Come into the BESHt youth club in town, all you sad and bitter crones.

[Ariesgirl]

Enter the darkened youth club, where desperate 30-somethings who have been TTC since the eighties determinedly try to recapture their teenage years: their snogs with Darren from maths in the corner of the disco, the waft of Impulse, the slow dances at the end of the night, table tennis tournaments and the queue at the tuck shop for black jacks, Panda cola, fruit salads and Wham bars. Bop to Ride on Time, Love Shack and Vogue with Madonna and we'll see if all those sweaty hormones and pheromones can do the trick.

Ello. I'm alright Sunny don't worry

I had a KFC today in between fetching smallboo from nursery and going out again. I feel sick and greasy now.

Thanks for the vom fest hags, I feel most at home! Tonight I've managed to bring up gnocci in tomato & chilli sauce but keep down 2 profiteroles

Oooh BB hope thumb twiddling is keeping your mind occupied!! Will sacrifice a couple of chickens in your honour this week. Fingers, toes and all other crossable things crossed.

And owl, after thinking of something vaguely more dignified, I think we shall have to stick with MrCakes I likes it too much!

MrKipling :o

Last week I brought from the UK 16 mini-Bakewells and 16 mini-chocolate rolls. Guess how many we have left bearing in mind I returned late Thursday night.

pony If the answer is anything above 0 you are a stronger woman than I!

Morning BESHes (and all other ESHes!) -I've got the morning off to go to the clinic for a few results and to talk about the needle protocols. I'm hoping they're going to stick me on the 'short protocol' one, as apparently that's least likely to turn you into an insane raving lunatic

And MrCakes has his date with destiny -I think he's a bit worried as so far he's been able to do 'it' at home and bring to hospital (we live fairly close) but this time he has to do it in situ. It does mean I'll finally find out whether they do indeed provide 'gentlemen's literature' in those purpose built rooms...

Buahahahaaha MrKipling, aceness I do hope the gentlemen's literature is not pre-used and sticky. That would be horrible and v.v.offputting.

cakes&cava Don't you do The Sechs for fun? I was always led to believe that was the whole point of getting diffed - to have sex without the pressure? Doesn't the thought of nurses/uniforms/wanting him to JIAP do it for him? These men are fucking useless aren't they? 20 fucking years we have to listen to peurile jokes about nurses fnar fnar etc. Ask them to stand in front of a nurse and give a jizz sample and suddenly they're all Mother Therese with a cock. (And less dead obv.)

You are both right - there are NO cakes left. I had to join in the eating when I realised JB had eaten 8 (EIGHT) fucking mini-Bakewells without offering me one. It turned in to a bizarre sugar-filled diabetes-prodding survival of the fittest.

Good luck MrCakesandCava with your jizzing on demand. Poor boy

Alps did you have your BeshBash in the Marches in the end?

Aries No, it was a total fail. Because my parents live in the middle of fucking nowhere and ergo no mobile reception, it wasn't until I sat down in the restaurant I got text messages saying "can't come, baybee sick, don't hate meeeee" - naturally I'd just told my dad to pick me up in 3 hours envisaging cocktails. Fucking place didn't even sell gin. So, I ordered lunch, pottered around the shops and managed to meet up with my parents again despite a farce of multiple mobile phones and the numbers people had being left at home and when I finally managed to get through to a phone they were carrying - my dad deleted the number... The London meet fared no better - the FESHlets were dropping like flies and I was too tired to meet up. Total and utter fucking fail. As I said elsewhere, I was within spitting distance of boo but tbh, next time meets can happen at M4 service stations.

Good luck Mr Cakes - I felt sorry for Mr Beaver yesterday having to produce his sample to a specified time, but at least he could do it at home.

I think my hormones have made me extra horny but am feeling too tender to do anything about it. Maybe I'll be healed by the time I leave work?

Piss poor effort to those turning up to see you Pone (although I did fail to meet Rie when I was last down that way so I can't talk. To be fair I was either in the hot tub or in the double shower most of the time and I'm not sure rie is ready to take it to that level yet).

Oh alps :(:(:( What a fucking shame. You should have contacted MsFC and HB in That London - I'm sure they'd have been up for a total piss up nice cup of tea and a slice of cake.

I was too ready BB AND I would have joined you in the shower and hot tub.

Re: JIAP. What happens if your man gets stressed and can't produce? I can see us gloomily wanking away for hours and getting nowhere. Nearest hospital is 30 miles away - can you send it by courier?

I still feel they don't have much to whinge about, given what the female equivalent is. If men had to have dildocam and mental hormone drucks and self-injecting and all the other shizzle that women do, there would be no more baybees, I tell you.

