TTC for 10+ months, part 9

[akuabadoll]

Ladies, number 9. The lucky one.

That's the worst. When they cry.
It happens so rarely that when it does you know it's huge. We had some male tears here this week as well. It's crushing.

I just feel so hopeless right now

Buzzy it is so heartbreaking to see them hurting, weirdly I find it easier if everything is just my issue and my oh doesn't understand/appreciate what our situation is.

Being strong for your oh is doubly hard and I hope you are ok.

I feel very much like a phantom poster, but with work i really struggle to post and properly name check everyone (although I have still been lurking sorry ladies).

Having read some other posts I think perhaps I had a mmc last month, I was hugely late a very faint positive on a test, sickness etc, followed a week later by a negative cb test and a pretty horrible what I thought was af, as far as I can gather from mn this is a frequent occurrence ( the mmc in early days for people?) first for me after a year of ttc so taking the positive from it.

I am really thinking of those of you having a difficult time atm. I often think about that saying (probably not helpful to those of you who have been here a while) ' and this too shall pass' this is my way of remembering I have been through worse than not getting a bfp in my life and this feeling of hopelessness will pass ( I am not saying the desire for a bfp goes away just that one day i will remember the pain I feel now rather than still experiencing it)...... Well that is the idea anyway. God probably entirely patronising and random. Wine is to blame.

That does sounds like a mmc. If you got a positive, even a faint one, you were more than likely pg (unless it was an evap line but in that case it would have been grey). I, too, am trying to stick to thought that come what may at least I conceived. Swimmers swam and egg wasn't cracked. It's something, I guess, and if it happened once it can happen again.

We had a bit of good news yesterday which might interest those of you with male factor in that DH had another SA on Thursday to see what effect the Tamoxifen was having on his results and they have improved quite a lot. In fact, he's now within normal range on all values!

His biggest issue was motility, specifically the fast moving progressive (A) ones and they improved from 10% - 30% in 2.5 months That puts his overall forward moving motility at 60%. His other values remained, more or less the same and his morphology is still at 9% but his major issue was always the motility. I think I can safely draw the conclusion that that is why we conceived this month.

I wouldn't go so far as to say that the Tamoxifen was responsible, at least not on its own as he started taking wellman vitamins and changed his lifestyle (eating better, exercising and much less stress) at the same time but has he will definitely continue to take it. At least one piece of good news on this difficult weekend.

Hi ladies! Not having posted for a few days, I appear to have missed loads. Hope you are all having lovely weekends

missm I really, really hope it was just too early to see anything. When do you get the blood work back? That's great news about mr m's SA. Even if this little bean hasn't stuck, you have every chance of conceiving in the future. And please don't go anywhere- it's lovely to hear from grads on the Fred.

Oh buzzy it sounds like you and mr b are having a really hard time. Are you going to have any more iui rounds? I'm not sure I can offer any sage advice, but big hugs. Re ivf clinics, do go on an open day before making up your mind (although I appreciate this can't be done with those abroad!)

Hi again 10months. Sorry about the potential mmc.

It sounds like things are moving for you teu, which is good.

lemons I loved your post wine postings! And I agree that everyone on here is great. Hope you managed to get out and enjoy the sunshine.

sar your FET is so near! I hope you have managed to stay calm and have a nice weekend. Sounded like you had some nice things planned. Re box sets, my guilty pleasure is Gossip Girl! That and the 50 shades porn seem to be keeping me nicely distracted. As a couple, we tend to do box sets like Breaking Bad and the Wire.

eleth your sister's story is very sad, although it sounds like she's come through it all pretty well.

critter I'm still cheering your follies on! I drank lots of chocolate milkshake during my ivf, to up my protein intake. Mmmm.

Did you test coco?

Yay for the well behave af heart.

pout I too explode about something tiny and have to explain the real issue to mr g, except frequently I can't, as it makes him then feel bad, as our infertility is his 'fault'. So I often just seem like a mad woman, ranting cos he's left the dishwasher open! And at winning baby duvets from the preggos.

princess don't you dare just lurk!! I need a link to your Caitlin M question! I have a bit of a girl crush on her. Loved her book, although the abortion part made me a bit and . I'll have any if your unwanted baybees Caitlin!

cosmos at your chimp's well justified fit. I don't think mr gin would notice if I threw his clothes on the floor - it'd be more of a punishment for me!

nelly step away from the Boden. An awful woman I used to work with only wore Boden stuff, so I now have an irrational hatred of it.

mrsd we just googled Proxeed and bought it from the cheapest link. Amazon sell it too. Only noticeable affect so far is mr gin weeing like a race horse.

