TTC for 10+ months, part 9

[akuabadoll]

Ladies, number 9. The lucky one.

buzzy I am so sorry that you are so sad. You've had a real ordeal. I wish I could say something to make it easier.

Oh god buzzy don't listen to me . Honestly, I really don't think I believe that a positive attitude can help get you pregnant. For me, it's much more about not being destroyed by the journey. After the AMH I was so low that I knew I didn't want to waste any more time down there, and I've found the Hypno and woo helpful in that. I also believe the hypno will make the IVF less stressful. I can't see that it's going to make a difference to the outcome - but if it makes me feel better during it, then that can't be a bad thing?

But please please please don't take this stuff literally. For what it's worth, you seem extremely down right now, to an impartial bystander, and if there is any kind of "counselling" available to you right now, I'd take it. Sometimes, just one or two well worded sentences can be enough of a lightbulb moment to allow you to build your own coping strategies. But don't be adding to your stress by worrying you are reducing your chances of getting pregnant. If this stuff was properly true, we'd all have got pregnant in the first few giddy months.

In non TTC news I have turned into a MN-er properly. I bought a waterfall cardigan to take on my honeymoon . Is it ok if it's fatface and not, umm, boden? No, probably not . God, next I'll be buying naice ham I already do

I haven't read back, buzzy. But I am absolutely sure being miserable and stressed is neither hindering you from getting pregnant, nor causing MCs (this I need to tell myself ). If stress and positive belief had anything to do witi it, we would all have been diffed a long time ago. And my recent BFP came in the month I hit rock bottom, remember. I was ready to quite, to take a serious big break etc. And with the diffage there was nothing wrong whatsover. It is just a sad fact that some of the so wanted pregnancies go wrong without rhyme or reason.

Have some unMNy hugs, some drizzle cake and please get some counselling. Once I am assed the first grief, I'll go back and sort some for me too. But this first part I want to do with the RL people that matter, have been there and do understand...

Right, just going back to read the rest!

PS there might no longer be a choice, my body seems to have tried to sort the thing out last night. Will call the clinic to discuss in a bit.

Also at chimp book in the charts, I reckon princess should get a cut of the profits!

lemons - poor you. Do you keep getting scans to check the situation?

mrsd - I'm sorry about the name pinching. . My friend is due next week and i was very thankful they were expecting a girl because her boy's name is mine. Weirdly i have been thinking about names recently and I have decided on an unusual girl's one so hopefully that won't be snatched any time soon. Anyway, it's a final dagger though but there is no rule about not taking the same name that a friend uses, is there?

gin - it's interesting about the sperm frag testing conversation you had. There are too many things to worry about aren't there so getting on with it sounds good to me.

critter - i got home and to my horror my rose facial oil had slipped out of a hole in the neal's yard bag. I was in a huge grump on Wed night about it as it wasn't cheap. And I agree about people ageing when they have children. I kind of feel it would be more acceptable though. MInd you , I actually think living in big cities like London doesn't help. The pollution can be very ageing. Are you alright after the mishap with the injection? That sounds unpleasant.

rabbit - oh no, sorry to hear about the heavy spotting. I hope you're ok??

princess - i will show you my crows feet next month! Anyway I am pleased to hear you are child free and chirpy.

Teu - sorry about the double pregnancy announcement. That is awful.

pout _ i have given up reading the daily hell because i can't bare to look at Middy as all I think about is she/isn't she. I have to say though I am very surprised indeed that we are this far on since their wedding and there has been no announcement. I seem to remember I was adamant that there would be an announcement last December. Anyway, she does look a bit healthier in the face but perhaps she has been told to put on a few pounds.

cosmos - I'm sure I read somewhere once (probably on here) that traditionally an infertile woman in Africa would hold a baby for a day. Now I'm not sure what that is all about but it's something to do with opening up your body to the idea of babies and children so maybe along the lines of what your counsellor said.

buzz - you are going through such a tough time and we all need to get some jolly good responses so we no what we can retort when some idiot tells us to get a move on. I'm really sorry for how you are feeling.

My bro was asking me about the kids situation last night and I was squirming in my seat and I just said it's not happening and then everything just spilled out. He was very saddened to hear about it as he and my other brother have been discussing that I am going to be the breeding machine in our family and responsible for carrying on the blood line. Anyway he was saying he didn't think his wife could have kids. They got married when she was about 47 and must be about 50 now but because she has several cousins who had kids naturally in her 50s, I think he is still hoping. They have had no tests at all as they are in the US and it's expensive to go down that route but to me it sounds like she could be menopausal. It was kind of a sad conversation. Most things in life, determination will pay off but this is one thing that is just out of our control. It's so infuriating.

