Rainbow babies. Remembering our angels, riding the rollercoaster and hoping for little rainbows and sunshine.

[Little9]

An angel in the book of life wrote down our babies births. And whispered as she closed the book...too beautiful for this earth.

Fingers crossed for rainbows and BFPs for everyone!

fan both your hands are already spoken for but I am magically also holding your hand... Just trying to be non-negative is an astonishing achievement! I have EVERYTHING crossed and always will do xxxxxxxzz

Hope it's all ok fan. Thinking of you.

Very quick post so apologies if I don't name check everyone.

Fan: We all want this for you so much. Massive virtual hugs and handholding coming from the Babyh household xxxxxxxxx

Kliene: Fuming for you grrrrrrr. You are such a thoughtful person and everyone knows that so please try not to worry and keep your chin up xxxxxxxxx

Elly: Sorry about your MILs news xxxxxx

Poglol: FX for you xxxx

Snowdrop: thanks for your kind words about my grandad and the headstone xxxxx

I've had a bit more bleeding but it brown, my boobs still hurt so I did a pg test just now and it was positive, so hoping its just implantation.

Fingers crossed for you fanjo

Am holding your hand so tightly fan that your fingers might just turn blue!

kleine grrr at DH's parents - hand written thank you notes are sooooo not necessary. It is so wrong of them to even suggest that you do that - I quite like the suggestion that they might want to do that on your behalf as you can't quite bring yourself to write out dozens/hundreds of notes, when the email is more than enough. Some people just make me absolutely fume!

fan am glad to hear that the bleeding turned brown. That is definitely good. I am SO hoping it stops completely, very soon. xxxxxxxxxxxxx

blizy just to say I'm thinking of you a lot this week xx

little also continuing to think of you...

green are you feeling better? Really hope so!

elly I hope your MIL gets a definite diagnosis/treatment plan soon. I really wish, for all your sakes, it could be very, very different... so so hard.

And thanks poglol, babyh and elly re my PILs... Actually I have already suggested to them that they send hand-written cards themselves if they want to, so we are clearly all great minds thinking alike I ended up replying shortly after I posted on here last night, trying to get my reply in before DH read their email (he was predictably infuriated and fired off an angry message to them while he was on his way home - oh dear...). I have a feeling that HandwritingGate might blow up out of all proportion. Will do my best to stop it in its tracks, but I wish I didn't have to waste my time on it!

Fan, how you holding up?

Elly, sorry to hear about you mil.

Kleine wtf, to the inlaws!

2 years ago today our precious little Zoe bear's heart stopped beating and she grew her wings. Trying to get through today as best as I can. We are releasing heart shaped lanterns tonight at the time she died. Tomorrow,we are going for a champagne afternoon tea and on wed (her birthday) we will visit the crematorium with balloons and we will make a birthday cake.

Sorry not to name check everyone, but I am thinking of you. X

BLIZY... I will be thinking of Zoe today and through her birthday, I'm so sorry she isn't with you. It's all wrong. Your plans sound just perfect for her and you, you are such a lovely mother to her. Xxx

KLEINE... Shocked at your Inlaws, how very stupid of them. I'm sorry that your DH has to get worked up about it all, when that's no part of the expectation of anyone who donated money in your babies memory. Your friends would be appalled! I know it's impossible, but try not to be too hurt by it, remember the love with which these gifts were given, that's what matters. Your Inlaws are just being daft.

FAN... How are you? I hope your day hasn't been too rough, and that things have settled. It's got to be good that you have symptoms... But such a worry I know. Everything crossed here...

As for me, no actual puking today. Lots yesterday, but I think it's settled now.
I don't have another scan until 16 weeks, which will be the longest they have let me go without one. Two and a half weeks to go, we will also find out the gender then (hopefully), and baby should be big enough to spot if it has the same problems as its sister had.Time has slowed to a crawl.
I hope I start feeling wriggles properly soon, I think that will help, although then when I don't that's another set of worries.... Oh well, just need to get on with it!

