Just MC and ready to try again? Pregnant after MC and seeking somewhere safe to hide? Come on down to the shiny new baby-friendly MOSH PIT.

[MarthasHarbour]

There's cake for scoffing, backs for patting, and screeching death metal for all your METALLING moments. All welcome!

Our last thread reached 1000 posts so i hope you have all found your way here! I have steaming hot chocolate croissants (or as my colleague said 'chocolate pasties'), blueberry muffins, grapefruit segments and hot buttered toast for brekkie!

Settle into the mosh pit, we have special VIP area's for those on the 2WW, the new bumps metalling with segregated areas for the first/second/third trimesters and the club class cocktail bar for those who have just got AF and can get-pissed let loose for the first two weeks!

blue he thinks about DTD all the time - whether TTC or not

thankfully it is just with me!

Sounds like most men Martha and certainly my DH. Poor dab can't come anywhere near me at the mo, I'm too scared to do anything which could pose a risk, not that I've got any reason to think it would. Still...

Got my early scan booked for a week Monday, wish me luck! Will let you all know how it goes.

Hello ladies - Thanks for the new thread

sorry I have been awol for a bit, just burying my head in the sand for a while....10+2 today and starting to feel a bit more human and a little bit more optimistic. I have my 12 week scan on 20th so just taking each day as it comes until then. To be honest I was hoping and expecting to feel as excited by this pregnancy as my pregnancy with DS but I can't seem to muster any feeling apart from, well, ambivalence (I feel sort of like a teenager in complete denial) I am really hoping that when I have a few more milestones under my belt I will let myself go a bit and start to accept what's going on - poor child deserves that, I feel a bit guilty at the moment to be honest

Sorry that sounded a bit down - suspect its the hormones talking.

I haven't caught up properly, so sorry but I wanted to say hello to old friends and welcome new ones to this incredibly supportive place.

poppy i think it's only natural you will feel like that after everything you have been through. i was like that with my second pg (to be honest i never really got excited about the first one either).

i am going to try and be happy and excited for the next one but when you know it can all be taken away in a flash it's not so easy.

you will probably feel better after the 12 week scan. have you had any early scans?

pebs it is not certain that we need IVF (at least not full on) but we have been trying for 2 years and have never got to the stage of there being an embryo/foetus. I've had one blighted ovum and one 'late period' with a positive test ( and started AF the same day). Statistically, it's not looking good and I now want to know if there is something wrong with either me or DH. If we can ascertain that there is no obvious issue, I will merrily keep going for another year, but I'm getting doubtful that that is the case.

poppy denial is just a self defense mechanism . I, too, just don't feel as connected to this pregnancy and (this is really quite morbid, sorry) I look at this website each day (yes, 26 weeks today) and find myself marvelling at how amazing the whole process is and also in a horrible way preparing myself for what I might see this time if it all 'happens again'. And, really, I think in my heart we're 'ok' this time... so why do I have such morbid thoughts? Can only guess it's 'normal'.

Morbid thoughts = normal; denial = normal; feeling of estrangement from baby = normal.
Or, at least, it was for me.
I had 3 miscarriages before my pregnancy with DD1. I was, to put it charitably, an utter certifiable basket case. I wouldn't talk about when the baby was born - it was always 'if this works'. I was in and out of the pregnancy assessment unit for CTG monitoring every other day. I don't think I've ever felt so low, or so doomed, in my life.

We genuinely didn't buy a single thing for her until the day of her birth (DH ran out to get some baby-gros and nappies whilst I was in transition).
Reflecting back, I wish it had been possible to get more joy or peace out of the much-longed for pregnancy I'd dreamed of, but sometimes your mind and your defence mechanisms just don't allow for feeling the way we're 'supposed' to.

She came out SCREAMING and suddenly all those feelings of attachment slotted into place.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here other than, hey, you sound utterly sane and like this is a perfectly rational way of feeling after loss.

I'm also trying to kill time before an ultrasound appointment at 7.15 pm (private). I hope so much that the little heart is still beating

Hello all, thanks for the new thread!

I am reading every day and getting to know you all a bit, i'm just still a bit to shell-shocked to write much. I also managed to get an infection after my ERPC so 3 weeks later I'm still not great physically either.

DH and I had planned to wait to start TTC until after the PM result, but just found out that is still another eight weeks away, so i don't know how i feel about that.

Don't know if it would be brave or stupid to try again- i desperately want a baby but at the same time i'm not sure i want to put myself through another late miscarriage.

