30s TTC - The BESH thread at the end of WOOniverse.

[PrincessBoo]

Donne thy robes and come join the hagges round a crackling fire made of ye olde pee sticks, as we run around nekkid, high on snorted baybeedust, and do our straynge erotick rituals on the altar of ye inconstant moon.

Come one, come all as we cast spelles and do any Magick we can finde on our queste for an elusive win.

Bring thy gynne for yon cauldron and help thyself to a laddle, as we prepare the incantationnes...

PS alcohol is allowed, nay encouraged. As is sugar and all things cake. Anyone mentioning the word babydust or hun will be dismembered and fed to the dogs. Just so's you know

'Ello Lara :)

I'm on my third iced bun of the morning so prob. not qualified to comment on low GI diet

I've got 3 left in the pack. For the love of god someone take them off me, I'm going to eat the fecking lot.

Shit, too late.

Fucksticks, there goes bun 5.

Oh well, only one left now, seems wrong to leave it.

Fuck a low GI diet. I am in Hong Kong for a week. Husband is working tonight. I have eaten dinner in the hotel bar whilst reading my book and drinking wine. I then proceeded to a dessert of banana split, 2 glasses of wine and now I am eating Ferrero Rocher.

Getting progressivley pissed off with not being pregnant... mainly cos my younger sister is on to her second wonderfully fucked-up child whilst I am watching her waggle her bump in a jealous-inducing-fashion.

I need more wine.

I need other people to talk to who don't think I am a selfish bint.

What questionnaire to I have to complete to qualify?

You must pass the test and find them

Have just bought and eaten a slice a coffee cake bigger than my head. Am now experiencing what I can only describe as cake sweats. Boots I am still very suspicious that you and I are in fact one and the same person!

Hello tombraider

PS btw, there are some gorgeous and admirable BESHes who have produced ye olde offsprynge already but for several reasons are finding producing number two a trial i.e. it's not turning up at all or the little buggers keep falling out. There are also some differs who have had wins already who we can't seem to shake off

If I can't drink gin in real life I am going to bloody well drink it here!

Sorry about the cake sweats, might want to get a new cauldron fine ye olde cauldronne!

Aha - I found it (I think). At least, I hope I found it or else I am just sending you over a pile of random questions and answers. Here goes.. Hope there aren't any hidden tricks...!

1. Do you like gin? (This is compulsory, you must say 'Yes')

Erm - as I have no choice, I will have to say yes. A big fat, gin-swilling YES!

2. Men - are you a gold digger or a cradle snatching cougar?

Do I have to be either? If so then gold is more interesting (although not yellow gold!). Gross 23 year old sitting opp me in the office right now so the thought of cradle snatching makes me want to puke

3. Baybee-making - to put a baybee in your tumtum, which hole do you use: a) weewee b) poopoo c) foofoo d) none, you just pray to the baby Jesus.

c) - unless I'm missing a trick?! Is there an easier way?!!!!!!!! Happy to seek Divine intervention...

4. Testing - when someone wonders if they should test for updiff (pg), do you: a) bellow 'POAS!' at them non-stop and punch them repeatedly in the kidneys till they wet themselves anyway. b) Sprinkle them with babydust and send them hugs and kisses on lickle baby angel wings.

Definitely a) - or I'll make them have a really, really watery drink beforehand so their pee is too dilute to get a reading

5. Is R2D2: a) an adorable robot from Star Wars. b) the source of all evil.

a) I hope (although I hate scifi)

6. what colour are your walls?

I'd say magnolia but the tin said champagne (although it's the most magnolia coloured champagne I've ever seen). Got white shutters too if that helps!

7. Number of pets?

Two dogs - if babymaking doesn't work I will have to breed them to create a house full of happy bouncing puppies that will kill the baby longings

8. Inappropriate (read: weird) crush of shame?

The man's voice on the old Jaguar ad (remember the slogan "it's gorgeous"). No idea what the hell he looked like....

9. Lesbian crush?

Queen Rania of Jordan - perfect in every way...

10. What are your views on camping?

Never, ever, ever... Would rather wash socks all weekend. If it isn't better than my standard of living at home, have a list of accolades and the maximum number of stars, I'm not interested... Why spend my hard-earned cash roughing it?! (But all respect to anyone out there that does - no offence meant, I'm just a loser!)

11. How much money have you spent on sticks you then urinate on?

i) Oh nothing, I'll probably catch first time and then get the doctor to confirm it.
ii) Over 100 quid
iii) I opened an account on ebay solely for the purpose of purchasing sticks

Sadly ii) but I need to concede that's not working!

Please don't tell me I've failed - if I have to pretend I like camping for the purposes of this I will!!

Oooh. Doris Hong Kong is ace. Dunno if you're in Kowloon but this restaurant was full of tasty things if you are.

