TTC for 10+ months, part 9

[akuabadoll]

Ladies, number 9. The lucky one.

Hello ladies. Firstly to say to care that I didn't mention your BFN, so wanted to say how sorry I am. We're all here for you. Big hugs.

critter would you mind PMing me the Fertile House address .

So have cried a lot and rationalised a lot and still not sure exactly how I feel. But we have a plan of sorts. Firstly to go ahead with the Sept IVF as best we can, although haven't called the doc back yet and he might not be keen. But next plan after that, if I don't respond well, is natural at ARGH (is that right?). Even though that means I'll have to figure out spending time in London. In the meantime I'm going to find an acupuncturist and take Q10. I'm already taking Omega tablets and aspirin, albeit not regularly so will continue this. I won't take DHEA yet but might if I get a poor response the first time. And then if none of this yields results we will probably do donor eggs. I did say to MrN I'd need to be sure I wouldn't be bothered by the fact a resulting child would be biologically his, but not mine; but I'm definitely open to adoption so I think this would be an ok option for us too.

So it's a plan of sorts. Of course, what I'd really like is for this spotting to not turn into anything, a la ladygee, and it'd all be irrelevant. But somehow I know this isn't how it's going to be for me.

Out of interest, does anyone know if cholesterol can affect fertility? My mum told me the other day hers is high, and it's genetic, not diet related.

sorry for all the Me posts today. I'm acutely aware that we all have our own huge weights to bear, and I've been very much on the "take" scale recently. But I just read a blog where someone said that the low AMH result was by far and away the worst part of the journey. So maybe it can only get better from here? :)

frannie so sorry to hear about your nephew, hope all goes well in the next wee while

hi heart - waves- endo sounds very scary, but you sound like you've learnt lots about it - and Knowledge is power! fingers crossed that after excision/ablation you'll have some luck

pout I am so glad I'm overseas and have not seen that ad!

nelly I don't know about AMH, but it sounds like the more knowledgable on here have questions about the relevance and usefulness of testing it -I think, ignore the number, treat the patient. Like what your OH says -he sounds very supportive. I think good to have a plan, makes it easier to face the future. I know that donor eggs are something I'd have to give some thought too as well.
No idea about cholesterol sorry -but on the positive side have never heard anything bad?!
Don't worry about the me posts - not a nice thing to hear and this sort of forum is for give and take - sometimes you give more, sometimes you take more and we're all in this together. Better out than in!

gin how irritating about the appointment - hope they sort something out for you - posh nosh and 5*accomm sounds ace though - enjoy!

Just been out for with my wonderful supportive best friend (who is visiting at the moment). She's single which makes me count my DH blessing (like critter and your sister, puts things in perspective), but actually so good to talk to about these things - I feel awkward with some of my friends with kids - there's too much sympathy to be helpful (on the other hand, some are fab as said up thread!). I wish that neither of us had woes! She's so wonderful that I know she'll be snatched up by someone great and I hope she doesn't have this TTC horribleness. We used to joke about having 7 kids together and making our DH's wait on us hand and foot. Never occurred that at 34 we'd be single or not very fertile. Probably just as well!

best start getting ready for tomorrow

Hi, I havent got internet for next couple of weeks and phone is awkward so my posts will be short. Just to say Frannie so sorry about your nephew, really hope he's ok. Muddy so sorry about your tough day, This stuff is so awful. Agree with others AMH not be all and end all. Impressed with your planning. Hi to everyone else and thank you so much for all the good wishes, means a lot. Am not too bad, no tears yesterday. X

Sorry to see everyone is having a tough time again. Particularly nelly have an AMH dispelling hug. You will get there, and you and MrN sound very level headed about it. Well done you.

And I am so sorry care I was really hoping it would be good news this time. Well done on no crying yesterday, but feel free to cry and off-load if and when you need to.

Frannie so sorry your nephew is so unwell. Lurk and come back for support if and when you feel like it, I really hope he recovers well. Big hug for you and family.

Re: lovely people who are single, I have some of those too. I just don't understand, but then I was single for many years, and that has worked our quite spectacularly well, so I hope it will be okay for all the lovelies. But getting stuff tested is brave, and I would never have done that then. I am a definite head in the sand type...

Here is is 11dpo and no symptoms whatsoever. We're off for a long weekend after work so don't talk too much, because I have a hellishly busy time at New Work (and I don't dare to do sneaky MNing, yet) so it is difficult to keep upto date!

