Relax and It'll Happen- at the BESH Spa

[starcuntmole]

Unwind and rest your weary wombles as we cater to your every relaxation need. If you've been getting stressed about failing to fertilise for what feels like five hundred years, and your follicles aren't getting any younger, we have the perfect combination of treatments to send you on your way uplifted, and updiffed.
Pampering experiences from head to toe, and all the bits in between, whose benefits stem from the combination of nature?s ingredients and our therapists? highly trained hands and tongues.
Feel the all over healing powers of touch, with one of our speciality Cuban massages (rum and cigarring compulsory) , indulge in a volcanic mud-cake wrap or lose yourself in our unique water experiences: gin jacuzzi, turkish delight baths, and enjoy the Sechseny pool staffed by our attentive in house swimmers. Finally treat yourself to a mani/pedi (polishes come in the full range of colours from Clearly Clear to Russet)

Complimentary bar.
Please note: Robes must be worn in all pubic areas.

Awww madame dont cry, you seem like a very lovely lady to me. Good on Monsieur Boo for providing the shoulder.

In my experience classes like body balance are full of mini ladies, i like to think that they are probably jealous of my heaving bazookas and curves when i am there!

I have tried that before, and I also joined a thread on here, but I didn't keep up with it. The only times I've lost weight have been when I've done slimming world - but I can't afford it at the moment.

Which website is it? Please to provide a link?

Cherry I shouldn't moan really - our class is in the church hall and we are all shapes and sizes, we even have two men in our class (one is cute and almost certainly gay).

it's good to vent though.

How i love handsome gay men, they make the world so much prettier.

Oh beautiful Boo, we really are the same person I have nothing but empathy,(although am monumentally greatful to the larger lady there who means I'm not the biggest zumbarer) Shall I put you in a head lock with repeated nipple twists-child awake, will finish later x (yeah?)

cherry's right boo. There was a law passes stating only the slender can do balance and they have to wear pretty matching kit and shouldn't display 6 week stubble on their shins. I always feel like a fat tramp when I go but again cherry is right, they want our boobs (jury is out on thighs)! ;) anyway if you want to feel petite and slim, we can meet up more often and I'll be the 'fat friend'. The lengths I'll go to for an ESH.;)

cherry I'm not so much of a drinker, but I drank when I wanted to and without regret. I believe it's the white goods more at risk than us. If you're getting regular droids then basic science would indicate that you are probably ok. Have you tried seducing a younger, more virile man? Tom hardy perhaps? Problems are very frequently the shoddy white goods we are delivered, but I bet your husband won't be found on dadsnet fretting about the quality of his headless swimmers and asking recommendations for alcohol-free beer and cotton pants!

Alps what the blazes were you doing up at 2.40am? I'm feeling self conscious posting at 7 o clock. Can't sleep. Farking cat woke me at 5.40, the little twat.

Boo, you are lovely just as you are. However, re the chin thing, if you are fretting about Casp's FB photo, then pliz don't. It was clearly your position on the sofa wot did it. I had a photo taken at Christmas in which I had not two, but four chins.

Ah, these white goods I'm going to cut out MrA's alcohol intake I think. Only problem is, I should probably do the same, out of solidarity you understand (because there's clearly nothing wrong with me) But I am far too weak to do so . And our town is en fete this weekend, which is traditionally a time for consuming enormous quantities of scrumpy so strong it makes you hallucinate. I'll stop drinking on Monday

Ooh ooh ariel will you promise to drink the hallucinogenic cider and come and post? Please?

Sorry didn't come back, child had developed illness in the three hours since going to bed perfectly healthy, how do they do that ?

