Avast Behind! Full of salty seamen and buxom lasses, the Gin Palais is heading off in search of Pirate Booty! For those brave BESHly wenches in their 30’s, TTC since the Black Death.

[BarbiesBeaver]

Ahoy Gin Hags, behold the Hendrick?s Palais, the finest sea goin? vessel that ever left these God forsaken shores. Packed with comely wenches and salty seamen, I be lookin? for a BESHly crew to travel the seas in search of booty. Land lubbers lackin? a twisted disposition need not apply.

Let me shiver yer minges with tales of the fearsome Droid Monster, who raises his bloody head each month, and the dreaded 2WOOFL, where the vaguest signs can be espied from the top o? the Crow?s Nest.

Get ye to the Brig, yer scurvy dogs, where Roger the Cabin Boy will see to yer needs, or apply the Cat O? Nine tails to yer britches if ye should mutter the oaths of Babydust.

Drink up me hearties, yo ho(es).

Ah, Constirrhoea: how well I know it . Had amoebic dysentery some years back. Digestive system screwed, my friends: SCREWED.

However, given that amoebiasis is not common the K that is U, I reckon that's a symptom salts .

Now, since the OM and I have just compared work calendars and established that we'll not actually be within 3 miles of each other for the next 48 hours (3-bars on the CBFM, fertilest sessy timez etc. etc.) this month is pretty much a write-off chez Banger. I will therefore need to 2WOOFL vicariously, like a benevolent sort of Munchausen's by Proxy

That Cher. Bless her little hoochy, coochy swaggery harem pants.

I Love Her. I want her to be good so badly, and I felt sorry for her tonsillitis ridden self.

I may be a bad choice for vicarious 2WOOLing HeadGirl as I did not do the SECS until about 48 hours after my supposed ovulation. Therefore unless eggs have developed some sort og scuba diving gear, unlikely win. Although I don't actually know when I laid an egg so....pshaw....

Woop woop for the only 20 pages. You rock, HB

Fred is nearly. Any suggestions laydeeeeez?

A squits theme. Lovely. Anyone ever woken up in the night with agonising droid style cramps, staggered to the loo, sat there groaning, and all you produce is one small, normally textured poo and then your agonising stomach cramps disappear and you can get back to sleep again? Anyone? Anyone?

Any wind salts? Are you farting like a trooper? I am disturbingly blase about gut related ishoos, seeing as my mother had IBS and an...ahem....slightly unco-operative backside due to an over enthusiastic episiostomy (or however the feck you spell it) when giving birth to, yes you've guessed it, me. Poo and the proximity of loos were a big thing in our house when growing up. Such fun! It's one reason for my keenness an elective CS if possible .

Why have I never been able to get enthusiastic about the X factor and prefer Strictly? Am I some kind of square?

You cannot put me off my interests with your talk of common sense, Salts. I shall pester you nonetheless. Pliz to oblige by telling me how many DPO you are?

Oh she's adorable. Just so AWFUL in some ways - my God those eyebrows! That make up! - but I love her for reasons I cannot fully articulate. How can someone so shy and so naff be also so, ahem, 'street'? 'Tis a mystery...

I'd like a Dickens thread, as mooted in days of yore. Compleat with wombs draped in cobwebs a la Miss Havisham, and stone jars of porter for when the going gets tough. However I'm happy with anything me, I'm ever so 'umble etc. etc.

You cannot be squarer than me, Aries. 'Tis a geometrical impossibility. Flies in the face of all Euclid held dear .

My mother (and therefore the rest of us) was a martyr to her bowels until she had her grapes of wrath finally sorted a few years back. I feel your pain, Aries

HB, glad you're zipping through the pages apace but not glad about the lack of seckshooul timing for you this cycle And do not talk to me of the PoundLand Keira Knightley known as Cher. Gamu wuz robbed! ROBBED, I tells ye!

(Cher is v appealing, though I too cannot understand why. But she's not as good as Gamu. Still, G is clearly going to win in the comp anyway, with all this talk of 'surprise wildcards').

More X factor, erm, facts: all of Twitter is called One Direction 'Wand Erection' and I am going to Fritzl away young Aiden and keep him in the utility cupboard.

