After m/c - the [wine] and [shagging] thread

[FoofFighter]

Funthatisfunny, booboomonster, madeinchinababy - anyone else who's recently had a BFP sadly followed by a miscarriage - welcome [busmile]

Me - got a shock BFP on 5th March, had early scan at 9 weeks (after I talked to midwife about feeling something was wrong, lost symptoms) on Friday 6th April showing baby had died around 6-7 weeks. Our little Widget left me on Saturday 7th April thread here

I have been wonderfully supported here on Mumsnet but especially by the above people who are sadly going through the same thing right now or waiting to, very special people to be thinking of others at such a sad time for them and their partners.

Although the baby was unplanned and completely unexpected, we want to try. And time is against us as I am 39 in June. So here we are. I'm not sure if we'll wait a period of time or just see what happens but having had secondary infertilty with my now ex husband for 5+years I do NOT want to get het up on BBT, CM checking, OPKS.

So in talking with the lovely ladies we decided that other threads were quite well established and to start a new one based mostly on alcohol and sex

Anyone is welcome, just jump right in :)

Just found this link www.babyexpert.com/get-pregnant/conceiving/vitamins-boost-fertility-and-conception - so am going to carry on taking my Pregnacare and extra folic acid (BMI is 36) and extra Vit D (not prescribed, just taking as have been as near as dammit housebound for a year with a back problem so probably not a bad idea - plus other countries advise much higher doses than the UK does).

Sorry Wild. I was thinking earlier that nothing else is quite like this wait. I'm staying with that notion that it's a countdown though, and if that's true then maybe you're that bit closer now?

SS update: the ov pains have gone so I'm unlikely to die immediately from an ectopic, that's good. And I tasted metal today. I was texting on my phone waiting for a bus so I was not ss at the time (consciously). I got very excited, and then thought about the red wine I had last night, could have just been that (yes I brushed my teeth). Sooooo laid back here... ("oh dear" emoticon).

Wow I've missed a lot of mental SSing!

hee agree that if your LP is short again this month maybe docs is a good idea . I was worried mine was short but it seems to be 10 days which I think is just about ok. But I did hear that B vits are good for that although I am not actually taking any. Perhaps I should... to be honest though it's so easy to focus on every twinge when you are post ov... it could even just be implantation pains? Or indigestion? I know I haven't ovulated yet but I seem to have had some pains down below which although do not seem it I assume must be indigestion. I also seem to be getting EWCM although I'm only day 9 or something and usually I ov on day 18. Oh dear, I am mentalling now.... sorry. It's infectious!

wild sorry its looking less likely. Hope AF isn't too much of a bitch and gets on with it so you can get on too.

One I'm glad your pains are improved. Your comment about ectopic made me chuckle - just because I have sooo been there! (not literally). I seem to taste metal quite a lot... no idea why. In fact, the times when I have been pg I have not realised it at all, so I totally do not trust my instincts. Yes I work in TV but not on it, iykwim. It's an interesting job and I can work part time but the pay is crap. But I am lucky to be able to work part time as it suits me pretty well.

Did cake post about the scan?

Morning ladies, good news from me!! Scan went very well! Baby cake was wriggling about & all looked good. Measured 13+2 so due at the very end of December. :D such a relief. These last 12 weeks have been very difficult as you can imagine but all is good & I feel much better now, happier & settled. Started telling people too which I thought would be hard but was fine. Thank you for all your encouragement & support. You helped me through some dark times. Fingers crossed & fertile thoughts to you all xxxxxxxxxxxx

Hurray for a wriggling baby cake! Great news indeed. Am really pleased for you - and glad to hear you say that you are beginning to relax. Am hoping to be able to do the same some time soon...

wilde - hope you enjoyed a last night?

have a lovely day ladies.

yay cake! brilliant news, and so pleased you are telling people :) Can't believe yoou are 13 weeks now! wowsers other people's pregnancies fly by

hallo ice no, no wine for me! This friday though I will! Bloody AF. She still not quite here but will be any moment. I suppose an extra day onto my LP wouldn't be a bad thing, as long as it does actually come!

This time next month I will be preggers! hurrah!

love the SS that's going on ladies, am very impressed!

Fantastic news cake so pleased for you. I hope you enjoy the rest of pregnancy. How exciting! We need some more bfps on this thread, it right cheers one up!

Meant to say yesterday, hello ice hope things are going well for you. You must have a scan coming up?

wild not over til AF comes proper...? I know what you mean about other people's pg's flying by. In fact I feel this whole year has flown, in a weird way, what with counting each month past, MC and ttc, I can't quite believe it's nearly July (and the weather doesn't help...).

