TTC a lot longer than 10 months past and present

[Cosmonaut1]

A thread full of the loveliest people

oh no Critter. I am dreadfully sorry. How terribly unfair. I am sending you the tightest hugs. Thank goodness you have the wonderful Mr Critter to lean on. Please don't do things and get busy. Its important to rest and spend time with loved ones and let this situation resolve in its own time as needed. I built up some sadness post miscarriage which I didn't know was there - and from reading this thread I notice others have felt this too. Ice cream and hugs all the way my darling. xx

Cos - Really sorry that you still find some spotting occurring. But has the mid cycle spotting at least cleared up? I agree with Joy that the main issue has been addressed now. I remember being mildly enthusiastic too about ttc after my op, a bit like a fresh slate.....and you know what happened next.

Joy - not impressed with cookie cutter clinics and clinic folk - grrr. Also wanted to say that I am with you all the way about the double rainbows. If they made you smile then they were for a reason. Sending hugs.

Hello to Ray, Nellie and everyone.

critter I'm so sorry. I can't believe you have been dealt this hand after all that you have been through. x

critter - I am so so sorry. You don't deserve this. No way. I am just so sad you are having to go through this. All my love. Thinking of you. x

Critter I'm so sorry. It seems particularly cruel and unfair. So glad Mr C is with you.

Oh no, critter :( tightest of hugsto you! Sar speaks wise words. Hang in there!

Critter I'm thinking of you loads, this is so bloody unfair. We are all here for you for as long as it takes. I'm sure you must feel exhausted by it all just now and I'm glad you and Mr C are together. Things will be ok in the end for sure but I so wish it could have been straightforward for you this time.

Oh critter this is so unfair. Sending all my love and hugs to you and MrC xxxxx

Thanks guys. I felt there was something not right over the past ten days or so, and so I am grateful that this is happening now, rather than further along, and I did at least feel somewhat prepared for it. It's funny how our instincts work - like with you fox knowing that you'd ovulated. I do want to stop taking the hormones though, feels like it's prolonging things and I just want to get this all over with. I should get the blood test results back today so then I guess we can work out what happens next. What a saga.

How's everyone else doing? euro glad you're off work. It must be impossible to concentrate right now. Gentle squeeze, we are with you every step of the way.

fox I am just so sorry that this is such a nightmare and so bloody stressful. Hormones and drugs are the worst. No wonder you're feeling terrible. Hang in there.

joy did CD1 arrive yet? Sounds like the clinic are being very irritating indeed.

Sorry for no full name check. Working from home today (I told my boss) and ploughing through emails. Thanks everyone again for your kindness yesterday. You guys are the best and I am so so grateful. We went to bed really early last night, which was nice - I think I needed to sleep. I woke up feeling and about being back at the starting line again, but work is actually a good distraction. I just need to breathe, be patient, beware self-pity, and get back on the horse.

critter I'm glad your boss is being understanding. You sound like you are doing really well.

I felt the same about stopping the drugs. I had 2 scans that showed that the embie wasn't developing as it should, but they invited me back for another to confirm it a week later. Mr euro and I had a chat after we left the clinic and decided to stop the drugs and cancel the scan. The limbo was just too much. It was actually far worse than the mc itself - at least once that had happened we could start to move on.

We're here for a handhold or rant or whatever else you need. x

Critter - not surprised you were feeling angry and sad this morning. After everything you've been through as well. I also remember being grateful that it didn't happen later on as well. Of course you know more than anyone about that. Strange you felt something wasn't right. Intuition speaks volumes.. But you have some more blasts in the freezer don't you? How are you doing otherwise?

Euro - how are you? Any more news at your end?

Hate nepotism, never used it before but had to get this going as next month will be too late for me to start. So I start take some pill this weekend for a few weeks. Is this downreg f'ing? I am not sure. Some consultants have been going through our notes with a fine tooth comb. Their conclusion is same old story . Something obviously goes wrong after day3. 95% of the time it is the quality of the eggs, hence why they wanted me to do another amh.
I don't think they will ever really know or be able to tell me why I have such poor eggs at my age . It is not a family thing and Apart from some boozy nights in my 20s, I can't think why this would have happened.
I just have to believe that there must be one good one in me somewhere. I get the feeling this will be our last try though.