Hi Critter yes I am the crap artist formerly known as purple what is this strange thing "great sex" you speak of? A supplement or test of some kind? Available in Scotland it seems. Must google.

Hello and welcome heart

Sorry to hear you found the second child talk hard bunny , rabbit I think your comments on this were very insightful. Each situation is unique and each experience is unique. I find I can't work out whether I'm thick skinned or over sensitive, perhaps it depends on the day. What I do know is no one can do anything right around me, or say anything right. I'm TTC # 1 but also a mother and we live in a context where people struggle to grasp the idea of a single child let alone non bio (don't even get me started on mixed race). I know that personally the last six months has been the time that I have been most consumed with TTC of all the time since coming off the pill. At least I think I can identify why, a weird combo of the age-related panic, location specific choices and the sibling issue.

MrsM I don't think I realized that you were also overseas until this thread, don't know how I missed that. Any clues as to where? nosy

buzzy I hear you on not paying enough attention to IVF chat, my reasons are a bit different but the result the same.

Nelly I never heard of cholesterol and fertility links. My mother also has high cholesterol, also genetic. She was uber fertile and stalked during my teenage years freaking me out about how easily I would get pregnant (she assumed, like mother, like daughter).

Yes Critter is right, true friends want you babies or not. Actually Joyce its my experience that I appreciate mine more (parents being so damn dull and all).

Gin I was rather looking forward to some posh nosh too, at a wedding we were going too. I found out in passing yesterday that kids are not welcome and I don't have a solution to fix that so posh nosh cancelled. The bride is pregnant, I wonder what she will think of her decision in a year or two. Not that I'm against kid free events at all but in this case it means I will miss it.

lemon busy at work? It's better at 11dpo, right?

care I do hope your circumstances are a good kind of internet free rather than a bad kind of Internet less, if you know what I mean. Thinking of you, take care.

Lastly, much love frannie I can only repeat what has been said. Life is really not fair. Children are so strong but it's a very difficult thing to face. Thoughts with you.

Morning all

Testing times on here. I'm really sorry about your nephew, Frannie, what awful news. You're right, it does put things into perspective, but don't feel guilty about your own worries. I understand you needing a break but please pop back occasionally and let us know how you and your family are doing.

Nelly I'm sorry about the AMH result but I second the comments on here about its reliability - it's one test out of many and there are so many stories about women with poor results getting pg, often naturally, that I wonder why clinics bother with it. From what I've read in 10 mins on google it sounds like an indicator that natural rather than stimulated IVF might give better results. ARGC might be the way to go for you. Hugs and I hope you get some clearer information soon. The donor egg question is a difficult one. It's a bugger that this has timed with the anniversary and impending AF. Anniversaries are crap. We are approaching a year since I went to the GP for a referral and aside from 5 months of feeling like a crazed loon on clomid I don't feel any further forward.

Heart welcome. It sounds like you've been through a rotten time with the endo, I'm sorry about your mc. I hope now the endo is sorted you'll have an easier time. I tend to forget this is an entirely public forum - I feel I'm chatting to my mates not broadcasting my most personal feelings to the world. I love it when lurkers break cover!

Pout I shall be alert for the 'sickening montage of pain'... I hated that John Lewis advert Heart mentioned. The other one I can't stand is that car ad that follows a couple through singledom, engagement, marriage, babies, all in the right order, rosy glow, vomit.

Rabbit I'll have a muffin. I have a wide selection of supplements and herbal whatsits that I buy randomly thinking they might help then take in an equally random and scattergun way - multivitamins, B12, B6, omega 3/6, zinc, agnus castus, evening primrose oil... Might as well add Q10 and aspirin to the mix. Oh and the sodding folic acid pills which stick in my throat. AFAIK hycosy and hsg do the same thing so I would have thought the restrictions would be the same - I shall continue to nag, though I don't stand a chance of having it this month due to work commitments, so there's no point in even ringing. The consultant doesn't see the point in doing it as we are heading for IVF anyway but it's important to me because this might identify what's wrong (or at least what's not). It baffles me that they can't understand that.

