Mourning our angel babies but still hoping for the future: let the swi commence!

[TooImmature2BMum]

This is a thread for those of us on the bereaved mother's thread who want a place to moan about the perils of ttc without upsetting anyone over there. We've gone through at least one pregnancy, and we know what it is to hold a baby whose eyes will never open, or to have lost a baby after a few days, weeks or years. We know the fear, but we're going to go ahead and do it anyway. And then do it again, especially in the middle of the month!

Newcomers will be welcomed with all the hand-holding and wisdom we can summon up - and that's a lot! Come in and join us: the door is always open.

ciwi thats brilliant news. fx crossed for you

Thanks everyone for your kind messages.

Blue, reading No Matter What at the funeral sounds so moving and beautiful! I had a reading from Winnie the Pooh at Thea's funeral, the bit at the end when Christopher Robin is telling Pooh that he is leaving to go to school, and Pooh is asking what that means. Mum read it and made it sound like she really was reading Thea a bedtime story. I also had a Baha'i prayer (read by my granddad, who is a Baha'i) and the snowdrop poem, read by DH's dad. I got on okay on the day, because there were heaps of family and friends there supporting me.

We had just one reading at the twins' funeral - the 'do not stand by my grave and weep' poem, which was beautiful. I didn't have the strength to organise the funeral but I chose the music and the reading. DH did the reading. For music we had Aled Jones' version of 'You Raise Me Up' and 'You'll Be In My Heart' (which is from Tarzan and therefore that sounds slightly strange, but the words are beautiful). Planning the funeral of your baby is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do (probably) but it was a beautiful way to say goodbye. We only had family and v close friends there, and it felt like everyone there loved us and loved the twins, even though we never actually knew them. Just make sure you have tissues easily to hand for when you cry. Mine were buried at the bottom of my bag, so it was a bit awkward getting them out when the tears started in the middle of DH doing the reading!

spilt hope it went ok with your visitor, I hope people understand why you've been angry, it's certainly "normal". (hugs)

TooImm Thea's funeral sounds beautiful

dachs I love that poem, it's very apt. I also choose the readings, along with dh. My mum wrote her own reading for Scarlett and read it herself. We also had 2 songs, Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton and Brahm's Lullaby.

what a mix bag of posts, and so many we are chatty today.

tooimm I would take it as far as it will go, she should be struck off. It must be so hard to hear something different each time, it must bring it all back to you. I think for your own peace of mind you would want to make sure it never happens again to anyone. big hugs to you.

blue I surprised myself on the day of Ophelias funeral, I was ok, untill I got the the crematorium and was left alone for a couple of minutes, then I was a mess. We kept it simple, I made a small posy of yellow tulips (her flwoer) and we had Adeles 'make you feel my love' (it was the first song we heard after I had given birth. My MIL had written a nursery rhyme for Fi as well. Im sure it will be beautiful and worthy of your little girl. It will be her day, to celebrate her short life inside you.

spilt hope the meeting goes ok Im sure it will, Im sure they are very understanding.

Im on d14, so should ov in the next couple of days, fx this is the month.

Yeh Ciwi fab news brilliant!!!! Xxx so happy for u xxx
Cheese maybe it's worth asking your consultant about Luteal support as I say all my test results were negative and my consultant was if the opinion of it won t do any harm if it's not required however, as I say I had it with both Georgie and this time and I obviously, both times, got through the first trimester so I was definitely happy to have it again. I m also on Aspirin 75 mg again, as a placebo effect but again didn t harm with Georgie so on it now. X
Blue I found thd day of Georgie's service very hard but touching. She had so many people attend at my work they shut 3 clinics so all my colleagues could attend. I don t remember what was said by the minster but I know it was nice, if that makes sense.
Sorry you re all having up and down days it does get slightly easier with time , the pain doesn t go I think you just find ways to deal with it.
Much love to you all. Hi Split u ok??? Long time no see !!!! Hope u re ok??? Xxxx

Morning all,
How is everyone today? The sun is shining here and I am not enjoying looking out at it from my office window! Still, it will allow the men working on my garden to get lots of work done. Am hoping it will be finished in time for me to enjoy a bit of the summer in it. Anyone enjoying the sunshine today?
Well I went for my thyroid bloods today and they are good so need to find something else to worry about now!