Ah, frozen I've everything crossed that the heart is still steadily beating away and you have a sticky one this time. And don't you think/find the self awareness of knowing why you have these feelings that are so far removed from 'the usual' odd? I mean, it's one thing to feel that stuff, but another to feel it and know why you feel it yet somehow can't change the way it feels! I'm going out around 9.15 so really hope to hear some good news from you before then.

boris I know exactly what you mean. Straight after my loss (induced at 16+5) I felt so achingly empty. I missed my baby. And I felt a desperate need to just. Be. Pregnant. As the weeks went on, I came to realise that what I really wanted was the lost baby back. But, the reasons we tried to conceive at all were all still valid (sib close in age for DS2, my age against us waiting, we just wanted another...) and as much as I fought against feelings that I was somehow replacing DS3, those feelings were there. Even now I have the thoughts that this is DS4, yet as far as the rest of the world is concerned, he's my fourth child and DS3 but there's not really any way of saying that, y'know? Especially as I'm lucky enough to look younger than my decript years - when DF and I are out I often get asked 'Is it your first?' and I laugh, no my fourth (but secretly think fifth) and then they ask about the others and I reel off DD, nearly 17, DS1 14, DS2, nearly 2 and... this one. 'Oh but you look too young!' and I think, yeah, five is a lot... and I just laugh and thank them.

What am I saying? Just that... I think it does take time to really know what you feel. When everything is raw, it seems most of us have an overwhelming desire to just try as soon as possible and think around fifty percent of the time 'actually, I can't risk this hurt again'. A bit of time will sort the wheat from the chaff, as it were; patience is a virtue and fuck knows a loss, followed by wtf cycles and conflicting emotions is no way to have to 'learn' it but ultimately waiting and seeing is all we can really do. for you. It's a tough time, be kind to yourself and keep talking to DH.

Just popping on to say hello to newbies, and recent returns.

I have had a good day yesterday, which was DD's birthday, and a good day today, both of which I am grateful for. I got my hair cut, which looks so much better than before. It seems so bizarre to carry on as if nothing happened, but sometimes it is possible for a few hours, and then I feel better for it.

Frozen, hope your scan goes well. x

Manda, just wanted to say thanks for the B vitamins tip. I am not sure if I am going to carry on with them into a future pregancy, (she says hopefully), but definitely going to take them to get myself back on track. And also, a little quiet answer to your morbid thought, it is so unlikely to happen again, and I very much hope that it does not, but if it did, at 26 weeks, the odds are now in your favour to see a baby that would survive... I am sure you know this already, but maybe it will help to see it said by somebody else? I got such a lot of comfort from getting to 24 weeks with my DD, I somehow felt like I was reeling us in to safety each day that passed from that point on.

hi Frozen, hope it went well tonight x

Hope it went OK this evening frozen. Thinking of you.

Hi, thank you so much for the good wishes! The little heart was beating away at 161 bpm. It was measuring at 14 mm which is about right at 7 weeks 5 days. The consultant had the charm and personal skills of a dead fish, so I'm not sure I'll be returning for another scan with him (paying £90 to be told that you shouldn't be anxious about miscarriage because you have living children is, erm, rude!).
If the NHS don't offer me any more scans until 13 weeks, which is likely, I think I'll go back to the 'commercial' baby ultrasound place that isn't affiliated with the hospital BUT has free hot chocolate and lovely Geordie sonographers who give you hugs (and who work for the NHS for the rest of the week).

Re: weighing up the decision to try again, or not, after loss(es)... Both alternatives seem to carry with them insurmountable challenges at times. It's shattering and disempowering to realise that something that used to be so simple and dichotomous - shall we have a baby or not? - has instead turned into a choice between several different kinds of pain and anxiety. After my first loss, an online friend told me that I'd know when to try again because the fear of the consequences of NOT trying would outweigh my fear of the consequences of trying. In retrospect I see the truth in what she said, but at the time it felt like being told to choose between having different limbs cut off.

Sorry - definitely too waffly. And I agree Manda, it is definitely odd to experience a kind of meta-cognition about all these societally 'incongruous' but personally adaptive emotions and strategies! If only more healthcare professionals had a clearer understanding of the incredible impact pregnancy loss can have on us, I think we would - at least - feel a little less incongruous.

Brilliant news frozen

Great news frozen

boris it's been 19 weeks since we lost Jacob at 20 weeks, some days I just want to be pg again, other days I'm just so scared it will happen again. I have incompetant cervix and even with a stitch another late loss could be a possibility

manda I'm the same, people see ds3 who is 10 months, ask if he's the fist I say no ds1 17 today, ds2 9 next week and when people ask if I'll have any more I just say maybe, whilst thinking ds4 should be here now.

Ive just found it easier not to tell people as I still can't say we lost a baby not long ago out loud without crying. I took ds3 to a baby group not long ago and when they registered us the women was filling the form in which must have asked about pregnancy and she looked at me and said well your not pg again yet. It still stings thinking about it. I just wanted to say I was 3 weeks ago, I should be pg

Well consultant appointment is today, hopefully he will be able to give me some positive news regarding any future pregnancys

Thanks Frozen, nice to have some good news first thing. Hoping my scan which will be at 7+4 will go the same way as yours x

Why, when you call out a workman to fix your flush and they say 'we'll be there between 10 and 2 tomorrow' do they then turn up at 8am? DS2 is still asleep and SO SHOULD I BE!

