I am jolly well going to get pregnant this month and I'll brook no argument.

[allhailtheaubergine]

Who's in?

Yes! I'm going to practise that in the mirror.

Timing couldn't be worse really. But we'll cope I suppose. Tristram, Rufus and Discalimer will just have to share the broom cupboard until Jeeves has got Spenny Castle ready for us.

"Discalimer Timing-Couldn't-Be-Worse Smith"

I like it

And Schobe is it ok if I plan militarily to not have a plan? You may think I am shilly-shallying but Bloofer will attest to my frankly tedious uncertainty and lack of conviction over the last year. This is organised.

Aries that's fine as long as you have thought it through and completed the pre-planning for your plan not to plan.

And just jolly well get pregnant this month too.

Am feeling dizzy this morning - presumably the blastocyst is implanting.

Schobe if you listen very carefully you can hear it make a determined sort of gngngngngnggggggggggnngngngngngngnnnn noise as it burrows in.

Aries, like me, has a tendency towards charming levels of vacillation. Not any more though! Oh dear me, no.

Absolutely. It definitely is that.

Yes, be assured that the level of my preplanning-not-to-plan is faultless.

All vacillations are to be left in the thoughtfully provided bucket outside the door.

This is a charming variant on the "Relax and it will happen" school of thought. "Plan and it will happen - oh yes"

Does it help if you look the other way whilst ttc? To not see it coming, iyswim?

Because then, if I take my eye off the ball, so to speak, it can sneak upon me unawares and catch me.

Element of surprise.

Yes Tiger, perhaps if you and your DP just pretend you're casually walking past each other before quickly getting down to business, you might trick it.

Perhaps just discussing everyday things and the weather during the process would help?

I only vacillate because it doesn't look much fun

Yes Tiger. It will rugby tackle you at the least convenient moment possible. I feel quite confident that this is so.

I might start smoking even more heavily. Switch to Lucky Strikes. That should do it, no?

Well I often watch TV whilst in flagrante. Perhaps I could read a book?

I know! Spen the time planning a wild drunken weekend away with the girls, followed by a spa, followed by horseriding and a motorbike track day.

Once I have put that lot on my Visa card it's bound to happen

Hmm, smoking, not considered that option.

Are Lucky Strikes bad

Aren't they the ones that American GIs dole out when they come and liberate you?

Luckies are the cool ones. I used to smoke 'em before I Grew Up and moved onto Silk Cut. Oh look, someone's about to chip in with some bollox about smoking being neither grown up nor cool

You know my feelings on smoking

Where's that White Lightning?

And so begins the sexing.

I have informed my husband that there is to be sexing every other day from now until THE END OF TIME.

RIGHT. Anyone pregnant yet hm hm hmmm? Buck up you lot!

Nice work on shagging until eternity Aubergine. 'Tis a somehow Sisyphean task isn't it . Last time the OM and I were really going at it hammer-and-tongs I remembered being a teenager and thinking when I finally get round to having a sex life it's going to be the best most brilliant thing ever. Never did it occur to me it would be preceded by sighs of "Oh God I suppose we're going to have to have sex again aren't we?"

Stop nagging Bloofer . Getting pregnant is like playing smack the rat. It's all in the timing.

All I can say is that I'm on schedule.

"getting pg is like playing smack the rat"

The last time I saw a GP about my ancient Lidl carrier bag of a uterus he said in our case it's all about the statistics. Poor chap was only about 25 and blushed furiously when forced to ask how often we 'did it'

Oh do we have to do it to the end of time? Really?

I'm not sure I have the energy, girded loins or no girded loins.

In 1 weeks time we have to 'do it' every day/every other day. I may have to stop up on energy pills (and batteries)

Feeling a bit queasy here.

Pregnant obviously, can't be a hangover.

Definitely pregnant. No doubt about it. Good work soldier.

Just to clarify, we only have to shag UNTIL THE END OF TIME for the next ten days or so because after that we will all be pregnant and will not be required to shag anything unless we really want to (and we will want to, what with being all hormoney and horny).

Also, just to demonstrate my dedication to the cause, I would like to point out that I have a thread in baby names. Oh yes. I am, brooking NO ARGUMENTS.

Oh Schobe crack out the bunting and throw a shower.

I have chosen my baby names. I have a list here on my laptop. I am having twin girls (and then possibly a boy). Twins would be convenient given my age and body quality.

Right, I've got the champers. Too early to wet the babies' heads (it's plainly twinz).

I too have chosen names. And I live in endless terror that someone will steal my girl-name. I would then have to kill them, clearly, which given they would be either pregnant or a new mother would really be in the most shockingly poor taste.