Huge hugs for blizy and your DH. Two years is so, so long to have been without your daughter. I'm so sorry, all over again. Your plans really do sound so lovely xxx

green very glad you're starting to feel better...
Also hope you start to feel movements soon - and lots of them - how early have you felt your babies previously? Perhaps this little one will make him or herself known super-early, just to help you out a bit... I do hope so.
Thanks for your words re my in-laws - don't worry, I'm not hurt, and truly they couldn't begin to affect how proud we are, that friends and family were inspired by our little girl to raise so much money. I'm just exasperated by them, and cross that they've made DH cross again; they're slowly but surely pushing him away, and this was just one small example of it. All very sad but I'm doing my best to keep a channel of communication open. Lots of love xx

Thank you ladies for the hand holding, its just very faint and pink and my boobs hurt like hell. I feel better about it, but I'm still worried everytime I go to the loo. DH is so worried bless him, he's rung me several times today at work.

blizy I'm thinking of you lovely. Little Zoe is much loved and always will be. I really hope that the days are gentle for you, your plans sound perfect just like her.

Fan again magically holding yet another of your hands. Brown bleeding is a great sign, but I know it is scary as all hell. Thinking about you.

Blizy Thinking of your family this week. Your plans do sound meaningful and lovely, though I know someone is missing. Take care x

Kleine I am sorry about your inlaws. If you need someone to come and knock their heads together, just call. I will do it happily! Amazing to think the pill is the first step to your next child. I have my FX for an easy journey for you.

Green Glad you are feeling a bit better. Any gut feelings about what you are having this time? Really hoping for wriggles starting soon.

Elly So sorry to hear about your MIL. It is too cruel to have all this to deal with. Will be hoping for better news this week for you.

Angel How are you doing today? I know what you mean, it is so unfair that some people seem to breeze through life with no problems at all, but lovely people like you have to put up with a storm of shit. Take Care.

BabyH Thinking about your Grandad. I hope the news is good for you, I know it must be worrying.

WTW Glad your big girl is feeling a bit better. Sorry it is the last week of mat leave, that must be so hard :(

Mias Your girl's wood is just glorious. I loved all the pictures. My DH asked me about the photos I had "liked" on facebook, so I told him all about Mia and your project for her and he "got something in his eye". It is a wonderful legacy.

Poglol I have my fingers crossed for you. Are you usually quite regular, if you don't mind me asking? Mine were always all over the place and it drove me up the wall! We are keeping the gender news to ourselves for a little while. It is not common to find out up here (NHS won't tell you) so no one suspects we know! Our little secret for now :)

Just thinking about Gender, we did specifically find out this time so I could deal with any feelings it brought up. If I am honest, yes, I wanted a boy. I would have loved a girl too, of course, but I have always imagined myself with two boys. No good reason. If we had found out this one was a little girl, I would have had to adjust to the news I think before I could be delighted, if you see what I mean? And yes, as a rampant feminist no team pink/blue for me :D Should also explain the nickname, it's not a penis reference! Dexter was kind of named after the lead singer of a band DH and I both like. Noodles is the lead guitarist.

I think I am starting to feel something going on in there. Not kicks exactly, but something.

Sorry to have not name checked everyone, the thread feels so fast moving at the moment, and my work has been crazy busy. You are all in my thoughts, and close to my heart.

Thinking of you, your DH & your Zoe this week blizy, your plans sound really lovely xxx 2 years is such a long time, and yet no time at all xxx

I understand what you mean about finding out rainbox, I too was tempted for exactly those reasons - I always wanted & pictured myself with daughters. It's not that I won't be happy if this one is a boy, but I would prefer a girl. For that reason, I am referring to bump as 'he' a lot of the time, and thinking that it probably will be a boy, if only to try to prepare myself just in case - if that makes any sense whatsoever. Kind of hoped we would have found out by accident though, as DH really doesn't want to find out, but we'll see.

Thinking of you all - sorry, have to run now, got MW appt xxx

Elly I think we did exactly that, but the other way! Noodles has been reffered to as 'she' up to now, and we only have girls names picked out! Have a good MW appointment, my next is Thursday :) x

Fan glad you are feeling a little more positive. And that DH is being kind and looking after you! I know it is REALLY early, but would you be able to get an early scan at 6/7 weeks?

rainbox I'm not sure, I'm going to put my name on the midwifes list nexy friday if all is ok. Its 5 weeks tomorrow, so still very early. If I carry on spotting I may request an early scan. Its just all too scary, I just didn't think I would be here this month. I've never had luck like it, maybe it will all turn around now. This means also that we conceived on our anniversary, so if this all keeps going ok then this is our lucky baby.

rainbow no, I came off the pill and had none for nearly 18 months. So the fact I'm having them is good really, and many people are irregular after giving birth. My DD only born September. Hope this isn't TMI! And was kidding about the cake really, I'm not a fan of baby showers generally, and certainly wouldn't want one now!

