After m/c - the [wine] and [shagging] thread

[FoofFighter]

Funthatisfunny, booboomonster, madeinchinababy - anyone else who's recently had a BFP sadly followed by a miscarriage - welcome [busmile]

Me - got a shock BFP on 5th March, had early scan at 9 weeks (after I talked to midwife about feeling something was wrong, lost symptoms) on Friday 6th April showing baby had died around 6-7 weeks. Our little Widget left me on Saturday 7th April thread here

I have been wonderfully supported here on Mumsnet but especially by the above people who are sadly going through the same thing right now or waiting to, very special people to be thinking of others at such a sad time for them and their partners.

Although the baby was unplanned and completely unexpected, we want to try. And time is against us as I am 39 in June. So here we are. I'm not sure if we'll wait a period of time or just see what happens but having had secondary infertilty with my now ex husband for 5+years I do NOT want to get het up on BBT, CM checking, OPKS.

So in talking with the lovely ladies we decided that other threads were quite well established and to start a new one based mostly on alcohol and sex

Anyone is welcome, just jump right in :)

Just found this link www.babyexpert.com/get-pregnant/conceiving/vitamins-boost-fertility-and-conception - so am going to carry on taking my Pregnacare and extra folic acid (BMI is 36) and extra Vit D (not prescribed, just taking as have been as near as dammit housebound for a year with a back problem so probably not a bad idea - plus other countries advise much higher doses than the UK does).

Have posted in AIBU. Just got to get it off my chest so OH doesn't get it both barrels.

And meanwhile I'm getting a bit pissed. one and a hlaf glasses and my head is fuzzy.

in other news, we got a bit jiggy last night, well he got his at least....

funny, it'll most likely happen gradually, giving you time to get home not just splurt so do carry on as normal, it'll help you stay sane (believe me)

foo I think that's awful. It's entirely up to you how you grieve, and if you feel the need to tell people then you need to do that. It is horrible for your sil to try and tell you what is and isn't appropriate in this situation. Only you know what is appropriate for you.

fun I can't believe that they are making you wait like this. It is just cruel. I know what you mean about wanting to curl up and make a nest though. That's what I wanted to do for days before my mc and I didn't even know I was going to have one. I thought I was just being odd. I was at church when mine started, but I had a pad on already as I had been spotting for a couple of days, so I had time to get home before the awful bit.

Jemima that sounds awful too.

How long have people taken off work? I'm supposed to go back on Monday (I'm a teacher so have been on Easter holidays) but I don't know if I can face it. It's not like I can leave my class to go and have a cry if I need to, and if I cry in front of a classfull of teenagers I will lose all credibility and make the next few years a real hard slog trying to maintain some discipline. But if I don't go back then I'm leaving kids in the lurch just before their exams (not that most of them care). I don't know whether to go back now and just hope it will distract me or whether to get a sick note and try to concentrate on doing admin and planning tasks at home (like writing the 50 year 10 reports that are due in 10 days time)

Hi Jemima, hope you are ok. I'm a teacher (off with dd atm). Don't miss those school reports. Have you got a good teacher in class next door? Maybe she could keep an eye for a couple of mins if you get upset. You'll prob be sooo busy that it will hit you most in the evenings. Is your head of year/ deputy approachable? If you need the time off you should ask for it hun.

foof God, so it's OK for us to all be subjected to endless scan and pregnancy updates ... Your DH sounds like mine, his constant "you just have to get over it, people will always talk about babies" and "whatsup" when I was crying in bed 4 days after the mc on the night of the scan :( Hope it all works out ok for you ...

Yes have had a few "what's wrong"'s off him the last few days. Well doesn't take a genius to work it out.

According to my thread on aibu I used black humour (didn't mean to) and could have seemed flippant about my grief (again no where near by bloody intentions)

Maybe I'll just stop talking about my baby that wasn't to be full stop. Nobody wants to hear it anyway,

more

Oh no foof, talk about it on here. We are all here to listen - without the comments!

I was going to say, it's not surprising people don't talk about it much. I have been made to feel really odd for wanting people to know. My boss (ahem, reason for name change!) didn't tell anyone (it's complicated where we work and we have other bosses, who I would have thought would need/want to know) and even though she knows I have told everyone in our department still makes awfully inappropriate comments about babies which everyone is a bit about.

I know people don't want to know about mc, for whatever reason, but is it any different to any other bereavement? My dad died last year and apparently I can tell everyone about that but not this. Rant over ...

