Rainbow babies. Remembering our angels, riding the rollercoaster and hoping for little rainbows and sunshine.

[Little9]

An angel in the book of life wrote down our babies births. And whispered as she closed the book...too beautiful for this earth.

Fingers crossed for rainbows and BFPs for everyone!

Thank you all for all the well wishesm bearing up ok'ish so far.

Angl, how are you my lovely? I was thinking about you today. X

Snowdrop, I will be thinking of you and isla tomorrow, it will be hard day but s will be here to support you. X

A hard week for so many...

ANGEL... How are you? I hope you are resting up and comfortable, it's a horrible thing to go through. I really hope there are much happier times ahead for you, you deserve a break, you really really do. Xxx

BLIZY.... The sky was clear here last night and I could see the stars, Zoe is never far from my thoughts this week. I hope tomorrow is as gentle on you as possible.

SNOWDROP... Ill be thinking of you and little Isla tomorrow too.

KLEINE... Do you have any plans for your birthday? I've never known quite what to 'do' with birthdays this last year! I hope you and DH can make it special, you deserve it!

FAN... how has today been?

I went for a sneaky sleep this afternoon and had a very realistic 'nightmare' that I lost this baby, so much so that I was convinced as I woke up that it had happened and was trying to get my head round what to do, what would happen next. It was quite a while and numerous checks before I believed it was a dream. I guess at some stage these dreams were going to happen, but I'm getting scared of going to sleep they are so frequent. Just another thing to be got through one day at a time....

Hi to everyone else, have to go as DP back from London any minute! (bringing munchies)!

green I guess it is to be expected to have these dreams but how horrible for you. How many more weeks do you have to go?

Big hugs green angel and blizy xx

How you doing Fan? x

Sorry for short post feeling crappy - got my first period today since Holly. Yuck.

Hi ladies I'm doing ok, feeling very pg, quesy, bad stomach, headache and boobs feel like they are about to take off! And thankfully I've only had a bit of brown spotting this morning. So I'm feeling better, but also I'm very tearful thru hormones but also that I'm on this journey again.

green that nightmare sounds horrible, I always have vivid dreams when pg. How's the nausea today?

poglol and snow its so hard to hear others good news, we have suffered the worst and good news of pregnancy is always tainted for us. Sometimes a pregnancy annoucment can be hard to take than others.

blizy thinking of you on Z's day tomorrow. I shall light a candle for her.

Sorry not to name check everyone, I'm so knackered! But thank you all for holding my hands!

Wishing Zoe a happy second birthday.... And also wishing so much that she was here with you, blizy, to make this a truly wonderful day. Hoping and praying that you get through today with some smiles as well as the inevitable tears. Lots and lots of love xxxx

blizy thinking of you today. Two years without her is too long.

BLIZY... Thinking of you, your DH and Zoe today. Xxx

KLEINE, also wishing you a happy birthday! X

Fan, glad things have settled, and you are feeling rough in all the right ways!
My tummy has settled but I'm still a bit dizzy and not right, but that's ok. Thanks for asking!

Hope today has been gentle on you Blizy Fan is right 2 years too long without her xx

Thinking of you & DH blizy, and your darling Zoe xxx. I hope the day has been gentle on you xxx

Fan - omg, omg. Yay! Am so pleased for you, my lovely. The early days are so worrying but here for hand holding if required.

Congratulations Amy. Welcome Henry Joseph.

elly - sorry for MILs news.

Life has given me another kick in the guts. Our department is being restructured and it doesn't look like my job is on the new structure. Won't know for definite if I'm at risk until May. Can't believe so much crap has happened to us this year already and it's not even March yet.

Sorry not to name check but just feel so darn tired and fed up. Hugs to you all, xxx.

Blizy: Thinking of you on your beautiful Zoes 2nd birthday xxxxx

Kliene: Happy birthday, I wish you darling 'E' was here to share it with you xxxxx

Hello ladies,
fan I can't tell you just how delighted I am for you and I will add you to my prayers each night that all is well.
amy Huge congratulations on the early arrival of your baby boy,both names are lovely and have always been on my list!! Hoping he is home with his family as soon as can be.
angel Im sorry to read of your recent mc, hope you are resting up, maybe don't give up just yet, I had 5 mc then the loss of Thomas before rainbow Samuel came along but I do know how tough it is.
blizy happy birthday to your little angel Zoe Bear for yesterday, I hope the day was as you planned.

