Rainbow babies. Remembering our angels, riding the rollercoaster and hoping for little rainbows and sunshine.

[Little9]

An angel in the book of life wrote down our babies births. And whispered as she closed the book...too beautiful for this earth.

Fingers crossed for rainbows and BFPs for everyone!

[OwlinaTree]

Oh Jules. It's so hard isn't it? But she is just doing what is normal now re Facebook. I'm not on it myself, but I know my husband blocked a few people when they first gave birth for precisely this reason. I'm sure she would understand if you did this.

You have been really considerate of her to text, well done. Unless she is a completely stupid person she will appreciate this. Try not to be offended at the lack of invite, people just don't know how to treat us.

I'm thinking of you.

[missalexandra]

Hi ladies,

Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts these past days. To be thruthful I'm not doing well, I really am almost at the end of the road now and the thought petrifies me. Losing Alex has been devastating for us both, but DH already has a daughter from a previous marriage so he cannot fully understand how facing a childless future is for me, although he does try to support me and has been wonderful these past months. In fact he has been wonderful through these long, long eight years of trying, never once complaining about the fact that I have ruined us financially as well as emotionally. He tells me that we will be fine just the two of us, but how can I tell him that that although I love him immensely it just isnt enough? That the love I feel for him is not the same as the love I want to give to a child? Yesterday I had a look on the Net to see if there are help groups for childless women/couples...and there are, but it is all so depressing that I couldnt read much. They all try and find meaning to life without children but in the end its all the same...voluntary work, lots of dogs/cats, doting on nieces/nephews etc etc. I simply cannot face life anymore if that is all there is.

Bluesky, Owl, Star, Misschord, Jules sending you all love and hugs. Sorry for the me, me , me post xx

[OwlinaTree]

missa I so wish I knew something to say to you, that would be reflective of my deep sympathy for you. You are in my thoughts constantly at the moment.

Everything I try and write seems inadequate.

Please keep on posting if you can. Sending you love and hugs back xx

[BlueSkyandRain]

missalex I just wanted to echo what owl said (more eloquently than I can, even if she doesn't think so). I think about you so much. Please do post if it helps at all, and you are totally allowed me me posts. Please take care xx

jules no particularly helpful advice but I would at least change settings (better still avoid fb) so you don't see that stuff. It must be so hard to deal with :(. It's no consolation, but my 6 yr old is having the same troubles, as one of his classmates brought in the scan photo for show and tell as her mum is expecting. He's feeling really sad atm, asking 'but why did our baby die?'

Argh, it's just so shitty. Take care everyone x

[Star0909]

Hi everyone, sorry I have only just seen the recent posts.

MissA I am SO sorry that you are feeling so low, I would have thought how you are feeling is totally normal, not that that is any consolation. Like the others, I wish I could say something helpful or take a bit of your pain away, but we are here and please keep posting if you want to. You are not alone and we are here to listen. Have you considered counselling? Would your clinic be able to offer some suggestions?

Jules I'm sorry about your friend, although it is hard, she probably doesn't mean to upset you, she just won't know how to reach out to you. Well done for texting her, that was a really brave step. I have now got DH to change the password on my FB account (it is still there to go back to if I want) as I was finding constant baby news too upsetting, particularly from a friend who had a baby boy the week F was due. Another person I know just had a boy 10 days after F's birthday, I haven't managed to congratulate her....

Blue your poor son, it is hard enough for us to try and make sense of what happened, so for little ones it must be even harder. I hope he is feeling ok and the teachers are supportive.

MissC are you ok?

Owl let us know how the cupcakes go down if you make them! DH got me a KitchenAid for my birthday and it is shamefully still sitting in the box waiting to be used.

Hi to anyone lurking, hope you are holding up ok x

[OwlinaTree]

Hi guys not much news here. Am full of cold and wishing I could feel the baby move for reassurance that all is well. No reason why it shouldn't be OK but just wish I could feel it more. 18 weeks is still early to feel movement tho isn't it?

