30s TTC: For BESHes who have been trying to conceive since the Higgs Boson was last seen

[ChoChoSan]

Come and learn the Tao of BESH, a path to wisdom and emancipation that can be gained only by careful practice and meditation on the central tenets leading the way from the barren to the Updiffed. The Tao consists of:

4 Noble Truths: 1) The life of an emancipated women inevitably leads to barrenness and babyfails. 2) Barrenness is caused by women?s FAILURE to procreate before they reach their thirties as a result of selfishness and evilness, and general hag-ishness.3) Barrenness ends when BESHness ends. This is achieved by eliminating The DROID, thereby reaching a liberated state of UPDIFFMENT. 4) Reaching this liberated state is achieved by following the path laid out in the Tao of BESH.

5 Pillars of BESHdom; YOU MUST: 1) Undertake Regular Visits to FC ? Always observing the ritual traditions of Getting Your Rat Out and Partaking of the Dildocam 2) Undergo the Purification Rite to evict the cobwebs, rusty bicycles and old prams from your ancient uterus 3) Realise that Camping will most assuredly lead to a swift and lasting visit from R2D2 4) Observe the solemn monthly rituals of ?the prodding of the buzwams? and ?insertion of cigar? 5) Recognise the terrible power of such artefacts as the CBFM, and despair!

Eightfold Path of Diffment;

1. Intercourse must always be a union of Winky and foofoo (No Hankyhole)

1. Defeat the negative karma of ?spitting a lot up the fanny? by pushing egg white up there after it

1. Appease the gods of fertility by rubbing your ovaries whiddershins

1. Pray to Jebus to put baybee in your tumtum

1. Have your uterus sprayed with Teflon, and apply gaffer tape to the lady garden to stop BOC falling out and making angelbaybees

1. Recognise that likelihood of diffment is in direct proportion to the number of poas you use, and the earliness at which you use them.

1. Confirmation of a WIN can only take place after you have undertaken your First BESHly Baptism, and assembled in a place of drinking with other followers of the Tao.

1. The state of diffment is confirmed when the second red line has been drawn on the poas, and the poas set on fire to release a pall of white smoke.

The BESHly acolytes are now called upon to provide suggestions for the Ten Commandments of BESH...JOIN US!!

Mina If he doesn't see you toke then it didn't happen. [voice of experience emoticon]

However, given this morning's kick in the teeth I have been sat on the balcony seething, smoking and drinking coffee with large shots of Baileys in them.

Oh Lozzer I am so sorry my love. I should have just STFU. I wish I could just make it happen for you, it is so bloody unfair. I do understand if you need a break, but we'll all be here waiting for you with nekkid wrestling open arms when you get back.

Apologies for lack of contact over the past week. I've been made to work to earn my wage (damn them), and then away over the weekend so have been a MN free zone.

Lozza sounds like a holiday will be a good distraction, but boo hiss to the metal idiot if that is indeed what it is...

Cinco good work on the dominant follicle doing it's thang. Come on that follicle On a completely seperate issue, do I remember rightly that you are looking at moving house? If so, as a favour to a fellow BESH, Mr O might be able to cut you a good deal. He works in a local estate agency not that far from you. If you want his details let me know and I'll work out a way of passing them on.

MH I know what you mean about needing a change. Have also just changed my name (not in RL, although that would be fun), had a radical (radical for me) haircut on Friday (I now sport a nice fringe for the first time in about 20 years) and am looking to spice other parts of me life up too as I'm tres bored with TTC consuming my every thought (any ideas would be welcome!).

Aries where for art thou? Any news?

In my world, I've been busy putting plan B into operation. After chatting to Mr O extensively, we have decided to forge ahead with looking into private fertility treatment. We're not eligible for NHS funded treatment anyway so rather than hang around we've made the decision to self-refer. I have got the brochures of the two closest clinics and have phoned both of them. Only one lets you self-refer and the lady I spoke to said to do it now rather than wait another two months until we're at the year mark. The reason is that there is a wait of about 6 weeks to get the first appt anyway, and then there's all the forms etc so we're not looking at anything 'proper' happening until next year now anyway, by which point it will be just over 12 months. I don't see the point in hanging around (and luckily neither does Mr O). So, I'm hopefully going to email them tonight with a brief medical history and get the ball rolling. Droid is due Thursday/Friday of this week and as I have zero symptoms I am hoping that doing this will help with keeping positive that it will happen eventually (or that next month it will frighten my ovaries into submission) We'll see...

Would love a grope cincs

No need for insecurities...honest...all that was said was how bloody brill the news was and how lovely you are. Have to say it feels pretty weird knowing you have been there, lying on the same bed and everyfink.

Well it's all go in ere int it

Where are you all?