Hi angel, no not really ok. I'm just back from the MW and am measuring small, very little growth since my last check 3 weeks ago (when I was a bit on the small side). On the good side baby is head down and now 2/5 engaged so there is evidence of some growth albeit not much. I am being sent for a growth scan.... at somepoint in the next FORTNIGHT!!! I'm really scared. Been told to monitor movements closely. I don't know how to get through the next few days. It feels like the beginning of the end.
29cm at 34+4 isn't great is it

The chat yesterday was fine thanks cheese and green, fairly superficial but that was all I wanted tbh.

ciwi glad your bloods look good.

And we found one of the local cats dead outside our house today - hit by a car. He was such a lovely mog Not sure where he lives but he used to be in our garden a lot playing with our two. No collar so DH took him to the vet to be scanned for a chip.

Horrible day.

green hope you catch ov!

Angel I'll try to remember that, have to make some notes I think when I get an appointment through, it sounds really helpful.

ciwi glad your bloods were good, great news :o

spilt You shouldn't be waking 2 weeks at all, can you not present at your day assesment unit? I did that a lot with Scarlett and I was arranged scans within a matter of days and not weeks, especially given the circumstances. I really would insist on being checked out right away. I do know you can measure less when baby starts to engage and that it's not an exact science anyway but you must be out of your mind with worry. Don't sit and worry, go and get checked out properly at the hospital and put your mind at rest. I'm sure they will not mind at all.

The least they should do is get you on a ctg and properly check out baby, it will do you know good worrying so much. xxx

I have a blood test at 3pm, hope that goes ok as I'm terrified of needles and always feel dizzy and lightheaded after them, plus it's hard to get blood from my veins as they're small apparently. Hope I get an appointent through soon!

spilt I agree with cheese I really think you should ring your hospital up and go there today and demand they scan you. After all you have been through they can't expect you to go home and worry yourself sick. If she is that worried about the growth she is telling you to monitor movements I think you need to be properly assessed. I don't want to worry you any more than you already are but I really think you need to be checked out properly xxx
cheese good luck with your bloods, are they the clotting ones?

Thanks cheese. I've phoned the ultrasound department and explained things and asked if they could squeeze me in sooner, or at least give me a date over the phone - but no, I am not a medic and therefore they cannot act on my request and I need to wait for my appointment to come through the normal channels.
DH has phoned the consultant's secretary and asked if they can help (he did my last two scans and was great about offering extra reassurance ones), so we're waiting for a call back from them now.
Failing that I think I will go in for monitoring later today just for some reassurance, but really I want a scan.

I know my MW can't have been hugely worried or it would all be happening with more urgency, but I am really scared and I can't wait for 2 weeks on tenterhooks.

She's been wiggling this morning as normal which is good. Gawd I feel like I want CFM for the next 5+ weeks solid!

For your blood test - do you ask them to use butterfly needles? Those are the really small ones which make doing tests on small veins much easier, and being small means they hurt less. I sympathise, I used to be terrified of blood tests. I do alright now as long as I lie down and don't look, but would be a wreck if I had to have a drip/canula or anything. Good luck xx

spilt i think you have done the right thing ringing the consultants secretary. I am sure they will help you. If I have learned one thing in the past year, I am afraid it's not to put all of your trust in midwives, they do make mistakes and it doesn't matter how worried she is or not, what matters is how worried you are. There is no reason they can't fit you in for a scan sooner it's just so annoying that you have to fight like this for treatment you should just have x

ciwi yes the clotting ones, hopefully they'll be of some use as they were supposed to be done when I wasn't pregnant.

spilt I hope you get some joy from the consultant, I'm sure he'll be understanding. I would also go and ask for monitoring today if you don't hear anything though. At least you'll have some little peace of mind that way but I'm fairly sure that if you go through the day assessment units they can call the on call registrar/consultant and they would be able to get a scan arranged a lot sooner. I'd make a lot of noise about it, you're not worried for no reason, it's important that you're listened to and given what you need to be reassured.

