TTC for 10+ months, part 9

[akuabadoll]

Ladies, number 9. The lucky one.

Hello All

I have a new computer so will be able to name check more and not feel like I just pop on to be all me me me.

Joy I can't imagine that silence as I already have a DD but to those of you who wonder if its just as painful second time round having that empty space it really is. I don't know if its because I have a new partner or if its because DD begs for a sibling saying she has no one to play with. Christmas and birthdays are the hardest as I have memories of being with my sister. I never had the Lap Joy but spent about 6 months just having the fanny cam and HSG, two cycles of clomid then discharged.

Pout sorry your feeling so down, as someone is out the other side of the clomid hell I do feel more human. I had a down weekend but its was a weekend rather than everyday. People have said I look like I have lost weight. I don't think I have much but I don't feel so bloated. I to found it hard to motivate or look forward to anything.

I had a day yesterday with OH family and I cried before I went. Its the first time in ages I felt that down. I just know everyones waiting for me to say I am pregnant. I got in such a state that I couldn't eat but tried to hide it by helping everyone. Only OH mum noticed and asked what was going on after eyeing my tummy several times. eventually she noticed I could see she was looking and she quickly asked if I had lost weight. They don't seem to hear when we say we are infertile.
At the moment we are starting the process of buying our own home to keep busy. Plus we will need the room if we want to adopt.

Hello lovelies!

Work is MAD, I cannot read or post all day... So it has taken ages to catch up.

But YAY to IL-less houses. And I agree about houseguests. We lived abroad for ages too and it is so exhausting. It is particularly the catering and their mess that gets to me. Enjoy it and well done on the run mrsd.

And your comment hit me right between the eyes too euro. I had no idea what was ahead either in '99. But I have to say overall it have been good years. Even with the stress and trauma of TTC.

Sorry you're so down, pout. Were you thinking about counselling? I think I would recommend it (having made the appointment has done me a world of good ). Could you plan an evening away with mrP?

In RL I am very chatty, so quiet houses is not something I worry about but empty chairs (we have SO many) I do... Baby showers seem a stupid American invention and I have only been invited (and declined) one so far...

In some respects, well done on stepping back from the competition joy. I have not managed. And I eagle-eye all possible preggos too. I correctly guessed one, but when we saw them she had already miscarried :(

Waves and pets and drizzle cake at all of you!

X-post with bunny. I am sorry about that evening, and that MiL. Why do people not LISTEN?!?

Also pout we're cycle buddies, 8dpo today...

And joy my lap&dye was quick, it came around in 3 months after the appointment (but I did not share on here, initially, as I was seriously considering not doing it).

Hello ladies... I'm BAAACK! Wow, congratulations to lady, what utterly fantastic news - we could do with some BFPs around here!

I can't believe how much this thread has moved since I've been gone, and I'm going to be totally crap and hopeless at namechecking and catching up. I have missed you all, and was wondering how you were doing while I was away!

Welcome mellow - lovely to meet you!

I had an absolutely lovely time at home. We went to three Olympic events right at the start of the Games - dressage, weightlifting and judo - and then I had a blissful ten days in Scotland, with sunny weather. It was SO nice to be back and have a chance to have long, boozy family dinners without stressing about not having enough time to really catch up. And I have come home with masses of oatcakes (hard to find here) and jars of my mum's homemade raspberry jam in my suitcase!

I'm seeing my specialist on Friday to talk about what to do next following my last round of Clomid which didn't work. He said in an email that I had three options - more Clomid (he says it's fine to use up to 12 months - I've done 5 cycles so this would be my 6th, but only one ovulation), more Clomid combined with Metformin, or injectibles. Not sure really what to do, but hopefully I'll have a clearer idea after talking to him.

Sorry to not namecheck, and so sorry to hear that so many of you are having a shitty time of it. May thread 9 bring us all lots and lots of hard-earned good luck.

Has anyone heard from Care?

Hi, I'm here, just being quiet and having a think. BFN I'm afraid. DH was lovely, said he's happy to go back au naturel. Need a bit of time to process it I think.

aww Care I am so sorry, I didnt mean to upset you in any way just wanted to see how you were.
We are all here if you need us and its great that DH is being lovely.

