TTC for 10+ months, part 9

[akuabadoll]

Ladies, number 9. The lucky one.

I have heavy and painful periods too. I have often wondered about endo. Although acu has eased the pains a bit (but if anything has made them appear heavier by easing the clotting which I think slows the flow a bit - now it all comes out in two days of hell plus a few light days). I used to be addicted to mefemanic acid. Now I manage on nothing or the odd paracetemol. I think a lot of the pain was due to trying to force clots through my cervix and the clots have gone now. But still. We are unexplained and it is one of the few things that has not been ruled out, so of course I wonder.

Heh@ the affirmations.

joycep sorry to hear about thrush. I only seem to get it when on the Pill. I do remember getting it when I was living in France though, and the French pharmacist not understanding the word that my dictionary told me was the translation of "thrush" so me then trying to explain with verbal descriptions and mime (in front of an audience of elderly French people queueing up for their medicines) what the problem was. I knew it was a fungal thing and in French the words for fungus and mushrooms are the same, so I was trying to tell her that I had mushrooms between my legs. She looked horrified. Her horror was not diminshed when I tried to explain that it was very common and almost all women get it at some time or another. She told me to go to a dr.

artemis are you going into competition with Zita West on the affirmations fingers crossed for you

euro at the fungus growing out your body, Mr B laughed at John the wanking manager

joycep thrush is crap

mellow ooh where in South Africa are you??

rabbit Big hugs, I am still up and down

heart I wish I could take some time off but we are so short staffed right now, I will if I still feel crap

thanks for your support ladies I really do appreciate it, I met up with MIL's friend and it was quite nice, had a good cry but it is nice to actually talk to someone face to face about things, helps put things in perspective

thank goodness tomorrow is Friday

buzzy I am so sorry you're having a crap time - work loo crying is the absolute worst. I'm glad that you've had a chat with someone IRL about things. Good luck for Saturday, keep that tail feather up. We are here for you and sending positive vibes your way!

euro love John the Wanking Manager - absolutely brilliant! That is comedy gold. Your DH sounds very funny. And the French mushrooms between the legs tale is absolutely hilarious, although I bet it wasn't funny at the time.
Interesting about the endo and your painful periods. Is there a test they could do? It must be insanely frustrating that you're still 'unexplained' - perhaps this could be a factor?

lemon hope the new job is going well - it is totally exhausting starting at a new workplace - you can't just go on autopilot and you're trying to figure out the job and all the relationships and office dynamics at the same time! Hope the rest of your 2ww goes quickly. I know about the getting stuff tested when single, I don't fully understand the psychology behind why my sis wanted to get it done, except that I think she was hoping the result would be good and then she wouldn't be stressing about being single so much.

akuaba wow, Beirut! I would LOVE to go there - it sounds so glamorous, like Italy, but with a whiff of danger. I wonder how Lebanese women who struggle with TTC manage? It must be tough in cultures where women are expected to have big families if you can't fit into that mould. On the sex thing - I think part of what made it great was that we weren't TTC, because I knew that this cycle was a washout and I wasn't ovulating. So it allowed us to not have to orchestrate things or think about timing and 'having' to do it. Also, I've noticed that if Mr C knows it is a key time, he is much more likely to get stressed out and put off, so to speak. We definitely have had our share of horrible TTC sex related fights!

artemis I love the 'looking hopeful' Interesting about your friend. I really think that my relationship with my sis has helped me get through the past 16 months, as you say - she doesn't pity me or say everything will be fine, and she puts things in perspective.
I guess the final affirmation was the one you made up. Here's my go at a silly affirmation:

"My womb is a squishy love pod, where fertilised eggs can snuggle while I radiate the contented glow of an updiffed walrus"

heart hope your DH had a great birthday and the extreme sports sound great. I went mountain biking on my hols and fell off, getting a small gash in my arm which I have plastered with a massive bandage to get maximum sympathy and respect - 'Oh this? Yeah, I was catching some gnarly air on the old mountain bike and wiped out. It was wild, man'. Totally awesome.