I have a Master's Degree! God help me!

Evening hags, well I asked for it really. I feel sick :( I would eat my words but I am afraid they might not stay down.

That Cher deserves a smack as does Cheryl for picking her, sorry don't understand the appeal. Or the make up. So there.

Withnail is the single best name for a cat ever Lady although Uncle Monty would be quite good too. I think we may have turned our Sneak gay by forcing him to wear fluorescent pink leopard print collars in the early years. He started grooming a young ginger tom shortly afterward, we would always find them sleeping together (in our house) and then they took to chasing each other up trees and batting at each other in the campest felinerotic manner possible. Not that I have anything against that of course.

HB skills on the editing marathon, the end is in sight!

I'm loving the gay cats imagery Rocket.

God, Lucas in Spooks is SO FIT! See the way he kicked the door open?

Cat update: Couldn't find the ruddy photo anywhere so, just for you lot, I've recreated it with some crude photoshopping and uploaded it. Enjoy

Ps. Withnail is ace cat name; I applaud it.

brilliantshoes If you don;t make that into this years xmas card you are a fool :o

AH that is LUFFLY in a grimly vulgar way Owlsandals!

I've never seen Spooks. Is this a problem?

I must stress that I adore cats - they are my second favourite animals after penguins - but that is fucking funny. The reason why they are so funny dressed up is because they are utterly humourless and yet dignified. I must go and kiss my cat this minute! I shower her with love and she doesn't seem to appreciate it

Well, it may be a problem in that you are missing out on the divine Lucas. MI5 not 9 to 5.

Seriously they are in LOVE hb Ginger will wait for Sneak at the front door. Then when we let him out they positively gambol down the front path, then ginge will throw himself on his back in that submissive thing cats do. Bless.

Another amusing thing Sneak does is that when he pees in the street he does it over the storm drain, how fastidious.

HB without wanting to sound gross (too late I fear) , could you get him to knock one out and leave it in the airing cupboard for when you get home?

No?

Probably best not, eh.

Fridge surely?

The other cat is named after Madeleine Albright.

Liking your work Owlie - you'd never know it was photoshopped.

Cockweasels, that's where I'm going wrong then Ariel ...

That is ace 2whit2woo, thank you for spending your evening so productively.

Rie, my heart shall always belong to Strictly, but I fear they have cocked it right up this year with a bumch of no-hopers, except Matt Holy Moly Guacamole Baker - swooneroonie.

That Cher:

1. Must have had a very poor diet growing up, her teeth are appalling.
2. Does she ever wash, or just cake another six inches of slap over yesterday's efforts? She looks dirty, in every sense of the word.
3. She is so pitifully thin, I could snap her like a dry twig. She is so pathetic that I would like to.
4. Her name is two-thirds of Cheryl; she appears to be two-thirds Cheryl, one third wonky - possibly a genetics experiment gone wrong?

Cheryl's love child by Wurzel Gummage maybe?

Dad with bowel cancer + husband with IBS = never a day goes by in our family without a chat about poo and its consistency

Bowel cancer is big in the news at the moment isn't it?

Hello my BESHley ones, hope everyone has enjoyed getting Monday over and done with. I feel pleased to have made it to work and back in spite of the strike on the tube even though it involved lots of walking and a squished train ride this morning!

So I've very much enjoyed the cat picture Hootenanna and the child as cat picture GaggingOrder tres amusant. I've never had a pet or a child so haven't any amusing photos to share. We did dress my nephew up as a pumpkin when he was only 3 weeks old (cute) and a Christmas pudding when he was 9 weeks (cuter still) so might try to get my hands on those photes.

I'm charting temps this month but it's not going brilliantly. I seem to have lots of fluctuation, but am hoping it will settle down when I get used to it. Have tried to monitor CM but not getting far, I'm bloody useless! If FF is to be believed next weekend should be fertile times and we have NOTHING planned so should be able to do lots of shagging. That's the plan and will hopefully be enough to fuel my menkul for this month....

I think I'm definitely full of hormones. Having just overheated watching Lucas, now I am quite overcome (again) by Rhod Gilbert. Funny and sexy!

Right must go to bed.