I am thinking of getting B50 as now worried about short LP. And getting a slightly itchy feet (as it were) because DH is away and I feel we should be dtd... though unlikely I will ov for another week, but I really don't want to miss it this month. Sigh.

naw boo is pretty much here, is a light flow. Am delighted actually though because i decided to start today as CD1 on FF and all of a sudden instead of being at the back end of a failed month I am at the beginning of a shiny new one :) is more than spotting so reckon I can count as proper AF, though if it tapers off I will change it to not AF.

no harm in getting the B50? Is really good for ladies anyways. I know what you mean about being tense about dtd. I have to let DH know that I am at the beginning of said new cycle and test the waters about what he is up to this month... so can plan my subtle seduction times attacks. I will let him know sex week/fortnight starts in about 10 days and to Get Ready. Then leave it be until I start making sexy suggestive hints about BABY SEX at breakfast time. This is the first SWI we would have had since we made the mc baby so is all very weird and hmm.

I have a feeling he is massively stressed with work around ov time... ARG! the stress! the what ifs! oh to have shagged relentlessly and casually for a couple of weeks and be in the 2ww knowing we did the best we could.

Or to just have the BFP

My work is so fucking confusing. Why oh why am I doing this?!

OMG we have nearly filled up the thread!

well good for you wild being upbeat about AF, and at least you can get on with next cycle! I think the worst is when AF takes ages to come and you are led to believe you are pg despite neg tests (which has happened to me a few times). I know where you are coming from re the stress - I too wish I was in the 2ww. Although - at least we can do something about it at this point... I think I will try and get the B50 today then I can start asap.

why thank you boo

I have spent the whole day trying to write one sentence (that sums up the PhD. I do not know what my phD is about!)

yes get the tabs. why not, why not.

And yes, we can do something about it you are right, and we will be pg soon. Hurray for that. We made our babies before, we will make them again.

I have had a couple of random long cycles and had loads of symptoms too - was just awful. Glad AF is punctual, very glad.

Am writing from phone so will be brief, just checking in.

Yeah for cake and baby cake! I can't imagine what that's like, I felt a little anxious for you yesterday and am moved to see the good out come. Must be amazing.

Wild, that's very motivational stuff about a shiny new month, thanks for that.

I only take the multi vit for wanna be mums, I don't think I have a short luteal phase but wonder if I should be taking anything else?

Anyway, I had a question re counting, is dpo1 the day you get a positive opk???

Great news cake, a lovely wriggly baby. I hope you are enjoying all things pregnant, especially eating for two (my fave bit - I often practice that bit!!)

Great way of looking at start of AF wilde - a shiny new cycle to concieve in. I am just coming to the end of AF and have a horrible feeling that (once again) DH's social life is going to interfere with OV time but following your (excellent!) advice am not telling him when OV time is so will just have to suck it up and see what happens. (day one is the day AF starts one)

Work has been a bitch these last couple of weeks but today was (hopefully) the last of the truly hard slogs so tonight its a glass of for me once DD is in bed and an hour updating my spreadsheets so I can predict next OV, what did people do before excel??!?!?

PS - what is this B50 boo? Is it likely to do anything beneficial for me? Have started necking a glass of g

ooops....that was supposed to say grapefruit juice every morning just cos it cant hurt and it might help (though it is rank!)

one dpo1 is the day after you ov, so by rule of thumb you ov the day after a pos opk, so the day after THAT is your 1dpo. It doesn't half drag on, eh?

oh brill for finishing AF chuckle, I always get pretty excited then! I find it so funny you have spreadsheets to sort our your ov'ing plans I am old fashioned and scribble it all down in my diary! looks like I am obsessed! (I am?!)

HEHE just read your second post chuckle and totally thought you were wanting to write 'have started necking a glass of wine' and were so pissed already you missed off 'wine'! but no it was, of course, grapefruit juice veer amused!

I am fecking spotting today, is not AF at all. Must adjust FF... hate wonky cycles. And no am not pg!!

Hi everyone. My home internet connection is down and Im on my phone so please excuse me :-)

yay cake so pleased for you!

6dpo here and SS like crazy - sore boobs and cramps. Don't think i am pg this time but no spotting yet which is an improvement.

Marnin' peeps!

hee you are excused but you must find somewhere to post or we will miss you :)

Am so glad you guys are SS bonkers! I feel in good company :)

SOOO I am on CD1 with a vengeance! Fecking AF is a bad one, but am happy because i did feel last months was too light and easy going for post mc... sounds weird but I sort of feel like it is a good thing. I reckon my progesterone was reet high too, hence lots of post ov symptoms and bad AF. BUT shiny new cycle for me.