nelly it is totally unfair, so sorry that ERTD has arrived and sorry that you're feeling rotten. You've had a truly crap time of things and are under a massive amount of stress - and you are doing totally brilliantly. I too blame the Pill for my infertility. If I hadn't taken it for ten years, I would have known what was going on with my now non-existent periods, and maybe I would have either noticed them disappearing or they might never have disappeared.

mrsmellow I've always wanted to go to SA. It sounds amazingly gorgeous and I hear that you can buy delicious wine for cheap in the supermarkets. I'm in Washington DC.

rabbit joining your tail fluffing, sparkly knob shaking, angry homemade sign waving fertility rally. I hate the word infertile. I mean, I know that technically that is what I am, but I sort of refuse to describe myself as it, because it sounds so final. I much prefer 'reproductively challenged'.

joyce pants to the thrush. I had a cream once that was a canesten/hydrocortisone combo that was pretty awesome. Interesting that your period gets rid of it - I wonder why that is? Yes yes to the mental aspect. I've found the most helpful thing is meditation and distraction in the form of holidays and fun activities that are non-child related, but I think I am lucky because I don't have cycles on my own so there is less potential for my body sending me loopy by constantly sending me signals in the form of periods - it's more easy for me to stick my head in the sand and ignore TTC for a bit. I find things much harder when I'm in the middle of a cycle, where there is potential for hope and disappointment.

Just a quick phone post. buzzy we're all cheerleading for you and will offer virtual hand holding tomorrow. TFI Friday indeed.

So much I want to say to everyone, but phone doesn't really allow. But I had meltdown last night. Sobbed my heart out for about 2 hours. I've gone from thinking along the lines of "gosh this is annoying, wonder why it's taking so long?" to being effectively barren in the space of a brief phonecall. It has floored me and right now I can't see past it. I may have a touch of the melodrama about me right now but was saying to MrN that I felt like I was now officially in the second half of my life when I didn't feel it had properly begun. I said I was scared; of turning into a bitter mad old barren cat lady; that he'd leave me;that I'd always have childlessness hanging above me; that I was now dreading my wedding because we will get all the oooh kids next comments. And quite a lot more beside. I feel emotionally drained, in mourning almost. How can you miss something you never had?And I'm so at how unfair it is.

I can't believe how much this has taken me out. rabbit do NOT get the test. MrN has been amazing and just sat with me and said lovely things (apparently he's not leaving me ). He wisely said its just changed our expectations of how the IVF will go but it doesnt mean it won't work. That we just need to take it day at a time. But for me, I can't picture positive news at all. I feel like all hope has gone. This is not me at all, but normally I'm driven and focussed and can change things. This, I can't. I've failed, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

I'm so so sorry for the wallowing.CD1 probably wasn't helping, albeit I don't feel much better today. Hopefully the cloud will lift a bit soon. But in the meantime I just wanted to thank you all, from the bottom of my heart, for being there.

Posting on a train so short but sweet post to nelly I'm so sorry you're in the tent of doom but I promise you'll emerge and you aren't alone in this, we are all here for you. Yes, I'm going to remain in blissful ignorance until next year. Knowing wouldn't make me have ivf ahead of next spring/summer anyway. Remember it dies NOT mean its the end at all, there is absolutely no reason why you won't be posting one day that you had a low amh and now have babies. Don't give up. Please tell me this next time I'm in the tent. Big big love. You aren't barren. You are amazing Nelly.

Sorry about the tears buzzy and loving the affirmations Artemis and critter. Bring on the walrus days!

Hola! Just a quick post on phone poolside...

care I'm deeply sorry about the BFN. You sound like you're being very pragmatic about the about the situation. As MrsD has said, words really don't cut it. Big hugs xxx

nelly I'm so sorry about the results. Glad that MrN is being supportive. I don't know much about AMH so I don't have any helpful words. But I am very hopeful that you'll get there.

frannie terrible news about your nephew. I'm sorry you've been thrown a shit curve ball. Fx that treatment goes smoothly for him.

buzzy good luck for tomorrow xx

joy sorry about the thrush situation. Hopefully that will clear soon.