In answer to your query systemaddict (5 * anyone?) I started ttc #2 in jan 2010 too. However, I don't think I was working quite right OMG I JUST PROOF READ AND THIS SENTENCE HAD APPEARED FROM NOWHERE!!!!!!!
until I stopped bfing in may, got diffed the month after I gave up-June, then mc in august. Teechnically though, I only have one tube, so although last droid was welcomed with a bit of a 'it's been a year now' style melt down, out of the last twelve months I was pg for two, recovering for one, and oving on the wrong side for about 6, which means i've only been trying for three months hey, I'm practically fertile! I'm like one if those irritating people who's all 'oh my god i've been ttc for a week now why is it taking soooooo long'. I shall sit here all smug in my bounteous fecundity all day now!

Carry on, baronesses

(Can't stop laughing at the random gleeful bumming!!)

starcunt I loved 5*, aaaah memories. :) why weren't they bigger? Why retire after 1 album? Didn't they spend hideous amounts of money and go broke? Sponsored by toothpaste iirc.

aries insomnia. Back to bed, then an hour later awoke with ravenous hunger, then baybee woke me at 6. Thank goodness I cope without sleep. (sobs)

boo is very very pretty. (Simpers)

starry I didn't know you were only playing off one wicket (I have no idea if that analogy works), so yes, you are practically almost literally ;) the sort of woman who accidentally gets pregnant. Although clearly glee bumming will help.

Thanks for the thoughts. White good have been checked and are OK, I have just had cyst removed and tubes checked (ok) so fingers crossed for the next few cycles...it's all getting a bit DULLSVILLE now.

Is anyone else already really bored of the TV and radio going on about Glastonbury? shut up you muddy bastards < fumes as decided to not go after getting ticket>

Cherry I've come to the conclusion that the odd medicinal gin makes bugger all impact on fertility. This however is mainly based on a sample size of one where the month I did actually get updiffed I had to attend MIL's birthday party and was forced to drink my own body weight in wine to get through the evening Like Rie and Pone I suspect that booze has more impact on the white goods but then you have to weigh that up against having a grumpy sober husband.

Having said that I was not trying for half as long as some of our lovely BEShies in here and only ended up in the Palais due to a combination of Daily Mail related age, being divorced and teflon womble.

There's a sentence that makes no sense outside this thread.

Missus, you are ace and I will not hear a word to the contrary.

Moley tis true, you are practically like one of those 15 yr olds that gets updiffed from looking at boys, you have every right to be smug!

Rie scrumpy is evil. It will make you horribly hungover and post all manner of random drunken stuff all over the internet. I look forward to that

Oh you lot are so lovely

You are probably right about the sofa position Rie, I will endeavour to put my head down during my next photo session! Festival sounds lovely, will there be lots of grockles?

Alps you are a bloomin' Goddess so less of the fat friend nonsense lady.

Cherry - I am usually in a foul mood every year around now because of not being in a field in Pilton. Haven't been since 2004. I am not listening to 6music as I usually do and am not reading any papers. I entered a competition to won tickets and came 2nd . I also tried and falied to win tickets with the Guardian who just sent me a fucking Glastonbury highlights email. Bastards, how dare they rub my nose in it? [breaks down]

Cunty you just get funnier. That is all.

Smallboo has a swimming lesson this pm so I get to thrash up and down the pool for half an hour while he's with his instructor. If I grimace will this exercise the chins? :o

Boo, the website I use is called weightlossresources.com. You do have to pay a subscription but I find it helpful to keep an eye on what I am eating. The good thing about it is that it teaches you things like how much exercise is needed to burn off x calories. So many people (me included) used to do a gym class and feel like they had "earned" a Mars bar. The thing is, the gym class probably only burned off 300 cals and the Mars bar is 400 (or whatever - I'm making up the numbers). And some supposedly healthy foods are uber-calorific (e.g. flapjacks, which I love). The problem with all diets and groups is that they are supposed to be a temporary measure while you lose weight and then you go back to normal. Whereas calorie counting lets you lose weight by creating a calorie deficit and then you should have enough knowledge to maintain the loss once its gone. Be warned, if you try this method you are likely to weep after a heavy gym class/run when you realise all that effort has only earned you two jaffa cakes and an apple. It is a very rude awakening (or at least it was for me).