Samuel turns one this month which I can't quite believe. He is an absolute (adored) monster . So spoilt by all (hang my head in shame as saying rod for your own back comes to mind).

razz its so good to hear from you! And to hear how well Sanuel is doing, I guess being the youngest he was going to get spoilt. And thank you for the prayers.

Razz, fab to hear from you!

Fan, how are you?

Thank you all for the kind thoughts over the past few days. This week has brought tears but also lots of smiles remembering our little girl. Yesterday, dh and I baked some cupcakes, released balloons at the crem (which ended stuck up a tree, oops!), had family young for some bubbly and cake. However I heard nothing at all from my older sister, I am so close to cutting ties with her.
Oh, and my fucking bastard period arrived yesterday, of all days it picks Zoe's birthday!

Snowdrop, how was the pm report? I hope you are ok, I was thinking of you and Isla yesterday. X

Huge waves to everyone, sorry not to namecheck you all.

Hi all,

Thank you for your wishes for yesterday and Isla's PM results. The meeting wasn't as awful as I had feared - the consultant was very nice, sensitive and didn't rush us or anything which was good. He was also there waiting in reception for us so we didn't have to speak to anyone we just went straight into the meeting so that was helpful. Basically, they can find no solid reason for why our little angel died. There was no sign of infection or problems with her organs or the placenta. The indicators are that what ever happened to her, happened very quickly. The cord being tightly wrapped around her neck (which we knew when she was born) is the only thing that 'might' have been the cause. It is very rare that the cord causes death (in these cases it often becomes tight after death) but in our case it was possibly the cord but they can never know for certain.

I wasn't sure how I would feel if it came back with no reason - it seems such a waste that it could 'just' happen. But on the other hand I am relieved in a way that there was nothing anyone could have done to save her. I have been going over and over in my head whether it was something I did or whether I got to the hospital quick enough but it seems that nothing I could have done would have made any difference. I guess I am also relieved that whatever happened, happened quickly. He said that medically, my next pregnancy will be low risk, but we will have lots of scans and appointments to help us through it and he would care for us personally. So now it is just a question of when we have the courage to try again. I know you brave ladies have all been there and made the decision to try again and I know you are such a help to each other so I hope soon I can join you.

Bilzy I'm glad that yesterday and this week has gone as well as it could have for you. I was thinking about your little Zoe yesterday and lit a candle for her yesterday evening. I'm pleased that you were able to smile as well as the inevitable sadness. Am very annoyed that AF chose to show up on that of all days and also about your sister....

Green - I hope you have had a rest from the ghastly nightmares...

Little I'm so sorry about your job. How completely crap. I do hope that it works out differently in May.

Kleine I hope you managed to have a nice birthday yesterday. I know it can never be quite the same without your darling E but I hope there was some celebration for you.

Fan Hope things have settled down a bit. It must be so hard to relax. Thinking about you.

Poglol What date is your PM due? I haven't had any 'new' pregnancy announcements yet (apart from on here which obviously brings nothing but hope and joy!), so will have to see how I react to those...

Sorry for not name checking everyone else but I hope you have all had an ok week.

xxxxxxxx

blizy my candle burned bright for Zoe last night. And I was thinking of our two girls being close in age they would have made great mischeif together.

snowdrop we are here for your journey for the lead up to ttc, ttc and after. Your consultant sounded lovely, I'm glad they looked afyer you. I blamed myself too for Fi's death even though there was nothing I could have done to make a true knot in her cord.

I'm feeling ok, my boobs hurt but that might be because I've been poking them every 5 minutes. Felt really sick this morning, so all these symptoms are very reassuring. But its still very scary and I'm sure that will never change.

Sorry I didn't say it yesterday kleine but I hope you had a nice birthday and did something special. I don't know how you feel about them but I feel empty on my birthdays now, and hate having to answer people who ask 'are you having a lovely day?'

Still keeping everything crossed for you fan.

Blizy glad you had some smiles remembering your beautiful Zoe. So sorry that bitch turned up though, worst possible timing.

Little, I'm sorry about your job, such crap news.

Got my section booked today for 10th April - 5 wks on wed, counting down the days already, so worried but everything seems to be going ok so far.

elly wow five weeks to go! Have you got names sorted?