Just spoke to the clinic, they think this was indeed the miscarriage. I am going in for a scan next week to check the womb is clean. If it is, I think I can start treatments again after the next AF or so. I am sure they'll discuss that with us next week too. No need for evil MC-inducing pills this weekend in any case.

And so sorry about that conversation with your bro joycep. Sometimes talking it over is better, but it sounds desperately sad. And indeed infuriating. GRRR on your behalf!

Buzzy, I don't believe that being relaxed has anything to do with it. I get a bit cross when I hear of woo practioners saying that if only we relaxed it would happen. No amount of relaxing is going to give dh normal sperm numbers. I also think that some of these woo people havent got the faintest clue about human biology and just garble on about stuff that sounds logical to them. Sometimes people do get pregnant after relaxing but that's just coincidence IMO.

Joy, can you tell Neal's yard that you never got the rose oil, maybe they didn't put it in the bag. I'm sorry about the conversation with your brother. I've never heard of anyone getting pregnant in their 50s with their own eggs. Does that really happen? 45 is the oldest I know of, sadly not a blood relative of mine because I'd love to have those fertile genes. she did have a mc 6 months before too which I think is sadly common at that age.

joy noooo at the lost rose oil. That is incredibly annoying. I agree with mrsden could you go back and say that when you got home it wasn't in the bag? Worst that happens is they say no, and perhaps they could at the least give you a sample.

lemon I'm so sorry about the fact that you are going through this. You are really unbelievably brave - I'm sure that this period is total agony. I am thinking of you.

nelly I love waterfall cardis, apart from when I'm loading the dishwasher and they dangle in the dirty dishes, and don't get why they have such a bad rap here. I think they can look really graceful and ballerina-ish. Did you say where you had picked for the honeymoon? I remember the discussion but not the final verdict.

Hi there,

I haven't posted for a while but I have been reading everybody's stories (sad, and not so sad) and keeping up to date with all that's going on (although I have to say, the posts come thick and fast at times!) I'm post-shag week just now, so just twiddling my thumbs until AF comes and I get to start again (I long ago stopped believing in the 2ww!)

re: the stealing of baby names, a close friend of mine had her second baby yesterday and has stolen my boys name! (needless to say, she was one of those lucky people who just got a bit tipsy one random night and ended up pregnant (wanted baby but they were going to wait a few more months). Yes, you guessed it, I'm feeling quite bitter and jealous just now (not a good place to be) but I'm sure when I pop round and see her (and hear tales of lack of sleep and squirty poo - I'll feel better, fingers crossed)

Also regarding the whole positive thinking thing, I do think that the few BFPs I've had, have occurred when I'd mentally thrown in the towel, but I keep thinking of all the war torn countries in the world, and the crappy, life threatening circumstances that women are living in, and they're still managing to get BFP's. So I think regardless of how negative or stressed you might be feeling about ttc, it must surely be less stressful than wondering if your village will get pillaged/bombed etc. (an extreme comparison I know)

We're designed to deal with stress (allegedly). I'm not sure whether I'm maybe more susceptible to stress than some, which is why conception has only happened to me when I've least expected it, but I can't believe that negative feelings can prevent pregnancy and its only natural that we all get more negative and depressed as time passes, but I refuse to accept that that lowers our chances even more (I mean, someones's got to give the long term ttc-ers a break eh?)

Sorry for no name checking, there's just been so many threads I don't know where to start.

Waves to everyone!

Ive just been to the Chemist and there was a woman with a very pregnant bump in the front of me in the queue. Guess what she was buying? Monster size incontinence pads. I know it's evil but it did make me smile and made me think of this thread. Being barren isn't all bad.

at incontinence pads mrsd.

Waves to eleo, did we meet before?

evil laughs at the incontinence pads whispers that I have cottoned on to the fact that buying duvet covers on ebay is a cheap way to buy fabric. I especially like the bright patterns of baby duvet covers and feel a major rush of joy and think how it is one nil to the barren if I "win" one [evil smiley]

lemons I hope that this is the end of it for you and you don't need the drugs. You are brilliant and love you lots.

buzzy Lots of hugs your way. I am so sorry that you are struggling so much right now. I am sorry too about that insensitive comment from your client. Some people are pretty mindless.

joy Horror at loosing the rosehip oil.
Also sorry about the depressing convo with your brother.

eleth I am in two minds about the whole stress thing and like you don't think that I react well to stress and it might be impacting TTC. I was working out last night after having had another pre period meltdown! how since TTC MrP and I have had wall to wall stress. The trouble is the thought of trying to eliminate stress before IVF next year is making me anxious!!!
Bugger at the stolen baby name. That really is a bitter pill.

nelly and critter I too am a waterfall cardi fan and am a bit as to why MN think they are the work of the devil.

