Relax and It'll Happen- at the BESH Spa

[starcuntmole]

Unwind and rest your weary wombles as we cater to your every relaxation need. If you've been getting stressed about failing to fertilise for what feels like five hundred years, and your follicles aren't getting any younger, we have the perfect combination of treatments to send you on your way uplifted, and updiffed.
Pampering experiences from head to toe, and all the bits in between, whose benefits stem from the combination of nature?s ingredients and our therapists? highly trained hands and tongues.
Feel the all over healing powers of touch, with one of our speciality Cuban massages (rum and cigarring compulsory) , indulge in a volcanic mud-cake wrap or lose yourself in our unique water experiences: gin jacuzzi, turkish delight baths, and enjoy the Sechseny pool staffed by our attentive in house swimmers. Finally treat yourself to a mani/pedi (polishes come in the full range of colours from Clearly Clear to Russet)

Complimentary bar.
Please note: Robes must be worn in all pubic areas.

[BarbiesBeaver]

I too am returning after buggering off for a week. I bring cream teas, gut rot cider, pasties and clotted cream ice creams for all.

I would have posted yesterday but I was too traumatised after hearing of Mr Jovi in his leather pantaloons.

Moley I salute you.

Anyone want one of the twenty strawberry and gooseberry tarts I've baked ?

[AlpinePony]

Hello all, do any of the shag dictated to have anything to report?

BTW I shared the m4 with middle-class glasto meeja cocks yest morning. Cocks.

One of the most humiliating things I've ever done involved a man wearing leather trousers, a large amount of alcohol and me with a small chemical imbalance. Shot down in flames in front of a large audience. :(

[macaroonmum]

Moley that is truely an achievement which surely has to result in diffment

[AlpinePony]

Oh yes sunny that is shocking. Wankers. :(

[Ariesgirl]

You should plant more tempting foodstuffs, Sunny, wait behind a bush armed with a spade and then set upon the bastards. Don't worry, Barbie will know how to effectively dispose of the bloodied corpses. Can't believe anyone would be such a cunt. Yes. I said cunt

11 DPO here. No symptoms apart from predroidal rage yesterday which I always get 4 days before. Slightly sore boobs too - again completely normal. Slightly spinny head perhaps. I have a little M on the Shag Dictator. What does that mean?

[AlpinePony]

Droid imminent I believe.

[Ariesgirl]

Indulge me for pity's sake Doesn't it mean "Diffed most likely"?

And how does it know? I've never used the fucker before this month.

[AlpinePony]

It probably just thinks you've an 'average' lute phase. Talk about presumptuous, as though you're average! Tsk.

[kat2504]

The little m doesn't mean "mother to be" then?! Pff. I am about 4dpo, 5 at the most and I am trying to restrain myself and lock up anything that looks like a stick. No chance here I reckon though, not enough action.

I am enjoying a day off today and am still lounging in my dressing gown :) And another day off this week due to teachers' strike. Obviously means only 3 days pay, rather than 5, but hey, I am relaxing at least.

[BarbiesBeaver]

Might I respectfully suggest not bludgeoning the perpetrator Sunny - it would leave lots of gore which might be tricky to get rid of. A subtle misting of arsenic onto said delicious produce would do the trick and leave little evidence that could be traced to your allotment. Although not nearly as satisfying though.

[kat2504]

[InTheSunshine]

There's making an effort with the sechs Mole but you've taken it to a whole new level!



Kat are you dressed yet?

MS suggested some sort of webcam at the allotment, I suggested an elaborate trap in the style of Wallce & Gromitt.....that sentence sums us up quite well.

Rie how does the shag dictator know? Does one only POAS in the days leading up to laying an egg? What's the protocol post lay?

We were meant to do The Sechs last night. It was all a bit emotional for Mr Sunny who felt the pressure of doing it on the right day & got stage fright. This has happened once or twice before. Is this normal? Do I stop talking to him about The Right Time? Part of me thinks FFS all you have to do is shag. But then, I am an ice queen

[owlbooty]

Sunny fucking cheek! Are you sure it is not an evil squirrel? They stole every last one of my broad beans last year and most of my raspberries. If, though, they were clearly picked rather than scoffed in situ then I think bear traps are in order. Fuckers.

Moley here let me pin this medal to your buzzwams for services to procreation. Clearly this sort of dedication to the cause MUST deserve a win.

Rie I believe the M arrives when it thinks you are approaching 28 days bang on until the dictator learns otherwise, and means 'Margaritas Required Immediately'. Regardless of whether POAS is fruitful, margaritas are always required at this point in the cycle

[owlbooty]

Ps. Poor Mr Sunny. That does seem to happen. I still don't really get it, as they spend all the time up to when one begins TTC hopefully hoping for shaggery and being disappointed when we have headaches. When we offer it on tap, they seem to panic. Tis most odd. I wish I understood it better as it clearly bothers them.

[owlbooty]

PPS:

[AlpinePony]

rie the bird which sicks up bones is right. Should you (or MrA) deign to rtfm then you will see the m is just a 'warning' that if your Droid is coming it'll be soon. Not sure but guessing 3 eggy,bars plus 14. How are your symptoms anyway?

Btw? Damaged veg? Eroto-violence? Fish? Gin?

[Ariesgirl]

Well. There will be no technologically assisted diffment for me this month. Droid will be here imminently.

I am feeling extremely brittle.

[AlpinePony]

Right, time to get MrA's white goods tested because the machine said you were good. In the original scrolls of Besh there is a woman who bought a child's microscope at a car boot sale and conducted preliminary investigations herself.

[AlpinePony]

Ps I'm very sorry to hear its coming. :(

[InTheSunshine]

Rie what a sack of shit.

[starcuntmole]

Cuntsticks sweet Ariadne poxy stupid Fred, I take full responsibility. fuck fuck and thrice fuck. Sending huge amounts of tequila and doughnuts your way.

[ginhag]

rie this may be no help but I don't think the m knows that it actually means anything you probably read this anyway

Big love xx

[ginhag]

Ps it's in the 'how do I use' bit, think the link just goes to index.

[Ariesgirl]

Darling Ginny, it's the blood in my fanjo which is making me suspect.

It was a lovely thought though

[Ariesgirl]

Sorry, that sounded really sarcastic. I didn't mean it to.