(Anyway, I have told a couple of the bosses myself. Why should I?) OK, rant really over now. Might crack open a beer. Thought I was due to ovulate this weekend but my cheapy OPK (or whatever they are) sticks have no lines and dh is away anyway.

Not feeling as sad as I was, just a bit sorry for myself!

My lovely lovely MW just rang to say how sorry she was. She also says she suspected I'd mmc-ed with what I had told her the last time I saw her but obviously couldn't say anything I wasn't really capable of talking to her so she's going to ring me Monday to answer any questions I have, bless her for caring.

Anon, yes why are certain types of bereavement acceptable for us to make comment on but not miscarriage and loss of a baby? Why is micarraige still taboo in this day and age?

I suspect I know the reason for this, people don't accept it as a real person as it was never born. That we haven't as much a right to grieve as someone who lost a husband, mum, daughter, aunt.

Who was it who commented somewhere on here about it not just being the baby but all the wishes, hopes, dreams, plans for the future we had made surrounding it? So true.

Yes. If it's so common you would think people would talk about it more. My dh was really surprised at how common it is. Obviously I have read books so knew.

It's funny, I have seen other threads with people talking about having a feeling that things wouldn't go well with the pregnancy before they mc. When I had ds I was a bit worried but nothing too major really but this time I kept saying "if I have the baby in October". Odd ..

sorry you are so upset foof!

Fwiw before I had this experience I was utterly clueless about mc and how strongly it is just like any other bereavement, but sadly unless there is any 'physical' problem or an op involved it seems there is very much a 'chin up and carry on' attitude. This is sad. My Supervisor (effectively boss) doesn't get it really and is a bit off with me in emails which indicates he is not happy I am taking time off (and he is a bleeding heart liberal!) which is fair enough but... I don't like the tone. DH has thought me overly negative since the first scan and alternates between shouting at me for being 'stupid' when I am worrying about what to do if I start to mc when DH is at work and i have to get DS from the childminders (mile long walk away), and patting my shoulder and apologising. (To be fair poor DH doesn't cope with bad feeling well and gets the Rage when he is stressed or upset and takes it out on moi instead of being calm and cuddley, which I would prefer ;0) I give him both barrels when he is being an arse though, never fear :))

SOOO this is why we are here. lack of understanding and worry of overburdening real-world peeps with sad stories about our dead babies. is a very emotive topic we don't like in our culture. even when my dad died some really normal, nice, caring friends didn't mention it to my face! they sent condolances through DH even though they saw me straight after the funeral!

hope we all find some calm this weekend. Lordy knows what you should do about work jodidi, nightmare decision because you have to be so 'public'. I would say take a week or so off just to potter and calm yourself but obvs, do what you have to do. And thank you foof for reassuring me that the mc will start with spotting, I have been waiting a splurge for sure!

happy fridays peeps. Am off to finish dins (tuna pasta bake that pregnant-me would have vomitted at so def no symptoms here!) and hopefully have a big-ass glass of cider with DH (if he doesn't think it is inappropriate despite the knackered and wholly redundant state of my womb atm).

x

Just be aware it'll probably go right to your head Funny, even if you are a regular imbiber of alcomoholic fluids.

And I really hope that was accruate me saying it won't just go splurt a la Holby City. I haven't known any of my many many friends to have gone though a mc to have started any other way than cramping getting worse and slight bleeding which gets worse. take care x

Oooh anon in hindsight I knew something was up with the pg even before we conceived. I just could never imagine baby number 'two' but definitely could numbers three and four - but you have to have number two to get to three and four, but where were they?! I also did loads of pg tests with this one to keep reassuring myself that despite my 'feelings' I was pregnant - it just did not feel right.

Obviously, now it is clear number two was never to 'be' in RL, so that is why I couldn't imagine them at the dinner table with DS, but numbers three and four I can almost 'see' :)

DH and my Mum have always been creeped out by my intuitions ;) Now to win the lottery...

Funny, I think it was you that pointed out to me in a pm that on our thread it is all the ones who were worrying and feeling something wasn't right that have gone on to BO/MMC/MC/EP's.

Sadly, I can't imagine another. Maybe it's just too soon but...

Actually not all the ones - more accurately, only the ones...

fun I agree with the not understanding until you have been through it comment. I mean, you know it must be awful but you have no idea. There are so many facets that just make me so sad.

jodidi it's tough, isn't it. I went back just after the scan. It was OK - as you say the distraction did help (bosses stupid comments didn't but that's another story) but now I wish I had taken some more time off to potter. Not sure if it would have helped. Sorry, doesn't answer your question does it!