(Today I am pregnant, today I am pregnant, god this is so hard)

Hi ladies, we are away in a hotel on the coast this weekend (took everyone's advice and booked a v short break using my birthday money!). Wi-fi is bit dodgy so just a short message. Got through my birthday ok but yes it felt very strange and quite sad. And am now taking the pill, which is also very strange - we have a stressful couple of months ahead of us.
Anyway just wanted to send love to you all and - from a v quick read of this page - esp to blizy, snowdrop, little, green, babyh and fan. Also thinking of angel, and elly eeek five weeks! I know you're terrified - I'm so excited for you though xx

I hope you are both managing to enjoy your weekend away - we had a beautiful spring day here yesterday, I hope you have had good weather there too xxx

Fan, I hope you are still doing ok xxx

Love to all you lovely ladies xxx

Also back from a lovely weekend away in London - beautiful spring weather, and lovely times with friends, reminding us why we enjoyed living there.

Kleine belated happy birthday and how was your own time away?

Snowdrop it must be a relief to have had the discussion with the consultant.

fan how has your weekend been? Keeping yourself occupied, I hope?

blizy just hoping that you haven't come down too hard after Zoe's birthday, but that you are feeling like you celebrated her properly.

ellypoo wow, exciting!! it's such a relief to have a date fixed, isn't it?

green are you fully recovered now?

razz ah, one year for Samuel. Fantastic!!

angel

babyh too. How are your grandad and MIL at the moment. And yes, you definitely deserve a break.

little yuck, job uncertainty is very hard, I think. I hope it sorts itself out soon, with you on the right side!

whatever do you start work again tomorrow? Hope it isn't too challenging leaving your beautiful Holly.

blue how is Lotta? I took Finn to a baby massage class on Friday, and he made a rather "interesting' impression. Hmm. Arrived asleep, then woke screaming, as he was hungry. Fed him, then he pooed everywhere. Stripped him off, put on a change of clothes, and he was then copiously sick all over the only extra babygro top I had brought with me... all while the other babies happily were being massaged. We finally joined in, with my chubby boy just in his nappy, happily looking around and cooing and being completely adorable. I had to giggle. Must try better this week.

How are you doing fan? Been thinking about you lots!

Sounds like a good weekend Mias love hearing about Finn's little adventures. Holly loved baby massage but it did seem to bring out the loudest amounts of wind out of her! Thank you for asking - yes today was my first day back, cried my eyes out leaving H and she was only with my mum today god knows how ill be leaving her at nursery!!

Did you have a nice weekend away Kleine?

5 weeks Elly wow! Excited for you xx

Sorry not to namecheck everyone - am shattered! Lots of love to all though xx

Just up for a little while, bad dreams again so trying to clear my head....

I hope those of you who were away enjoyed yourselves. MIAS...I am just beginning to be able to think about London without immediate horror, but we used to spend a lot of time there and loved it, good counterpoint for rural non multicultural Devon! Hopefully we will enjoy it again soon! Funny to think of Merryn as a 'London girl'...
MIA'S woods sound perfect, Such a lot of love to plant!

KLEINE, I hope you found comfort in the waves, and nature around you, sometimes it helps me, other I feel how small I am in everything. Not that that's a bad thing, I guess! I'm sorry you are having to go down the Ivf path, but so glad you are starting, if you see what I mean? You a both very brave. X

FAN... How are you? It just terrifying isn't it? I hope everything's going well, I'm still sending lots of positive thoughts your way.....

ANGEL... Such a shit time you've had, how are you? Have you booked that holiday yet?

ELLY... Not long to wait! You've done so well, I hope the last weeks are quick in passing for you!

WTW... I'm sorry leaving H was so hard, although I cant imagine it could be anything else... Well done though, brave lady!

SNOWDROP... I'm glad your consultant meeting is done now, always such a big step. I never felt brave for trying again, just that there was only this way to move forward, I think (for me) it would actually have been braver not to! Im sure when the time is right to try, you will feel it and go from there, and we are all here for you. Xxx

I know I've missed lots of you, but it's silly o'clock and I need to try to sleep!

My mum is visiting tomorrow, for two weeks. Hmmmm. It'll be the second time since Merryn was born. She will be here for mothers day. We have a complicated relationship. Two weeks is a very long time, but she is frail and it's needed for her to manage the travel. I can't go into detail, I'm v findable here if anyone cares to try, but it will be a long two weeks. She loves me v much, which is the main thing, and we will get through it.... I'm going to sleep now, hope the dreams are done for tonight.

green I'll join you in the bad dreams, horrible!