Not at all Bunny, sweet of you to ask after me.

Really sorry to hear about BFN care. Thinking of you, and glad your DH is being so supportive.

Morning all

I'm so sorry about the BFN Care. I was thinking about you yesterday as I sat in a lengthy meeting far from my computer. Glad your DH is being lovely, I guess you just need time now to think things through. It's a shitty game we are all in. Hugs.

Welcome back Critter and Gin, glad you both had good holidays. Critter hope you get some good advice on Friday. I do find it odd how advice varies from place to place. My consultant says they don't let you have clomid for longer than 6 months, though that could be just because of my age. Gin I'm amused at you perving over the sports people. I was being restrained but having witnessed MrA's glassy-eyed gaping every time Jess Ennis appeared on screen I decided that gave me carte blanche... nothing wrong with turning into a disgraceful old lech in the privacy of my own living room I thought the closing ceremony was bizarre. I did wonder how many participants would be disqualified later for failing a drugs test.

MrsM I am really interested in the immunes theory relating to cold feet, I haven't heard that before. We've discussed our chilly feet before on here and I know it's not good from a TCM point of view but I didn't know it had anything to do with an immune response? I don't have Raynaud's but my permanently cold hands and feet are a running joke in our house.

MrsD hurrah that your house guests have departed, shame that AF turned up to replace them though. I don't think second baby announcements are any easier - I've had a few, from friends who have popped two in the time we've been trying for one, and the smugness almost seems worse second time round, though that could be is definitely me being oversensitive

Euro glad the gig was good. I saw Blur a frightening number of years ago, and yes my innocent self was clueless about what life had in store. Though I don't know what I would have done differently had i known. Dumped the useless time-wasting men a bit earlier maybe.

Pout I'm sorry your mood has taken a nosedive. I had scary PMT on my first round of clomid. I hear you on the fear of dying alone. Though having said that I have two elderly female relatives, one with children and one without. The one without children has an amazing social life, keeps in touch with lots of friends and family members, gets out and about, keeps people together. She's better off as well. The other sees few people apart from her adult children who are unenthusiastic and sometimes resentful about the need to look after mum. I don't think having kids is a passport to a happy old age. I know plenty of people who have difficult relationships with their parents. I don't suppose that helps but i guess the whole thing about the expectations parents have of children and vice versa is quite complicated.

Nowt much going on here. In theory I'm expecting AF in a few days, but this is my first natural cycle after 5 months of clomid and I haven't been temping or OPKing so really I've no idea what is going on. Got the PMT bloating and clumsiness though (anyone else get that? For a week before AF i fall over my own feet) so just waiting for AF and with it the silly rigmarole that is trying to book an HSG. I'm not holding out much hope this time either, I'm working away quite a bit over the next couple of weeks so even if they do miraculously produce an appointment I might not be able to make it. However I have just found out that a friend in RL is about to undergo IVF so I'm going to contact her and fess up about my situation, we might be able to offer each other some support.

Waves to Akuaba, Bunny, Lemon, Nelly, Rabbit, MissM, holidaying ladies and others not mentioned, hope your week's going well.

Sorry about BFN care and sorry to all the blue people

I too had horrendous emotional swings on my first month on clomid - much better on letrozole!

artemis I will be trying to sort out laparoscopy/HSG if AF arrives as well - but haven't been told about timing - do they say a certain time of the cycle is better?
And I agree that your quality of life (now and) in old age is dependant on your attitude and what my Mum would have called "get up and go" and making the most of what you have. I guess it is part of the process of dealing with things - denial, anger, grief, acceptance - with 'making the most of what you have' tagged on the end
I'm still in the denial stage, except when hormones kick in and grief/anger/frustration really rear their ugly heads! Someone somewhere suggested having 10 minutes a day where you indulge your feelings about TTC and then trying not to think about it the rest of the time - I've been trying this unsuccessfully and it does seem to be a good idea.

Welcome back to all the travellers!

care sorry to hear you got a BFN.