Foof FWIW I dont think there was anything at all wrong with your fb status and if OH's sis doesnt like it she should not like it quietly to herself and respect your feelings. Grrrrrrr.

Fun I agree that mc will most likely start with some spotting so you can potter around as normal without too much worry, my first one did and other people I know who have mc have had similar.

Jodidi I am also a teacher, I have been off for almost a month now due to easter hols, part time-ness and a week off after mc. I go back Wed. The first mc I had I went into school the next day and I was a complete lunatic. I screamed at a couple of kids for nothing (I am not a shouter normally) and ended up apologising to one of them as I felt out of order. Go back when you are ready but dont rush it, I know there are exams etc but you need to think of yourself and your health (mental and physical) - thats more important.

FYI foo I don't think you were being unreasonable at all like we have all said we must be allowed to say whatever we want and someone here put it do right we have to see fb updates and scan pics so why shouldn't we mourn. I was doing alright till someone sent me a mc poem my fault entirely as I thought it would help to read it but oh no it just made me

Im alright now tho I took 2 weeks in the bleed stage and the run up to the scan (at which point. bleeding had stopped) then the scan was on Wednesday and I was back to work Thursday I think the 2 weeks preparation helped

fb is shit. Me and my friend call it smugbook (because we are clearly hilarious). My sister always puts up rubbish about her terrible illnesses and although this makes me sound heartless I can't bear to read her naked feelings. It's too much! It is a strange thing; I think we like facades, rather than honesty, for which fb is obviously perfect. I nearly closed mine today when my lovely friend put up pics of her really fat ugly baby (it is ugly! lovely couple but UG the offspring!) and I just couldn't do much but think about how their smug two child happiness was offset by the ugliness. Not a very nice thing to think! Who am I turning into?!

pink - a mc poem? wtf? How sad.

Yea I know... I don't know why I read it really or what I was expecting but it was very sad...

Did sum up what I thought but was very sad

Hello,
Sorry some of us are having a shit time.
foof your sister in law sounds like a right pain in the arse. You did nothing wrong posting that on fb, ignore her if you can. I hope you are feeling ok and have some nice chilled out weekend plans.
I can honestly say that my life got significantly better when I deleted my Facebook account(about 18 months ago when we first started having fertility probs). I could not cope with constant bfp announcements and baby updates back then, feck knows what I would be like now 18 months own the line with 3 mc's under my belt! I would heartily recommend getting rid if you can (or deactivating it short term?).
jodidiWith the time taken off work I have prev taken 3/ 4 days sick leave but asked the GP for a week long sick note just in case. I have felt that I have needed that time to let my hormones come down (and thus be a mental bitch in the safety of my own home!). Last year my mc actually all kicked off when I was on holiday and I had the Erpc on one of my days leave. I work at a big but very liberal retailer and they allowed me to have my holiday leave back which was kind.
fun it is weird about the gut feel. I knew we would have problems ttc, I also knew with mc 2 and 3 that something was going to go wrong. I am trying to push back the feeling that something bad is going to happen again. Not sure if it's just me turning into on awful pessimist.

With mc its weird how some people just don't acknowledge it/ want to talk. I was very upset after my second mc about how my 2 sil s and brothers to some extent pretty much ignored it. I raised this but this time round again, radio silence. Just a text saying they are thinking of us would be nice eh?

However I do think that peeps just don't get this unless they have been through it themselves. The most caring and helpful people I have found have xperienced similar loss.

Jesus that was an epic post, sorry.
Hope everyone is getting on ok. I am off for some red vino and Thai take out.
X

fun I'm glad your midwife is nice and going to answer questions. I couldn't imagine this baby either. I was telling people but really didn't believe it was going to happen. I thought it was because it wasn't planned and dp didn't want it initially, but I kept acting as if I was excited and happy. I didn't have any of those worries with dd1 or dd2 (to be fair with dd1 I was 15 weeks before I even realised so was pregnant ) I can't imagine any more either though, and when I was 18 I had my fortune told by an old man that said I would have 2 and a half children, well that's what I've got now if this counts as half a child (I can't see how else I would have half a child).

I think I'm going to take a week off, I'll probably end up writing reports and planning some lessons for the week after, but at least I won't have to deal with stroppy teenagers. I'm feeling a bit better this afternoon. I went to a friend's house with dd2 and had a realy long talk about it all while the kids entertained each other. I think it helps to talk about it, but dp doesn't want to talk in case it upsets me. He seems to be completely over it, but I don't know if that's so he is strong for me.