[BlueSkyandRain]

:( sorry you're feeling rough owl it's miserable having a cold when you're pg and there's nothing you can take. Pretty sure it's normal to not feel much til somewhere between 18 & 20 wks, and it can depend on where the placenta is & is pretty subtle til later on (which is possibly the kind of movement you remember?). I felt my first really early, but my second was much later & I remember worrying about it even then when I was innocent.
Hope you're putting your feet up and drinking hot vimto or something, look after yourself x

[OwlinaTree]

Thanks blue I have a horrible cough which is the main problem. I'm sure I'll feel something definite soon.. Im just impatient!

[misschord]

Hi ladies, sorry I haven't chatted for a while - it's been a mad busy week as we are doing a clay pigeon shooting event to fundraise in memory of our daughter and it was the first day on Saturday, then we're going all through next weekend as well. I am keeping you all in my thoughts, especially missA. Lots of love. xxx

[OwlinaTree]

Good luck with the clay pigeon shoot missc hope you raise loads. Is it for SANDS?

[tallulahpolly]

Just wanted to give some hope to those TTC after a loss.It would have been Jacob's 2nd birthday today and we think of him so much,but our rainbow was born 8 months ago and is an utter delight.It was very hard when he was first born as it highlighted how much we missed with Jacob,but cuddling ds2 makes me grateful every day for a second chance.I send all of you who are trying again the very best wishes. Pregnancy after a loss is stressful and can be frightening,but it is so worth it.

[misschord]

Hi Tallulah, thanks for your lovely message. Good to hear of a success story as I think we can all get a bit obsessed with the possibility of multiple losses.

Owlina No, we're raising money to buy a new piece of play equipment for our local village playground. The local community has been so supportive so we wanted to give something back, and it will be Katy's legacy to the children who would have been her friends had she lived.

[OwlinaTree]

That's a lovely idea missc. I hope you raise loads!

[OwlinaTree]

Hope you are all OK out there! I'm still suffering with horrible cold, sore throat and cough, feeling sorry for myself.

Worrying about the baby, seems like ages since last scan, starting to worry about next scan. Just wish I could look forward in time and know everything is going to be OK this time. I keep telling myself that there's no reason to think anything is wrong but I just can't help worrying.

[missalexandra]

Hello Ladies,

I'm sorry I've been away so long, I just didnt feel up to posting or anything really. Thank you so much for keeping me in your thoughts, it means a lot.

I have some cautiously good news. After our latest failure the doctor said if we wanted we could go straight into a new transfer with our remaining frozen embryos. She told us to prepare for the worst as they were not particulary "good quality", in fact one of them didnt even survive the thaw. I was so, so convinced that it had not worked that I have already started buying books on how to cope with childlessness and joining support groups. But...we just got the biggest and most wonderful surprise...I am pregnant! We can hardly believe it, we are so thrilled yet so scared at the same time. I will have another Beta blood test tomorrow to make sure the numbers are doubling, but for the time being its a positive.

Such a conflict of emotions...thinking of A, knowing she should be here. Feeling guilty at feeling happy. Petrified of things going wrong again...

Sending you all a big hug xx

[Star0909]

Oh wow, MissA that is AMAZING news, I was just thinking of you this morning and wondering how you were so logged on to post a message and got this wonderful surprise! I am completely thrilled for you (cautiously of course).

Owl I think the worry is completely normal, my acupuncturist said to me that people respond to life based on their own experiences and in our experiences our babies died, so it is completely natural to be worried. I hope you are managing to get through the days.

Blue how are you?
Jules I saw quite a few butterflies last week and they made me think of Ben. how are you?

MissC what a wonderful fundraising idea, I hope you manage to make lots. Are you all settled in your new home now?

Ladies, I'm sure you know already, but today is baby loss awareness day, the hope is that everyone around the world will light a candle at 7pm local time and there will be a wave of light today to remember our babies. I will be lighting a candle for Finn and all of the precious babies I have come to know about from this thread.