Artemis I also get the PMT clumsiness, as did my mum. She was very houseproud but our kitchen was always full of mismatched crockery because she used to smash so much! And I am usually quite a good parker, but there are one or two days per month when all spacial awareness deserts me!

mellow most hospitals seem to want you to have the HSG between the end of your period and ovulation. I think this is because if they did it later in the cycle and there was an embryo in there, squirting fluid the wrong way up the tubes could lead to an ectopic.

oh care I'm so sorry you got a BFN. Words are inadequate. I'd really hoped that it would work for you this time. I'm glad your DH is being a gem.

pout I'm worried that you sound so down. Can you speak to your GP about the immune stuff? I wish I was into craft stuff, I always think I'd like to start a project but I never quite get round to it. I'm haunted by memories of my sewing teacher at school screaming at me because I couldn't stitch in a straight line and she thought I was doing it on purpose. How are your dogs?

I thought most women had cold feet? At least most of my friends do, whereas all men I know have toast warm extremities. My best friend is like a block of ice to touch even in the middle of summer and she got pregnant no bother so I'm not sure we've found the answer yet. Although the Raynaud's thing is interesting. I don't have this, I know one person with it and she only had one child but I'd always assumed this was out of choice but now I wonder.

bunny I don't think primary or secondary infertility is worse or better than the other. But I think it must be different because a childless future is different to a future with one child, or one with several children. I get worried that even if ivf works for me and I have one child that then I will have this all over again when I want another.

artemis I have clumsy days, I'd never made the link with cycles before.

This AF has been short and light. I strongly suspect it was an anovulatory one because I had no sore boobs either. Which is strange because so was the last July/Aug cycle. Maybe my body goes on summer holiday. It's like it's not bad enough that DH has crap sperm but I also have to not ovulate every month, so frustrating. Yet, the clinic says I don't have pcos so why don't I ovulate every month? To be fair I do seem to most months, maybe 9 out of 12 months, I wonder if this is normal?

Your holiday sounds lovely critter do you ever get homesick?

joycep I know that empty space, lack of noise thing. We have a nursery that is currently undecorated and full of random crap that I can't be bothered to sort. The door stays shut. Our house backs onto the playground and I often wonder if I will ever get to push my own baby on the swing. I often have to shut the windows because I can't bear to hear the kids playing. I understand the sadness thing euro. In lots of ways my life is great but this is like a big black cloud. It's the fear of the future, I seriously don't know what we'll do if we can't have children. Hiding away seems the most appealing.

The woman sat next to me on the train yesterday was reading a trashy mag and the headline story was that K-Mid is pregnant with twins via IVF Obviously total rubbish, I can't believe they can print this stuff when it's blatantly not true. I guess it's easier to get away with it when outside of the UK. But if she does announce a twin pregnancy then you read it here first!

Will pop back later but i am so sorry care. I am absolutely gutted for you. This is an arduous journey. It?s completely shit that it has turned in to a bfn. i?m glad mrcare is looking after you. this isn?t over. It will happen for you. Every step and fall is one step closer. think Katherine Grainger. Sending you lots of love. x

Secondary infertility doesn't scare me, partly because of mrsd's point that it is rather different to contemplating a completely child-free life, and partly because I am an only. That caused my parents quite a bit of heartache (3 miscarriages after me trying for #2) and I can't have helped by asking for a little brother or sister. But ultimately I know that growing up as an only wasn't awful (and had some advantages in terms of parental attention and material possessions [e.g. would they have been able to buy 2 or 3 kids a car for their 21st?], so I wouldn't feel bad about putting my own child in the same position. At the same time, I know it hurts, and I am absolutely not trying to belittle the pain of secondary infertility. My mum was a bit of a basket case when I was young. Now I know why - it was the pain of repeat miscarriages. They stopped trying when I was 8, in part because she got an infection from the last miscarriage that nearly killed her and in part because my mum and her brother never got on with around a 10 yr age gap and she didn't want the same sort of age gap).

care I thought of you a bunch of times on your test day, yesterday. So sorry, take care of each other. X

Artemis thanks for the links you put on here re IVF, that was thoughtful of you.

care I am so sorry and am thinking of you. It is utterly horrible. X

lemons how are you bearing up during the 2ww? I seem to descend into basketcase mode these days. I'm 9/10DPO so we're pretty much cycle buddies.
Have you started the new job yet, how's it going?

