TTC for 10+ months, part 9

[akuabadoll]

Ladies, number 9. The lucky one.

Haven't had chance to read new thread yet but posting to mark my place

Just to update, game over, spotting is here for me. Very strange cycle. Ov sticks, temps and ewcm confirmed ov, clearly triphasic chart, NO pmt, no cramps and it's 16dpo. Im always a 13dpo person. I will clearly never get to know how my body works. Stranger still, other than a mild and oh so familiar disappointment, I'm not really that bothered! I feel like my hormones are stable, for a change. If only it could always be like this, or better still, not come at all. Shame though, was daring to believe I might actually have got myself knocked up. It felt jolly nice. It felt as if everything would be ok and I could move away from the shitness. Please come back finger, I am READY!

Waves to all, welcome to mellow, loves to post holiday gin and grr to uber fertility boasting nelly

rabbit snap and snap. All ready for lucky number 9.

Gin I refused a second glass of wine on my 30th birthday, a few months into TTC and back in the day when I didn't like to drink in the 2ww (hollow laugh). I secretly hoped that, the world being a just place, I would have a dry 40th as I would be upduffed. Not to be, drinks it is then. Artemis I'm not sure you can wander into the lush corner on the basis of 'the occasional glass'. You may have to reapply.

Glad to see my 19 year old is getting about (don't try and have a conversation with him though - not his forte).

P.S forgot to say, I'm crap at getting pg and my feet are toasty warm.

gin I HATE baby showers... I had to organise one last week for a girl who works for me - she promptly went into premature labour the following day at 34 weeks - proving my fear about tempting fate - both Mum and baby are doing well happily. She is the success story I think about when I'm losing hope and I'm thrilled for her - she'd been trying to get pregnant for about 4 years, lost tonnes of weight - had just failed a couple of IUI cycles and then got pregnant au naturel over Christmas - miracle baby

I had a 4 year old at a 1st birthday party today ask me why I didn't have my own children.... and didn't I want them? I forgave her, only because she followed it up by saying she wanted babies and planned to marry her little brother. V cute!
Sadly her father is less subtle - on greeting me he asked me if I was pregnant yet (not a close friend, not even his wife and I have not spoken to them about ttc, fuckwit) - so I told him not to be so obnoxious and to mind his own business. DH thinks I was very restrained.

Oh joy. Having been feeling dizzy today, I convinced myself I was pregnant. That and the blood in my urine sample on Tuesday. Implantation bleed of course. So just went to the loo before bed and had what I can only describe as dark beige pant snot in my knickers. And lying in bed now feeling periody . That's how it normally starts. But I don't think period is due until Thursday .

Bugger. And other rather more unrepeatable phrases. .

Oh nelly sorry for the mentalling. It could be something good (and I so hope it is) but these days I find even the things that would be exciting to most, confusing and worrisome. Hope you're ok.

Spotting turned into cd1 again yesterday and after feeling breezy all day I indulged in a little fertility friends and had a small secret cry in the bath. I couldn't bear it if the past three months and my war wound don't actually make any difference. But, had an early night and feel right as rain now. It's been a text book, almost pain free period 29 day cycle so trying to see it all as a good thing. I'm off to boutiquey loveliness for indulgence for a couple of nights.

Ps tonight and tomorrow, it's shooting stars in the sky, if you're into wishes...

Here you all are! I was checking on my mobile yesterday in the park, and I could only see Care's message. I was thinking, well it is a nice weekend, maybe no one's bothered posting. But odd that no-one posted on Friday? And then I came on her to say goodbye this morning and noticed that Care's message was #1,000. So I went in search of the new thread and there's loads to catch up on, including a new member!

Welcome home Gin glad you had a lovely time. I think baby showers are stupid. Surely you have the celebration after the baby is born? Imagine how it would feel if something went wrong? I plan on having a naming ceremony at home, with booze and male people shortly after the future baby is born. I think I would have felt differently if the first bean had stuck - then I would have wanted to be surrounded with cupcakes, ribbons, presents, friends etc but that was a long time ago and not only have I grown up but I also realise that there are all sorts of things that can go wrong. Anyway, glad you can't go and don't have to make excuses. There's no way I could cope with a baby shower at the moment.

Doll thanks for the new thread. Who is this 19 year old you speak of? Have I missed something?

Hello to Mellow sorry you find yourself here and the very best of luck for a short stay.

Buzzy sorry MrB's results were not great. But you sound like you are dealing with things practically. Hope that IUI works out for you.