Love to all xx

[Star0909]

[http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/1882418-International-Baby-and-Pregnancy-loss-Awareness-Day-Wave-of-LIght]

If you have time pls post on this thread to keep it bumped up the list and raise awareness x

[Star0909]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/1882418-International-Baby-and-Pregnancy-loss-Awareness-Day-Wave-of-LIght

Sorry, hopefully this link will work

[OwlinaTree]

missa your news has totally made my day! Congratulations from me and Mr owl. Fx for you all, really hope this one sticks.

I can't think of better news at the moment.

Thanks for the link star weve got a little candle in a holder we bought to light for our little one on Christmas day, so will light that tonight.

[Little9]

That's wonderful news miss. Got everything crossed for you and lurking if u need a hand to hold.

I'm the same as u owl. I should be 12 weeks now and have my next scan a week on Friday. Just wish I was past the 24 week stage so I can start to relax a bit. Then again, if it's not going to work out, wish it would happen sooner rather than later! What a predicament :(

Hope everyone is ok, xx

[missalexandra]

Star thanks for the good wishes! And for posting the link...it was very touching thinking that so many of us were remembering our precious babies and lighting candles at the same time.

Owl I'm only two days in and already worrying myself sick, so can only imagine how bad it gets. I imagine its just so normal for us to fret, after all we no longer have the innocence of just trusting everything will go right. But, on the other hand why shouldnt it? The vast, vast majority of all pregnancies do go well. Thats what I'm repeating to myself anyway. How are you doing, have you relaxed a bit?

Little totally understand what youre saying about the sooner rather than later predicament. What are you doing to stay calm when the anxiety hits? I often bake when I'm really stressed, it helps to take my mind off things a bit. But if I make cakes every time I'm anxious I'll end up the size of a bus! Any tips?

Waves to everyone else xx

[Little9]

miss I've just recently found that baking is good for giving my mind something else to do. But the waist band seems to be protesting (keep saying it's baby but I don't think it weighs half a stone yet!) :) I also end up cleaning normally when I'm stressed but have been too tired recently. The best way for me at the moment is using the usual "today I am pregnant" mantra and not looking too far ahead. I'm not telling anyone at work until they ask me even though I think they've already guessed, so no-one asks me loads of questions which I either can't answer or don't want to think about yet. Have had a scan nearly every 2 weeks so far, so have just concentrated on getting to the next one each time. It's never gonna be easy for us unfortunately but just try to relax, xx

[BlueSkyandRain]

missalex that's just the best news ever, I'm so so pleased :). And have everything crossed xx

I've not been on for a little while, just letting life chug along without thinking about it all too much. So I missed the posts about baby loss awareness day, thanks for that star I didn't know anything about it and surprise surprise didn't come across it anywhere else. I wonder how we can help to raise awareness more? Just thinking for next year.

little glad everything is ok so far, was worried you hadn't posted for a while.

owl sorry you're struggling with the worry. Is your cold any better now?

[missalexandra]

Bluesky thanks for keeping everything crossed! How are you doing?

Little I know what you mean about the wasitline. The other day I made Foccaccia bread for the first time, and when I saw it in the bowl after it had risen, all pale and flabby and huge...it reminded me so much of my stomach that I had to laugh! Will take up your "today I am pregnant" mantra I think.

Owl are you feeling better from your horrid cold? DH has kindly passed his onto me and now I'm stressing about getting a cold sore (I usually do) as Ive read they can harm the baby. Can we use Strepsils do you know?

Star hugs

AFM the results of the second Beta Hcg are not looking good, they are supposed to double every 48 hours and mine havent, far from it. And theyre still quite low. And to make matters worse this morning when I got up I found a big squished imprint of a bird (pigeon I reckon) on the living room window. It looks JUST like an angel. So of course Im thinking it might be a bad omen that this baby is going to become an angel too gosh could only say something as paranoid as that to you ladies and know you wont think Im totally mad...

Love to all xxx

[Star0909]

Hi MissA that's not good about the hcg, when will they test you again? I can understand the crazy squashed pigeon/angel omen, that is exactly the sort of thing that would cross my mind too so we can be totally mad together. Having said that, it DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING! Today you are pregnant and hopefully your little bean will stick and start growing big and strong.

I really need to get on and do some baking, I love it but can't seem to find the energy or enthusiasm at the moment.