They do use the butterfly needles sometimes and they told me to ask for them before but I'm not sure the drs surgery have those ones, a couple of the nurses there aren't great at taking blood anyway which is always worse!

I had to have a cannula and drip (for the first time ever!) when I went in to have Scarlett. I refused at first and they sent the anesthesthetist (sp) in to see me and wow he had such a good bedside manner that he had me agreeing within minutes! He brought a numbing spray with him and I couldn't feel a thing! He did it on my forearm just before my albow and was over before it was even started almost! He really was a lovely man and was telling me how he has a daughter his age and just really chatty. I needed iv antibiotics and paracetemol through it as I can't swallow tablets but they put it in just in case I wanted morphine for labour. I didn't press it in the end but it was connected up just in case. I'm glad I had it before though as I needed the antibiotics afterwards (the waters were very smelly and had meconium in) and it was to prevent infection.

I never thought I'd have one done but I did, totally surprised myself. I had to have them cover it up with a bandage though so I couldn't see it! Wow sorry for the long post there, got a bit carried away.

Whoop! I am being scanned tomorrow morning. Feel much happier knowing I don't have long to wait. She's still moving, so I am going to be obsessively checking that all afternoon/night. Will let you know how we get on tomorrow.

cheese good luck for the test. It will be much easier than the cannula and you managed that. Get yourself a treat afterwards, some choc or something. I was so relieved when I had Bobbie that the pessaries alone were enough to get labour going, was lucky in that sense.

thats great news spilt good luck, let us know how you get on. Was it the consultants secretary that helped you?

Not sure ciwi, it was ultrasound who phoned, but that may well have been as a result of the consultant having a word as ultrasound were totally unhelpful earlier!

Spilt many hugs, glad you ve got ure scan. Sorry about the cat xxx don t know if you know?? But we had to have 1 of our darling cats put to sleep 3 weeks ago after ge had drunk/ absorbed anti- freeze. We had Scottie for 11 years since he was 6 weeks old experiencing cremation and all those feelings again took us straight back to after Georgie , 8 months previously. Horrible and I still miss him like mad. He was the fussy of our 2 cats and always loved me so much. I had hoped after Georgie we wouldn t have to make those type of decisions again but as we discovered shit happens then more shit happens!!!
blood tests don t bother me always said I would never have an epidural , I ve seen what can go wrong, but after Georgie nothing bothers me any more.
Hi all hope everyone's well??? Xxx

Yes I do remember reading about your cat. I'm so sorry. It's just never ending sometimes I was in tears this morning thinking of someone rattling the cat bowls and worrying about where Stripey was (we name all the local cats!). I've been there myself in the past and the worry and the not knowing is terrible. I hope they've been able to phone the owners. Course you still miss Scottie. It's another bereavement and they really are part of the family x

just catching up with the thread, Im shocked that you were told to wait 2 weeks for a scan spilt it is disgusting after everything you have been through! I am so glad for you that you have your scan tomorrow instead, it must be a huge relief, i really do hope everything is ok. xx

about the poor cat, hope the owner is found.

I am fine with needles, i actually quite like getting blood taken I had an epidural with Zoe, it was so horrible. I hated having it put in, it then only worked on my right hand side so it was topped up and i was numb up to my armpit on my right! never again!

split totally missed the bit about the cat, how awful. I really hope they find the owner. I would be lost if anything happened to my little dog.
I don't mind needles either, which is a good job as i need bloods done at least every month now! They did put a big drip in me when I was in labour though and that hurt, the mw who put it in was really clumsy and I bled everywhere through it. I can still see the mark it left on my hand.