Waves and hugs to everyone else including newbie heart

Having a bloody lovely time here. It's beautiful and tranquil. Oh and hot hot hot. We're off to stay by the beach for the rest of the hols today but seriously considering saving up to buy somewhere (well, it's good to have a dream !!) in the mountains here. The brown diet has been left at home and we've been indulging. I can feel the weight piling on already MrP has even had a cigar!! Sadly TTC worries don't seem to evaporate but I am much calmer and distracted and having fun in many different ways.

Sorry for not name checking everyone... Artemis you made me smile with your affirmations, critter with your walrus, euro with your mushrooms ha! Oh and lemon good luck with your new job!

I'll add to the affirmations:

I'm confident that the seeds of my beloved will soon meet with the glorious eggs in my overflowing cup of feminine beauty and together will create a new soul born of love and togetherness,,,

On that note back to the sun bathing and sangria

Greetings princess but oh how I am of the sun!

If I do ever get a bfp I will announce it with 'the walrus has landed'

Oh nellie I really do feel for you. I was like this when I found out about mr gin's sperm. It really is like mourning, but after some time I did come to terms with it and my anger dissipated. But your result doesnt mean that you're infertile and has no bearing on how ivf will work. It's a prediction. Please don't give up. You will get there. And as rabbit has so wisely said, you will emerge from this. And your wedding will be great. No one mentioned kids to us at ours. I'm sure everyone will just be pleased and happy for you. I get far more comments about kids at other peoples weddings. Big big hugs.

buzzy it sounds like you are having a really rough time too. I really hope you feel better after the iui. It is all so much pressure and so difficult. That's so kind of you to meet mil's friend, esp when you are having a hard time yourself.

critter at your sporting injury. And yay for great sex. As we were away from each other for a week, we've been enjoying some ok shagging ourselves!

heart Ooo what day is mr h's birthday? Mine's on Sunday. I'm doing lots of nice things, trying to forget it's yet another year sans baybee.

euro have you had a lap to look for endo? Interesting theory about the clots making ertd more painful. I have very painful periods, but they don't go on long enough for me to have endo. I love the neurofen plus, which gets me through em. at the wanking manager. Poor mr gin had to walk by my mum at the clinic to get to the masterbatorium to produce his sample for the waking manager! May have to leave her at home next time... He also said there was some older lady porn in the room! We reckon it was cos most of the ladies using create are a bit older!

artemis and rabbit loving the affirmations and fuck you infertility rally. Officially mr gin is sub fertile. Makes me laugh as surely it should be infertile but apparently whilst there's still 1 sperm there's a way! Re my own affirmation, well I read somewhere in the ivf info that wombs are like jam sandwiches, holding embies in place, so how about "my womb is like a jam sandwich, with a sperm filling'!

joy sorry to hear about the thrush. I find the oral thrush pills work well. It's such a pain isn't it.

care hope you are ok. A day with no tears is good!

lemons I have my fingers crossed for you. You're still in the 2ww right? Hope the new job is going ok.

mellow South Africa, nice! As is doll's Beruit. I've heard ivf us cheap and good in SA. Maybe I'll have to visit...

Well I have to admit that I'm hungover today (screw you zita and no drinking for 3 months before ivf!) Went out for some horribly expensive but yummy cocktails last night, with my lovely but sadly single friend. Like some of you have mentioned about similar friends, she's like at least you have someone to try for babies with. Where are all then nice single men?! We're off for the posh nosh tonight and have friends over on Sunday. Keeping busy drunk seems a good way of forgetting about getting ever older decreasing fertility. We've rebooked our consultation for 1st sept and apparently this would still give us time to start the ivf cycle at the end of that month. Meh.

Hola princess. Sounds like you are having a lovely time! Sangria and sun, what a great combo.

Thank you ladies so much. The tent is right rabbit as I told MrN I want to hide under the duvet forever for a week. But the positive words from you all really do help. As did the amazing text I received from NrN this morning. I partly want to post it, as it was so lovely and perfect and amazing. But perhaps I should not post his innermost thoughts on t'internet .