Hang on in there fan, FX.

blizy your plans sound lovely, made me feel quite emotional.

Hope all well out there, it's helping me reading these messages. I feel less alone. I'm sorry that anyone has to go through this loss, and the carrying on part is so hard. I know lots of my friends want me to be over it now, but it's not that easy is it? I've been lucky in that I have been told I can try again, but still rather have my little one here.

Oh fan am all tied up in knots crossing everything for you. I had brown blood with Holly and also am pretty sure I did with Katie (but I thought at the time it was my period as didn't know I was pg until 12wks with her). Conceived on your anniversary, on a month you thought you'd missed and a due date to fit in with the psychics predication - I so hope this is it for you xxxx

Blizy thinking of you and darling Zoe bear today. Your plans sound perfect and beautiful. I hope you are bearing up xxx

Kleine you really shouldn't have to deal with in law shite at the moment. They need to get some perspective!

Hope mw went well Elly - how many weeks are you now?

Yay for 'something' going on rainbox before you know it you'll get that first definite magical kick

Little how are you doing lovely?

Oh Fan I hope you have had an easier evening of it. Continuing to send sticky thoughts to you.

You are such a wonderful mum Bilzy, doing these lovely things to honour your beautiful Zoe. I hope you enjoy afternoon tea and that Thursday turns out how you wish. it will never be an easy day, but I hope that marking it in your special way will bring you some peace.

Kleine Unbelievable! You are very good for trying to keep the communication open.

Elly and Green i can understand the anxiety over the sex of the baby. I am not even ttc yet and I already know that I would desperately want a second chance at mothering a girl. I know also that as if a baby boy was placed wriggling in my arms I would be over the moon too, but it is all so conflicting isn't it? Every thought I seem to have these days is one conflict after another. FX though that you get the flavours that you wish :o)

I am struggling to sleep tonight. Had a deep and meaningful conversation with DH before bed which probably wasn't a good idea. He is trying so hard to be positive all the time but I just struggle so much with it. I want to try to look positively at the future but I am just so scared about what it now holds for us. I know it must be heartbreaking for him to see me so sad all the time and there not be much he can do about it. Its not helped that I have had 3 text messages in the last week announcing the births of baby girls. I knew they were coming but it is still hard. A mixture of relief for them and sadness for myself which I then feel guilty about. One hit me particularly hard, it is not someone I am particularly close to and I had kept our sad news from her whilst she was pregnant so she doesn't know about our Isla and what happened to us, but I read yesterday that she has had a girl and also named her Isla. I know it is a beautiful name, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. My baby Isla should be here too and I should have been able to send that text. God, it is so hard.

Poglol I agree that the carrying on part is so hard. Most of the time now I kind of feel on auto pilot, getting up, getting dressed, sorting the house, doing the washing and cooking, trying to get out to meet up with people. Most of the time I'm not really feeling, just doing, like a robot.

I think all this is just being compounded by the PM results coming up on Thursday. I'm scared that they'll have answers and scared that they won't.

Sorry for self indulgent post. I thought that releasing my thoughts to people who probably understand what I'm saying might help bring sleep!

I hope you are all sleeping soundly in your beds

Morning everyone,
Seem to be falling from one crisis into another at the mo. Grandad very ill in hospital.....he has a mass on his bladder (probably the 'C' word although not confirmed yet)
Also my step MIL is another hospital very poorly (2 blood clots one on each lung)
Feel like we need someone to give us a break because 2013 seems to be turning out shitty. Although i keep reminding myself that nothing could be as bad as loosing my beautiful boy............

Blizy: You were in my thoughts so much yesterday love. So sorry I didn?t get chance to post, I said a little prayer before I went to sleep I wish your beautiful Zoe was here...... its so unfair that she isnt. Your plans sound lovely for the week sound lovely.