Cherry I have cut down on the gin and wine really quite a lot since ttc, but I haven't cut it out completely. I do try not to actually get drunk these days though. Frankly it is going to be bad enough having 9 months+ without booze if I do get duffed without depriving myself now. Luckily, the bloke doesn't really drink. (If only he would learn to bloody well drive....)

Excitingly, Mr euro's swimmers are being put through their paces at Guy's as we speak. Could I ask the BESH for some cheerleading please? COME ON LITTLE SWIMMERS. YOU CAN DO IT BOYS. WOOOO HOOOOOO!

Ahem.

No, Boo, NO!!! Head goes UP to avoid multiple chinnage!

Grockles is what they call them in Devon. Here they be emmets. There will be a fair few I expect but it's mainly a locals thing. Lots of processions, comedy acts in street, musical goings on, fairground rides and oh, did I mention the cider?

Thanks fo the info Euro. I know you're right about groups - I guess the way they make their money is because people keep coming back and I also know I need to make lifestyle changes. I wish I had a personal chef who could make me tasty snacks that satisfy me without making me bigger... But back to the real world. Will check out that website. Ta muchly.

x-post Ariel - sounds lovely, would love to jump in car and come for the day, that would so chase my Glasto blues away. Oh look, I made a little poem.

I too have composed a poem. It's a haiku and I have called it "Rain".

Rain rain endless rain.
Why oh why won't you fuck off?
Oh rain ceaseless rain.

I consider it to be a work of genius.

5 7 5 with reference to nature. Definitely a haiku. Lovely.

Is it raining where you are then dear? Or did you write this the other day?

No I wrote it just now during a brief shower. And it worked because the rain has fucked off and now the sun is out!

I wrote a haiku about spiders once in school. Can't remember the first line but the second two lines were:
Brown high jointed legs running
Oh how I loathe them.

Well the English teacher liked it!

I wrote a poem once that started with the line: 'Green hills rise past my shoulders', which impressed my teacher.

Clearly we were destined for Great Things.

All teenagers write poetry. It's the rule. Mainly about how alone they are and how they "get" the world and how no one else does and no one understands them. And no one has ever ever been as in love as they have, not even Romeo and Juliet.

Rie that is truly a work of genius.

Boo I am sure the swimmers appreciatd the cartwheel. I have images of them being put through a teeny tiny assault course. COME ON! THROUGH THE TUNNEL, NOW. GET. OVER. THAT. WALL. Atta boy.

Boo try myfitnesspal.com to keep track of calories. Free online and you also download app to iPhone if you have one.

I started using it to remind me of all the shite I eat and just how much it adds up to!

Go chicksperm, Go chicksperm Aaaaaaaaand they're coming over the last jump now, it's neck and neck (do sperms have necks? )
When will you know the results?

Re the online fatchecker things- my friend uses 'fitness pal'which sounds the same, if not similar, but is free. I am about to look it up, (have been for weeks now ) Am getting a bit frustrated that all me running isn't doing much. Don't know exactly as haven't weighed myself since Easter Saturday (I have broken my scales) (no, not by standing on them) , but I haven't lost much noticably, and wearing leggins allt' time means you can't really notice a loosening of clothing. I have done 8km(5miles) 4 times a week for at least the last 2 months, you'd think that'd shift summat , but think I have been doing as dollargirl says, and treating myself with 48 a twix per km. doh.

aries that fete sounds like something off Hugh Twiddle Twiddly's perfect life in the South West, where everyone in the village gets together on a weekly basis and hand makes tomato ice cream and then barn dances in a real barn. Heavenly. This is exactly what is missing in the 'Pool. Although of course we do have nipple tassle vending machines on most corners, so it's not all bad. (this is True)

boo. Camera angle. That is all.