GREAT news frozen so pleased everything looks right on track!

Ah, moomon so it's your due date fast approaching. I'm sure I'm not mentioning anything you're not already painfully aware of Do you have any plans to mark the day? I found it SO helpful. As much as babies don't usually get the memo concerning the due date, we all know we cling to that day and I think acknowledging it is more important that trying to carry on regardless, y'know?

Well, dinner turned into a bit of a wet squib. I got a couple of calls as I was getting ready that I didn't answer because... I was getting ready! If I get distracted, it's lethal, so I just ignore the phone. I listened to my messages when nearly done and it's maitre'd at the restaurant saying they've been informed the power is being turned off for the whole street at midnight and so looking to push my table earlier to avoid curtailing 'the experience' (their poncy wording). Next message is the manager who sounds a little like Basil Fawlty saying they've now been informed it's going off at 10.45 and it's becoming a fiasco (his words ) our experience would have to be cutrailed, they certainly would only be able to manage two courses (NO DESSERT?!?!) and so perhaps we should reshedule?

So we're going Sunday evening now. Apparently there will be a note in my history of what happened last night so I'm hoping we at least get a glass of something fizzy upon arrival I'm allowed one !

We went to Strada instead as a last minute sub as I love their gamberoni starter. Which seemed just ok. FOllowed by a a disappointing main and a blahhh dessert. Oh well, here's hoping sunday makes up for it!

(sorry about lack of breakfast goodies. Domestic goddess I'm NOT and I haven't been to marks to grab anything )

Good morning ladies!

Thank you for reassuring words, it is nice to know that what I am feeling (or not feeling) is normal...

I got a letter through from the hospital yesterday with my scan date for 20 week scan and appointment with consultant. I felt a bit at this I have to say - given I haven't even had my 12 week scan yet it all seems a bit too efficient if you know what I mean...I am preferring to take things one stressful worrying milestone at a time and everyone else is steaming ahead.

Oh well, at least they are organised I suppose. Problem is now that I know when I have my consultant appointment (because of previous EMCS) I am stressed and worried about how I go about telling them I'll be having a VBAC thank you very much. Then of course I beat myself up for thinking too far ahead....I can't win!

That's great Frozen what lovely news!

Manda sorry to hear about your dinner disaster - hope that you have a fab time when you do get to go

cd 26 for me today, i did an ic test this morning and bfn.

had a bit more spotting last night so not feeling too confident about the implantation bleeding now as i have a bit of spotting for the last three days. still having the uti symptoms on and off. when i feel a lot of uti style pain i get the bleeding when going for a wee. but no bleeding any other time. i tried the cotton bud thing manda but i couldn't really tell if it had blood on it or not there wasn't really anything on it.

i might pop in the docs with a sample tomorrow and see if they can find an infection. it was clear of infection on monday.

Pebs, if the infection screen comes back negative I wonder whether you might consider speak to your doctor about endometriosis? Odd spotting was one of my first symptoms (not meaning to be voice of doom, but it's worth ruling out!)

sorry gonna catch up with everyone on my lunch break but i couldnt let manda's Basil Fawlty experience go without PissingMSL, 'one will have to curtail ones experience' - awesome!!

sorry manda but you do make me larf!!

frozen i am a geordie too, are you in the 'toon?

Marthas - yep, I work in Newcastle but live in Durham. Love the North East!!

I don't think you pissed on the conversation at all and you're not a dickhead. She didn't know how to react, but I can guarantee that she'll not think worse of you for telling her, and will probably appreciate being trusted with the information.

Poppy - I know what you mean about thinking too far ahead. Every time a HCP asks me, "and where will you be delivering the baby?" I just want to say, "there might not be a baby, you fool!". Which, of course, I don't. Do you think it might be a battle to get a VBAC?

Manda - oh no, that's really disappointing. Hope that Sunday makes up for it!

Madabout - how long do you have go until your 7+4 scan?

Moomins - how did the consultant appointment go? I hope he was able to give you some hope.

Nomoremarbles - thank you! I hope that the pre-seed does the trick. I know this is only anecdote, not data, but my friend (aged 42) conceived her first son via IVF after 8 years of trying and was considering trying for another but wasn't willing to go for IUI or IVF this time. Because she'd dealt with infertility for so long, I was basically joking around about temping, OPKs and said "don't forget the preseed!" forgetting that she'd never been a member of an online community and, actually, had no idea what preseed was. They used it to naturally conceive their second son, who was born last Christmas. So, erm, it clearly does something right!

thanks frozen