Artemis Ha! At the eau de moss - I think you forgot to add subtle hint of crack house in there too.

Rabbit glad to hear that your period is not woe-ful long may they continue! Sorry to hear about the cry in the bath. But a 29 day text book cycle is not to be snubbed. Enjoy your time away and the renewed hope that always comes with a new cycle :)

Nelly sorry to hear about the beginnings of ERTD. Not fair. Big hugs.

Euro I loved your 'please deal' HA!

In Princess news, I took myself for a manicure on Friday in the afternoon, then had acupuncture yesterday morning (weirdness!) and then figured that I couldn't do my own pedi because it would involve smudging / removing new manicure with nail varnish remover (oh the dilemmas!). So I took myself off for a pedi after lunch. It felt nice to have my toes and fingers soaked, scrubbed, massaged, cared for and painted. Before the house and the no toxic beauty products I used to have manicures at least once a month and pedis when required. Yesterday, I decided that one mani and pedi for hols is not going to do any harm. And then I decided last night that several wouldn't do any harm either (it is practically hols when your case is packed and nails are done). And then I ate some mozarella cheese on an anti pasta platter. But do you know what, I was happy, DH was happy. Even MIL commented to DH yesterday that I seemed brighter and looked less tired on Friday night.I've had a helluva week with weeping, headaches everyday, breaking down (collapsing) on Mr P on Friday morning and getting out all of my feelings, some of which I'd buried in a bid to be positive and put a brave face on it all. I miss my friends who seem to have disappeared off the face of the planet, I miss having fun, I miss waking up looking forward to the day and not having a constant gloom over me, I miss being able to walk around town without reminders of not being pregnant dotted everywhere (pregnant lady bump painting artists flyer yesterday - oh purlease), I just miss not weeping at unknown times because of TTC doom and jealousy. I'm not fully 'great' at the moment but I've had a nice weekend, I'm looking forward to Blur and holiday later and we'll just have to see where we get to. When I was talking to the accu lady yesterday (v. good by the way, thanks care) I told her that there is nothing wrong with me physically but PMS and the strain of getting pregnant are affecting me emotionally - really badly - and that I feel really fragile and tired by it at the moment. And then it dawned on me that all of my problems historically have been emotional or 'heady' and failures have been nerves or anxiety driven and that my crushing headaches are caused by stress / tension / anxiety. It was the first time that I've been able to admit this and it made me think that maybe I am the barrier to getting pregnant. I mean I had an instadiff 3 years ago and there's no reason why I shouldn't be getting pregnant. So, we've decided that I just have to try and not think about things as much (ladies, I don't know how I'm going to do this - it seems to involve DH shipping me off on my own and telling me to do nothing, enjoy not having a schedule, go read, go do whatever you want, buy shoes, have a facial, research interior designs, get stuck into some philosophy, go to the cinema, drink a small glass of wine but no google, no MN and nothing hectic.) I'm going to keep going to accu but I'm not sure how much. I'm not able to fully give up MN. I'd miss you lot too much, but maybe I do have to cut down my time on here. I just don't know. Anyway, sorry for the indulgent me post. xxx

On that happy note , I'm off to ready myself for the gig I've waited 16 years to see I've been up since 7 listening to old Blur albums and to finalise the suitcases and then we're off. I'll see you all in a weeks' time. This holiday better be the tonic I need. I hope that the finger picks off several of you next week. Wish me luck for the rock and roll holiday shag week in the land of princess

Waves to all I've missed this morning. Love and hugs for you all xxxxxxxx

doll at the 19 year old! I felt like an old perv yesterday watching Tom Daley in the diving. He's only 18... Hope you have a lovely, boozey birthday.

rabbit boo to ertd, but that's great that you had a text book cycle. A small cry in the bath is very much allowed. Enjoy the lovely boutiqueness.

I like the sound of miracle baby mellow, but not sure I could actually organise someone's baby shower, no matter how hard won the baby was. I can't believe the updiffed questions you had at the party. Even small children are at it now?!

