Charter's Anonymous: Volume 3, here's to better luck this time for us all!

[spilttheteaagain]

A shiny new thread girls and hopefully we shall all get merrily up-duffed with sticky beans

Thanks mouse that sounds manageable. I always find it less scary to know these sorts of details in advance so I know what to expect.

I'm ok I think. I'm such a completely weird mix of feelings right now (to be expected I'm sure) but it's grief and excitement, pain and hope. I can be bouncing around and getting all excited about being pregnant again or I can be aching and crying and missing my little girl. I'm finding the whole timing quite hard too. I'm keeping track of where I "should" be still, so in my mind I am 29+3 and 4+1 at the same time. I know that there is no world in which I could have both of my children and so I feel guilty for being happy about this new one who wouldn't exist if Bobbie had made it. And I so desperately wish she had, but I don't want to wish away this baby either. Argh, it is very confusing.

I had a Christmas card from my grandma today that wished us a happy Christmas and said "we hope you get your heart's desire in 2011". I know what she means of course and I was touched that she'd thought to write something relevant to what's happened, but again I just cried because I can't have, will never have my heart's desire. Yes I will have other children (I hope!) but I'm still grieving so much for the daughter I have just lost. No other baby will replace her.

Also very tired and as recorded earlier, an emotional loon

mouse I'm pleased the sonographer sounded positive and will be keeping my fx for the next two weeks - good luck with telling dh and try to relax a bit!

Big ((((hugs)))) to spilt - I'm not sure after mc you can ever feel quite the same about pg, but please don't give yourself a hard time. You're not replacing Bobbie; she's still your daughter and you don't love or miss her any the less for having more children. This new baby will be a unique product of your entire family circumstances at this time, including that you have had and have lost Bobbie; as you say, without that loss this baby couldn't have come into being so in a way it's like a lovely tribute to her iykwim. I hope that makes sense and doesnt sound insensitive, I know your feelings must be all over the place and I can't imagine what you're going through...I just mean that it's in no way disrespectful or dismissive of Bobbie for you to have and to love this baby x

Thank you Izzy that was a lovely message. A tribute to her, I like that way of looking at it.

mouse there is a sack and a yolk sac at 4 weeks po thats half the way there fab news lovely :)

spilt i am with you re the tears... i cried at XF last night! (the bit where harrys mum was telling harry she would always love him!!) Bonkers!

Spilt, you can never replace the baby you lost, none of us can. It will get easier with time. x Having a baby in your arms in 8 months eventually may go some way to easing that pain. You havent had much time to grieve lovely

Glad to hear all ok so far, Mouse - have everything crossed for 23rd for you. And Good luck telling DH.

Spilt and Nix I am also ridiculously over emotional. Sobbed and sobbed at Elf last night. And Spilt you are bound to have mixed feelings, lovey. My Mum lost a full term baby to rhesus incompatiblity and then had my brother less than a year later - she would never have had my brother without losing the first. But she loves them both.

MiniG poorly today so am at home with him. High temp, no appetite. Being cuddled on me all day, keeps saying "I love you, Mummy". Keeps setting me off.

Sorry for not name checking everyone else - hope everyone is well but am bilious and exhausted. Surviving on buffet food and branflakes.

Ah lady G, sorry minig is poorly. We have had chicken pox for the last week and a half. First day back at nursery today and mininix HOWLED, he wasnt upset, he was properly distressed. I collected him at 3 and he just said to me... "i was sad mummy, but im happy now" and clung to me :) YES overemotional at everything. Being pg again is wonderful but it doesnt take away the sadness of waht you have lost, it seems to heighten it somewhat. But GG you are absolutely right, had your mum not lost her first baby, she would never have had your brother. Thats the way i am going to try and look at it, assuming it sticks!

Going to bed now, totally stressy work day and i am exhausted. I hope mininix decides he likes his bed tonight. Keeps coming in our room in the night saying " i just dont like my bed mummy i like your bed" love it!!

Hi ladies, thanks for the positive vibes.

So, have finally told DH! Remember that episode of friends when rachael tells Ross she's pg? DH did the exact same thing, sitting in silence for about 5 mins! He's thrilled - hooray!

Sorry your LO is poory ladyg hope he's on the mend soon. My DS is doped up on calpol too. I hate high temperatures, it makes me so nervous.

izzy I love your message for spilt. It's so true that where we find ourselves today is just part of the bigger journey. The children we've lost will always be part of our lives.

Right, off to think positive thoughts. xxx

Bugger! Didn't mean to miss you nix hope you get plenty of sleep tonight! Think it's nearly bedtime here too xx

Hi ladies I wonder if you would forgive me for a self indulgent mope.