Bites I haz ate all 6 buns. I disgust myself, truly.

Oi, where is my headlock?

Actually best not, I might sick on you.

Oooo my turn!!! (this had better be the right questionnaire!)

1. Do you like gin? (This is compulsory, you must say 'Yes')

Yes, yes and yes. Especially Bombay Sapphire.

2. Men - are you a gold digger or a cradle snatching cougar?

Well, I am not sure the age gap is big enough to make me a cougar, but my DH is 5 years younger than me.

3. Baybee-making - to put a baybee in your tumtum, which hole do you use: a) weewee b) poopoo c) foofoo d) none, you just pray to the baby Jesus.

c) ? I bloody hope so. Although if you were to ask my nuts name-it-and-claim-it-sister she would say d). Give me strength!

4. Testing - when someone wonders if they should test for updiff (pg), do you: a) bellow 'POAS!' at them non-stop and punch them repeatedly in the kidneys till they wet themselves anyway. b) Sprinkle them with babydust and send them hugs and kisses on lickle baby angel wings.

a) ? definitely, Or run the tap until they have to wee.

5. Is R2D2: a) an adorable robot from Star Wars. b) the source of all evil.

a) Although I think he is a bit sinister.

6. what colour are your walls?

Boring cream/beige ? rented house so technically I couldn?t care less what colour they are.

7. Number of pets?

One ? a darling cat called Delilah. Might need a few more if I don?t get pregnant soon.

8. Inappropriate (read: weird) crush of shame?

Alan Rickman. That voice!

9. Lesbian crush?

Dawn French.

10. What are your views on camping?

Bloody love it. Apart from cruising mumsnet I also like camping forums. Oh the shame of it!

11. How much money have you spent on sticks you then urinate on?

i) Oh nothing, I'll probably catch first time and then get the doctor to confirm it.
ii) Over 100 quid
iii) I opened an account on ebay solely for the purpose of purchasing sticks

ii) Although I haven?t told DH how much these things cost. Ignorance is better for him in this case I think!

Phew. It?s like therapy!

Ooooh newbies! How exciting. Hello Lara & Doris

Owl nice going on the iced buns. I've not had any cake today & now I want some. a big fat muffin would go down a treat with a cup of tea.

Well done troops I shall turn a blind eye to the camping.

You should know, however, that the answer to question 3 is now apparently (b) - see Alp 's instructions on previous page - and R2D2 is in fact evil as he is a strange corruption of RTD (red tide of doom) hence you may see the delicately named 'Aunt Flo' from other threads referred to as 'that fucking metal beeping bastard' instead.

You may also see the term 2WOOFLing. This stands for 2 weeks of obsessive fucking lunacy, i.e. the time after the shaggage has occurred before the peestickfest begins.

All of which makes perfect sense. Er....possibly.

I could regurgitate a bun for you, Sunny if that would help?

I'll pass thanks Wol but thanks for the thought.

I never really knew what WOOFling stood for .

Droid arrived this morning but as I knew I had 0% chance this month I'm not arsed (fucking great fat lie I secretly hoped that I would win a baybee by a miracle swimmer)

I have moved desks at work - this is good as less people can see my screen = more MNing!!

Well you two, having perused your answers at length and discussed them with the exam board I am happy to tell you you have passed, though both your answers to 5) and definitely Doris's answer to 10) could do with Some Work. You may require a viva.

Oh and has anyone mentioned the rampant lesbianism and violence yet? No?

SunnyD you are creeping ahead of me. There was a time when we were cycle buddies

Rie I am a strict 26 day kind of girl

I can't find any cake so have substituted with Bacon Wheat Crunchies.

Sunny :(

Love the strategic desk move. I too confess that I had never really worked out the WOOFL thing

owlie I take your buns and I raise them 2 cinema-sized bags of crisps and some fried doughnut-type things.

Hello new-Besh! Alan Rickman, yes!!

bitey you makes me larf but coffee cake makes me barf.

coffee cake makes me barf too milano who knew?

Dor does delilah respond to the music of Tom Jones? I have a cat called Isambard. My husband known as the foot draging one for reasons that I'm sure will be self evident wanted to call his first born son Isambard and I am less than keen. As the cat was claimed as mine from less than three hours old he was known as Isambard by his birth family and there was no debate by the time he came to live with us. As we can't possibly call our child after the cat I have deflected that little problem nicely I think*!

laramies what kind of dogs? With you on the Queen, she's ace!

• a skill learned in the eleven years it took him to marry me.