Critter I know an older child free couple like the ones you mention who met in their 40s. They have a terrific lifestyle, always off travelling and doing stuff and are totally devoted to each other. I am sorry for your sister's situation though. Like Lemon I spent many years in the single wilderness and feel very lucky to have met Mr A. Meeting someone half decent especially in your thirties is a nightmare. I've got a very broody friend who is mid-thirties and single, she'd make a terrific mum and has always wanted a big family but is starting to come to terms with the fact it might not happen. MrsM it's a bit like your BF in that she's the one person in RL I can talk to about this stuff and who doesn't either pity me or come out with the 'it'll all be OK' line. She also brings me down to earth occasionally which is a good thing - points out that, while this situation may be shit, at least I am in the game. Old, unfit and knackered, yes; but still in the game.

Bunny I'm sorry if the one child conversation upset you. I certainly didn't mean to imply that anyone with a child should be happy with what they've got. Infertility whether primary or secondary is equally shit and as akuaba says, everyone's experience is different. In reality given my age I don't stand much chance of having more than one so I need to convince myself that that's all I want... though as you point out from your own experience, our thoughts and feelings are liable to change. It must be particularly hard for you and your DP to not be allowed further investigation or treatment. I understand you needing to take a break. I hope you can get the endo treated, I'm sure that'll make a big difference for you.

Buzzy good news on the follies and fx for IUI success.

Gin bloody clinic! Hope they have rescheduled. 5* accommodation and posh nosh sounds great though

Care hope you're doing okay, thinking of you.

akuaba i was scratching my head at this thing called 'great sex' too. Is it available on the NHS? I might have encountered it once upon a time but I'm struggling to remember. Recently I have had to explain to MrA that getting into bed and looking hopeful does not qualify as foreplay

Random question. Has anyone encountered acupuncturist Emma Cannon and her book the baby-making bible? I ordered it from Amazon in a fit of random clicking (really shouldn't do online shopping with PMT). It is basically diet and lifestyle advice based in traditional chinese medicine but she is very into 'positive affirmations' and suchlike. Personally I find negativity and pessimism an essential part of self-protection but I wondered if anybody found meditation, affirmations etc helpful. I'd be very surprised if avoiding cold drinks and repeating positive thoughts five times a day are the key to fertility but at this stage I'm desperate enough to try anything.

Waves to everyone, hope it's a good day

buzzy we both want two, but as time goes on I am increasingly thinking I would be happy with just one.

BTW, Mr euro christened the lab guy there "John the VVanking Manager".... Poor chap. He's v nice too.

Artemis I laughed at this: "Recently I have had to explain to MrA that getting into bed and looking hopeful does not qualify as foreplay". I have the opposite problem. Mr euro rarely initiates anything.

I haven't heard of that book but did buy one Chinese medicine fertility book from Amazon. I didn't get on with it though. It was just a bit too woo for me.

euro at John the Wanking Manager

Artemis I forgot to to say I enjoyed your barren witch and building fences to block stray sippy cups. I just took the opportunity to type 'sippy cup' to disgust myself I can't say it, gross.

I have one baby-making book, not the same one though. Mine too has a Chinese angle. What I like is the idea that fertility is about a complex balance that we may be able to tip. The way I see it is if it's not this then I'm looking at one big problem that is unidentified and untreated/untreatable and I'm therefore wasting my time. But the idea that I'm actually going to do visualization exercises is a joke (no disrespect to anyone into this stuff).

Hello ladies. Hiding in the loo so won't say much as wifi a bit hit or miss! Anyway just to say ERTD is indeed here. The bit I just don't understand is why me body behaves so apparently routinely impeccable; yet is allegedly fucked. today I am mostly feeling anger. And I am feeling this is just so unfair. For all of us when we are all so kind and lovely. I'm also now blaming 15 years on the pill for my infertility. There, I said it. It's not just "taking some time" anymore.

I might contact ARGC to get a view from them, to see if that gives me more hope. Sigh.

Sorry Nelly , I hear you - mine is super at text book regular cycles, just missing the baby part......

John the Wanking Manager must love his job!

I have so far avoided the chinese medicine slant - too woo for me - and have not started any supplements - just folic acid, can't even tolerate other vitamins, too nauseating (of course the first month I took them I completely thought that was a symptom ).

akuaba I am in S Africa, so similar time zone, but winter! Where is everyone else? (nosy too!)

great sex I would say this is a hit and miss affair - alternate days for a year takes its toll, but we still manage to raise the bar at the weekends

Oh nelly I'm sorry - your post came up while I was typing(must learn to type faster). It is really unfair. Bastards.
I too feel that 15 years on the pill is to blame for me -someone should have warned us? - and I think subfertile sounds better?

