30s TTC: For BESHes who have been trying to conceive since the Higgs Boson was last seen

[ChoChoSan]

Come and learn the Tao of BESH, a path to wisdom and emancipation that can be gained only by careful practice and meditation on the central tenets leading the way from the barren to the Updiffed. The Tao consists of:

4 Noble Truths: 1) The life of an emancipated women inevitably leads to barrenness and babyfails. 2) Barrenness is caused by women?s FAILURE to procreate before they reach their thirties as a result of selfishness and evilness, and general hag-ishness.3) Barrenness ends when BESHness ends. This is achieved by eliminating The DROID, thereby reaching a liberated state of UPDIFFMENT. 4) Reaching this liberated state is achieved by following the path laid out in the Tao of BESH.

5 Pillars of BESHdom; YOU MUST: 1) Undertake Regular Visits to FC ? Always observing the ritual traditions of Getting Your Rat Out and Partaking of the Dildocam 2) Undergo the Purification Rite to evict the cobwebs, rusty bicycles and old prams from your ancient uterus 3) Realise that Camping will most assuredly lead to a swift and lasting visit from R2D2 4) Observe the solemn monthly rituals of ?the prodding of the buzwams? and ?insertion of cigar? 5) Recognise the terrible power of such artefacts as the CBFM, and despair!

Eightfold Path of Diffment;

1. Intercourse must always be a union of Winky and foofoo (No Hankyhole)

1. Defeat the negative karma of ?spitting a lot up the fanny? by pushing egg white up there after it

1. Appease the gods of fertility by rubbing your ovaries whiddershins

1. Pray to Jebus to put baybee in your tumtum

1. Have your uterus sprayed with Teflon, and apply gaffer tape to the lady garden to stop BOC falling out and making angelbaybees

1. Recognise that likelihood of diffment is in direct proportion to the number of poas you use, and the earliness at which you use them.

1. Confirmation of a WIN can only take place after you have undertaken your First BESHly Baptism, and assembled in a place of drinking with other followers of the Tao.

1. The state of diffment is confirmed when the second red line has been drawn on the poas, and the poas set on fire to release a pall of white smoke.

The BESHly acolytes are now called upon to provide suggestions for the Ten Commandments of BESH...JOIN US!!

Nice fred ChooChoo!

LGG hope you're ok

Drom - I once knocked over a cyclist and wrote my car off driving into a lamp post - was quite young at the time of both accidents and am an excellent driver now, promise!

I have a symptom to obsess over!!! Little stabby pains today in the wombular region - diffed for sure, right? RIGHT??? Am 6DPO so MUST be implantation.

Hope Salty gets back from skool soon to fill us in on the droid/no droid situation - she's been suspiciously quite these past couple of days...

Salty

Gaga

Salty

Gaga

the OM is just calling up for JIAP results

what time was LGG's appointment, do we know?

Gaga, if you're there, we're all rooting for you.

Twinks - diffed fo sho.

Excellent end-of-thread-mentalness Cass. Hope Scorps wasn't poisoned by your wee.

I have broken one of the Commandments. Already :(. Remember Twat-Face? He who thought it amusing to bait me for my childlessness? He has apologised. And I forgave him and smiled and everything. Dammit we even gave each other friendly cuffs to the arm and everything. What is my penitence? Do I have to crawl round a mountain on my hands and knees?

they wouldn't give it over the phone and said he has to call at a special time tomorrow to talk to someone in particular. Does this means his spermz are all dead ? Don't they normally just tell you if everything is OK?

X-posts HB. Here's hoping for fruitful jizz, my love.

X again. Fuckitt. I don't know, is the honest answer. Try not to worry. STUPID thing to say - sorry. Heart you.

Is not stupid. Is only reasonable solution really! Re. Twatface. Well - if someone genuinely apologises there's only one thing to do innit? Outwardly anyway. Obviously you can still fashion a terrifying vodoo doll out of remnants of his clothing and subject it to nightly torments

possibly not, there are a lot of measurements, so it's not as simple as saying "everything is OK": MrM had to make an appointment for his, though all his metrics were fine.

Thanks M'Dear. That does cheer me and more importantly means I have something cheery to say to the OM when I get home!

Has Salts POAS yet....?

HB, I was going to say wot Med sed, so I shan't.

Bangers usually they won't give too much away on the phone as someone will want to talk to him to explain what the results actually mean. So don't fret just yet my lover. JIAP results can also vary hugely one to another, and even if they are not A+ then all is not doomed honestly.

Aries ahh, I would have forgiven Twatface too. But then I am weak.

I actually still think he's dead fit.

Nothing fitter than a swine aries, sadly.. . ! Thanks chaps, i really must man up! Sorry on phone hence hasty rubbish typing . . .

I think the rule on Twatfaces is where we all fail. Far too British to cause a scene, what what. Is an ideal to live up to Like not coveting your neighbour's ox. Wowzers, but I love me some ox!

HB, am sure it will be okay with the jizz results. They're probably just v fussy about getting Docs to tell you stuff instead of receptionists. Gawd knows, they should be like that at my GP's; if you ring about a result they loudly tell you and would probably tell you everyone else's if you asked

Hope GaGa is okay. Am tewtally with Lyra on the Gaga-Salty tenterhooks thang.