Thinking of you, critter! I felt the same after the first bad scan, get it over and out :( living in depressed limboland really sucks. I am listening and here (even if I have just been on a long mn break)

Handhold for you too, euro! Different limbo, but v tough all the same. Thinking of you. Btw I had to deliver in hospital because of the broken waters and was not happy. But I did stay the night when they kept lembie to feed him and it was actually ok.

Very quick phone post to say critter I'm so sorry, thinking of you lots

Euro thinking of you as well, I really hope your delivery is as stress free as possible when it comes

Oh lovely critter, I'm so so sorry. It's just not fair. You totally don't deserve this and I was so hoping this would be plain sailing. Lots of love and do look after yourself. I can imagine their must be so many emotions battering you (and mr c) at the moment x

fox I can't believe your body defied the DR drugs! It must be so disappointing that things haven't gone as they should, but it does show how well you know your own body and puts 2 fingers up to those who couldn't find that ovary! It doesn't sound like all is lost though and keep going. You will get there! I very much understand how setbacks in treatment feel - I felt like any issues were the end of the world- but our baby making bits are all different and react differently, not necessarily badly, to different drugs.

Oh joy how frustrating. I do believe that it's just a case of finding the golden egg for you.

Euro thinking of you.

Sorry for a crap catchup. Am being summoned again..

Hi everyone -

joy are you on BCP? To regulate things? I was on that for 3 weeks before my fresh cycle. What pill is it that they've told you you have to take? This could be the golden go. Something went wrong last time - that doesn't mean it will again. New cycle, new possibilities. Look at me. Instadiff and easy pregnancy with James. MC with this one. If they'd happened the other way around, I would be panicking that there was something wrong with my eggs too.

cos how are you doing? So sorry for the spotting honey. And the general exhausting awfulness of this business. How unnerving and stressful. sar has wise words, as ever.

Just heard back from clinic. My HCG from yesterday afternoon was still well over 3,000 but I guess it must be dropping by now. Still cramping but most of the blood seems to petered out. I have to stay on the meds and go back to the clinic tomorrow for another blood test and scan. No idea what the timeline of next go is. Those of you who've had IVF mcs, do you remember how long you had to wait before cycling again? Part of me wonders whether we should try to have a go au naturel - whether the FET was part of the problem (although that's probably crazy talk) and whether I should ask for an HSG. But you know it will be sod's law that we'll miss the random once every 50 days moment when I am fertile, if we try that.

Critter I've been thinking of you lots today. All mcs are awful but this seems particularly cruel.

I mc'd in March last year and went again in June. I wanted to go again as soon as possible, but circumstances meant I couldn't (I think I had to take April off for work travel) and after that I realised that I was physically and mentally wiped out and needed a bit of time to get over it. TBH it was probably 6 months before I felt completely myself again. I know how eager you must be to go again, but make sure you are healed first. x

Ten how are you doing?

Critter, I had an iui mc and a ivf cp. After my mc I had to wait at least a cycle before going again. But that may be different for you since they are so unpredictable. After cp on ivf fresh round I had to wait a cycle too, but that had to do with getting the ivf drugs out of my system. And remember fets can and do work. We were kept up by our screaming frostie all of last night! And he's definitely becoming his own little person!

Much love and handholds for all! I am being summoned too, small waving hand from the Moses basket!

Hey ladies

lemon you and gin are my frostie role models. Love that your little chap is so feisty!

euro how are you doing? Have you had any other appointments?

How's everyone else hanging in there?

I saw the dr again today who said it looks like a regular miscarriage and that he will just continue to monitor the hcg dropping in my blood, and we'll go again the next cycle. I didn't ask him about what that would mean in terms of my weird long cycles as he seemed in a bit of a rush. I would guess that would be August at the earliest, maybe even September.

Critter a short break to collect yourselves wouldn't be a bad thing. I hope you are doing ok. You seem to be handling it well but I hope you are letting it all out and having a good cry at some point.

I had another scan yesterday that showed the blood flow as stable since Saturday (both scans an improvement on last week's). I'm clearly on borrowed time but every few days means a step forward for centime so we'll just see how long we can safely push it. I hit 33 weeks tomorrow and have more scans tomorrow and Saturday.

Euro - thinking of you and centime. I know this must be incredibly stressful. All I can say is keep going, stay as calm as you can, focus on your goal. Your new and wonderful life is just around the corner.