Had bloods done and it was fine, 4 vials though. I should be used to them by now with the amount I've had but I've never got used to them.

spilt That's really great! Hope the scan makes you feel better and that all is well. I had 2 lots of gel and that got me going with Scarlett, I asked to skip one in the night as I wanted to sleep and then had the 2nd in the morning when my lovely first midwife was back on. Scarlett was breach so I think that's why they wanted a drip in, plus I had low iron and they were concerned about me bleeding.

Angel It's horrible losing a pet :( One of our cats went missing the day I went in to be induced with Scarlett, not seen him since. We still think we see him around the area but it's never him :( He was a black cat, small and fairly thin. I'm worried about epidurals myself, never had one but if I have a c-section I guess I'll have to?

jane that epidural must have been awful! I wonder why it went wrong?

ciwi I'm glad they froze my arm before putting mine in, I don't think I'd have coped otherwise which sounds odd as I laboured with just gas and air for a short time with Scarlett. It's relative I guess. I also bled lots though, dh told me afterwards that it was all over the floor and bed!

Just been on here for the first time in a few days. Saw your lovely news ciwi! So pleased for you!

cheese Feeling a bit better, cleaned my house yesterday which helped a bit. Probably going on here a bit too much and needed a break for a while.

My own doc on leave at mo but have made an appt for when she is back. don't feel like taking any prisoners these days. Maybe I should visit the 'fight club' on here today!

Hope everyone else is OK especially split the tea at the moment. Hope you get your scan soon. xx

Spilt, my love, I am so sorry that you are going through this! I am so glad you have got your scan tomorrow and I am praying that it will all turn out to be okay. This scenario was suggested to me by my consultant (where growth seemed to slow down or stop) and she said that if that happened the baby would be delivered by Caesarean straight away. So you may find yourself having a baby much earlier than you thought you would! Obviously not the perfect solution but much better than the alternative. God, I can't believe you were told the scan would be sometime in the next fortnight! I would have refused to leave the midwife's office without an appointment - either that or gone and camped in Triage until they agreed to scan me (and asked for continuous monitoring until they could!).

The hospital are still giving me the run around. Apparently the senior person whose name we were given before is only in charge of doctors, not midwives, so we need to try to get hold of someone else. Naturally, by the time we discovered this, it was 5.30 and no one is answering the phone any more. I just feel like I'm being fobbed off and the buck is being passed so fast that it makes you dizzy trying to keep up. The person with firing/disciplinary powers over the midwife in question is on holiday until 1 Aug. I can't wait that long - I want it sorted now! I have the name of that person's boss, but not a phone number and I can't find anything out until office hours start again.

On a more positive note, I think I might be ovulating. It is really hard to tell! Will just have to DTD some more to be safe. I am having difficulty with the concept that I could DTD all I want at the correct time and the egg might still not be fertilised or might not implant or something. I keep going okay, the egg will be greeted with sperm as soon as it exits the ovary, so what could possibly go wrong? Famous last words...

Spilt what time us your scan?? U ok?? Xxx
Glad to hear everyone else is plodding on xxx

tooimmature yes it had just dawned on me that there is a small possibility of a rather speedy delivery! Good luck, hope you are ovulating and this is your month.

Scan at 10:20 angel so 12 hours from now we will know how she is. Still kicking my arm for now which is really lovely.

Thank you so much everyone for all the support and handholding and getting outraged on my behalf today, it helps so much to feel a bit less alone and have people to talk to. We are dreading and expecting bad news, but have to keep telling ourselves the likelihood is she's fine. Worrying is exhausting. Sorry for being a thread-hog!

Bad news on the cat. No microchip, so we decided to leaflet the local houses and asked a few of the neighbours-who-know-everyone if they knew whose he might be. We've probably found his owners now (they'll need to actually go and identify him tomorrow). They only buried their 45 year old son two days ago after the police broke in and found him dead in his flat (he'd not been seen for a few days). It never rains but it pours.

Hoping we have stored up some good karma by doing this though. At least it gave us something to do this evening