Arie-anNation that's the perfect outcome...beacause now he won't even suspect that you are spitting in his tea!

Bangers It is very good that they are taking the time to talk re. results, hope all goes well...at my clinic they would just say non-commital things like 'seems to be okay' after much chasing up - WTF does that mean???

Also agree with Scorps re. results coming from trained med professional, rather than Receptionist...and this comes from someone who has an A* in outwitting receptionists into giving me results on the phone

Well, sort of tentatively good news. They found an embryo with a strong heartbeat. But they also found quite a large area of "active bleeding" (apparently a retromembraneous bleed around the gestation sac). So heartbeat good, cervix closed good, bleeding not so good. Could go either way - could stop or I could miscarry - and just have to wait. They will rescan me in two weeks. And if anything changes I can ring them directly and they will slot me in.

The other worrisome thing is they only measured Pip at 6.1 and I KNOW s/he is 7.1 as I was charting and didn't have teh secks any later.

So after the scan I came out, went to the toilet and passed loads of blood in the toilet which was nice and reassuring. Then the EPU woman patronised me for 5 minutes (she was very nice but talked to me like I was about 12). Then got in the car park. I'd parked right next to the entrance barrier (you know the ones that go up and down) and it was a very tight space and I got a bit flustered trying to get out. Then a man starts coming through the barriers before I'm out of my space so now I only have 6 inches to do my turn and every time I inch forward a bit he drives more forward so I have no room at all. I'm getting more and more hot and bothered so have the window open. Then the twat has the guile to actually beep at me! At this point I lose it, stick my head out fully out of the window and actually bellow, yes properly bellow: "FUCK OFF, YOU FUCKING CUNT" at him. Then dissolve into proper hysterical sobbing so Mr Gaga has to move me out of the drivers seat and drive me out of the carpark.

My Gaga has now had to return to Glasgow, sucks don't it? (I did tell him to so my fault for being stoic)

Sorry for the essay but as said vay good baby is alive, still shitting self re: the bleeding and possible outcome.

Well I am going to celebrate your good news then Gaga, but tonight there will be a BESH candle lit on the ChoSan shrine and will be chanting for BESH Nirvana for you.

Excellent news about embryo and strong heartbeat, and I know measurements/charting can be weird, and that active jizz can hang around long-time.

Aw, G V good news about lovely heartbeat :)

I will keep everything crossed for the 2 week scan - this is going to make normal activity like typing v.v.difficult :) Measurements are always a bit dodge anyway; I would not set too much store by them saying 6.1.

Also there is nothing wrong with calling beeping twats in cars rude names. The fucking fucker.

V glad to hear the good news LadyGG, and very much hoping it continues that way and that the waiting's not too dreadful. Am laughing at mental picture of you bellowing at twatface, makes up for Arialautomatic being nice to hers (but am v glad to hear that he apologised). And glad MrGG was there to sort things out.

Have some gin in the meantime, the virtual sort is clearly good for all babies.

Oh so so glad about heartbeat and will create positively a blaze of candles for next few day. Are you able to take time off work so you can wholly rest? Well done for screaming at the twat.

Oh Gaga. Good news and at same time. Can't imagine how on tenterhooks you must feel. Second what Head said - can you take some time off work?

What do you do with your existing minigaga, are they at nursery? Please try and marshall as much practical help as you can so you don't have to do too much. Whereabouts are you? If yu're near me I can help out with MiniGG... when is MrGG back from Glasgow?

Many questions, sorry. Nobody expects the Spanish inquisition...

Pencil who was he ringing, was it the GP? Mine wouldn't give anything much out over the phone. When he does get to speak to someone, tell him to get actual numbers off them, then you can look it up later.

Mars bar vodkas to everyone.

GaGa hope Pip does well, stuff work and keep yourself sane. Well done for not hitting git on the car park (with fists, random items from the parcel shelf, or the car)

Which brings me on to my vehicular confessions. Have not (yet) hit anything whilst going forward on a highway, or anying that is alive on a carpark. Did write-off the neighbours 18th birthday present by reversing into it... but it was icey.

PS is it Wednesday? and doesn't that mean POAS for someone? or have I got my days wrong?

Oh commandment suggestion, thou shalt always be on a 2 week wait, either waiting to SWI, waiting to POAS.

And finally, just growled at OH for stealing my car to go for a mere job interview, when i needed it for needling!

I may go off sick. Said I wouldn't mind doing some stuff from home though. Just don't want to actually talk to anyone, you know. Mini GG is in nursery f/t so I can always stick him in there whenever suits. But thanks for the offer, really kind - no idea where you are but we are in Leamington Spa in da Midlands. MrGG not back til Friday but that not long away now. Hopefully my womble will have healed by then.

Any news from Salty?

Want to say to everyone actually, thanks so much for all the BESH love. I felt very touched.

Great news there was a heartbeat LGG. The 2 week wait for a follow up scan are tough though. Will your other half be away for very long?