30s TTC: For BESHes who have been trying to conceive since the Higgs Boson was last seen

[ChoChoSan]

Come and learn the Tao of BESH, a path to wisdom and emancipation that can be gained only by careful practice and meditation on the central tenets leading the way from the barren to the Updiffed. The Tao consists of:

4 Noble Truths: 1) The life of an emancipated women inevitably leads to barrenness and babyfails. 2) Barrenness is caused by women?s FAILURE to procreate before they reach their thirties as a result of selfishness and evilness, and general hag-ishness.3) Barrenness ends when BESHness ends. This is achieved by eliminating The DROID, thereby reaching a liberated state of UPDIFFMENT. 4) Reaching this liberated state is achieved by following the path laid out in the Tao of BESH.

5 Pillars of BESHdom; YOU MUST: 1) Undertake Regular Visits to FC ? Always observing the ritual traditions of Getting Your Rat Out and Partaking of the Dildocam 2) Undergo the Purification Rite to evict the cobwebs, rusty bicycles and old prams from your ancient uterus 3) Realise that Camping will most assuredly lead to a swift and lasting visit from R2D2 4) Observe the solemn monthly rituals of ?the prodding of the buzwams? and ?insertion of cigar? 5) Recognise the terrible power of such artefacts as the CBFM, and despair!

Eightfold Path of Diffment;

1. Intercourse must always be a union of Winky and foofoo (No Hankyhole)

1. Defeat the negative karma of ?spitting a lot up the fanny? by pushing egg white up there after it

1. Appease the gods of fertility by rubbing your ovaries whiddershins

1. Pray to Jebus to put baybee in your tumtum

1. Have your uterus sprayed with Teflon, and apply gaffer tape to the lady garden to stop BOC falling out and making angelbaybees

1. Recognise that likelihood of diffment is in direct proportion to the number of poas you use, and the earliness at which you use them.

1. Confirmation of a WIN can only take place after you have undertaken your First BESHly Baptism, and assembled in a place of drinking with other followers of the Tao.

1. The state of diffment is confirmed when the second red line has been drawn on the poas, and the poas set on fire to release a pall of white smoke.

The BESHly acolytes are now called upon to provide suggestions for the Ten Commandments of BESH...JOIN US!!

Salty. We managed lots of midweek secks, but only by sacrificing quality for quantity. Sad but true.

Aries yes, and what's worse is that my inapproprite crush took wings and gave flight when I watched him in the History Boys. Where he's playing a bloody teenager.

I am all kinds of wrong.

Just me then? YEAH WHATEVER

Oh bollocks Salts, sorry about the negatory. Sounds like your normal pre-droid symptoms aren't here yet so still a chance hopefully.

I don't think there is any chance.

I think my reproductive system is just having an amusing joke at my expense.

Oh Rierie come now, lay here against my heaving busom.

I don't know the answer, tis all.

Ok. I am going to have a glass of wine, and I'm going to stop being such a miserable caahhhh.

Rie I'm up for a frank discussion. Mr S and i used to have sex all the time when we forst got together. In a variety of places, including some, erm, external to the house.

Now, we do it at the weekend. The babymaking only adds a further complicating factor.

Salty, you're allowed to feel miserable, you've had a shitty few months.

You are also most certainly allowed wine. But when you come back with it, will you help me grope Aries for a bit?

Whilst trying to remain under the "Smug" radar, I am just pleased that OH wouldn't dare moan about SWIing. Yes it is boring, functional, painful and generally unpleasent, but we do at least have the "luxury" of a clear separation btw SWIing and shagging.

I try to rationalise it. Kinda like you would eat chocolate for pleasure, and swallow/gag on Pre-conception vitamins to ensure you have a babywin.

Did someone say wine ?

'wouldn't dare moan'? Pliz to expand

Cassowary I will help you grope Rie but only because I've been dying to aa a favour.

Are you two trying to get me pissed?

In Other News, my mother is coming to stay. Yes, such fun! From tomorrow to Monday. So I may be quiet and under the radar for a while - it isn't because I'm having another sulk. She can't know that I'm on MN - she wouldn't understand my fervour: "But Mother, these women are my best friends in the world!" She'd think I was being sucked into a cult, especially if she saw the Taoist allusions. She is of the "relax and it'll happen" school of thought and had had four pregnancies by the time she was 30. But those were the 70s for you.

ooh....do you think we could get away with being a cult? You can probably get some sort of grant so we can all buy ebaybees.

ohh yes and if BESH was a religion couldn't we also avoid paying tax? Or something? Sisters of BESHdom. Do we get to wear wimples?

btw Truffkin, shouldnt that be "thou SHALT covert thy neighbours baybee"? Or Thou shalt covert thy neighbours baybee, steal it and make it thine own?

Salty moo here is the one who's stupid foofoo is allergic to white goods so if I am prepared to XXX...you get my drift. Unfortunatly not much help to other wanton fertile BESHies.

PS soz for long post but the song is whizzing round my head...

You used to get it in your fishnets
Now you only get it in your night dress
Discarded all the naughty nights for niceness
Landed in a very common crisis
Everything's in order in a black hole
Nothing seems as pretty as the past though
That Bloody Mary's lacking a Tabasco
Remember when he used to be a rascal?

Oh that boy's a slag
The best you ever had
The best you ever had
Is just a memory and those dreams
Not as daft as they seem
Not as daft as they seem
My love when you dream them up...

Flicking through a little book of sex tips
Remember when the boys were all electric?
Now when she tells she's gonna get it
I'm guessing that she'd rather just forget i
Clinging to not getting sentimental
Said she wasn't going but she went still
Likes her gentlemen to not be gentle
Was it a Mecca Dobber or a betting pencil?

Oh lawks-a-mussy, there I've been quietly having a psychotic episode on another thread and it's all go in here...

So sorry about the negatory Salts . I really am. This whole thing is, as the OM observed in tears last month the soppy sod, a business of being repeatedly put through the wringer, and no fun .

As to Teh Secks - I am amazed by our ability to do it lots and lots because after the first few years (don't forget we've been together since the OM rescued me from a Parisian tumbril in 1792) it all went to buggery (not as often as I'd like, HAR HAR), and I can't believe how much I'm getting now. But it is perfunctory, and the only way we deal with it is by being funny, and generally a bit of a laugh, and in my case indulging in idle imaginary romances with older men . Apart from when I shout at the OM for not rogering me in any of the positions most likely to give me Full Satisfaction

I love D Cooper, but in a way that makes me feel dirty.

Not as dirty as it makes me feel loving this fella though... (NSFW).

PHA-WOARGH!!

Just imagine the sperm count on him!! Oh is that weird?

ARGGGGGGH ladies please I need major HTFU slap NOW. (Other phyical rempremands are available)

FB chatter, 3 collegues, all new mums, all late 30's (one accident, one newly promoted and one married and diffed within a year) what to descend on my work place on my birthday.

Seriously. It's insane, non? Sod wanking after SWI; just show me a picture of that...

OMG you can see his front bottom hair in that picture!!??!!

Now then Moo come and bend over my knee, lass. Can you take the day off? No-one should work on the birthday anyway. Isn't it illegal?

Tell them to leave their offspring behind and talk only about YOU Moo. Tis your birthday and you're entitled.

I know Starry. I know. He makes me think Bad Thoughts.