladies, I'm really humbled by your congratulations.

I'm still so so sorry that many long and arduous journeys continue and I still sit aghast at some of the knobbish things people say. Especially those who are supposed to be selling "relaxation".

joy I hope you've found some way of cutting yourself some slack with work. I think Cos's ideas sounded great.

Ray I'm sorry you're in no-mans land at the moment. I always think you look stunning and happy in your photos on the other place. I really do.

Love the sound of the holidays. Cos I'm so pleased you had a great time.

Waves to everyone else. Thinking of Nelly and Fox too.

Bunny of course we're mega pleased for you, its fab news.
Buzzy I had forgotten about the frostie, do you have any idea when you might try?
Ray and Critter, you're so right, it's the level of focus that's on it and feeling like an outsider looking in the whole time. Ray and Buzzy I got conflicting advice from the last 2 docs I saw, the coventry ones who did the womb sample said throw everything at it in terms of progesterone and prednisolone, but the doc who did the op said try naturally and give it six months so I'm going to try and do that and see what happens. My period when it came was very different to pre op. Much heavier, nearly twice as heavy I'd say, and I hadn't had most of the spotting I'd normally get, so it seems the spotting was my lining coming away. The last time I saw the doc who did the operation I asked him if the septum was like having the front and back walls of my womb stuck together in a vertical line and he said yes (while looking at me like I was a simpleton). The change in af combined with having had a 5 month ttc break, plus post holiday mood boost means I'd be lying if I said I hadn't allowed some hope to creep back in. But I'm very scared about how crushed I'll feel if this hasn't worked. I would do Ivf again probably beginning of next year, just worried about the emotional rollercoaster between now and then. Of course I'm dreaming of a simple result, but don't we always every time? It's the getting your head round everything that I find the hardest. I realised recently I've been ttc the same length of time I was in secondary school.

Nelly and Fox, what's happening?

cos difficult when you conflicting advice but it sounds sensible to see what happens naturally, you can always change your mind at any stage between now and the new year, its natural to have hope, that is why you keep going on with the journey, my fingers are crossed for you my lovely

I have paid for 2 years freezing

cos being yourself sounds great. I loved anything that made me feel that way.

ray I have a little montage of wedding photos on the wall outside my bedroom and whilst ttc often walked past it thinking it was the last time I was really happy.

joy ao.com do next day delivery. When that happened to ours last year he new one was with us by 7.30am the next day - brilliant service.

buzz I'd forgotten about your frostie too. I wish we had managed to get one from our last round. That was the main motivation for doing mild rather than another natural cycle but it wasn't to be. I think the only way we would have another would be a surprise natural bfp a la bunny. I can't see us doing IVF again. It takes over your life to such an extent and I just want to enjoy centime.

euro the frostie is our only hope of another, Barry wouldn't do IVF again, couldn't afford it either, we haven't really discussed donor embryo and I don't think either of us would want to try naturally again, the thought of having to take the immune meds every month would be too much for me to cope with, we are both happy with one child, thats all you need to become a parent, I think when you go through so much to have it, that one is everything to you, I don't feel a burning desire to have another but I don't feel I can leave the frostie behind, I feel he/she deserves a chance, the thought of disposing of it upsets me but I know for some people that is their choice especially if they have a lot of embies left over.

Anyway I am very very patiently waiting for centimes official name :)

Euro, how is centime getting on? Is the jaundice improving? Are you doing ok? It must be strange to be home without her, has anyone mentioned how long it will be before she can come home?

Buzz, I'd also forgotten about your frostie. That's great that you have that option. Minibee is adorable, such squeezable cheeks. I bet strangers coo over her.

ray - i did laugh about your mouth full of wisdom teeth. I have normally come up with house leak disasters and collapsing roofs. The more dramatic, i think the more believable.

cos - how nice that you finally got to be yourself on holiday. I do think we are at a bit of a tricky age right now where everyone is in the baby phase but i have noticed that older people don't talk about their kids the whole time and you can have things in common with them. That's really good news about your period. I think you are right to be very hopeful because actually it was always an enigma that you could get a lot to freeze after ivf which means embryo quality was good. but now you have a very valid reason as to what has been going on all this time. You have been at this so long now, it really is now your break, I'm convinced of it.

buzz - it's nice that you had the support of work and a colleague. And i had forgotten you had a frosty. You have a very healthy attitude and I wouldn't be able to leave it either but I also would have no intention of going back in to ivf if we had a child. I know some people do but I guess it depends on the individual.

Euro - thanks for the link and i can't for the life of me think what i said for you to send me the link. Drugs have addled my brain!

I had my counselling session. uuum is all i can say to that. I think being on here is counselling for me. At one point I just heard my self speaking and I just thought, my god you are so boring, going on and on about this. I sound like a broken record. It's probably because I go and on about it here. I had built myself up all day to try and have a conversation with bosses about things and then i spoke to the counsellor and she told me not to! she said she would air on the side of caution just because of some of the things that other ladies had happened to them. I felt immediately relieved but now still wondering how i'm going to balance the two! Trying not to worry right now.

joy I think the link is for me regarding the fridge, which has not arrived due to the truck breaking down you know your workplace best, I can inagine some women did have problems when they told their bosses but you want to alleviate the pressure so if you think telling them will help then do so, they cannot discriminate against you

Apologies for the confusing misdirected link! Buzz I hope the fridge arrives soon. Joy I hope you don't get a fridge delivery soon!

joy I felt similar about counselling. But not at all like that with my hypnotherapy lady. You have to click with the person.

ray she was out from under the lights today and so much happier. But we sneaked a look at her charts and her levels are not stabilising so I suspect that she will be back under them tomorrow. :( But she is finally managing to tolerate milk feeds now. :) I hope she can come off the intravenous ones soon. I hate seeing her little hands and feet full of canulas. The downside to her having a full tummy for the first time since birth is that she slept, for the entire day. That's a good thing as she should be fattening up while she sleeps but meant no cuddles. Again.

euro it must be hard to see her like that but it will only be a short time, you are perfectly entitled to look at her notes, she is your baby, babies do sleep an awful lot at the beginning, hope you get some baby cuddles tomorrow and yay to milk feeds, feeding is tough enough when you are a full term baby let alone a teeny tiny gorgeous one like centime

if joy gets a fridge delivered instead of me i'll go all bat sh*t crazy

Just a quick hooray for Bunny, that's really great news. Agree with all the others, you are far from being an A+. I agree with Joy and co that I had a feeling you'd be quick this time around. .