Also highly unfair is the emotional lability that naturally coincides with AF - kicking us when we're down - how shit is that?!
I hope you can get out of work asap today and get some

Beirut

nelly sorry and big hugs

euro at John the wanking manager, I have yet to meet him but hope I can keep a straight face,

critter yay to great sex, I'm at the stage where i'm off it all together shudders that is why IUI/IVF is so appealing

I'm really struggling today, had words with Mr B last night, so much for being stress free until Saturday i'm having a wobble today (secretly crying in the loo) and finding work is too much to cope with, I feel that Saturday is a waste of time and that I should just accept its not going to happen, have to meet up with MIL's friend, poor love is having a shit time, just don't think I can keep it together for her :(

nelly sorry it all feels rubbish. I have considered myself infertile since ttc for 3 months as I am a right pessimist! It is a horrible word though. Reproductively challenged?! Just think though, this could be one of the last times you are on cd1 for ages. I have to say, is it just me that hates period discoveries? I find myself willing there to be no period and when I finally see it I feel a moment of being utterly crushed. I can almost recall all the times I found my period. Maybe black toilet roll is the answer! Sorry this has all gone a bit off piste. You can do this. We can all do this.

In fact in was watching a and e yesterday and it always humbles me that I am alive and loved and that my family are ok. There was a man on there who had this motto of never giving up and I thought I could do me a bit of that. I tend to deflate and give up every cd1, mentally fast forwarding to an adoption breakdown and spiralling into hopelessness. But there are a lot of things that might happen to all of us on here. We could very feasibly get pregnant naturally, as we all have eggs, sperms and a womb. We might be the ones for whom clomid does it's magic, or IUI or lucky ivf first goers. Or it might take a few goes. But we are all a long way from moving on to making peace with other alternatives. And even amongst other alternatives that feel so scary and unknown there is a lot of hope. So let's rally ourselves together and keep on going on. Fuck you infertility!

Artemis I have the book. In fact I have all the books! I did like that one actually. I'm thinking of buying another as it's been a year since I read a book on eggs and sperms and you never know, it might just tell me something I don't already know oh not the beer book though, too scary for my liking. I'm sure I'm the perfect candidate for immune probes with my anaphylactic allergy, raynauds and ibs but I refuse to go there yet. I also get flu like symptoms quite often in the back end of the tww. Eek. Next time this happens I'm cracking open the cheapy sticks just to see the white space of awfulness

doll my mum thought I'd be uber fertile. I was an accident, she was 30. She miscarried after me then took a year as the miscarriage had been incomplete. After a lap and dye she conceived the next month. Both grandmothers had late menopause and children in their forties. My brother is dangerously fertile. There is no infertility in my entire family, or mr rabbits. So what gives? Sorry to hear the past 6 months have been the most challenging. I guess lots of things have aligned to bring things to a head. Keep going.

lemon sounds like the job is going well. Is no symptoms usual?

heart I did similar fibbing. Thank god. Except now the cons thinks I'm in the two years plus bracket which puts the pressure on a bit.

Losing track of who posted so general hellos all round and extra special loves to frannie and care

pout been thinking of you today.

So I leave with tail fluffing let's not give up on this remotely. I don't want to go anywhere near the back hole for a while and Not Giving Up feels helpful.

rabbit very wise words indeed. Yeah, fuck you, infertility . At least all being well my next CD1 will be a pro-active start jabbing one.

I hate period pains though. They are a cruel tormentor .

buzzy I hope you've made it out of the loo - so sorry to hear you're so blue
It is so shit when you feel like this, meanwhile life goes on around you even though you feel like your world is stagnating.

It is going to happen, we will get bfp's and everything will be ok!

Beirut akuaba Wow - I went there in about 1994, I believe lots of damage after the war - how are things now - are you affected by things in Syria?/Sinai etc.. tumultuous area!

I just lost a tail fluffing message in support of rabbit's rally. You are very good at those.

I made a mistake this morning regarding the secret overseas-ers, I think, Mrsden rather than MrsMellow , even though I didn't know where you were either *MrsM (you being so new and all ). A beautiful part of the world are in. I think we also have Germany, USA and NZ joining the southerns and northerns some of whom have even meet in real life!