Critter - glad you have the option to cycle again soon. It always helps to have a plan. Miscarriage grief can be a delayed grief. Just see how you feel each day. You are a healthy woman and your fertility issues have been overcome. You will go on to have a beautiful baby. Big squeeze.

So pleased you're at 33 weeks euro. That is a great milestone. Another day closer, another day better for centime. I know this must be so worrying and horrible and not how you wanted to welcome your little love into the world. I'm thinking of you and sending you courage.

Sar thank you for checking in. I realize my posts probably sound a bit cavalier - I promise I'm not. I have howled and wailed and literally gnashed my teeth over the past few days. I guess it's just that I know my feelings about losing this little creature are compounding my grief for the loss of James, and that complicates them. It's not as bad as what happened before and therefore I almost feel like I don't deserve to feel sad about this. And I feel ragey which is not an attractive emotion. But sister critter tells me this is because anger makes us feel powerful but grief makes us feel powerless and we don't like feeling that. I don't know. MrC is also really sad. He is probably processing everything in a more healthy way than me. I went in yesterday and the hcg was dropping quickly which is good. They want me to come back next week to check it again.

Also - sar - how is your little lady? And how are you doing? You are always so generous asking about other people. I hope everything is wonderful - you so deserve a lovely experience of early motherhood.

Critter - it makes me sad to think of your anger and grief but glad the feelings are surfacing. And yes, you are entitled to feel sad and mad about your mc even though what happened with James was so terrible. I turned in to an emotionless robot after mc - really don't know why, but boy did the grief catch up with me later. So glad that won't happen to you. Interesting about sisters critter's theory on anger being powerful. I think she's right. It is something you can channel in to a forceful energy which makes you go out and work for the goal. I know when I was in the deep grief stages of ttc I felt like I'd lost my sense of self and was a blob of jelly on the floor, unable to relate to the immediate world around - scary stuff. Thank you for asking after mini sar. She is all good and I have no complaints. It seems to be easier than I imagined (maybe long term ttc makes things more balanced). I love mat leave and would make it a permanent option if I could. I feel very lucky. If I'm honest I am still traumatised by the memory of wrong diagnosis' and wrong interventions and sad sad nights of the ttc years. I don't like admitting that here as I am fully aware of how wonderfully lucky I am now. And of course the level of upset is not comparable to the pain of current ttc woes. I just can't ever ever stop hoping and rooting for everyone still on this thread. It's part of who I am. Critter - just think how wonderful things will be once you have an established pregnancy and new baby. You will be wonderful mum and your sad days will be behind you. I'm sorry this little bean didn't make it. xxxxx

Fox - how are you getting along with the yucky emotions and drucks?

sarlat you are allowed to be angry about what you went through. There is nothing fair about this for any of us.

critter I tend to get angry and I think sister critter has it spot on. I've never been good with feeling powerless.

I'm glad you have been raging. I wouldn't want you to be bottling it up.

AFM, I had another scan today and after the last two scans showed improvements, the blood flow has reverted to where it was last week. The limbo is so hard. The drs are talking about getting centime out next week. That'll be around 34 weeks, which is not too bad for the baby and a long way from what we thought we were facing when this came to light at 28 weeks.

A very quick post for rather belated hugs and sadness for Critter. Others have said it all, I'm so angry on your behalf. Sister Critter sounds wise indeed.

Euro this is a huge improvement on your initial scenario. 33 or even potentially 34 weeks is a world of difference from 28. I imagine you are not far off the time when the risks of keeping Centime in utero outweigh the benefits. It's still not fair you had to go through the worry and endless change of plans. But soon, it will be a thing in the past and centime will be here

Gotta go just now, oh Fox of course I need to add my horror at the irony re the DR fiasco. You really are being tested by the fertility gods, but you will emerge victorious, I know it

AFM, had a 23 day cycle after my 40 day one . And as far as I can tell ovulated yesterday again, day 5. Sigh.

Right, better work. Sorry for not name checking, love to all.

critter how are you doing?

fox are you still downregging? How are you finding it?

nelly I'm sorry that you are having a different kind of wtf cycle. That must be so frustrating.

I had yet another scan yesterday and the blood flow is the same as last time, so they want to get the baby out as soon as there is a NICU cot available. It's fairly likely that by this time next week, centime will be here, but I'm finding it difficult to focus on anything past the birth at this point.