Well the duchess came out yesterday/today, in a horrible grumpy mood. I went to see a friend's newborn and it just made me feel so sad. The children of people I know don't normally bother me, but this got to me for some reason. I think it was cos the baybee was so tiny and also we're just over a month away from starting ivf again. Also it may be hormonal, as i'm in 2ww territory. Was horrible to mr gin this morning, but have managed to sedate the duchess with some lunchtime booze. Must try to be nice, despite barren child free future looming...

Sunday evening waves all :) I've had a glass of so pardon me hick if I don't name check everyone I should.

I have done nothing but read Jilly Coopers Riders today. The perfect antidote to the feminist book I was reading yesterday

Buzzy & Charlie thanks for the banana cake. Much appreciated :) and no need to apologise either. Hope you are ok today.

MrsD same to you. No need to apologise. I too have my reservations about woo. But I am feeling better on the diet (which I don't think is too woo?) and I like the brain stuff as I find it interesting. Tis a double edged sword knowing what the problem is. I thought that I defo had a hormone problem and I'm somewhat thrown by the consultant's letter received in summer saying all is well. If it's all well, where's the bump, eh? I think I would like to know what the problem is so that I can work towards sorting out. However, on the other hand it must be awful knowing exactly what the problem is if there isn't really a way around it. Still there don't seem to be any answers to any of this stuff anyway? I think back to Ladygee who had really big problems and got there naturally, I look at friends with less than desirable lifestyles who get upduffed immediately, I know friends who know what their problems are and they are really chilled about the whole thing, and then there's people like me who have no idea and have to go to therapy to deal with a potentially invisible problem, there are also those who have an identified problem that the medical profession seem to be able to fix but they still don't have a baby. It's just a bloody miracle that any of us are here really!

Sar I have no recommendations for hotels in London for you. We live so close that if we stay up in London, it's because it's a family thing so paid for from the bank of Mum & Dad and 5*. Otherwise we drive home or stay on a sofa in a corner somewhere (or the boot of our car!). Maybe try Laterooms or lastminute.com for a deal? I'm really rooting for you for Tuesday. Loads of promising stuff seems to be happening for you at the moment. Thinking of you loads. I love your up beat posts. You're an inspiration to us all. Also, what is the funding thing that you were talking about yesterday?

MissM I hope you get some more positive answers next week. Great news on your DH's SA. Hope you are doing ok. Big hugs.

Lemon hope you have had a nice weekend :) Hugs for you too.

Ele that's really sad about your sister. Glad that she has made peace with it all. I am grateful to have found DH and know that we will have a great time together even if we don't have kids.

Heart fab, fab news about your pain free ERTD that's really great news!

Gin Sorry the Duchess came out. That must have been tough yesterday. I had to face a difficult conversation with my friend who was only trying to be lovely whilst wrangling her too cute 14 month baby yesterday. She is very, very woo and one of the only peeps I'm in touch with from home who lives down here. So she understands me well (we sat next to each other for 2 years and did some very intense media shenanigans together - so she's more like a sister - we used to joke about how we were yin and yang and could communicate like dolphins - which freaked a lot of people out) , told me that I was probably angry for her giving me advice and was dumb founded when I hit her with a wall of woo and wasn't in the slightest narked with her comments. She was very taken aback when I told her I was ready to accept that I might not have children. She told me that means I will have children soon and that "it will happen when you move into your new house and everything is perfect". D'ya know I just don't buy this. My arrival onto Planet Earth was less than perfect and well timed and I know plenty of people who've had very viable pregnancies with the wrong people at the wrong time. I also watch enough Jezza K to know that babies do not need a mum and dad who are madly in love, with stable jobs and the perfect country dwelling et al to arrive in a maternity warm small, cute and perfect I do hope that you are ok. We are planning a trip to Paris in Feb (left over 30th pressie) when 3 friends babies are due. I don't think I can be here and will need to have 'adventures' ready to gloat about as a welcome distraction. I will really enjoy: a) sleeping all night, uninterrupted, in a huge bed b) drinking copious amounts of champagne and red wine and real coffee c) maybe enjoying a gauloises d) eating my own body weight in blue cheese and croissants e) spend my savings (ha what savings! maybe the magic money that exists in the sky and is called a credit card on the big ocean debt-tastic) on something antique and beautiful in place of a pram, cot and baby clothes. f) will buy beautiful french underwear in place of nursing bras. g) feel very smug about my trip to Paris on my return. I read 'that' chapter from Caitlin Moran's book just before bed and it made me feel so sad. We live in odd times. I obvs think that choice is totally important and I have no moral objections but it does sadden me loads and loads of different levels.