Angel: Thinking of you today with your appointment. So sorry this has happened to you, I wish things were different xxxxxxx

Snowdrop: All those pregnancy announcements are so tough?..especially the one who chose your baby Isla?s name. It?s so hard watching people oblivious to the things that can go wrong??unless you have been flung into this world, you relate pregnancy to utter joy??.. I did myself once because I have been blessed with two live babies. You hit the nail on the head that YOU ARE HAPPY FOR THEM it just reminds us that our babies our gone and why us? I remember thinking in the hospital??why didn?t God take someone elses baby?? Instantly, I felt terrible because we wouldn?t wish such misery on anyone??? but it just feels so unfair. Isla should be with you and it should have been you sending that text. Thinking of you with the PM results tomorrow xxxxxxxxx

Elly: It only just occurred to me that you don?t know the sex of the baby. Your bound to want another girl after losing your beautiful Nancy. I didnt find out the sex of any of mine. I would only ever admit this to you lot, but when I was preg with my beautiful boy I secretly wanted a girl. Afterwards I felt like God knew this and that?s why he was taken, which I now realise is probably complete nonesonse. Now if I was lucky enough to conceive again I would secretly want a boy??????it?s such an impossible situation. Whatever the sex, when the time comes you will be over the moon xxxxxxx

Green: Time does stand still doesn?t it??.I hope the next 2 wks fly by quickly. Are you starting to show yet? How long do you think you can keep it a secret from the boys xxxxxx

More to follow or this could end up the longest post on mums net............

Fan: Still thinking about you.....5 weeks today and your first week out of the way. Lots of hugs and hand holding xxxxxx

Little: Thinking of you and hope your ok. Its a long road but remember your not alone xxxxxxxx

Poglol: FX crossed for you xxxxx

Kliene:Still angry about HandwritingGate! I hope things are calming down now. I was thinking about you yesterday because I was convinced it was your birthday and by the time I tried to get on my phone it was almost midnight and then it ran out of charge mid post. I am probably off the mark but I just wanted to wish you a HAPPY BIRTHDAY anyway. I was also thinking that surely your family wouldn't be mean to you on your birthday which convinced me even more that I imagined it. Hope your ok chick......can't believe its almost 8 and 9 months since we lost our babies........ xxxxxxxxxxxx

Mias: Mias Wood is stunning. Your courage is such an inspiration. I hope 'F' is continuing to amaze you with his riding skills :) xxxx

Rainbox: Cant wait for lots of movement from the boybox, hooray :) xxxxxx

Whatever: Hope the sickness is all gone now. Enjoy your last week of peace at home. We should get a free pass and be paid to stay at home until they're at least 10!!! xxxxxxxx

Gotta go and get some work done, (brain frazzled now so apologies if I missed anyone)you can tell half term is over cos Ive got more time to post instead of being a slave to my 2 gorgeous children!!
I also got a phonecall today to say the headstone is arriving to the Port of Felixstowe tomorrow so FX it will be shipped up North by a week on Friday xxxxxxx

Wanted to send LOADS of love to angel for today xxxxxxxxx

blizy I have been thinking of you and Zoe so much. I think you and your DH are so so brave to have so many lovely plans of things to do - and hope that the champagne tea will help make today bearable. Huge hugs to you xxxxxxxx

snowdrop I'll also be thinking of you tomorrow, getting the PM results. It's such a hard thing to do. But I think you will manage it. You are obviously a strong, strong woman - look at everything you're managing to do, such a short time after your beautiful Isla died. It's fairly extraordinary to be able to get up, wash, cook, and try to do other things too!
I'm so sorry, also, about your friend's baby girl who shares Isla's name. That's VERY very hard. I don't know what I'd've done (or what I would do) if one of my friends used E's name... I'm so sorry. I'm glad that you and DH are talking - it's absolutely necessary to share all of these things, even if it's almost unbearable to see each other when you're so desolate.

fan how are you holding up?

babyh bless you - my birthday's tomorrow! I share it with blizy's lovely Zoe.
I'm so sorry about your grandad, your step-MIL, and just everything. Are you managing to visit them (if they're nearby?). Hospitals can be tough places to go, I know. I'm really glad though that A's stone is nearly with you... I know how much you've wanted to have it ready.
(Oh and yes I'm with you - how can it have been that long since we held our babies? )

snowdrop I know what you mean. It's hard being happy for others when all you want is your own baby. I'm finding it even harder when others are telling me they are pregnant, since it took a time to get there for us. I have accepted my baby is not coming back, but I do still want a family. Grrrr.

We have our pm coming up too, in a couple of weeks. Good luck for tomorrow, will be thinking of you.