I got an appointment for my midwife through the post today. She was going to phone but our answer machine has been broken. I had to phone her and tell her about the mc. I'd already phoned the office but they hadn't passed the message to her.

Hi Girls, sorry I've been out of the looP for a bit. We've been away for a week. Last minute escape to avoid visiting family etc / seeing anyone during the hideousness that is a mc. Best thing we could have done. Had a great time, got away. Lots of wine & shagging (had my mc 2.5 weeks ago and bfn at wknd), have decided to let mother nature take its course & we are not using protection. I have returned feeling refreshed, optimistic & positive.

There is one thing playing on my mind, see what you think: About a week after I found out I was pg an older colleague (66) was telling me how she has vivid dreams that come true (predicted London bombing accurately amongst other things) she asked if we were going to expand the family & then said she'd had a dream about me and another colleague & how we were surrounded by beautiful angel babies (exact words, she has no idea what those words mean, she impled it meant beautiful) at the time I brushed it off & thought she was exaggerating her 'skill' but i started spotting a week or so later. now it's all I can think about, I'm dreading another pg, thinking this is going to happen again & again like her dream..... :(

Am I being crazy?!?!? I honestly wouldn't believe this under normal circumstances.

I haven't read all the posts I've missed so will pour a glass & catch up but I gather there has been heartbeats :) and heartbreak :(

Much love & hugs to you all, these are hard times but you girls are really helping me. Thank you x

fun and cake I also have sort of a psychic thing going on too. I don't know WHAT possessed me to do it, and I've never done it before, but a few months ago when I was home sick from work, I was looking at a thread on a different fertility-related website all about a particular psychic who can give readings by looking at your photograph. I swear, it must have been the bug I had which messed with my mind, but I signed up for it and asked for a general reading.

It was quite interesting. She said that I was going to conceive in September as she could see me with a baby girl in my arms next June. She 'saw' that I already had one child and that I was not going to get pregnant again without help. She also made some comments about my career which are kind of fitting in with what's happening. However, she also made some other comments which were way off, such as that I had had a terribly traumatic time of it lately and she saw that I had gone through great sadness, neither of which I really consider to be true, MMC notwithstanding.

I hate to say (as I am a bit of a sceptic usually) that what she has said is impacting on how I feel and what I'm doing - so ironically, what she predicts will probably come true! For example, the 'help' that she said I needed - it prompted me to get the fertility MOT. So while we are still TTC, I kind of am more relaxed about it, thinking that it's not going to be my month anyway. This month for example, DH and I are both quite unwell with colds and coughs, and whilst normally I would be insisting we shag during the right times, this time I'm not so worried.

cake as a non-believer, I would say not to worry about what this lady dreamed, but I know the power of persuasion as am experiencing it myself, so not sure that that advice is particularly helpful! I feel sad that no matter what you decide to do, having already been through a MC, any future pregnancy is going to be really scary and worrying, no matter what. All any of us can do is keep trying, and hope that we will all end up complaining about our lack of sleep and cracked nipples some time next year!

Hi girls just a quickie to say I'm off for a week. Been manically packing etc so only just read the thread.
Foof - you are in the right! Wish I had the guts for such an update!
Wow some of you lot are superstitious! Generally, I believe we control our own destinies as otherwise life would be too depressing! But Heath issues are the one anomaly in my thesis.
Everyone else - keep spirits up and if not there's always wine, and shagging... Will catch up when I get back. Xxx

Have a fab hollibobs booboo :) send us a postcard and bring some rock back

Funny and Jem, those sound like awful experiences. And I think this thread does what it says on the tin, wine and shagging post MC! I sympathasie with your worry though, none of us would want to bring anyone else down. I certainly value there being a place though where I can say that, while I'm hoping and trying I'm also mourning and angry and whatnot.

foof,what is your OH's sister on about? That's rediculous. I'm pissed off just reading it. Honestly. And I'm so sorry it's bringing up trouble for you and your OH. I don't know what to say so am just hoping you found some very nice bottles .

Chuckle I'm at what your friend said "glad it wasn't anything serious" - I think that's the worst I've heard about so far, so much worse than "well, it is actually quite common". How have you managed that?

Now, ladies, I have been bleeding now for 30 days. I have had two 48 hour breaks in that time, but I vary between bright red days and brown days (sorry tmi), and am back to bright red again today to, you know, mark the occassion. Am I a mutant? Has my body forgotten that it doesn't have to do this?