30s TTC: For BESHes who have been trying to conceive since the Higgs Boson was last seen

[ChoChoSan]

Come and learn the Tao of BESH, a path to wisdom and emancipation that can be gained only by careful practice and meditation on the central tenets leading the way from the barren to the Updiffed. The Tao consists of:

4 Noble Truths: 1) The life of an emancipated women inevitably leads to barrenness and babyfails. 2) Barrenness is caused by women?s FAILURE to procreate before they reach their thirties as a result of selfishness and evilness, and general hag-ishness.3) Barrenness ends when BESHness ends. This is achieved by eliminating The DROID, thereby reaching a liberated state of UPDIFFMENT. 4) Reaching this liberated state is achieved by following the path laid out in the Tao of BESH.

5 Pillars of BESHdom; YOU MUST: 1) Undertake Regular Visits to FC ? Always observing the ritual traditions of Getting Your Rat Out and Partaking of the Dildocam 2) Undergo the Purification Rite to evict the cobwebs, rusty bicycles and old prams from your ancient uterus 3) Realise that Camping will most assuredly lead to a swift and lasting visit from R2D2 4) Observe the solemn monthly rituals of ?the prodding of the buzwams? and ?insertion of cigar? 5) Recognise the terrible power of such artefacts as the CBFM, and despair!

Eightfold Path of Diffment;

1. Intercourse must always be a union of Winky and foofoo (No Hankyhole)

1. Defeat the negative karma of ?spitting a lot up the fanny? by pushing egg white up there after it

1. Appease the gods of fertility by rubbing your ovaries whiddershins

1. Pray to Jebus to put baybee in your tumtum

1. Have your uterus sprayed with Teflon, and apply gaffer tape to the lady garden to stop BOC falling out and making angelbaybees

1. Recognise that likelihood of diffment is in direct proportion to the number of poas you use, and the earliness at which you use them.

1. Confirmation of a WIN can only take place after you have undertaken your First BESHly Baptism, and assembled in a place of drinking with other followers of the Tao.

1. The state of diffment is confirmed when the second red line has been drawn on the poas, and the poas set on fire to release a pall of white smoke.

The BESHly acolytes are now called upon to provide suggestions for the Ten Commandments of BESH...JOIN US!!

Oh Scorps, what a git.

Thanks guys. It was the facts that he's been upsetting my parents with this shite for ages and that their big family sit around discussing my decrepitude and barrenness/hatred of kids, etc., that really hurt (and they will do that, believe me). My Aunt might not have been pg when they got married, but they had 4 kids in 6 years and would've had more if my Gran hadn't've insisted she get sterilised at @23 (She wasn't a monster - my Uncle wouldn't use contraceptives (they're not Catholics, he was just a twat), my Aunt just couldn't cope and was deeply immature, like many teen mums and as her own mother was useless, my Gran had to look after them and do their housework, etc., and my Mum was only a little girl herself at the time). My cousins have given them 11 Grandkids and he clearly doesn't 'get' it. And to his credit, he is the consummate family man, so I do believe his misplaced sadness for my parents is entirely genuine.

Still, I rarely see them or talk to them. The next time will probably be when I DO get pg, and I will have to face a barrage of 'Oooh, I thought you didn't want any' and 'but aren't you a bit too old?' and so on.

scorpette I take back what I said about Greg Wise, here, you may have borrow him for a bit, just don't break his jaw or anything. I just wrote a long indignant post, and lost it. This is becoming a bit of a regular occurance. Gist was,
^&%&%^& There are no words for this kind of ignorant rudeness.
Why are all the gynacological experts we all know wondering about the streets doing other jobs, when clearly they know much more than the current barren menders, and have a duty to get down the FC and sort everyone out- if only by getting rid of the waiting lists by saying 'don't kid yourselves' to the baybee hopeful.A few 'off you go and relax'es, and there won't be a need for FC at all. What a wonderful world this would be. Thank goodness for your lovely Ma and Pa, seems like they've been bearing the brunt of his inanity for a while: I say band together and push him in a pit. No, not this one.
Did I mention my F cups? Do you want to see?

Scorplette fuckwit uncle sounds like someone who needs a good kick in the old gonads. Bless your Mom for feeling bad on his behalf and I don't blame you for getting upset at all. I can't help but think of the song from the Southpark movie, "Shut your fucking face Uncle fucker", maybe you should have sung that down the phone.

Salad annoying behaviour from the OH, not even well disguised excuse either

Candle still burning here GaGa

Big tits, Greg Wise, Uncle Fucker song. Am starting to feel a lot better now

You guys are the BEST!

Glad you feel cheerfuller Scorpina. PLiz to arrange to get diffed with OMGTWINZ and break your waters over Uncle Fucker's shoes. That'll teach 'im.

Urgh. It's a CBFM 3 Bar day and the OM has the outright fucking temerity to go to bed feeling poorly. I am just going to have to try, aren't I?

May the force be with you banginghead, go and squeeze the juice out of him.
salad is there any chance you could offer a 'soothing massage'...

Thanks for the snog Scorp just right for getting me in the mood for climbing on. Once this fecking Derren Brown shite has released TGB from it's impenetrable hold on his conscious

Scorps I reckon you should start practising the stinging retorts to your uncle and all other people who make twattish comments ready for when you're diffed. Glad your mum and dad were there to diffuse it, but sad that they're having to deal with the comments directed at them.