Critter my skin has literally improved over night with the facial oil and a couple of samples I had from Neal's Yard plus their exfoliator. What a great recommendation. Plus DH commented that something 'smells nice' when I got into bed. Thank you xx

I had accu again yesterday. I really love it. I felt all floaty and nice and vague for sometime afterwards. I meditated during the treatment, which worked a treat. I'm a total convert. Woo me up baby

Well we're off to the pub in a bit. One more glass of won't hurt anyone. DH has been working all day. I am trying not to think about the appointment with the arrogant old man tomorrow morning. I mean what can he say? We reckon that he will ask us about how much sex we are having and then send us away for another three months. It's a cheap solution though! I can't believe it's 3 months since we saw him last. I should be laying my egg tomorrow but I'm starting to feel less hopeful for an autumn BFP. Still we go on hols in 2 months. So at least I will fit my summer clothes if not preggo. I don't want to buy a whole new summer wardrobe in November!

Well, I plan to meditate and roast a whole chicken this evening and probably bombing through more Riders - no where near as trashy as I had imagined hoped when I get from ze pub.

Love to you all :)

Teu - it's great that you have the ball rolling with the GP.

Buzz - your tidy house sounds lovely. Sorry for the dud cycle - but heres hoping ovulation will bob along a little later after all.

Eleth - gosh, that is a sad story about your sister. She deserves to be very happy and I truely hope she is. Life does some unfair things to some people.

Ten - so very sorry for the positive BFP which came and went. I think that is what they call a chemical pregancy - an early miscarrieage with only evidence being your own symptoms and a BFP. But none the less - it is a miscarriage and I am very sorry for you and Mr Ten. I feel a bit odd saying this but in some respects there is much more hope now, as, like others have said, the egg and sperm can meet. Do allow yourself a little weep if you need to. But if you don't, then that's fine too. Take care and best of luck for the next few months.

MissM - Tamoxifen sounds like clever thing!! - hmm may have to look at ordering some. DH's SA is supposedly normal but only just. I have my fingers crossed for you and hope you get a good news scan very soon.

Gin -sorry about the duchess on the rampage. It does sound like a tough visit that you had there with the small baby. Be kind to yourself. It's great that you have IVF on the horizon too. Remember they wouldn't put you forward for it if there wasn't a reasonable chance of it working. Regardless of profits to be made, Dr's have a code of ethics to work by and I don't think they would support you with IVF if there wasn't every chance of success.

Princess - your plans for distraction sound good. In fact, I think you and I have very similar coping strategies. We throw ourselves in to something to work towards - medical / research / woo whatever. I honestly think we and everyone else here stand an excellent chance of having a baby / babies and I'm not just saying that. But I agree there is some relief if you can start to feel that it may or may not happen so you can embrace the non-TTC side of life too. However, I say all this and you watch, anytime now I will be having a big chimpy baby demanding melt down with bells on! . The funding thing - I think it was the health care or hospital fund you are talking about. In fact, I'm really sorry I haven't mentioned it on here before considering how many of us use woo. Well I am in a healthcare fund called soverign, google soverign health care. You pay a monthly amount (I pay £18 but recently increased to £22). Then you get many health care costs re-imbursed. You can get small or larger amounts re-imbursed depending on how much you pay in. The beauty of it is, it funds costs towards registered acu and reflexology as well as the usual such as physio, dentist, podiatry and optician etc.