Like I mentioned I had a PMT meltdown last night, triggered by a sponge pudding . I just feel so bloody angry and disappointed with life and may have told MrP how if I had somewhere to go and didn't desperately want a baby I would leave. Shockingly hurtful and stupid but I seem to want him to hurt like I am Weirdly I feel better today. It's not even like I expected to be pregnant this month, I think it must just have been a massive dive in Progesterone.

Afternoon all,

I'm exuding positivity, love, sunshine and rainbows after a little post lunch guided meditation. I also bagged a half day spa deal for £55 for me and my friend and that includes a treatment, tea and scones and use of the facilities. Yay :)

I'm feeling a bit too woo to name check. But I've been thinking about you all a lot. And I'm worried that I've upset some of you with recent posts. I just thought I would say the following on the whole relaxing thing. I'm sorry if anyone has taken my positivity and relaxing and words about trying to relax into this the wrong way. If I've rubbed anyone up the wrong way, please don't hate me I didn't mean to cause any offense. I too hate being told to relax and it will just happen. Hate with a vehement passion. It's lazy and it means nothing. The reason I am doing all of my self-help books, meditation, life coaching, having a nutritionist, going easy on myself, buying treats and booking spa days and holidays is because I need to do this to get on with my life. I've spent 24 cycles hating myself, wondering what the hell is wrong with my body, researching every possible outcome and disorder, taking myself to some very dark corners of my imagination. Thinking to myself, have we had sex enough, have I pissed off Mr P because he's been forced to have sex when he's tired, stressed, worried about his own stuff, worrying about whether if I do get pregnant I will miscarry, worrying about not seeing friends because I don't want to drink, not seeing friends because I have no news, I've watched two years of my life sail past and I've done some lovely things in those two years but every event has been sullied by me thinking, this would be so much better if I had a baby or me moaning about not having a baby or expressing worry and fear to my friends or DH or family. Everyone must be so pissed off. And yet I could still go on. It feels pitiful. I don't want to be a victim of TTC any more. I've decided to move on. I'm still hopeful. But I've tried my best for so long and that's all I can do. The only difference is I'm starting to come round to the idea that I can't control the future, I can't dictate when my body houses my baby, it will probably happen, there's a chance it might not happen. I don't think my incessant worrying is healthy for me as a human or indeed a good place to come from to start a family or to have nice relationships with DH, family and friends. They've all suffered my suffering enough. I obviously appreciate that all sorts of stressed out, traumatized people have babies. For whatever reason it's just not happened to me but like Nelly I can't do this sadness anymore. I don't actually know if there is anything wrong with me. Chances are everything is fine. Chances are there's a problem somewhere. Maybe the right sperm just hasn't cosied up with my perfect, golden egg. It's not an obvious one with me. I've been told my GP that I could be going through the menopause having just passed my 30th birthday, I lost the baby I accidentally made and wanted to keep because it made me feel like a valid human being when I was 27, I married the man I loved at 28 and expected to be holding a baby by my 1st wedding anniversary, and then Christmas, and then next anniversary and then next Christmas. This hasn't happened and I can't let this go on. I've been swinging between joking about this and being so miserable I can't talk or breath because I've cried so much. So, no, I don't think being relaxed will bring me a baby. I just think that being positive and doing other stuff and focusing on other things let's me get on with my life and not miss out anymore and stop being so angry at the whole wide world because this time I can't get what I want.

So, again, I haven't meant to make anyone miserable or feel bad about being sad. I'm just trying not to be in that place anymore.

Waves and massive plummage over hauls to everyone on the thread. This is a really shit time for all of us. I bet none of us expected that having a baby was this hard when we were growing up and imagining what might be in the future. I never thought that I would suffer two miscarriages and be childless at 30. But hey I am. It's a crap card to be dealt. But we will get there. And we'll be better human beings and mum's for these experiences.

I hope so anyway :)

Thanks for the cardi loving . Honeymoon is Seychelles with a brief sojourn to Muscat first .

princess thanks for writing all that. I too worry I've upset people but I've concluded this isn't the Nest of Vipers and also there is a gulf of difference between some fertile being telling you to just relax versus another 10+ er sharing some things they've found that are helping them cope. I am confident the 10+ers all get the difference, and would hopefully say if they felt offended? . I'm also doing loads of phone posting just now and often re-read and think Shit that didn't sound right, but again I'm trusting you lot to speak up if I've annoyed.