Mrsd I'm glad that your AF has been light but sorry that you think it was annovulatory. It's weird I assumed that sore boobs mean't high Progesterone but curiously last cycle when I had an inexplicably high Progesterone result my boobs were much less sore. Similarly this month with presumably higher Progesterone because of the Clomid my boobs hardly hurt and definitely not in the same way as usual. It's all such a mystery!
My doggles are fine, thanks for asking after them Little Legs has another new toy that he is furiously guarding and acting like nutcase about. Apparently we aren't allowed to watch him play with the new toy, all playing with said toy must be done in private upstairs

critter your holiday sounded lovely. I am very envious of home made raspberry jam...I love it!

euro and mrsd It's weird, I always wanted at least two children but now I would be so grateful to have one. I think that I could accept just one child. Maybe that's because I am well into my thirties anyway and am not sure that I would want to be looking after a young baby number two in my forties.

artemis Another vote for getting PMT clumsiness here. As well as dropping things, I seem to continually bash myself off door frames or end up getting hooked on door handles????

Sorry for being a miserable old boot yesterday. I just felt overwhelmed by all these jumbled negative emotions and feeling under the weather & over tired. Thank you for being so lovely. I talked with MrP last night and we did some internet research & he wants to come with me to the GP to get them to properly look into my weird array of flakey ailments and to discuss how down I'm feeling

Lots of love to you all and waves to everyone I've missed

Thanks euro that makes sense, good to know.

The sore boobs, tingly nipples thing is such a red-herring isn't it? I always thought it was a pregnancy symptom, but then thought that it was the progesterone - I kind of knew last month before AF came that I wasn't pregnant as all of the sore boob pain came, was intense, then left again. So, it is interesting pout that when your progesterone was high it wasn't associated with sore breasts. Thought I'd finally understood something about my body which continues to flummox me
So good that MrP is being so supportive - hope your GP can be helpful

pout - I think i posted about Level 1 immunes yonks ago but they include antinuclear antibodies, anti thyroglulin, ESR and various blood clotting panel tests like anti phospholid antibodies. Lupus anticolugent. Apparently GPs should be able to do these tests.
I can?t believe your strange flare up. It sounds really odd and very unpleasant. Poor you. That?s good that MrP is going to go with you to see a GP ? perhaps he can run a batch of tests or shed light on what is going on. it?s one of my bug bears that this immune testing isn?t done on the nhs. Is it worth perhaps mentioning to your GP to see if they may be able to help. I?m sure i read something somewhere that a woman had got her NKs tested through her GP.

Lemon ? yes 3 months was quick. Perhaps i misheard my consultant and i wonder whether she actually said i would get a date in the next 2 months.

Critter ? yay welcome back. Glad you had a really good time. And now hoping you get a good plan of action going forward.

Artemis ? i enjoyed reading your thoughts about whether having kids is a passport to old aged happiness. My maiden great aunt at the grand old age of 95 is more sociable than MrJoy and me. what?s quite sweet is her 2 maiden best friends from primary school are still alive as well and they are always ?hanging out? together. It doesn?t seem not having kids has stopped them having wonderful and fulfilling lives. But then i wonder whether it is easier to deal with if you never met the right man. I also know of several people who loathe their parents so you are right , there are no guarantees.

I have never heard of this clumsiness with AF...funny how some of you get it.

mrsd - spare rooms are a poignant reminder. MiL use to call our spare room the nursery until MrJoy gave her a bollocking. I just see it as the office . I can?t picture a cot in the room at all.

Argh the boob pain dilemma. I really would love to conduct research on this. I must say none of my friends get particularly sore breasts until pregnancy. Progesterone is used to treat boob pain so I don?t understand why my acupuncturist keeps saying the more sore = the higher the progesterone. Last month i had no boob pain until a few days before af and i thought that was an excellent sign and sure enough that was a month where i am convinced something happened. Boob soreness is perfectly normal after ovulation but i don?t think it?s normal when they are so painful it hurts to take off your bra.

care so sorry about your BFN, BIG HUGS X

I'm baffled by the sore boobs/progesterone thing too. Like you Mellow I thought soreness related to progesterone levels but it seems it's not that straightforward. I used to literally go up a cup size admittedly starting from a low base from immediately after ov until AF arrived, but over the last 18 months since the mc it has been a lot more random. They were more painful on clomid. This month I've got only one sore boob that is noticeably bigger than the other one. WTF?!