Have been wondering whether to give ttc a miss for a couple of months but decided to give this month a shot (DH willing) but skip Aug. I am off on holiday in Sept and if we got pg in Aug I would only be 6 weeks when away and would mental the whole time about something being wrong. I will NOT have a crap holiday!!

anyways. My heavily pg friend jibbed out on our cake date this morning which made me feel really over sensitive and sad! who jibs out on cake?! And a shit part of me was pissed off that it was because she is all fucking pregnant with a happy bloody baby! what a cow. Putting it down to hormones . Am happy for her really!

So am working instead, with crisps and peanut m and ms :)

be well ladies x

Hi everyone, I'm back, just for one post really. I'm having a bit of a bad day so want somewhere to moan and you lot are good at listening .

cake so glad you've got a wriggly baby. I'm sending you good vibes for the rest of the pg continuing to be happy and healthy.

So my bad day started with dp telling me that we're supposed to be going to a christening on Sunday. One of his extended family and I don't like her. So I burst into tears because I don't particularly want to see any babies yet, and I just feel it's unfair that this vile woman (she's been really nasty to some of the other members of the family and really belongs on Jeremy Kyle) was allowed to keep her 4th child while I am very nice and lovely (everyone says so ) but I didn't get to keep mine. Dp has offered to send our apologies but then I feel like it's rude not to go and the whole family will be talking about why we aren't there. Don't know whether to go or not but have to make a decision one way or another.

Then I've now cried at my new HOD . All she did was ask how I'm feeling about next year, meaning professionally, and I cried at her that I'm not supposed to be here next year so I'm dreading it. So unprofessional, and now some of the kids have seen me coming out of a meeting looking as if I've been crying so there will be rumours about me being told off for something.

Still not managed to persuade dp that he wants another and I really can't decieve him by damaging the condoms, it's not fair, so I'm trying really hard to just get on with it. I'm managing most of the time but obviously I have triggers that set me off again, but they're getting less frequent which I suppose is a good thing.

hugs to you jo xx you sound really down. Are you coping ok generally or is it just babies?

Don't go to the christening if you don't want to. Pull a sickie on the day then no one need question it and you can cosset yourself a bit. If you are not ready to face other people's happy baby do's - especially with someone you don't like - then don't.

Does your DP know you are having such a hard time accepting that you won't have any more children? It is nice to know he would cancel the christening for you and put your feelings first, so it is clear that on some level he does know that you are having a hard time.

Don't worry about crying at work, it happens and will soon be forgotton. You had a great performance review so they won't be thinking anything about you other than you are going through a bit of a hard time personally, but clearly not professionally. And don't worry about the kids, you will most likely deal with anything that may arise with the utmost professionalism :)

how is the counselling going? is it helping at all?

I think (and please tell me to buzz off for being patronising if you want) that on a deep level trying to accept you won't have any more children is almost like a kind of bereavement for a different life you wish you could have, but likely won't. And so, like any trauma or intense sadness, it is really important that you give the feelings that arise from this some time and space, allow yourself to feel shit and also to be looked after. It is important not to try and just 'move on' as if it is just one of those things. It isn't. I think, rather than it being something confrontational or he wants/shewants you could do with talking to DP (if you haven't already) to tell him you are respecting his wishes but that it is hard and is, in effect, breaking your heart. And so he needs to take some responsiblity for this and in helping you mend. You are a team, aye?

Anyway, I am talking bollocks. I hope you are ok, come and talk whenever you need to lovey xxx

Thanks for that wild. I cancelled the appointment for councelling because I was feeling better but then I stop feeling better every so often and wish I hadn't cancelled. It's difficult finding time to make an appt with the gp to go back on the list as well (and I feel stupid for cancelling in the first place) as the appt system is shit at our surgery. Plus I'm rather scared about having to actually talk about it, I'm dealing with things by shoving all my feelings to one side and ignoring them while I get on with what needs to be done. I don't know if talking about those feelings will help or if I would feel worse afterwards.

I don't know what dp can do to help me heal anyway. He does know I'm having a hard time but he doesn't know how to help, and seeing as I don't know either we're a bit stuck

I am the same jo, I feel ok for a few days (better than I was a month ago!) then can feel awful. I am keeping my counsellingappt even though I feel ok about the mc now because I have been and cancelled twice over the past few years thinking I am 'better' but really do want to sort shit out once and for all (other stuff). Am very scared and wonder if things might get worse before they get better, having to talk about stuff and that. I don't know how it will help but can only hope it will. I can't sort myself out any more, I need someone to help me! My coping mechanisms are kaput.