So just as en example, most months I have 1 or 2 x acu, 1 x reflexology and 1 set of contact lenses. The cost of all this in month could be - say £120. I keep the receipts for all of these and send them off. They give me half the costs back - say £60. And all I paid towards the fund is £18. There have been many months where I have had much bigger returns when I have needed extra acu (around IVF), or eye tests and dental treatment. So every month I am at least £42 better off than I would have been (ie. 60-18=42). But other months I have been about £100 better off. This system workes for me whilst ever I am regularly having woo and wearing contacts. Also, if you give birth you get a £200 pay out. Bit of a stingy one is that . Wow, sorry for the essay Princress - there are many hopital or healthcare funds out there.

Well this weekend has continued to be chilled. Today I made a lush soup and then homemade cinammon apple turnovers. I honestly don't think my brain has caught up with the fact that I am actually having FET in less than 48 hours. .

Keeping everything crossed for your FET sarlat. It is so soon!

I'm going into work tomorrow and suspect I'll be knackered afterwards, so I just wanted to say good luck to sar. Also very sorry about the chemical tenmonths cos that is what it sounds like. I think I've had the odd one of those. I hope you're okay, and take it as a good sign, if you can. Don't hate me if you can't, I've decided I am completely entitled to hit the next person to say "at least you can get pregnant about the MC", as it is true but totally besides the point wrt how I feel right now

Generalised waves and brown chocolate to all of you, I'll name check properly in a while.

lemon that was people said to me when I miscarried and 'well it doesn't take you long to get pregnant', well now its been a bloody year sticks two fingers up in the air People just don't think

ten sorry to hear about your chemical :(

sar my concern is that my body has become so used to the drugs that now it won't do anything without them now, I've never had such constant low temps in the 18 months I have charted I wonder if I have played god too much with my body

gin sorry to hear about the duchess, Charlie has been reasonable quiet which frightens me a little, we are not trying IUI as the whole cost was over £1200 with drugs and scans so we are moving onto IVF/ICSI. I just want to get on with it now, I think Create have an open day in October, the September one seems full. Its tough seeing other peoples babies :(

Speedy message. I'm not managing to post much at the moment as I'm working 24/7 prepping for the wonder that is freshers week things go less manic around some point in October! I am reading and thinking of you all lots and lots it I like to name check and then realise I haven't time to do everyone and then another day goes by etc etc. but I did want to say...

sarlat good luck good luck good luck! I will be thinking about you in Tuesday, just think, in two days you will be housing a mini sarlat, yay!

lemon you have been in my thoughts. It is heartbreaking that you have and to go through this and I hope things in your womble are settling down. The biggest squeeze. I made courgette cakes today (sounds grim but just like carrot really) so I send you a not grim cupcake.

missm hope things are ok. I have a tilted uterus and my cons said they would not scan me before 8 weeks because it would be very difficult to see and could cause undue stress. It may well have been just too early.

buzzy glad Charlie has settled down a bit. On the basis of this past few months I can say that cycles do get disturbed easily, I'm sure things will right themselves.

princess thanks for the chimp book suggestion, I like it a lot. I'm glad you ha e good things booked, Paris sounds ace.

Ok, love to all the rest of you lot. I accidentally stumbled on thread no 1 today (googling some ttc thing, I cant remember - aspirin, bicarb!?) but anyway there it was,it felt like stumbling on old friends. I was sad my period came. Since the op, I have gained irregular periods - 23,23,29,34. I've always been like clockwork and now have little idea of when I should be ovulating as it has ranged from cd6 to cd18/19 in 4 cycles. What a pain. Have stocked up on 50 ov sticks and af is almost gone (I'm a 3-4 day light period girl, I could stress about this, but I always have been and have mostly counted myself lucky). But I've dusted myself down fairly quickly. My mood is crap over my period, almost worse than before. I'm taking co enzyme 10 this month and next month, the douche is happening! Best to keep things interesting. I had 17 temps over the cover line this month. I can't be bothered with a long luteal phase if my period still comes.

Sorry for not better name checking. I am a tired and frazzled rabbit.

:( :( :( :( :(
Feeling lonely, checked my email, got a pregnancy announcement, feeling like SHIT.
:( :( :( :( :(

oh lemon I am so sorry, big hugs

lemon you have my number if you want to talk/cry it couldn't be worse timing for you

lemon oh how rubbish for you. Don't be lonely. I know we are just Internet bods but anyone of us could become real life in a second if you need a proper chat. I send lots of love.