I did a positive affirmation last night. I have beautiful children and love them with all my heart. I was non specific about how many and how I got them. Also, my fur baby sensed my sadness and according to MrN waited at the back door for me till I got home. Then followed me about, demanded cuddles, and jumped on the bed and curled up on my hand all night. I loved him for that even though he was dripping wet when he came in .

Life is not all bad, I guess.

Hi there

I have been lurking around for a while (TBH it is really helpful reading some of your advice etc) but now wondering whether I can join your thread?!

We have been ttc for 11 months, but I am concerned as my sister just had a hysterectamoy in her late 30's, and previously when I had an ultrasound for soemthign else the doctor mentioned he could see something I shoudl get checked out but my GP at the time said not to worry it was probably all normal (I was 23 at the time and didnt think anything of it).

I have had the early cycle bloods taken and just been to the doctor this mornign to get the results and they lost them, which is a bloody waste of time! She has said she will refer me anyway ? tbh I don tknow what a referral means and the whole NHS process seems to be extremely frutrating with little or no information from anyone.

My OH has had a sample tested, which has come back as borderline motility so he is being re-tested in 6 weeks. I am just so frustrated (a feeling I am sure most of you recognise) as I have purposefully taken a low stress role based in London so I can be at home for 6 months to give us any sort of chance of seeing eachother at the right time of the month ;) and now I feel as though this time is going to run out before we get a chance to do anything and I have kind of put my career on hold for 6 months for nothing.

I have deliberately not told anyone in RL that we are trying, to spare us the (head tilt) ?how are you?? pity questions that one of my friends received after she had a mc, which means it feels pretty lonely sometimes. My OH is not a big talker, as he just presumes that everything will be alright in the end, and until his result came back borderline was very much just leaving me to it (well as much as he could!) but he now seems a bit more aware that he will have to get involved in this process as well.

Apologies for the long and rambling rant but having just got into the office from the doctors it is all a bit much!

It seems too personal to name check you all - as I am only just revealing my lurking! But I really hope that those of you who are having a hideous time of it come out the other side sooner rather than later. I feel when I read your posts that I am just at the begining of my journey, and reading how you ladies handle all the crap that goes along with this ttc malarky is a reminder I am not alone.

I aways thought that this would be easy?! How wrong can you be.

Massive hugs to all of you feeling down at the moment. I've been there so many times, and I know it doesn't feel like it now but there will be better days. Nelly, the amh might have no bearing on the ivf, my clinic doesn't even test it. Is your plan still to start in sept? Buzzy, you're amazing for being able to support someone else when you feel rubbish yourself.

Gin, I had that mourning period too when we found out the sperm results. I cried myself to sleep for nights on end. Proper big inconsolable sobs that left me with red, puffy eyes the next day. But, gradually there is an acceptance and I only cry when it's af time or if I dwell on it too much. I think I'm pinning a lot on ivf working, I really hope I'm not setting myself p for a big fail.

I'm very jealous of your holiday princess. Enjoy it as it sounds like you are. Where in the world are you? It sounds lush. I'm determined to have as many holidays as possible, something not possible with a baby. My pregnant friend was moaning that her city break days were over. I think a childless life filled with lots of travel might not be too bad. Who am I kidding?

Euro, sorry if you've already updated but I must have missed it. What did you decide re. The smear results? Did you go back to see the private gynae?

Gin I had a lap when I was 19. I'm not really what it was for. I went to the drs about painful and irregular periods plus some hair growing in expected places and got some blood tests and after a year or so they gave me a lap. I don't remember them mentioning endo. They sort of gave me a vague PCOS diagnosis afterwards. They didn't mention repeating the lap when I was at the fertility clinic.

Nelly you sound like you are doing well. Fur baby cuddles are always good.

Princess that all sounds fab.

X-posts. mrsd the gynae appointment is in a couple of hours. I have decided firmly against treatment based on everything I have read.

Welcome ten. This thread is wonderful, there are always people who understand. Ttc is very lonely. How annoying that they lost your blood tests, I've found that everything is slow and takes triple the amount of time you think it should. If you get referred, I think they will give you an ultrasound, and probably more blood tests. Are your periods regular? Do you know if you are ovulating ok? Did your dh have low sperm count or just motility?