Hello slhags, it appears that by some oversight I hath forgotten to wryte anythyng for most of the week. I have no excuse, other than I have been eating cake for days now, in order to boost my cleavage for doritos arrival,who,as Dawn French fan will be easy for me to get into bed feel more welcome if we are bosomly. Welcome also to bonanza, about time we had a touch of glamour in the palace You had me at bitter. (Good work timesnewroman, now off you go and fetch us a nice <a class="break-all" href="//[http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=backseatcuddler.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/e10975f8-701066.jpg&imgrefurl=backseatcuddler.com/2008/01/15/matthew-mcconaughey-is-pregnant/&usg=___KCdH7S5erU6BavfEOaaHMpf4c8=&h=487&w=350&sz=47&hl=en&start=46&zoom=1&tbnid=BpAKiLfeWKbiYM:&tbnh=111&tbnw=81&ei=QT5VTd-4NoOK4AatyaW6Bw&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dmatthew%2Bmcconaughey%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26rlz%3D1T4SKPB_enGB353GB353%26biw%3D1020%26bih%3D515%26tbs%3Disch:1&um=1&itbs=1&iact=rc&dur=301&oei=tz1VTdnFGI2xhQe60cDLDA&page=3&ndsp=24&ved=1t:429,r:12,s:46&tx=50&ty=57" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">one of these to play with)

The cat doesn't exactly respond to the music of Saint Tom Jones,although the Mister has been known to sing 'Why, why, why Delilah?' when she has puked on the floor again.

In defence of my answer to Q10 - camping does tend to involve a festival or time with friends and VAST amounts of gin/organic beer/wine and cake. I think that indeed mitigates the sleeping on the floor business. Oh, not to mention our tent tends to look something like a bedouin home. I have blankets and luxuries you know. I am not... a common camper!

The lesbianism hasn't yet been mentioned.. although before the DH I did tend to get propositioned more often by women than men. Make of that what you will.

Moley I read that as you were stuffing doritos into your cleavage. Top idea, I thought - makes them easier to eat secretly.

Bitey Isambard is a top name for Brunel reasons (I am Bristolian & he is King there) but I think the fact it rhymes with Jism probably means it is a Bad Idea. Kids can be awfully cruel. Our cat is officially called Bastard after epic barfing session this morning all over the house.

Which reminds me; I am disappointed that you have barfed up perfectly good coffee cake. You are letting the side down.

Milano I luff the crisps. The bigger the bag the better.

Doris am with you on the Luxury Tent caveat. I have proper camping stove and blow up double mattress and everything. And I take my duvet.

I have used the phrase 'top' twice in two sentences. Fuckit, my residual Mancunian is trying to get out.

This is the bestest way to waste a Friday afternoon at work.. Just had a huge bowl of noodles at Dim T. To compensate, I have a vile strawberry and yogurt bar for pud. This weekend will be chocolate and cake-filled.

Dogs are Chinese Shar Pei - exceptionally wrinkley and very smelly.

Hello Noobs Doris and Lara (I used to have a mate called Lara - she had a horse called Oscar - s'not you is it?). Alan Rickman is nought to be ashamed of.

Am of Auntie's glamping - I had a second hand big tent for my birthday last year as I love camping and MrB needed persuasion and is much happier now he has a tent he can actually stand up in, but I'd love one of <a class="break-all" href="http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=www.belltent.co.uk/images/belltent/bell_tents/4m_bell_tent_05.jpg&imgrefurl=www.belltent.co.uk/index.php%3Fmain_page%3Dpage%26id%3D4&usg=__8RbOBAIUqBEDGp2M6_PwljsHC7A=&h=266&w=400&sz=38&hl=en&start=0&sig2=BgzNEJc9EaZ11J677bDBjg&zoom=1&tbnid=QFFqYBIN6XLQTM:&tbnh=141&tbnw=200&ei=GEZVTZuUI4-DhQeL9djZDA&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dbell%2Btent%26hl%3Den%26client%3Dfirefox-a%26hs%3Dy2Z%26sa%3DX%26rls%3Dorg.mozilla:en-GB:official%26biw%3D1280%26bih%3D619%26tbs%3Disch:1%26prmd%3Divns&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=972&vpy=130&dur=607&hovh=164&hovw=246&tx=151&ty=91&oei=GEZVTZuUI4-DhQeL9djZDA&page=1&ndsp=17&ved=1t:429,r:4,s:0" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">these.

Moley I have been weeping for my lost glamour. Today I took smallchild swimming and nearly wept because I am still so tired. Luckily lilacs was there to give me a break for 5 minutes. Nostrils are nearly back to normal (found the vaseline but I think the bumcream did a fab job) and I have redeemed my pale skin with the help of Clarins, but I know I look like utter shite. Am a bit mizz today because Dreadzone are playing tonight locally and everyone I know is going except me. I could prob scrape the cash together but I know I'm too poorly to enjoy it properly anyway. Bah and bah again.