Oh nelly so sorry about possible ertd. It's always so hard when you think that maybe that cycle was the one. Although this could still be implantation schmanigans? An ironic pre ivf BFP would be ace. Hugs and a big glass of

princess I'm soooooo jealous that you're going to the Blur gig. I really wanted to go but mr gin said it was too expensive. Am sorry to hear you've had a tough week, but am sure a week relaxing in the sun a shagfest will help. It is so difficult not to obsess when you've been trying for so long. I'm pretty sure that whilst I'm going through these years of trying and treatment, there will be no escape from the obsession. I've just had to accept it. Anyhow, have a really lovely hard earned break and don't stick to that brown diet too hard when on hols! X

My piss stick gave me a :) today, so my bits all appear to be back to normal post ivf, yay! And the cystitis appears to have totally gone. I can drink tea again with no consequences! A week on the vino appears to have sorted me out. Shame it'll all be mucked up again with ivf... Right I'm off to enjoy the sunshine and to try not to be too jealous of the massive blur gig happening down the road.

Oh I found IuI a welcome break as well. at "please deal". The place i went was a bit like a spa. Swish room playing Cool FM kind of music. It would be lovely to have an IuI success on here. I guess it works for people with hostile ewcm or when a men's sperm is a bit below what it should be.

Nelly - you can always rely on the in laws to run salt in the wounds.

I also have cold feet and probably a cold womb too. I have never been so cold as I was during those few weeks of pregnancy. It was mid summer as well and I was huddling against the heater at work. Never worked out if this was significant.

Gin - welcome back and yippee to a great holiday. That woman wrote that book which helped pay the argc fees...it has got me thinking we should do that! Oh and I loathe baby showers. I have never liked the idea for them as I can't understand why you would would celebrate something that hasn't arrived. I am far too superstitious. I don't think I would even get a cot or a pram until after the birth. But apart from that, the one shower I went to last year was so hideous, it took me a week to recover. So many small babies and a girl telling me she was pregnant after 'struggling' for 6 months. It was horrible. That was my first and last.
I haven't started Ben Elton's inconceivable yet - I am ashamed to say I am hooked on 50 shades. After struggling through the first one , I started to get really into it and found myself dashing out to Sainsburys last night to get the next 2 books. Not sure why - it's so badly written!

Rabbit - sorry about AF. But it sounds like everything is back on track. Excellent LP though- I wonder why it was so much longer.

Nelly - oh god head fuckery mentalling. And AF not due for another 4 days. I hope something exciting is happening but it's horrible wondering what the hell is going on. Hang in there.

Princess - have a fab time in London and at the concert. I miss all those things too. I am desperate to get my life back although I know that a baby would do the opposite. But I am sick of being the poster girl for infertility amongst my friends. And just want to feel normal again and not feel like I am on some emotional see saw the whole time. Yesterday I was so calm and coukdnt care less yet today I am in a panic.

Care - thinking of you. X

Plan for this week is to go to my gp and see If she will do my level 1 blood tests which I had forgotten about. It's very odd that they don't do this as a matter of course.

Hope everyone is having a lovely weekend.

Gin - tell me about Tom Daley. I am glad he is 18 as I feel it is legal To gape at him. In fact I realise I must be ovulating as I was watching all the divers with a lot of appreciation for their bodies and marking them and their swimming trunks out of 10 much to MrJoys disgust.

joy pleased to hear it wasn't just me ogling them last night! They do look mighty fine in their tiny trunks... It was a great evening of tv for appreciating the male form as after the diving I found Stuart Broad and some other hot cricketer on the Million Pound drop! Like you say, I can certainly tell that I'm ovulating!

A quick wave and welcome to mellow, just marking my spot. Lots of exercise and sun was had today. Now knackered.

Many lovely things to look at in the olympics..

princess hope Blur was amazing - jealous of your nail beauty.. Lots of what you said resonated with me. I think a bit of cognitive behavioural therapy - so choosing something to focus on every time TTC comes into your mind or you see a bump or baby etc. A very definite thought that switches your thought process - perhaps associated with something physical - they used to recommend an elastic band around your wrist that you 'ping' or equivalent. It has been working for me.
gin well done on - I've never had a positive ov stick despite having confirmed ovulation
off to the closing ceremony with glass

Welcome mellow, although I hope your stay here is short (in the nicest possible way )

gin I hate the idea of baby showers, I'm far too superstitious and even more so now. I know I'd hate to be celebrating having a baby before I'd even had one. I went to one once and hated every minute, it seemed like an excuse to get presents and I hated all the fawning over the pregnant woman. But that might be because I'm a bitter, twisted barren.

lemon sun and exercise, snap! I did a long run yesterday, the first in ages and it felt good. I've figured that if I can't have a lovely bump then I may as well have a toned, slim body . I do find that exercise is a great mood booster.

joycep I'm not getting the tom thing. He has very nice muscles, but a bit too shiny, fake tan, white teeth. Amazing athlete though.

euro at please deal. I had a weird dream last night that we were doing IUI but we couldn't find the right pot to use and had to use a flower pot.

princess how was Blur?