What rabbit said. Sending love lemon also sorry things are grim for you at the moment buzzy , hoping things look up soon. Where is Artemis ? Didn't hear from you in a few days. And Nelly ? MrsM any news? Clothes off the flour Cosmos ? Monday waves to all. X

'floor' 'flour' I was thinking of the sponge cake at the same time. Obviously.

Sneaky post at work. Lemon - so sorry, that is a horrible stabby in the heart and stabby in the stomach feeling. Loads of hugs to you. Oooo I am so so sorry, It's all so ghastly somtimes. If it helps, I am feeling sad and irrational myself.

I am feeling all jelous this morning. I am pretty sure a collegue is gearing up to announce her pregnancy news. She keeps having 'mornings off work' and has said a few things that sound a bit sus. I know I shouldn't feel jelous but I just do, do, do! . I need to work on turning these thoughs in to postitive baby vibes for myself. But it's hard isn't it. I hate feeling this way.

I'm so sorry lemon. You have been so brave but you are still grieving and this is the last thing you needed. Big hugs to you and hope you get your smile back soon. I lost my baby in July and feel that only now I'd be able to cope with any announcements.

I had a random read of a TTC #1 thread. Longest any of them had been trying was 5 cycles. Most were in their first couple of months. It was the usual early stages enthusiasm and baby dust comments, and I found myself getting so jealous that they knew when they were due to test.
I'm sat in the Dr waiting room now. I didn't test this weekend, I'm going to wait a couple of weeks. As long as I test before 12wks it'll not make any difference (apart from affecting my alcohol intake possibly).
With between 28 days and two and a half months between periods, it's impossible to work out what's going on. I used to count myself lucky that I had half as many periods as other women and that they were so light I barely noticed them when they did come. But now I'm sick of it. I long to know that I'm late by day 40, day 50, day 60 or even day 70 rather than every month literally pissing money away on tests.

Sorry that wasn't a happy post.. feeble tail feather shimmy to you all

lemon that's awful. Gosh, it's all so hard.

coco that was my home until a few months ago when I realised I really didn't belong there with all of our issues. I still lurk there sometimes but try not to post unless there is something they're asking that no one else knows the answer to. I think I probably bring down the mood of the thread too much anyway.

Today I realised that I am my own worst enemy. I had another scan and she saw something! Just the sac but it was something and a lot more than last time. She has dated the pregnancy 3 days later than I have but for right now everything is ok. I spent the ENTIRE weekend worrying/crying/ranting/behaving like a fool because the scan didn't show anything on Thursday. I was 100% sure miscarriage was imminent that I started making plans for Octoberfest (a lot of drinking). I realised so much has gone wrong that I can't ever see any outcome but the worst possible one and it's ruining everything. I am going to try to stop that, there are always going to be things to worry about, and things that will go wrong, I can't live my life preparing myself for the worst over and over again. It's no way to live.

Now to figure out how to do that.

Medusa that's great news, turn towards the postive. This is your time to look forward to a bump. And sar exciting things for tomorrow. Positive baby vibes indeed. And we are near the end of the thread....

Afternoon all,

Lemon so sorry that you had an announcement on top of everything else. The proverbial cherry on the shit pie, eh? Sending loads of hugs your way.

MissM great news! :)

Coco sorry it's all getting on top of you :( Big hugs.

Sar It will totally be your turn too soon. I have a very good feeling about your FET especially with all the amazing stuff you have been doing. Not long to go now. Exciting!

Rabbit glad you like the chimp book.

Well, I had the appointment with the registrar rather than consultant this morning. Very nice. Although slightly alarmed when he told me that everything looks fine and asked me what I would like them to do next. Well that's a new one on me! We have ended up having karyotype tests and I'm having an HSG and then back to see the consultant in 6 weeks to put together some sort of a plan. They think they will leave us to it for another few months and then think about IVF. We've decided that we want another year before we have IVF, so it may be a case of finding out how long the list is and then getting on it. It also looks like our new PCT funds 2 rounds of IVF and not just 1. I'm feeling pretty chilled about the whole thing and managed to meditate my way through a blood test and was positively calm. Although I still had to lie down like a girl!

Well, looks like we're on to a new thread already. I may just do the honours...

Big tail feathers shakes to you all :)

#10 here we go....

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/1566249-TTC-for-10-months-part-10