Pout I'm glad you have a plan to see the GP and that Mr P is going with you. Sometimes with medics backup is what you need. Hope you get some sensible suggestions from them. Like you I used to envisage two kids but now I'd be grateful to have one. Even if we get lucky I don't think I'd want to go through all this stress a second time.

Euro glad to have your thoughts on being an only child, since if I do have one that's what it'll be... I think my mum went a bit barmy when we were kids too. She wanted a big family but ended up in intensive care having my brother and my dad put his foot down and said no to any more. I know now that she spent a good few years of our childhood on antidepressants but obviously didn't understand what was happening at the time.

Joycep I hadn't heard of level 1 immune testing either so thanks for that info. Is it worth pestering a GP for it if the fertility clinic aren't interested in the results? i have not even considered immune testing but if preliminaries can be done on the NHS it might help decide whether it's worth pursuing privately.

Mellow my problem getting the HSG is they will only do it up to day 10 of your cycle and they can't do it while you're bleeding. I tend to bleed or spot for up to 7 days so there is not much window of opportunity. Like Euro says, it's to be sure you're not pregnant when you have the test (irony is lost on the NHS). I tried to argue that I know I ov late - typically day 16 or 17 - but to no avail. I did some googling looking for ammunition against consultant and there is not total consistency within the NHS over this. Some trusts say up to day 10, some to day 12, others go up to day 14. I do know of people who have had it outside those dates - I think Rabbit had hers post ov? - but it doesn't seem common.

Well today I am mostly hating other people's kids. Working from home is a nightmare during the school holidays as both my next door neighbours have little kids and my office overlooks the back yard. Earlier there were half a dozen toddlers out there all screaming at once. It doesn't help that one set of neighbours are vile. Their five-year-old uses language that would make a docker blush. I have a builder here at the moment to build us a big wall and a fence so i won't have to pick my way across our yard picking up toy cars, balls, random drinking cups etc that don't belong to any child of mine. But I do feel like the barren witch next door, sitting in the room that should be a nursery but is an office instead

Just popping in really quickly to say I'm so so sorry care that this cycle didnt work. I hope you are ok. It's utterly shit and unfair when you've been through so much to get a bfn. I hope you have some nice things planned over the next few days and that mr c continues to be a sweetie and is also ok himself.

Ah thanks guys. Big hugs.

Hi all,

Care I'm so sorry about the BFN. I hope you are being well looked after.

Have not posted for a while because unfortunately we are in the middle of a bit of a family crisis. My mum called last week and said she had something to tell me. My first thought was 'No, please don't let this be a pregnancy announcement. I can't deal with it' but sadly it was that my nephew is very, very unwell (can't bring myself to write it down). He'll be having treatment for at least a year. I would do anything in the world right now to change this to a preg announcement...10 preg announcements even . I feel so incredibly selfish for always thinking that this would be the worst news for me.

So, anyway, I was hoping you wouldn't mind if I became a bit more of a lurker on the thread. I don't feel like I want to spend any time at the mo fretting over TTC as well as everything else but I do really want to 'keep in touch' and see how you're all getting on. So I'll keep reading if that's ok. I hope thread 9 is as lucky as 6 (or was it 5?). Something that happened yesterday made me think of you all when I was given a code for a new piece of tech.....HSG932BFN. I kid you not.

Hi all sorry I haven't posted much but the convo around being happy with one child was difficult. A few of you have said that you think you would be happy with just one and I have to say before DD all I could think was if I have just one I will be happy. 6 years later nope its just as bad as first time round. I am grateful I have her but it does not make TTC any easier and I cannot just accept that's my lot and leave it.
In fact I would say that this time round I have found it harder to accept, maybe its because I am older, with new partner and DD is desperate for a sibling but it is has torn me apart as a person. At least last time I had MC and ectopic so my body was trying.
I am going to take a break from mumsnet for a short while and from the doctors and being poked, I am even putting off seeing the gyne. I need time to process everything and do more positive things to cheer me the hell up lol