Ooh Buzz, a frosty is certainly something to look forward to. Sorry about your house falling apart though.

Joy I was a bit ambivalent about my counselling too.

Cos so glad you had a great time, pics looked wonderful.

Euro, Centime looks beautiful, I think they often suggest that preemies will be in hospital until their due date, but my friend's 32-weeker was out at about 35 or 36 (equivalent). So I hope it is not too long. The photos are very special. I am chuckling on t'other thread about the horsey name conundrum.

Critter I hope you are doing ok, lovely. Thanks for asking about our plans, but honestly we have none yet, we are just too disorganised. And The weather here is glorious, but not mega uncomfortably hot, 25 today. But then I'm happiest at Caribbean temps so perhaps other would disagree with my assessment. I cannot and am not complaining though, it's been warm and dry for weeks and I LOVE it! In fact, despite the fact we are off on hols soon, I'm not desperate for them. I'd happily laze about here! My garden is flowering its socks off, it's light forever in the evenings, and everyone is just so happy. In fact if it keeps up for the next 10 days of sport, the world will have to reassess every stereotype ever made about Glasgow . Talking of which, I have exciting plans for tomorrow evening!

Right that was a longer short catch up than planned so sorry for those I missed.

So did you get your fridge Buzzy?

Mr N had called back the donor centre and they gave him all his last WBC results, and they had been steadily falling for 6 months. We were both pretty worried to be honest, that didn't seem like a great pattern. However, he got his GP blood test results back today and he's back up to 4.7 which is within normal range; and all other parts looked normal (so the red blood cells, and, errrr, I dunno what else). He goes back to have it re-tested after holidays and hopefully can donate again soon.

Fingers crossed it was just one of this mystery virus things.

Hope everyone else is doing ok.

nelly there have been alot of viruses going round and they are getting harder/longer to get rid of when you get them, glad he is on the mend, so where are you with your journey, are you still dealing with Serum???

no fridge yet, most probably waiting for joy when she gets home :)

Hello ladies.

nelly that's really good news about MrN. I really hope it was just a virus and that his system is now clearing itself. Very worrying when one doesn't know what's going on. Good to get it all sorted before cycling again.

cos Wow - the same time as secondary school. Urgh. You must be so sick of all this BS. I do think about sar and what she went through and the result she got. And I so hope that will be you. If the six month au naturel approach doesn't do the trick, you can try the other doctor's advice on throwing everything at it with another cycle. You are going to get there! By hook or by crook!

joy interesting about the counselling. I have considered it, but it's expensive here as insurance usually doesn't cover it, and I am just too lazy to sort it out (and have to deal with finding a good fit). And totally agree - you guys are my counsellors! I don't want to ramble on if people don't 'get' it.

fox you've gone to ground! How are you?

euro I hope your sweet little petal is off the canulas soon and that you get a chance to have proper cuddles. Thinking of you all.

buzzy It is SO nice to have you back. I missed your funny posts!

bunny offering a paw squeeze.

My hcg was 12.5 today, down from 63 last week. So I'm going back next week on Thursday for another test, and hopefully it'll be negative by then. The nurse seemed to think that I didn't have to wait for a natural period but could start up again as soon as all the hormone levels settled down. So I guess that could mean starting again at the beginning of August. Although I'm in the UK from the 23rd-30th, so it'd be cutting things a bit fine... and I'd probably be travelling during my 2ww. I'll see what the doctor says. Just want to get on with things, but don't want to do anything to jeopardise another pregnancy. I'm still spotting a tiny bit (blood-tinged CM) so want to be sure everything is out of my system.

Critter I am here but I am feeling poorly currently lying in a dark room with a cold flannel on my head. Buserelin finally slayed me with an almighty migraine. Day 40 if the evil juice! I'm sorry you are still getting your body right. If only we had ten day cycles? Big feeble love to you.

I can't compute anything to say as I really am in a bad way. I love love summer but am finding the heat, whilst gorgeous, is making my head worse.

Bunny congratulations on what I think is the first ten plusser second baby? Thank god you needn't go through 'trying' again. Woo hoo! Wishing you uneventful pregnant times.

Nelly phew to mr n. Anti bs maybe?

Cos - your new streamlined womble may well be the answer. I so so hope so.

Um fumble brain. Loves to joy, ray and everyone. My donor is now stimming and I'm on hrt. I'm spotting which is bothering me but nurse says this is very common at the start. Right now though, I'm in so much pain I don't even want a baby! Hoping acu can fix me tomorrow.

It sounds like you are very nearly there critter. I hope the timing works for you to sneak in the next round before your trip.

nelly that all sounds encouraging for Mr N.

We were told 1-3 weeks is the average stay for a 34 weeker, but of course it depends on individual circumstances. They haven't found any particular issues with her, but she was a very small 34 weeker (about average for 31 weeks I think) so I suspect she will be at the longer end of that. A week is up tomorrow(!) and she is clearly not ready for discharge yet. I desperately want her home but am slightly terrified about how small and delicate she is at the moment.