There was something else I was going to say but have forgotten. Hold on....

Nelly Critter and Pout why are waterfall cardigans hated on MN? Have I missed something? I don't own one myself but that's because I've never really given them that much thought. I think they look lovely with jeans and a vest. I also like fatface a lot.

Nelly at your honeymoon. That sounds amazeballs (which is now a real word in the dictionary - the mind boggles!) You deserve a really amazing, fantastic, wonderful and memorable for all the right reasons honeymoon. I think a waterfall cardigan is perfect travel wear. Also thanks for support. I was starting to feel I might be unwelcome. But I'm sensitive like that and it's something I need to work on. xxx

Bloody hell I never even heard of a waterfall cardigan till today. It seems I'm always looking up some random thing for the thread on google. I think I live on the moon. Anyway, just popping my head in, all is cool nelly and princess (I'm sensitive like that too Princess , it's a total pain in the arse) It's Friday!

'from the thread' not 'for'. Sober, honest.

Personally I find all the posts on here helpful as nearly always I can identify with what people are saying. The sad posts remind me I'm not alone which I find comforting. The positive ones I find uplifting and encouraging.

On a separate note I need a AIBU rant about DH. He emptied a bag he wanted to use which was filled with my IVF graveyard and he stuffed all of it into my underwear drawer, so that it was completely full and I was faced with a surprise full layer of it when I opened the drawer. I'd just been staring at my now Tom Selleck, got AF, DH was happily drinking wine, he has previously slipped up and referred to IVF as ' your treatment'. Anyway, relatively minor but my chimp went mad and pulled all his clothes off the hangers(because the only reason they're on there is cos I put them there). (embarrassed face)! Oh dear!

I'll stamp on the clothes now they are on the floor. Take that Mr-wine-drinking-drawer-filling-'your treatment-saying-Cosmos.

Ha ha ha ha hah!!!

Cosmos Men, eh? on your behalf. But I did at the thought of you pulling his clothes off hangers with manic glee. That's totally the sort of thing I would do in a rage. I hope he makes it up to you. Sorry AF is here. Hugs.

I read How to be a Women by Caitlin Moran yesterday, which made me snort out loud loads and loads and loads. It has also re inspired to read up on some more feminist stuff.

Oh and this picture made a lot of people happy yesterday on the live chat. I've sent it to my single bestie (breaking up with her bf today ) along with the spa trip invite. And to my MiL to send on to DHs aunt whose going through a horrid divorce. Anyone feeling blue might be cheered by a perve of the young Bruce Springsteen....

24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l9q6o8oE7d1qdxb7io1_500.jpg

nelly at your honeymoon plans

lemon thinking of you

princess I've tried this self help before and to be honest I feel it has a shelf life, I don't particularly chose to be a victim but at 39 I don't have time to think it will happen one day and with a history of miscarriages and immune issues I feel I need to get on with it in case it doesn't work again and I have to go back to the drawing board with the medication

mrsd at the incontinence pads, I could always acquire some from work

pout I am like you fed up with life, it was a pair of trousers last night that nearly set me off with Mr B

joy sorry about the conversation with your brother, its never a great subject to discuss, but at having babies over 50 naturally

I know that being stressed won't stop me getting pregnant as I was quite stressed and upset when I fell pregnant the second time, don't think I'm even ovulating this month :( , well it seems to be a choice between Create and Prague for the IVF

waves to everyone else

Hi ladies, unfortunately my news isn't great today either but I wanted to keep you updated. I had my first scan yesterday at what should be 5 weeks and she couldn't see anything. She looked at the tubes as well and they look clear. I've had my hcg levels taken and I go back on Monday for another scan. It could be early days yet and my test lines have gotten darker but it doesn't look good.

Looks like the tears don't stop after conception.

Oh no, MissM so sorry. Please take good care of yourself. xxx

Buzzy I'm so sorry this is all so awful for you at the moment. You've been doing so well and trying all the various treatments that you can, which must have cost you an arm and a leg. It isn't fair that you are having to face this and with difficulties at home and work too. Clearly I have rubbed you up the wrong way with my posts recently - I guess we're just all different in our situations and stages of trying new things out and I'm finding my new avenues shiny and new and useful. I don't think anything I can say will help at this point. If I've upset you I can only apologise, very very sincerely. I recognise that our situations are entirely different and that you are having to make some really huge and difficult decisions at the moment. Lots of love and hugs to you and Mr B. xxx

I think I may just lurk for a while so as not to cause any more upset.

Lots of love, princess :) xxx