The inlaws have left the building! Woo hoo! missm I'm going to be following your 3 day rule from now on. When we lived in the UK no one ever visited for more than 48 hrs and that was fine. Long stays are such hard work even with the most laid back guests. I'm fed up of cleaning, cooking, entertaining etc. It also costs us a fortune having people here which I don't think people appreciate.

Af arrived on Saturday, so I spent the day moping around and feeling sorry for myself. It must have been hormone induced though because I felt so much brighter yesterday and today is an ok one so far. I think a friend might be pregnant again though, her DD is only 18 months. I saw some photos on FB and she looks like she has the beginning of a bump. Of course it might be that she hasn't really lost all the first baby weight or she's eaten too many pies. I'm a bit obsessed about sussing out pregnancies before they're announced. I think it's so I can try and prepare myself. Are second baby announcements easier than first? I suppose they've already proved their fertility.

buzzy I think we were told to abstain for 48 hrs. It's quite tricky to time as you want to give it as much of a go naturally as you can whilst waiting for a positive OPK, knowing that when you get it, you are going to have IUI the next day (or at least I did) and you need to have abstained for 48 hrs!

I was also drinking last night. I went to the Blur gig in Hyde Park that coincided with the closing ceremony. Blur were awesome but the organisation was appalling. There was a 40 min queue to get in, a 30 min queue for food (and you were not allowed to take any in), a 30 min queue for the loo, an even longer queue for drinks. It was daft. And I am achey and shattered today. I am clearly too old for jumping up and down like a lunatic until late on a school night. I did have a melancholy moment during the concert though, as I thought back to seeing them at Reading in '99, and how I had no idea then about the sadness that life would hold for me.

Baby showers? Ugh. Luckily my friends don't seem to bother with them.

mrsmellow you were very restrained. Some people are very unthinking.

Sorry that AF has arrived for some of you and that Nelly you are having a bit of a head fvk.

I agree about the visual treat some of the Olympic sports have given us. I'll just leave this here in case anyone needs a quick reminder...

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2183841/London-Olympics-2012-Abstinence-You-completely-mad.html

Mrsd ? pleased the in laws have gone. That seemed to be a long stint. I hope there were no other ridiculous comments from MiL. I?m obsessed with sussing out pregnancies as well. Pretty convinced i sussed one out last week ? when big drinkers say no to a glass of wine but yes to a glass of water at dinner, that speaks volumes. I don?t think second pregnancies are as bad as first. Well it still is a difficult one to take on board that these friends are on to their 2nd in less time that we are on our 1st . For me I just assume now that everyone will announce a pregnancy before us. I have lost that competitiveness that was part of the big problem at the beginning and have accepted we will be the last or the only ones to adopt.

Euro ? glad you had fun last nights...even though the queuing sounded awful. I must say i thought the closing ceremony was dreadful and I didn?t last the distance with it. I always do that as well...I think back to the last Olympics and think I couldn?t possibly have known the sadness I was in line for. I have been wondering where I?ll be at the next Olympics. Will i be 6.5years in and still trying...? i have this fear i could be.

Also been chasing up about my lap and hysteo as heard nothing. My name in system but they still don't have a date after 3 weeks. They said it could be November time. Wa it this slow for everyone else? I want to be gearing up for ivf by then.

joycep sorry its taking so long, you need to put a rocket up their arses, November is ages away.

mrsd glad the unwanted house guests have left

euro we had a shag yesterday, scan on Wednesday/possible trigger shot, possible +opk on Friday so that would mean IUI on Saturday??? I suppose we could get another shag in but can't be bothered really, I don't see the point if they are all duds

life is very quiet and boring without the Olympics :(

Joy I got a message today to say the hospital just got my letter requesting test results. I sent it 12 days ago! And my initial consultation took what, 8 weeks to come through. And another 5 to wait. And I saw a consultant for 5 mins.

Euro your comment about the sadness resonated with me. I hate how even happy events are tarnished. We had a lovely weekend, it was basically rural idyllic bliss but all I could think was that my kids were missing . And SIL said she thought I'd have 2 girls. She didn't know what she was saying; but now i feel like I'm mourning my daughters .

On the plus side MrN voluntarily yesterday had a chat with friends who had IVf at the same place as us. They were v v positive about the place; albeit the fact it was successful probably helps!