Good luck then euro, I must have subconsciously known it was today because I was thinking about you, I imagined the dr sitting in a big brown leather chair! Can you ask him about endo or is he a strictly cervix guy?

Yes, welcome ten. I forget there are lurkers out there!

mrsd he's strictly a cervix guy. He's actually very nice. I'm just not quite sure when he has come to the view that he wants to treat me when it seems to be entirely the wrong decision based on guidelines and statistics.

Even through the fog, Strictly a Cervix guy made me .

Gosh we've all really had some serious lows on this journey haven't we? Puffy eyes is me today. Best of luck today euro.

Hello ten. Like we say to everyone, may your stay here be short, but in the meantime, hanging out here is worth it's weight in gold.

Maybe he's thinking of the fee? I've become a little skeptical of doctors lately. He should be able to justify to you why he's suggesting f a particular course of action.

Hi there,
nelly so sorry you're feeling so crap Your DP sounds amazeballs and clever fur baby.

joyce artemis about the thrush - do you actually have thrush (i.e. white discharge or rash - sorry if TMI) -because if you're just red and sore it might be a pH thing - especially if it improves with AF. an amazing cream I got once was Trimovate- combination of anti-fungal, hydrocortisone and oestrogen - really effective. But you can also get topical pH alkaline patches and things which might work? Have a friend who swears by them!

princess huge envy re hot weather - it is cold and mid-winter here (even in S Africa!)

buzzy hope tomorrow goes well

tenmonth welcome - I'm very new too, but it is amazing to find people who are going through similar things

Hi euro I've just done a massive skim read of the last couple of threads to find out about your cervix (that sounds very strange )

Just to let you know my experience - I had a LLETZ for type II CIN in 2004 - I had a borderline abnormal smear, then 6 months later type I CIN and they did some local treatment, then 6 months later it had progressed so they did the LLETZ. All of my smears since then have been completely normal. The LLETZ itself as a procedure was absolutely fine.
Your gynae might just have had a bad experience before and be very cautious - Drs' practice is often guided by things that have happened over the years and he may rationalise that having a LLETZ has a low risk of side effects and pretty much means the problem is gone. But hopefully he'll explain his rationing himself
I think your plan of having a smear in another few months to monitor is very reasonable.

Can I ask a WWYD question - I was going to start a thread, but might get your opinions first! I have a horrible cold, very bunged, sort throat, glands etc. I am CD24...in the spirit of not being negative, would you take cold and flu meds - and steroid nasal spray - I'm prone to sinus infections and would like to knock this on the head before it becomes months of feeling like my teeth are going to fall out... I know that there is no combined circulation until you get a bfp, and I am drinking but somehow meds, particularly not essential meds, feels different. I know that steroids are given for immune problems, so have to assume that would be ok -but pseudo ephedrine etc?? WWYD!!
Thanks!

critter at your 'Oh this? Yeah, I was catching some gnarly air on the old mountain bike and wiped out. It was wild, man'. Totally awesome. thanks for the positive vibes :) didn't you have an appointment today??

nelly squeezing hands tightly :) and the word failure is banned from this thread!!!!! There I have said it and I have put my foot down too. You have not failed at all so don't ever say that!!

princess glad you are having a lovely time and bloody hell at your affirmation I think we should write a book on affirmations

gin at your sperm sandwich

rabbit love your walrus has landed

tenmonth welcome and no surprise that your results got lost

euro I hope you have managed to get things sorted with your 'strictly cervix' guy

mrsd I was tempted to cancel but I knew she was going in for an ERPC today so thought she wanted to ask me some question, she doesn't have her own here and her MIL can be a bit like ours

mellow personally I would take the drugs and knock it on the head, I've taken motillium and then found out I had a bfp, I have also taken imigran as I was so desperate, if you are not sure then speak to your GP, but mine did not think the odd medication especially at the beginning was a problem

well thank goodness it is Friday, think we might have a BBQ this weekend, I'm feeling calmer today but still a little tearful. waves to everyone and thank you for your best wishes,I'll try not to let the team down tomorrow :)