By helping you I meant sort of realising your sadness and not expecting you to be happy about it, or about much at all, for some time yet while you are still working through it. Just being supportive and kind.

Am so sorry you are going through this, I really am. x

Thanks re info of dpo counting (now worried I too have a short luteal phase!). When I was pg a friend said "ah, now all that worry is set aside". And I said no, may not carry to term (prophetic emoticom), if you do it may not survive, if s/he does then you have life long angst... it's amazing what we're desperately signing up for! I'm ss like mad... and have nothing to account for it, no symptoms, and who in their right mind poas's on dpo 3, ffs!!!

Jodidi, really good to hear from you. It's not fair, and what Wild said, ditto. And counselling can be great, just think in that 1st appt whether you feel you can speak to him/her and if not ask for someone else. It's good to talk.

As for me, I'm being a crazy lady. Someday, I don't know when but it will not be soon, but someday I will not be so preoccupied with this. I don't want to fast forward and miss out on good things in the meantime, but...life since getting pg/mc has only been about that, shall I say goodbye to 2012?

jo - sorry to hear you are feeling so down still. I echo what the others have said. If it's any help, after birth of DS3 when I started to get broody again having promised not to, dh flatly refused to go for number 4. That lasted nearly 2 years. In that time I went through a huge down period (as several of my closest friends remember), made worse when my sil produced the family's only girl and everyone kept going on about it. I had to lend her all the stuff - clothes, car seat, everything. As each piece went out the house I was in bits. It really affected my marriage and I was beginning to wonder why I was in it. Then before Christmas I took all my maternity clothes, and all the baby clothes I'd been hoarding to the charity shop. And things began to look up. But I think it took 18 months before I accepted that I wouldn't have anymore.

I think what I'm trying to say is, you have to give it time. And you have to 'grieve' for the space there is in your family. You will get there. Promise.

Hello again. I have managed to get a slightly better internet connection tonight.

Hi jo, nice to hear from you. I'm so sorry you are having a tough time. I too ended up not going to the counselling but sort of wish I had. Would you consider going again? I know what you mean about opening up about things, I was scared of that too but it does ultimately work for many people so I figure it's worth a try. I hope you can feel better soon. Oh yes, don't worry about crying at work. I've done it and noone remembers it a few days later.

wilde I love your positive attitude towards your new cycle. Hopefully this is your last AF for 9 months :) Boo to your friend missing out on cake, who does that?!

one I'm glad its not just me feeling that way. I can't believe it is almost July already and I'm just wishing the year away.

Well new symptoms are headache and tiredness and possibly more sore boobs but still only a bit. I think my sleep pattern has been weird this week so I'm putting it down to that. Still no spotting which is excellent. Tiny steps, I just hope I have a better luteal phase this cycle with no spotting.

Must. Not. POAS. Tomorrow.

Hi girls.
sorry had a totally manic couple of days, and am so happy as I am off tomorrow! huzzah!

Anyway, chuckle B50 is a B complex vitamin which has high levels of B6 which is good for lengthening luteal phase. I am self diagnosing, and have absolutely no idea if it works, and am a little bit anxious that it could be harmful (although everything I've googled says it's safe). So I am going to try it prior to ovulation, and see how we go. So far, it's just turned my wee bright yellow. What's with the grapefruit juice? Is that supposed to be good? I will try anything... and definitely better to be getting vits etc from food than from supplements...

hee and one totally know what you mean about accidentally wishing the year away, when you are counting month by month it kind of stops being about the month and more about cycles, and now suddenly it's nearly July.

jo sorry you're so down. I second wild's advice - this is something for you and your DP to go through together, even if his decision is part of the cause. I think it's so easy - I do it all the time - not to be kind to your partner (however much you love them) that it's always good advice to try and be kinder. And thus get more support. Good luck!

hee step away from the sticks! hide them, do it now, put them on a high shelf or something that requires a lot of hassle to get to. It will be too early to test and you won't know either way and it won't help....

wild hurrah for a good old proper nasty AF ! I have actually felt similarly good about mine in a weird way - like pleased my body was acting as it's supposed to. Not sure how long I'll feel like that though... Anyway, sounds like a good ttc plan you've got figured out!

good to hear from you ice so glad it worked out well for you.

Right, I'm bloody knackered so off to bed. DH has been away, DD2 was sick and up in the night the last 2 nights... yawn.