Courier would only work if they kept JIAP at the required temperature, am I right? I'm sure I recall reading somewhere that one could place the JIAP in a warm crevice about one's person for transportation. This already sounds gross.

I have eaten too many ryvitas and they have swollen up in my stomach like a balloon. It is hideous. And also, it is not cake and therefore it is wrong.

Drive to the clinic with the JIAP clamped under your armpit. Or perhaps helpfully suggest places he might feel more at home JIAP'ing. E.g., changing room at Ann Summers, disabled loo tesco, behind a bush in a park. n.b., outside the primary school is never a good answer.

MrsFC was supposed to come I think but as it was I didn't reach that there London until 5 which was just time to feed the little one, put him in his jim-jams and pop him in to bed. Plus HB is norf of the river and everyfink innit wheras I was distinctly sarf.

Aries then a stern talking to is in order. Seriously, get some porn and get the job done, men! No, it's not going to be the best time of your life but what part of this IS?!? HTFU, that's what I say to all reluctant wankers

Oh, and if distance is a problem - hospital toilet is about the only answer.

Well I iz back from clinic and all was well. MrCakes successfully produced the goods (with help from neither myself nor gentlemen's literature, although I was offered the chance of 'helping', he was more comfortable on his own...)

Happily, but also annoyingly, his sample was great. Perfect result. This is somewhat surprising after a number of samples showing excessive amounts of feckless, lazy and two-headed spermz. Now we are finally going for it, it appears that he's fine, which made me briefly wonder if we should give it another six months, but to be honest I'd rather just go ahead with needles. We've been trying for so much longer than what is statistically 'normal', and do officially have a problem, perfect sample or not.

All my stuff was fine (very good ovarian reserve, hurrah), but I've been fine throughout so that was less surprising.

aries it can indeed be a problem with the poor menz being unable to produce at the crucial moment -which can be mildly annoying after three weeks of hormone injections (mildly!). This can be solved in two ways: 1) Bring in a sample a week in advance and have it frozen as a backup, or 2) Undergo surgical sperm retrieval on the day which basically involves sticking a needle in the testes and sucking the goods out.

MrCakes will be going for option 1)

Oooh cakes thoughts of a scrotal needle has given me a fit of the vapours!

I can just imagine the awkward conversation me and the FDH would have if I was 'helping' him!

Ski we get like that over treats in our house too, esp jaffa cakes.

I love KFC too, especially their interpretation of gravy

AlpineHorn actually the JIAP is uaually popped under my top for the frantic drive to the hospital, along with some positive type music playing along in the car.

Cake all sounds good on the test results. Are you going for IVF? Have you had a HSG at all?

I now have images of menz frantically wanking away for hours in the hospital loos screaming "just one more minute! Nearly there" while a queue of nurses and docors wait outside with scary teste probing needles and wank mags in hands. Poor men.

WHIT WOO!!

Not between the butt cheeks then? I am so disappointed

Nice work on the white goods, FondantFancyandLambrusco

Usually he's popped it under his armpit and gotten a taxi to the clinic (best not to tell taxi driver what he's carrying in those circumstances...)

BB yes we are set for IVF. I had my HSG last year, it was fine (but effing painful!). We've been having tests for just about a year now, gone through everything on the NHS and was finally referred for IVF last month.
We then decided to do the actual treatment privately, as the IVF waiting times in my area are around 18 months, and I've been crawling up the walls for years already.
The few tests we had today was for the private clinic, which they wanted in addition to all our NHS results. All is set now and I just have to call them up to start treatment when next droid arrives. We could do it now in April, but have decided to wait until May as we have less commitments and plans that month.

Almost burst out laughing at work over mental image of queue of men gloomily wanking away for hours

How old are you Cakes? How long is years? Whereabouts in the country are you?

aries I'll be 31 in two months. Which I know is young and we're very lucky in that regard.

Been trying for about two and a half years now I think? We went to the GP to start investigations last June, so the whole process from starting testing to being referred for IVF took about 10 months.

I'm in the Edinburgh area, which apparently has one of the worst waiting times for IVF in the UK. Officially it is 18 months, but actually it is more like two years. Hence up middle finger to NHS and going private. (Although I luffs the NHS really.)

Plz not to be too worried -remember that despite official BESHdom you're statistically unlikely to reach my advanced state of brokendom.

Gah. Have decided Facebook is of the devil. One couple just announced the birth of their baby today (they only got married in July last year for fucks sake!) and another one announces their pregnancy.

Jealous? Moi?

Hell yeah.