CD14 still no positive OPK, cervix is stubbornly low and firm, and I?m really really struggling with the SWI! Poor DH doesn?t know if he?s coming or going

Trying to do the ?every other night? strategy, but I am knackered and I don?t know if I can keep going Was so tired last night. We went to bed at 10 but I just could not get in the mood at all. DH was ok, it was me. Ended up getting there but it just felt so mechanical, and it was not enjoyable at all. DH and I had a little cuddle and I ended up sobbing Why can I just not feel like it, when it?s the ?right time?? (I don?t seem to have a problem at other points in my cycle when the pressure?s off IYSWIM).

Ended up having a totally rubbish night?s sleep as a result. Awake till 3:30am then up again at 6:30 for work. So of course temps are up the spout today. Feel really defeated, tired, and demoralised today. Do you think we should just have a break, at least until I get a positive OPK, or should we just try and carry on with the every other day strategy? I don?t know what to do anymore. Just feels like a horrible gambling game, like if we stop we might miss our chance, but if we carry on, well? I just don?t know if I can.

Somebody come and give me a slap! I don?t know what?s the matter with me

Getdown I would give you a slap, except you don't deserve one! Totally understand where you are coming from. I am on cd22 and still no +opk, although EWCM is now a bit too plentiful ! so I'm hoping for a temp rise soon. My temps dropped this morning, hoping that's a sign ov is imminent.

What I've found is that since TTC, my cycles are started to become very long, almost as iif my body is reluctant to ov. Even if I ov today, I'm likely to have a 32-34 day cycle.
It is so very hard to keep SWI on demand. Like you, we are SWI every other night as we did the every night last cycle and just could not manage it again - it became mechanical and depressing. Like you, outside my fertile window, I find myself in the mood easily.

my chart here

It sounds like you are tired and a bit down waiting for ov. But it also sounds like you have a supportive DH and if you are SWI every other night, then tonight get to bed early - have a nice no-pressure cuddle and kiss and reconnect and keep trying just for a bit longer.

You are not alone - I feel the same - up until this morning, EWCM was limited so things can change in the course of a day. Is there any chance of a nap today to make you feel better?

Sorry for not name checking all - hello to all and mouse I am so pleased it sounds like you are on a positive road - your DH sounds like a star!
Everyone keep fingers crossed for all of us still TTC and for those pg, hoping your symptoms are coming hard and fast.

[fbear] for you all!

GetDown you don't need forgiving for a self indulgent mope at all. TTC is a hard and emotionally draining process. It is upsetting to feel like you are forcing yourself to have sex when you don't feel like it. I remember lots of nights like that in April and May. DH found it hard too. It was something on the day's "To Do" list, not something that we spontaneously felt like.

I don't really know what to suggest, but just wanted to say it's ok to feel how you do and very understandable.

Morning all.

GetDown no need to apologise, we have all done it and I think its part and parcel of this stressful / enjoyable / consuming process. As MrsA said, maybe try and make tonight specifically about not SWI-ing and focus on everything else - kisses, cuddles and being together. I hope you get that spike soon!

You too MrsA I hope you are OV-ing today. I think a 32-34 day cycle is not too long so don't be too disheartened, hopefully it will mean a nice sticky LP for you!

mouse so pleased your DH was happy and shocked - just the right reaction! Love the positive attitude!

LadyG hope MiniG gets better soon. Am I the only bad mother who sometimes, a little bit, enjoys when DS is ill (not really ill, just under the weather) as he is super cuddly and will snuggle rather than trying to get away from me so he can play?!?!

Nix hope you got a good nights sleep! Or that you are still in bed now.

spilt this new bump will never replace Bobbie and although it wouldn't exist if it weren't for what happened to Bobbie, I think it makes Bobbie more amazing - for existing in her own right but also for making your new bump possible, and your new bump amazing for just being IYSWIM? Although you didn't get to enjoy Bobbies life, outside of you, she was still your baby and you will have the honour of being a mother to two beautiful babies. Hope that makes sense!

I had sore breasts this morning - woo hoo, but gone now . Remind me of this no symptom complaining if I am back (hopefully) in a few weeks complaining about having symptoms!!

Have a good day all.

PS - I like this thread better than the AN one. Is it just me ?!?!

Nah terrys not just you!

Though I remember finding it hard to get into my March AN thread too but persevered and met some lovely people. It is a bit odd at the start, no one knows anyone. Bit like the first days at uni!

This is my favouritist thread of all (and I'm on a few!), I feel at home here, I know you all, and you all know my history and you've all been so lovely and kind and such good handholders
... and we talk about so much MORE than just pant snot and temps

Incidentally though, I have a lot of pant snot. It was like this last time, loads of creamy CM and I have to knicker check at least once an hour because I feel wet and keep fretting that I have started bleeding . All is well in that department though, temps still high. My first morning of NOT POAS today

spilt are you still temping?!!? Naughty naughty - I'm sure you were one of the ones who told LadyG off for that?!!? I haven't temped since the weekend !