Hello ladies

hello and welcome mellow

nelly It doesn't surprise me that the hospital claim to have only just received your letter. Apparently their internal mail system is shocking.

mrsd I'm glad that you are ILS free. I agree about what hard work guests are and how they don't realise. I hate the constant catering and feeling like you have to talk all the time.
I am so sorry that AF has got you but it is good that you are feeling okay.

buzzy exciting about IUI being so soon.

joycep it's funny I thought the closing ceremony was really good!! I liked the idea of a massive party. Apparently, according to MrP, everyone he follows on Twitter was slagging it too.

gin hurrah for positive OPK - for me that always feels like the first hurdle passed Also lots of laughs at a week on the wine having sorted your out.

Your post euro about the sadness and how the younger you had no idea of what was coming really got me in the stomach too.

I am not a happy camper and had a shite weekend of feeling sorry for myself. I got the familiar 7DPO mood plummet and it hit me like a ton of bricks that this month is a dud too despite putting myself through Clomid hell. I think I am sure as I have ever been that my problem is an immunes one (the fact that mrsmellow has Raynauds too really hit that home for me - I can't believe how many of us have it!) and can't see me ever getting/staying pregnant even with IVF.

I just can't seem to pull myself together these days and all I do is focus on how meaningless my life is without children. It hit me that we have been put on this earth to reproduce, that is our sole function and, in my opinion, the meaning of life, and I have failed. I am afraid of getting old without children, I am afraid of a lonely old age, I am afraid of dying alone, I wonder who will bury me and imagine the council clearing my house. I also hate the person I have become. I am angry with the world and bitter and hateful. I just want to stop this process but am afraid of stopping. That sounds really doomy, sorry, but I think I just need to get it out.

buzzy - i know i feel a bit dejected now the Olympics are over. I couldn?t be bothered with swi either when I was doing IUI.

nelly - oh I remember you had to wait an age for an appt. I was told it would be within 2 months but this is going to be more like a 5 month wait. My AMH will be zero by then. Argh. What you say about your missing kids struck me how i feel a lot of the time - MrjOy and I had dinner at the dining room table last night in silence, just the two of us. I could hear lots of families out in the gardens below having their bbqs and I sat there wondering whether the other 2 dining room chairs would ever have kids sitting there. I now realise why I have the telly on so much, it drowns out the silence.

pout - i think there are 2 camps with the ceremony last night. Half my office liked it and the other half thought it was terrible. Your post made me and I expect speaks for a lot of us. I find that even when I?m not in the dumps, ultimately all those fears and thoughts you mentioned in your post are lurking beneath the surface. It?s a grim feeling and we know there is only solution but this is out of our control. Massive hugs to you. It?s very strange how many people on this thread have Raynauds. It?s far too suspicious. Is there any way you can just get your NK Cells tested with Mr S or DrG? You don?t have to get the whole hog of expensive tests done but if you can just see whether your NK cells are high...as if you do get to the ivf stage, then a dose of pred may be what you need.

I am booked in to see a GP next week to see if I can wangle some level 1 blood tests off the nhs and I have booked in to DrG for 2 weeks time so i can do the nk cell testing and sperm fragmentation test. Just working through a check list of things right now.

pout I am sorry to hear that you are feeling low. Have you go anything nice to look forwards to? Can you book up a theatre trip or short break so you have something else to focus on?

mrsd you must be so pleased to be free of the inlaws!

Joycep I so understand what you mean about eating around the dining table in silence and it's significance for you. I too have the TV on all the time, most of the time I'm not watching it, I just like the noise/company. I hadn't made the connection.

I don't understand what Level 1 blood tests are.

Money is an issue for us so I'm not sure that I can do the immunes testing though I agree that this would be helpful before IVF. I think I am having some kind of auto immune flare-up at the moment actually. From time to time I get painful hip, knee, ankle and thumb joints usually down one side. I've been tested for arthritis so it isn't that and MrP reckons it's an immune response because sometimes when my thumb joint hurts I get little blister type spots on my thumb. Anyway I have that at the moment and it's really bad this time, I am having trouble managing the stairs. I might try my GP again.

The Olympics thing was better than I thought it would be. It wasn't strictly my cup of tea but I reckon it could have been worse!

Thanks euro. Actually I have lots of craft things and DIY projects planned but simply can't be arsed with the thought of doing anything at the moment! I don't think that Clomid/joint pain disturbed sleep helps.