Doll - not on the antibiotics yet ? haven?t managed to source them. Hoping my GP will help me on Monday.

rabbit - Serum are suppose to be lovely. I looked in to them because it?s a lot cheaper but I thought flying backwards and forward to Greece might finish me off. It all sounds wrong though out there because the woman who performs operations isn?t actually a doctor. She is very good and very nice though but I can?t imagine MrJoy allowing me to go to a place where things are done by non-docs.

artemis - it?s strange how AF cures the symptoms of thrush. I wonder why. Sorry to hear you have had it for the last week. it?s a bugger to get rid of. I have been repeating your mantra whilst waving my sparkly knob in the air.

euro - at mushrooms between your legs. Haha. Good luck with your appt as well.

heart - i can?t believe you were fobbed off so many times. It?s terrible.

critter - i need to find that cream you had. I use a internal type of thing which is normal great but doesn?t seem to worked this time. I have 40 boxes i was prescribed last year and they are already out of date but i am using them anyway. Perhaps that?s why they aren?t working. would love to learn meditation but my mind is too busy i think.

nelly - how lovely that MrN is being so nice and supportive. It makes it that little bit easier. Sorry that you ahve been through such a shocker of emotions as well. There will definitely be brighter days post hormonal blip and it?s a matter of coming to terms with the data you have been given. Ivf works for people who have been given much worse results so you just can?t tell how it will go for you. Everyone is individual. I?m curious about your fur baby as i thought you just had a hobble...but i guess hobble was waiting for you at the back door!

princess - very envious of your holiday. sounds lush. #

gin - happy birthday for Sunday. I?m glad you are doing lots of nice things. And good for you being hungover. Everyone needs some down time especially us long ttcers. Yes the oral pill is effective for thrush although i am not taking it in the second half of my cycle because there?s a jolly good chance i may be pregnant and i wouldn?t want to damage the little embryo

Ten - welcome and sorry you have found yourself here. But I hope you have a lovely surprise bfp soon. How annoying they lost your blood test results. It?s so infruriating how slowly this all goes but when i start thinking like that i have to remember that we are lucky to have access to any treatment. I only think like that on good days though!

mrsmellow - i?m pretty sure i have thrush. I hadn?t noticed the discharge thing although that?s normally the big giveaway for me. it was the itching that was bad. So i mentioned it when MrJoy got home and he said he had it as well but wasn?t go to say anything. He gets all the red dots on his manhood which is definitely thrush. Although is thrush an imbalance of the pH??

Hope everyone has a lovely weekend.

Hi guys

euro I'm eagerly awaiting news of the visit to the cervix doctor. I hope it went well and that you got some answers and a helpful plan of action.

mrsmellow no advice on the pain meds, but to be honest I would take them if it was me just to feel better.

Welcome ten, great to have you here, and hope you don't stay long, in the nicest possible way!

buzzy best of luck tomorrow. We will all be thinking of you and willing MrB's swimmers towards their goal!

muddy MrM and your fur baby sound wonderful. You will get through this together. Thinking of you, and hoping that you are ok.

princess sun and sangria sound perfect! Hope the infamous playsuit is getting a lot of mileage and that you're enjoying some holiday rolls in the hay with MrP.

care hope you're feeling ok, thinking of you.

gin September is going to be here before we know it. I hope the consultation is helpful and I really am feeling positive for you for the next cycle. Glad you let your hair down, cocktails sound like just what the doctor ordered.

rabbit love 'the walrus has landed'.

mrsden when do you start IVF?

Anyone heard from sarlat recently?

Waves to pout, akuaba, bunny and everyone else.

I have just been to the swanky fertility clinic to see the specialist, who is putting me on another round of Clomid at 150mg, starting tomorrow. He said he didn't need to induce a period first with progesterone, which is music to my ears, unless the scan had showed my womb lining to be 'thick and disorganised' hmm, sounds like how I feel most of the time which it wasn't, luckily. He said if I don't respond to this 150 mg dose, he'll move me onto the injections, but wanted to give clomid a final whirl first because of the increased risk of multiples with the injections. So I am back on for round 6 of the clomid. Hey ho. Let the craziness commence.