I probably was wasn't I? Initially I kept going as I temped to 13dpo last time (the day I got my BFP) and I got my BFP on 11dpo this time and wanted to compare the two charts. And I haven't stopped yet... it's interesting!

My MIL apparently temped for the whole 9 months with both her children.

My word you are a busy bunch, so hard to keep up :).
Hi battery & split I havnt got any other charts as I was rubbish at recording anything the past 4 months. I did notice a little bit of ewcm on cycles 1-3 but nothing on #4 and noticed cervix changed from low closed and hard to medium open and soft in all cycles. Today it's a lot softer than yesterday and quite open, fingers crossed its a good sign but still -ve opk.

getdown I know what you mean about Struggling with SWI. We havnt been ttc long - now on cycle 5 but on cycle #2 and #3 the fact that we were doing it because we needed to really hit us. I cried when I didn't want to do it but did do it and cried when we didn't do it but should have done. DP feels the pressure too as we aren't the ones who dtd loads. I always feel better after a rant and a cuddle with DP. Hope you feel better about it soon.

I hope you are all ok today. Hope all you pg ladies are feeling suitably sick and have sore boobs. And all you ttcers are making eggys . I have been reading all your stories and posts and you have made me laugh and cry!

I'm at work so can't read all the mad rambling of you lot but just scanned down to check on mouse - good news lovie.

Still very early so what they saw sounds fine. Good luck for next scan. bye for now. Thinking of you all. XX

thanks all, you are so kind It's lovely to be able to talk to people on here that really know what it's like.

It's not something you can easily drop into conversation with your RL friends is it??!!

Just had my work christmas lunch, Had to sneak out half way through to do my OPK. Despite saving up my 4 hour pee it's a definite negative.

So looks like our SWI effort last night may not have counted for much anyhow...

MrsA thanks for your kind words. Glad to hear you have plentiful EWCM you go girl!! Hope that ov is imminent, sounds like it. I don't know how you managed every night, even every other night is proving a struggle for us at the moment. Hope this is your month.

spilt thanks for understanding. that your MIL temped for the whole 9 months with her pregnancies!! WHY??!

terrys will do re the special cuddles. Just being together and enjoying each other's company must be the way to go. Don't worry about your symptoms coming and going I think that is very normal in early pregnancy. The hormones fluctuate a bit I think, and sometimes you just don't notice the symptoms. Well done for not temping! Are you still POAS??

Iwish you have summed up how I feel - crying when you do it and you don't want to, and crying when you don't do it and think you ought to. It's such a funny set of emotions. I really WANT to WANT to do it, IYSWIM. My mind wants to do it, but my body just is not playing! But for me it becomes a bit of an academic thing - SWI would be good on my chart today, rather than, let's have a lovely intimate evening with DH. And I know that is wrong. But I guess this is the level of obsessiveness I have reached.

Waves to hippychick how are you love>?

Anyway, will stop rambling now. Need to digest my work Christmas lunch

GetDown not POAS since yesterday - what ultimate willpower I have!!

But speaking of POAS ladies - as I am technically 4+3 today and its been 17 days since OV, do you think that if I do a clearblue test tomorrow it would say "pregnant 2-3 weeks"? The last time I did one was on Thursday and it said "1-2 weeks". I really just want to see some change in something!!

step away from the clearblue digi's Terrys!!! This is the path to hair pulling despair!

They are quite notoriously unreliable, and if you still get the dreaded 1-2 weeks pop up, it will cause untold worry, probably for nothing

You are pregnant, you are pregnant, you are pregnant

Haha yeh I am starting to get excited about putting SWI on my chart! I was quite happy with myself this morn when I put last nights SWI on my chart with my temp! What strange people we are. I just keep telling myself that yes we are doing it because we have to today but when I do fall pg we will just do it if and when we want to - makes me feel better knowing we are doing it to start our own little family (....drifts off into a little baby's first Christmas dream world)

Well my ttc buddy has just proudly shown her 12 week scan . We started ttc together and she get pg in month 2. Love her but I'm sooo jealous I just want to cry. (or leap inside my own flipping body, sperm in hand and shove it into my flipping egg myself!)

Hi terrys I can't believe you are still POAS. I remember way up the thread there when you got your first +ve. :)

Hello all - I have not got the stregnth to name check - I am in shock at the £325 vet bill I have just been handed. Now I need to go and lie down in a dark room.

Hey everyone. Wow you have been so talkative! Only time for a quick post at the moment, just wanted to say I'm glad that your scan went well mouse and fingers crossed for the next one. X

battery!

I hope she feels better after that sort of 5 star care!!