All the best for everyone for whom tomorrow is important. I'm off to see if I can SWI without falling asleep in the middle..... Been a long day.

Help is anybody there? WTF do you wear to needling?

Scorps I am horrified by your uncle. Definitely sing the Uncle Fucker song to him. And practice all the great put-downs you can use on him and other bastard family members when you are diffed. Which you will be very soon. I decree it so.

LadyGG so glad to hear about the heartbeat but about the two week wait for next scan. I hope the bleeding tails off so at least there will be a little less to worry about.

BESHcandles are lit for the FC3, good luck tomorrow Haglets.

Moo my needles used to go in feet, ankles, shins, knees, a couple in belly and then some on wrists/forearms. Just wear summat loose that can be pulled up/down and I'm sure you will be fine. Good luck!

Anyway, back to the important stuff.... Tom Hardy. Those tatts, those eyes. Those amazing lips.... Can we keep him as a pet? Please please please?

Candles a-go-go here too. Place looks like Sistene chapel

Fanks, darling Poosmell. I shall vreak my rewengay by simply having the most wonderful kids ever (cousins are obese, common and fick, innit and their kids the same - I love 'em, I'm just brutally honest!). Scorpios play the long game

Moomintroll, I just wear me normal clothes for needling. Cos I don't wear trousers very often, I have to whip off my tights/leggings but Needles Lady always covers me up with a blanket, etc. Is all very discreet and non-embarrassing. They've seen it all before. Yes, even your mangina/vajenus

Morning BESHies!! Apologies for prolonged absence - am all holidayed out now (a few minor fall-outs with Dad and WSM but we'll live) back for minor work/unpacking race and then off to Outlaws for horrific 70th birthday debacle 3 days after returning! Anyhoo, back now and hope to escape with only minor beatings for deserting you for so long

Scorps, don't know how you managed not to scream at Uncle Fuckwit and how you managed to wait until end of conversation with your Mum for a little cry - what shite she's had to put up with as well.

Morning one & all.

Sorry for the sharp disappearance yesterday, work n all that shiz. Will also keep me tres busy today & tomorrow.

LadyG I'm so pleased about the heartbeat. Can't begin to imagine the nerves about the next 2 weeks wait though. We're all still here for you & I have an exrta large candle to keep burning.

Scorps What a total cunt (your uncle, not you). I just don't quite know what to say. He must be a little insane, non? Surely, surely no sane person would think that was an acceptable conversation?

Salad Thanks for the tip re that uvver fred with FC questions, will have a look now. I'm vay, vay nervous today. I know it sounds silly but I feel all pushy & bossy, which is exactly what is needed but is exactly the opposite of what I am. So I had a crap sleep, even ended up with cramp in my neck from tossing & turning. Gah!

Polly Pliz to get the bus in future

Sorry if I've missed anyone. Salad, Hopon good luck for your appointments. We shall compare notes over a gin fizz later.

The auspicious day dawns... all the planets are aligned and it's the big BESHSMASHBARRENMENDERS day! Thinking of all of you with appointments today.

Right I will install him in the crypt sanctuary for any forlorn BESH to cheer themselves up with.

Loads of luck lozzer and mountie uurghh got to do an hours work now but can't really concentrate so will prob just post instead.

Feel bad as TB rose (fnar) to the occasion, (well actually i clambered on) but turned out to be pretty hot in the end Sorry if that is a bit smug but feel I was unfair on him and don't want to you think he's a git. Bless him, he even mustered the energy to finish me off even tho I'd shagged him half to sleep.

Ola squishyboots wondered where you'd got to. hope you survive the outlaws.

moo what scroppy said about clothes, they will find a way.

Thinking of Lggg today, hope you had a restful night and bleeding has stopped.

BTW i was thinking of staring an 'FC Mythbusters' thread, so we can all pool our info and compare and contrast what consultants say. Thought it might attract some other folks and also be a more centralised place to share info. What you think?

Oooohhhhhhmmmm eeeeeeooouuuuuu nnnoooooommmmhhh

BESHPOWER thoughts to all today.
May it be an enlightening and restful day.

Morning BESHtahs

Just coming on to send loads of love and luck to the FC trio today - hope all goes as you want it to.

Sorry not caught up with all your news. I'm in the pit (assuming there is one here). BFN, IUI haz not worked again. :( :( :( :(

so very very sorry to hear that cinco :( no droid yet tho?

cinco not sure if we've met, am new ex stalker lurker, just wanted to say how sorry I am. Bugger Bugger Bugger. You sit in that pit as long as you bloody well like, and ring the bell if there's any fondlingthing you need. Take care.

Good luck to the triumverate -channel your inner Mouthy cow all, and don't accept anything less than guaranteed OMGTWINZ!! within six months. (Express delivery)

Fecking hell, you lot have been talking. I have been trapped in a dark basement for a couple of days and they've only just let me out.

GaGaOhLaLa Glad to hear that the heartbeat is still there, and I'll keep the BESHcandle lit.

Scorps Sorry your uncle was so upsetting - v out of order.

BARRENMENDERSVISITORS Best of British. I hope you all get the right answers and that the people are nice.

Just to say good luck to my threesome sistas (And you thought we were going to BM?) and CanIHaveABurgerWithThat good idea about the FC thread.

Kicks in the shin for the rest.

Cinco Cross post. Am really, really sorry to hear your news.

Shit Cinco sorry. Fuck. How are you? (Stupid question, I know.)