Your wish is my command pollypocket. Cranberry & Almond cookie take your fancy? Gluten, sugar and dairy free just for you. Mwah.

Sounds like you've been busy formerlyknownasO. You will most likely be looking at same clinics as me as have been asked to decide between the two for my IVF cycle. Seems a bit like splitting hairs to me...although feel incredibly fortunate that we have such great clinics here in the land of the merry people. Good luck with your referral ...although hoping you won't need the appointment :) On the other thing yes we are looking at moving...by gosh you've got a good memory. Am on tenterhooks actually as the only way we can do it is with ILs help and they are calling later with their decision (have been away on hols) so will know later whether we'll be stuck in a tiny house with noisy neighbours or be freed into a slightly bigger house with a bit of a garden I'll set up a BESH email and let you have it so can contact me that way if you like.

Hope everyones ok and not been sucked into a vacuum...or bored by my waffling more likely.

Wah! Only another 44 random witterings important messages and we're boned. Anyone got any good ideas for next fred? Does the MAD start here?

Cinco, did you surreptitiously lick the rim of the glass of water she offers, knowing I've drunk from it too? I know you did, you filthy bitch!

Awww, is nice to know people likes me :) Am sure she is going to help you win

lauriewithafringeontop just wanted to say yah boo sucks to droid and offer you baclava and ouzo from my holidays to help drown the sorrow.

Sounds fab Cinco - shall I send you my address? hey, maybe you could start another business... cookies by post!

Funny you should say that Polly, as 'tis what I'm working on . If anyone out there knows anyone who could design me a fabulous website for not much dosh they get an unconfirmed number of free cookies

I haz set up secret squirrel BESH mail....cincotart at hotmail dot com.

Def time for MAD thread...are you doing the honours owly?

Or we could sell them door to door? In Uniforms, like brownies, but beshies instead.

cinco skills on the follicular antics. Hope the lagging ones catch up too.

oh lozzer so sorry to hear you are down my FCtriplet. But if you need a break then its the best thing to do. We'll miss ya but never stop loving you. Hope you have a lubberly hollihops and come back feeling refreshed. xxx

polips droid is due thursday so no need to size my kibleys up just yet. Sod all symptoms apart from a bit of wind which I pretty much have constantly so I wouldn't read to much into it.

Well I will just keep an eye on you from afar Salad. (Whilst giving more gifts to Goddess Lyra on behalf of you and Rie). Speaking of which, where is Rie today?

Tartlett your business plan sounds amaze, and will definitely sign up if you are doing allergy-free stuff. Mmmm.... cookies....

Evening all.

Where is Madame Rie

Lozenge my dear do be kind for yourself.

cinc yay for follicles!

Why thank you Salad dear. Now, sit down, and we'll get it on

Oh I am sure i could learn something too, can I sit in? I'll just sit here very quietly at the back and perv take notes. Don't mind me.

Oh fukkit, come on then, anyone else wanna join in??

Hello everyone. God, you're like just so totally naggy. I've been on a L-O-N-G and extremely boring train journey today, tis all. It was picturesque the first 20 times I made it and now it is just mind-bogglingly and arse-numbingly dull. Plus I nearly had a fight with some pissed, foul-mouthed twat who attacked a granny.

Lozza :( big love and fish slaps and snogs- you do exactly what you like, my love, and when you come back we'll leap on you like a pack of rabid hounds. Have a super holiday.

Mina (that's a foxy name by the way), I did chortle at the haircut conumdrum. Having seen you in t'flesh, here's what I think: do something mental and dramatic with the colour, and put some layers in and lose some length. I know I'm probably not the person to be offering hair advice, but I did say that to your face, so I feel I can repeat it here!

No more puke. No droid. No spotting. Lots of vague cramping. No sore boobs. No nothing really . Give it 6 more days and I might start getting terrified excited.

Sorry Salts - didn't see the dilemma. I seem to have missed a trick and I dunno what's going on!

RIE

I will say this only once POAFS already.

obviously I will say it more than once if need be.

I will say it once aussi: POAFS woman. Sheesh! Someone 'as to be first to MAD.

And yar, I think some layering is the way to go. If I get it dyed the poor hairdresser will die of a heart attack, having painstakingly cut out ten years' worth of bleach over the last 18 months . I might even permit her to lop an inch off the end .

Mina dear, how are you ce soir?

I'm not P-ingOAFS . Don't tell me to because I won't. It would be Very Silly at 27 days. Maybe in about 5 days. But in the meantime I shall discuss other matters in a calm and rational manner.

Calm and rational?

I see.

Well, far be it from me to fan any menkul flames, but I do believe calm and rational to be a symptom

sorry Rie I will desist from vicariously enjoying your 2WOOFling.....

I BFPed on CD27...