X-post MrsMellow yes 'interesting' region indeed (we both work in conflict related stuff so it's to be expected for us). Things just took a turn for the worse yesterday re Lebanon/Syria, you may have seen in the news so we are waiting to see how the next few days play out.

critter - it's so upsetting when lovely people haven't managed to find the right guy. I have a couple of friends in this situation. In fact my colleague was telling me yesterday how she has been in a mess because she is desperate for kids but just wasted the last year with another Roland and now at 36 she finds herself single. She has come to the conclusion that if she doesn't find the right man, she will go it alone with the help of a gay friend's sperm.
What is great sex? I haven't had this since month 1 of ttc.

nelly - well done for sorting out a plan. We are going down the ARGC route before I try our round on the NHS. I don't want to wait until the middle of next year before doing ivf. My offer still stands btw from ages ago about staying in my ivf crack den in London. . I have found the Argc are impossible to contact via phone. They do respond to email. They might not give advice though and may want an appt. MrJoy was told by his boss who went to the Argc that you mustn't expect any love from them?they are there to get results. and it's also really busy whenever i go in there. No idea about cholesterol but it doesn't sound fertility related. Sorry about AF too . I hate the word 'infertility' but i have long passed the 2 year mark now and am trying to use the word a bit more now to get used to it.

care - look after yourself.

artemis - i haven't come across that Emma Cannon book surprising considering my library of books on fertility Like you i have to be negative and pessimistic to prepare myself for the worst. I don't think i would have the mental energy to believe and be optimistic that I was pregnant for the last 32 cycles but then for it all to be in vain. I believe fertility side of things is the science and no amount of positive thinking will get anyone pregnant - a broken down car won't get fixed just through the power of thought. However, there is the mental aspect to fertility where as we know it takes over our lives and can make us absolutely miserable. That's where meditation and exercise i think can probably help try and deal with the emotional aspect

heart - how can a GP say heavy and painful period is normal?? At least in a way that you got a lap within a year of trying so you know what you are dealing with. They do say that on average it takes 7 years to get an endo diagnosis.

buzzy - sorry you are having such a rotten time. You should still go through with Sat because you just never know. It's horrible though when you just lose all hope. Massive hug.

Damned thrush has got mrjoy and me. I have done extremely well as haven't had it since Jan. it's definitely diet related as I have started eating sugary foods and lots of bread an crumpets and cake and two months later, thrush comes back. My own fault.

Yeah Rabbit - love your fuck you infertility rally. You are so right, none of us near that point. Where there is a womb there is a way.

Joycep sorry to hear about the thrush. I'm afraid I can't remember what you finally did re the antibiotics. Not related?

Oh Joyce balls about the thrush and that you can't eat muffins without such repercussions! As if you need that thrown into the mix. It baffles me that ivf clinics can be so ruthless and loveless. Where are the people who went into that branch of medicine who have empathy and love. A cold and clinical ivf experience might just send me to my grave. It's a pity there aren't more places here that have the serum kind of feel and ethos. Maybe Greece is my destiny.

buzzy sorry I think I left you off my last message - how are you doing?

Akuaba i have a fence! well nearly. No more stray sippy cups (ewww) though tbh it was the fag ends and empty beer cans that got to me more than the sippy (ewww) cups. Can't believe I've got to the life stage where I can get excited about fencing

Buzzy I hope you're OK, it's so generous of you trying to support someone else when you're in such a difficult place yourself.

Oh Joyce bugger about thrush. I've had it for the past week too, though it might not be thrush, who knows, the various doctors I've been to can't seem to agree and the hydrocortisone I was given last time on the basis that it isn't thrush, it's a skin condition of some sort isn't doing any good. Canesten is helping a bit but I know the only thing that will make it go away is the arrival of AF.

Rabbit I get the CD1 doldrums all-encompassing misery too. I'm on CD28 and no spotting yet so hope is trying to creep in though I am managing to smack it down with my well practiced negativity . I'm probably on a clomid comedown so this cycle doesn't know what to do with itself.

Right, I'm joining Rabbit's 'fuck you infertility' rally. How about we all join in some affirmations? Come on, don't be shy. Hold a sparkly knob in the air, repeat after me and I guarantee you a baby by next Thursday:

"I produce healthy fluids which nourish and grow my follicles to full maturity"
"My heart and mind are relaxed and I release an egg that is perfectly ripe"
"I look to the generations of women before me who conceived for me to be here, and I ask them to support and guide me"
"My body is a finely honed, well oiled, firmly shagged, sperm drenched baby machine"

ommmmmmmmm

What was that? No boaking, please. And no sniggering at the back.

Now it's competition time. Three of those were genuine affirmations - who can guess which one I made up? Plus there's a special bonus prize for the best affirmation anyone can come up with. On your marks